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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there no decent guy out there or is it me?

73 replies

PetalsFall · 10/12/2020 20:35

NC we don’t want this sad little thread to be linked to my others

For context, I’m a 28F, social worker, and live in a flat that I own, I earn around 31k a year and would say that I’m average/normal looking.

In the past five years I’ve had two relationships, both long term that ended with the partner cheating- I’ve currently been single around a year and a half and have mostly enjoyed it- seeing friends and doing hobbies (pre lockdown, and via zoom in Covid)

I’ve been on dating apps for a few months now as I thought it would be nice to find someone to chat too and was feeling ready to meet someone perhaps, but as of tonight, it’s the tenth person I’ve spoken to who has turned to conversation to sex pretty much straight away. It’s such an off putting thing and the app is not a hook up app of any sort either- it’s not even tinder.

I did speak to a really nice guy for a couple of weeks, messaging daily and talking about possibly a zoom date/meeting for a walk but he suddenly started sending sexual texts while I was at work, and when I said maybe work wasn’t the right time, he blocked me.

I’m just exasperated with it really, I’m not a prude by any means and I know most men think about sex a lot, but I don’t understand why most i match with suddenly turn it to sex. These are also 30 something, professional men. I chat about normal things and try and build up some common ground, and have banter and they’ll respond things such as this real example that happened yesterday!

Me: Ohh, I’ve just finished work! It’s been the craziest day. So happy to be home, and to have a glass of wine and just chill! How’s your day going?

Them: ohhh nice, does wine make you frisky?

Me: No not really, just find it’s a relaxing treat at the end of the day- what are you up too?

Them: So it gets your body all relaxed does it?

My profile pics aren’t suggestive or anything like that, I don’t really understand. I’m starting to wonder if I just attract a type. My friends keep saying “oh you’re a lovely girl on a good wage with your own place, you’ll have your choice’’ but I seem to only be picking ones who want one thing.

OP posts:
seensome · 10/12/2020 21:49

A lot of them are like it unfortunately, I find if I give them my number to WhatsApp too soon they seem to think it's ok to ask for nude pics, try chatting longer on the app if possible, the sleazy ones are impatient to get your number quickly it seems and get bored/go quiet quickly if you don't.
Yes I do think there some decent fellas though, keep trawling through and sticking to your standards.

coronaway · 10/12/2020 22:39

The good ones either get snapped up quickly or leave soon after joining after realising how horrible OLD is. This means a greater and greater pool of undesirables accumulate as time goes on.

Once things get more back to normal (Covid) I would look to try and find someone off line.

Roberta268 · 10/12/2020 22:39

I’m afraid this is the norm. I spoke to literally thousands of men, and went on over a hundred first dates, before I met my partner. He’s delightfully sexual but he resisted any sex chat because he didn’t want to offend me or make me think he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. Screen ruthlessly, block at the first sign of this pathetic sex chat, and hang in there.

Garby · 10/12/2020 23:40

Just a message of solidarity! I have experienced the same. Online dating is horrible. I am telling myself (maybe misguidedly) that all the decent men are taking a break from online dating until we can meet normally again. I know this probably isn’t the case but I’m trying to keep hope that things will improve!

Namechange2020lalala · 10/12/2020 23:45

Where do you live and what websites are you using? Do you have any hobbies or plans to do any that will help you find people on a similar wave length?

msrobot · 10/12/2020 23:55

I hate OLD and can really relate to how you’re feeling OP. Flowers
Instantly puts me off when a man (who is technically still a stranger) sends vulgar messages! Also as you said it’s so depressing seeing a lot of them seem ‘normal’ and have supposedly respectable jobs. I’ve never had anyone show interest getting to know me/ start a relationship on any of the apps I’ve tried Sad

Aminuts23 · 11/12/2020 00:08

100% exactly why I don’t bother. Your job is stressful, I work with SWs a lot. I don’t know how you do that btw (respect)! But anyway that’s why I gave up years ago and have no intentions of trying again. Total and complete waste of time

flowersrain · 11/12/2020 05:08

I am having the same experiences and it is so tiresome. It clearly states in my profile that I'm looking for a relationship and yet they still try it on with the sex chat. I'm going to have to persevere because I have no other way of meeting guys but I am rapidly losing hope. Are you using a free or paid site? I'm thinking of joining a paid one in the hope that the men may be a bit more serious. Surely if women like you and me are on these apps there must be men like us looking for the same thing too? Maybe I'm deluding myself

QueefBee · 11/12/2020 05:23

The good ones either get snapped up quickly or leave soon after joining after realising how horrible OLD is

This^. A thoroughly nice man who is at least average looking, good job, no drama baggage or red flags would be snapped up young and then not short of interested women from work, hobbies, friends fixing them up if they ever find themselves temporarily single. I think they are either not looking and actively taking a break from dating so not on OLD or seeing someone.

The quality of men on OLD is well subpar. I just would not bother. It's 99.9% scum, cheaters on the prawl, social misfits, diseased ex cons. Just yuck.

flowersrain · 11/12/2020 05:35

@QueefBee if that is the case, why do women who are average looking, good job etc not get snapped up young in the same way that men do as you describe in your post?

Monty27 · 11/12/2020 05:45

I'm not young and single. My theory is this.
Men run a mile from strong confident women. They're out of their depth.
I don't do online dating no sireeee ☺️

QueefBee · 11/12/2020 06:02

I think it's because there are overall fewer good men than women. So there are always some decent women left.
Also, average looks for a woman and a good job are not weighted the same as for a man. Men are so dire that average looks and a good job is such a lottery win. Whereas for a woman this would be an alright.

Rustyplastic · 11/12/2020 06:45

[quote flowersrain]@QueefBee if that is the case, why do women who are average looking, good job etc not get snapped up young in the same way that men do as you describe in your post?[/quote]
Because we live in a patriarchal sexist world where women are primarily judged in their youth fertility and sexual availability to men . Women are expected to primp and prime and pander to men’s expectations , look gorgeous and be agreeable . Men on the other hand can be average or really less than average and women are expected to be grateful for their attention.

QueefBee · 11/12/2020 06:57

Women who get 'snapped up' are usually snapped for their looks from a teen of 16 you find a brigade of possessive manuplative men queuing up to lock her down with a baby.

Average women or fortunate women would meet their husband at uni. Loads of doctors and dentists marry each other this way for example.

Op works in a heavily female dominated sector and when she studied for it it would have been heavily female, too.

Op how did you meet your 2 long term relations and looking back were there any red flags or common themes as they both cheated?

Rustyplastic · 11/12/2020 07:09

@QueefBee

Women who get 'snapped up' are usually snapped for their looks from a teen of 16 you find a brigade of possessive manuplative men queuing up to lock her down with a baby.

Average women or fortunate women would meet their husband at uni. Loads of doctors and dentists marry each other this way for example.

Op works in a heavily female dominated sector and when she studied for it it would have been heavily female, too.

Op how did you meet your 2 long term relations and looking back were there any red flags or common themes as they both cheated?

Yes notice how women’s lives are dictated by their appearance / it seems that in the mysogynistic world we live in all a woman’s worth is to most men is their looks . It’s totally depressing that we not valued by men ( it seems EVER ) on character achievements etc we can have achieved so much but don’t look like porn stars so too bad huh Men on the other hand have the opportunity to be valued for having a job , having their own place or even not sleazy and being seen as ‘ good catches ‘ if they can’t meet these basics
movingonup20 · 11/12/2020 07:10

Are you using the free apps, I found most the users were pretty forward! I paid for a subscription in the end and as I'm lying next to him in the house we bought I can conclusively say it works, took 8 months for me to meet my now dp

movingonup20 · 11/12/2020 07:12

Ps I'm middle aged and the majority on the site I successfully used were divorced and many like me from long marriages

Anotheruser02 · 11/12/2020 07:20

What site did you use moving? I'm so deflated by POF.

Isitreally77 · 11/12/2020 07:47

I think it's sad that we automatically assume the good men aren't on there. I've been chatting with a couple, one does have major issues and is currently taking a break to sort himself out for his children, the other wants to meet. The first one did try the sexual talk but I put a stop to that and he respected that and we chatted for over a month (lockdown 2 happened) and are still in contact(if and when he sorts himself out and can prove he has who knows). The second hasn't even tried and wants to meet. I have had my fair share of cringey matches but unmatch straight away. These two have been the best though.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 11/12/2020 07:57

@movingonup20 - yes, it would be good to know which site you used. I’m new to all this!

Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 08:24

I know exactly what you mean, I had so many awful messages and dates I was stalked by one man, catfished by another! So I stopped swiping and was talking to one last man and I told myself he was my last date and I was taking a break!
There was no sex chat or nudes asked for or sent, he had only been online dating for 2 weeks and I was his second date.
I wasn’t sure I fancied him & was gonna cancel but didn’t. I’m so glad I didn’t we clicked immediately and have been together for 6 months now!
I really hope this gives you hope, as I really thought I’d never meet a decent man and when I’d almost given up there he was!
Stay strong and stay safe x

Kimster7 · 11/12/2020 08:26

A lot of men have the theory that if you throw enough shit, some of it will stick. They message loads of women, try their luck and there will be some who return the pics and sex chat.

OLD is crap. Demoralising and trying to find the needle is one of life’s great challenges nowadays.

1dayatatime · 11/12/2020 08:27

@coronaway

The good ones either get snapped up quickly or leave soon after joining after realising how horrible OLD is. This means a greater and greater pool of undesirables accumulate as time goes on.

Once things get more back to normal (Covid) I would look to try and find someone off line.

++++

Yes that pretty much explains it.

Morgan12 · 11/12/2020 08:37

Yeah most men are disgusting sex obsessed selfish arseholes.

Even most of the 'good ones' they just hide it well.

Techway · 11/12/2020 09:07

@flowersrain, men also date in a wider age range. Middle aged, 40 or 50 somethings believe they have a range of women from late 20s to 40s and women date these men.Many fewer women date outside of their ages so the pool for women of available men is lower.

I also think the access to paid porn/sex chat sites means men are conditioned to think this type of chat is normal. Only way to stop it is for women to block as soon as this behaviour starts. Don't worry about being polite just block and keep your standards high.

Younger men are held to lower standards than women, it can be seen as "cheeky or banter" rather than sleazy, which is what it is.