Is there no decent guy out there or is it me?

[PetalsFall]

NC we don’t want this sad little thread to be linked to my others

For context, I’m a 28F, social worker, and live in a flat that I own, I earn around 31k a year and would say that I’m average/normal looking.

In the past five years I’ve had two relationships, both long term that ended with the partner cheating- I’ve currently been single around a year and a half and have mostly enjoyed it- seeing friends and doing hobbies (pre lockdown, and via zoom in Covid)

I’ve been on dating apps for a few months now as I thought it would be nice to find someone to chat too and was feeling ready to meet someone perhaps, but as of tonight, it’s the tenth person I’ve spoken to who has turned to conversation to sex pretty much straight away. It’s such an off putting thing and the app is not a hook up app of any sort either- it’s not even tinder.

I did speak to a really nice guy for a couple of weeks, messaging daily and talking about possibly a zoom date/meeting for a walk but he suddenly started sending sexual texts while I was at work, and when I said maybe work wasn’t the right time, he blocked me.

I’m just exasperated with it really, I’m not a prude by any means and I know most men think about sex a lot, but I don’t understand why most i match with suddenly turn it to sex. These are also 30 something, professional men. I chat about normal things and try and build up some common ground, and have banter and they’ll respond things such as this real example that happened yesterday!

Me: Ohh, I’ve just finished work! It’s been the craziest day. So happy to be home, and to have a glass of wine and just chill! How’s your day going?

Them: ohhh nice, does wine make you frisky?

Me: No not really, just find it’s a relaxing treat at the end of the day- what are you up too?

Them: So it gets your body all relaxed does it?

My profile pics aren’t suggestive or anything like that, I don’t really understand. I’m starting to wonder if I just attract a type. My friends keep saying “oh you’re a lovely girl on a good wage with your own place, you’ll have your choice’’ but I seem to only be picking ones who want one thing.

Just to chip in a couple of observations.

Free apps= less likelihood of meeting someone nice. I think it’s worth paying a subscription but appreciate this isn’t a fail safe. I had a good experience using Hinge fwiw (now 8 months in with someone lovely 🙂).

In the examples you’ve shared, where the guy has become sexual too soon, THAT’s when you need to shut it down/block. Not continue the conversation as normal. In other words, be ruthless about blocking the people who show undesirable behaviour- sexual or otherwise- and stick to your guns. The more time you interact with the losers the less chance you’ll meet someone great.

Which you will :)

I met DP on PoF 10 years ago. He and I were both getting sick of online dating, he had found it quite sleazy aswell, finding loads of women sending nudes and looking for casual sex 😳 we stumbled on each other and we talked for a while before actually meeting. He was always, and still is an absolute gentleman, and we clicked immediately. We now have DD7, and still really happy. So please don't give up hope, there will be decent guys hiding under the mounds of sleaze!

28F is the first part of your self description, so is emphasised. That might be the problem.

Online dating has become worse, and worse and worse and worse......! It’s full of men who think they are entitled to a rich woman who looks like a supermodel for them to just use for sex.

But you are only 28 - you have a great chance of finding someone - maybe join a Facebook friends group.

[quote flowersrain]@TwoBoysTooMany76 I really enjoyed reading your story and you have given me hope! Can I ask, what apps were you on when you were dating?[/quote]
@flowersrain Thanks! I have a lot more stories than that! There was this guy I had such good banter with... he actually messaged ‘we better have chemistry when we meet as we have such chemistry online!’ and when we meet, we were amazed we were really attracted to each other. Ended up kissing in a dive bar at 2am... then the story took a wrong turn. I didn’t realise how drunk he was getting. He was saying all these lovely things to me... I got an Uber home, only to get a call from him when I got home that he has left his bag in his Uber... and he only had his phone. To cut a long story short, he came over. He was so pissed, tried to have sex, couldn’t complete... he went home the next morning. Then texted to say I was too intense and that was it! he was the one being over the top but was too drunk to remember...

Anyway, it was a good story! I met my boyfriend on Hinge but had decent dates off bumble and even Tinder! I think you just need to be quite ruthless in ruling out time wasters but open-minded about the people you are willing to meet...

I think it's very easy to blame men, instead of introspecting that the one thing these 'not decent' men have in common is you.

I don't want this to come across unkind or harsh, so please don't take it in that way. But I do think you're veering into dangerous territory by thinking these things: men are crap, all the good ones are taken, men are intimidated by strong women etc. Every female head of state has been married so clearly, this is not true. Kamala Harris met her husband in her 40s! Meghan Markle at 36. Bella Mackie at 35. So it's absolutely not true and if you want to have better luck dating, you'll have to try thinking more practically.

Now, on most dating apps - men can't contact you unless you've also swiped on them. So what sort of men are you selecting? Just because they're professional doesn't mean there aren't other signs they may be sleazy. Pay closer attention to see if you can notice any similarities between them all. Even your ex-bfs who cheated. Are you going for guys who are very cocky, full of banter right at the start, who seem to be very smooth and charming early doors? The really decent guys will come across a bit boring initially as they want to make a good impression, and only once you get to know them will you realise they're confident, can banter, are manly etc.

The other thing to remember is not take it personally if a guy turns out to be sleazy. Just brush it off, and move on to the next. It's to be expected there will be a lot of chancers and sex pests, but as long as you're filtering them early enough (before you meet), you're doing fine.

Dating is a numbers game at the end (it always has been, even pre-apps), so you just have to put on your armour and keep at it till you find the one guy who clicks. But don't get jaded or cynical, because no one wants to be around that energy and it will put guys off.

Final thing is to remember, you're only 28, you have a good career, home and your whole life ahead of you. It may take a bit longer to find the right person, but doesn't mean it won't happen.

@JurassicParkAha

I think it's very easy to blame men, instead of introspecting that the one thing these 'not decent' men have in common is you.

I don't want this to come across unkind or harsh, so please don't take it in that way. But I do think you're veering into dangerous territory by thinking these things: men are crap, all the good ones are taken, men are intimidated by strong women etc. Every female head of state has been married so clearly, this is not true. Kamala Harris met her husband in her 40s! Meghan Markle at 36. Bella Mackie at 35. So it's absolutely not true and if you want to have better luck dating, you'll have to try thinking more practically.

Now, on most dating apps - men can't contact you unless you've also swiped on them. So what sort of men are you selecting? Just because they're professional doesn't mean there aren't other signs they may be sleazy. Pay closer attention to see if you can notice any similarities between them all. Even your ex-bfs who cheated. Are you going for guys who are very cocky, full of banter right at the start, who seem to be very smooth and charming early doors? The really decent guys will come across a bit boring initially as they want to make a good impression, and only once you get to know them will you realise they're confident, can banter, are manly etc.

The other thing to remember is not take it personally if a guy turns out to be sleazy. Just brush it off, and move on to the next. It's to be expected there will be a lot of chancers and sex pests, but as long as you're filtering them early enough (before you meet), you're doing fine.

Dating is a numbers game at the end (it always has been, even pre-apps), so you just have to put on your armour and keep at it till you find the one guy who clicks. But don't get jaded or cynical, because no one wants to be around that energy and it will put guys off.

Final thing is to remember, you're only 28, you have a good career, home and your whole life ahead of you. It may take a bit longer to find the right person, but doesn't mean it won't happen.

Well written and articulated.

@JurassicParkAha
‘I don’t mean to come across unkind or harsh, so please don't take it in that way. But I do think you're veering into dangerous territory by thinking these things: men are crap, all the good ones are taken, men are intimidated by strong women etc. Every female head of state has been married so clearly, this is not true. Kamala Harris met her husband in her 40s! Meghan Markle at 36. Bella Mackie at 35.‘

But you ARE blaming them or in the least implying the fault lies with them . Especially when you say

‘The one thing these 'not decent' men have in common is you’

The very fact that so many women are on here saying this happens suggests they are not the one thing in common .
And Megan markle as an example of a state leader who chose a powerful man ? Hmmm I think the royal party in in the position of power
Would you like a long list of powerful women who are single or do not have partners . It really says nothing about a mans decency the fact that a few women in the limelight have partners . There’s are literally many many many examples of strong women in the limelight , who have been cheated on , disrespected and dumped for younger models . Is it there fault for being the common denominator of swiping the wrong way . Wow

And finally this was my favourite of your advice

‘The other thing to remember is not take it personally if a guy turns out to be sleazy. Just brush it off, and move on to the next. It's to be expected there will be a lot of chancers and sex pests, but as long as you're filtering them early enough (before you meet), you're doing fine.’

My hid what is this mysogynistic shit . Ok ladies just shut up . Stop complaining about men’s behaviour . And just ignore their shitty sex pest antics .... it’s on you ladies

I think it's very easy to blame men, instead of introspecting that the one thing these 'not decent' men have in common is you.
Quite a few of these pricks have me in common too, and two of my friends who also have been single and actively looking for years (all of us 30's and 40's).
Is it all of us? Do we all have too high expectations to want to get to know a complete fucking stranger before they get that personal?
Picking apart what kind of men someone is choosing makes me think you're not that familiar with OLD where most men would consider "ask me" or "just ask" to be a full profile, you can't really tell anything until you speak with them, that's when the disappointment occurs.

@Sparklehearter, well said. We should be standing up and complaining about men's sleazy behaviour...if hadn't in the past them women and young girls would still be intimated when walking past building sites.

There is also the contradiction, "you are the common factor" vs "don't take it personally as you must expect lots of sex pests"

Only by shining a spotlight on this behaviour is there a chance it will change but it's men have to change.

I don't get it - there are 50% men and 50% women. I understand more women go to university and thus hope to date men from similar educational background so this limits the pool but not drastically either.

Why is it that men find it so much easier to get women, but so many perfectly nice women struggle? i am sure there may be more nice girls than nice men but still IRL, I don't think I have met that many awful men IRL- maybe 25%-30%?

@Morgan12

Yeah most men are disgusting sex obsessed selfish arseholes.

Even most of the 'good ones' they just hide it well.

I don't believe this a bit, considering the amount of threads I've read about men no longer wanting sex.

@hopingforonlychild they don't. We're just viewing it from our side. Everyone who is nice and well adjusted regardless of whether they're a man or a woman finds OLD dire. Unless you get lucky most people I know give up with it.

@coronaway i am in london and i know many people struggle. i met my DH at uni and so did most married people i know who are my age - late 20s.

I think I would still be single otherwise as I have never dated or had any other relationships other than 1 boyfriend in college.

@coronaway struggle with real life and OLD

Most of my single friends (both men and women) have given up completely. I know I certainly have.

I wish I'd made more effort to find someone nice at 28. I have to accept at 34 I'm a single mum whose past her best and no one is interested.

On my last (likely last ever) stab at OLD, I was so pissed off at my opening messages being ignored, that I got stroppy. A guy 3 years older than me who looked nice, had a profile saying he was looking for an intelligent, good humoured, interesting woman - but the age range was 5-15 years younger than him.

I messaged him challenging him on this - saying that he was ruling out swathes of intelligent, good humoured etc etc women by setting his upper age limit so low - and his response was that he didn't have a problem with women his own age (in fact was currently seeing a woman older than himself ) but wanted to rule out the 'twin set & pearls brigade')! I commented that I'd had no idea I was in that 'brigade' at 59. And reflected that he was expecting a woman to be happy, when she becomes the age he is now, to be with a man 15 years her senior.

The sheer self-absorption is staggering. And I'm not doing it any more.

Same old story OP, I posted a couple of weeks ago in response to a similar thread, telling a story from the other side of the fence - I have come to the conclusion that, if one is seriously looking to find a life partner, OLD is not the way. It is depressing, soul destroying and, to be honest, in my case, destructive to one's self confidence. Totally given up on it now, deleted my account with the site I was on and just going to retire to lick my wounds for a while.

But, on the upside, two good friendships are evolving, as a result, from connections I made.

'Keep buggering on' OP, as Churchill would have said, when things are not going well. I cannot give you any advice, since it has been a failure for me, thus far, but I wish you all the very best, and good luck.

Actually looking at the relationship topic I'm not sure being single is a bad thing!

I did OLD for 6 years on and off before I met DP and in all that time never received a dick pick or sex chat (I’m 29 now, dating for a year). I would say I am above average in looks too so it’s not for lack of attention. My tips:

• In the example you gave you continued to engage with the guy who attempted sex chat, I would not have replied
• Keep conversation interesting and avoid anyone who just asks vague ‘what are you up to?’ questions. Similarly any ‘hi how are you’ openers. They’re not making any effort with you
• Try to match less on looks - so many of my friends going for ‘player’ looking men and then getting surprised when they end up being used.

I went on around 100 dates before meeting DP. Found Tinder etc just as good as any paid sites as long as you are good at filtering. IMO paid sites attract more weirdos than regular apps.

What about going to a late opening book shop with a cafe? At least you know that they can read and what they are interested in by the section they are standing in.

Keep your standards high, don't tolerate inappropriate chat, and try to have some real life social outlets also.