Is there no decent guy out there or is it me?

[PetalsFall]

NC we don’t want this sad little thread to be linked to my others

For context, I’m a 28F, social worker, and live in a flat that I own, I earn around 31k a year and would say that I’m average/normal looking.

In the past five years I’ve had two relationships, both long term that ended with the partner cheating- I’ve currently been single around a year and a half and have mostly enjoyed it- seeing friends and doing hobbies (pre lockdown, and via zoom in Covid)

I’ve been on dating apps for a few months now as I thought it would be nice to find someone to chat too and was feeling ready to meet someone perhaps, but as of tonight, it’s the tenth person I’ve spoken to who has turned to conversation to sex pretty much straight away. It’s such an off putting thing and the app is not a hook up app of any sort either- it’s not even tinder.

I did speak to a really nice guy for a couple of weeks, messaging daily and talking about possibly a zoom date/meeting for a walk but he suddenly started sending sexual texts while I was at work, and when I said maybe work wasn’t the right time, he blocked me.

I’m just exasperated with it really, I’m not a prude by any means and I know most men think about sex a lot, but I don’t understand why most i match with suddenly turn it to sex. These are also 30 something, professional men. I chat about normal things and try and build up some common ground, and have banter and they’ll respond things such as this real example that happened yesterday!

Me: Ohh, I’ve just finished work! It’s been the craziest day. So happy to be home, and to have a glass of wine and just chill! How’s your day going?

Them: ohhh nice, does wine make you frisky?

Me: No not really, just find it’s a relaxing treat at the end of the day- what are you up too?

Them: So it gets your body all relaxed does it?

My profile pics aren’t suggestive or anything like that, I don’t really understand. I’m starting to wonder if I just attract a type. My friends keep saying “oh you’re a lovely girl on a good wage with your own place, you’ll have your choice’’ but I seem to only be picking ones who want one thing.

Don't give up.I found dh online when we were both 32.

@Rustyplastic

Yes notice how women’s lives are dictated by their appearance / it seems that in the mysogynistic world we live in all a woman’s worth is to most men is their looks . It’s totally depressing that we not valued by men ( it seems EVER ) on character
achievements etc we can have achieved so much but don’t look like porn stars so too bad huh

+++++++

Up until a year ago I would have agreed with your post but in conversations with my daughter and nieces I realise that (at least for school/ university/ early 20s) the pressure / judging of women for their appearance comes very much from other women (including looking like a porn star) and not men.

I was talking to my DS recently and the topic of "popular girls" and "popular boys"school came up. So I asked what makes a popular girl and he replied "what makes a girl popular with other girls or popular with boys?"

Apologies but being a teenager I had to drag the definitions out of him but in summary his views were:

A girl(at least in a school environment) is popular amongst the other girls for her looks, make up, fashion and generally dressing and appearing much older than she actually is.

A girl (at least in a school environment) is popular amongst the other boys for someone who is not a precious princess, can muck around and not worrying about getting her shoes muddy or hair wet, someone above average clever not necessarily Set 1 Maths but at least Set 2, someone who is above average at sports not necessarily a sports champion but someone who is not afraid and willing to have a go.

So in summary "not one of the annoying group of girls that sit around at break just talking about how they look"

Of course this is just the observations of my DS (14) and conversations with my DD and nieces and I am not saying it is representative of the views of the wider society. But nonetheless it did change my previous views somewhat that maybe the pressure on how women look is as much from other women as it is men.

I think some of the posts in this thread are harsh towards men. I maintain OLD is equally dire for both men and women. Just look at some posters response of giving up OLD due to it being a very unpleasant experience - the same goes for a lot of men who also leave soon after joining.

I've mentioned in another thread that I have a couple of guy friends and also my brother who all left OLD because it was simply horrendous for them. I maintain the only ones who stick it out are undesirable in one way or another so unless you get lucky and snatch a newbie to OLD your experience will likely be the same.

I also don't buy the theory that somehow the good men get snapped up early but for some reason the good women don't??

I do also think we (both men and women) are partly our own worse enemy when it comes to OLD as often we go on with various checklists of what we want in a partner which drastically narrows the pool of available suitors. If I think of the men I've had great relationships with in the past I doubt I would have started chatting to anyone of them had we met online. Chemistry can't be felt through a computer or phone screen which is why OLD has such a low success rate.

I'm in no way making excuses for the vile men on OLD btw!

[quote 1dayatatime]@Rustyplastic

Yes notice how women’s lives are dictated by their appearance / it seems that in the mysogynistic world we live in all a woman’s worth is to most men is their looks . It’s totally depressing that we not valued by men ( it seems EVER ) on character
achievements etc we can have achieved so much but don’t look like porn stars so too bad huh

+++++++

Up until a year ago I would have agreed with your post but in conversations with my daughter and nieces I realise that (at least for school/ university/ early 20s) the pressure / judging of women for their appearance comes very much from other women (including looking like a porn star) and not men.

I was talking to my DS recently and the topic of "popular girls" and "popular boys"school came up. So I asked what makes a popular girl and he replied "what makes a girl popular with other girls or popular with boys?"

Apologies but being a teenager I had to drag the definitions out of him but in summary his views were:

A girl(at least in a school environment) is popular amongst the other girls for her looks, make up, fashion and generally dressing and appearing much older than she actually is.

A girl (at least in a school environment) is popular amongst the other boys for someone who is not a precious princess, can muck around and not worrying about getting her shoes muddy or hair wet, someone above average clever not necessarily Set 1 Maths but at least Set 2, someone who is above average at sports not necessarily a sports champion but someone who is not afraid and willing to have a go.

So in summary "not one of the annoying group of girls that sit around at break just talking about how they look"

Of course this is just the observations of my DS (14) and conversations with my DD and nieces and I am not saying it is representative of the views of the wider society. But nonetheless it did change my previous views somewhat that maybe the pressure on how women look is as much from other women as it is men.

[/quote]
Yes I’ve heard that point of view from my teenage grandkids . Although they also says it depends a lot on the actual kids you ask as she as they try to stay away from the boys and girls who are appearance focussed . However they do assure me there is a large portion who are .
My adult kids aged 21-35 tend to agree with things being very sexist still and women being judged very much by men on appearance .

There are good men on the sites. Also plenty of not so good but if you persevere and I know this can be difficult hopefully you'll find one. I was in and off OLD for a few years. Deleted my profile many a time but kept going back after a break as I wanted to meet someone. I met many a nice guy but they weren't for me also many not so nice ones!!! Eventually I did meet my partner and am so glad I never gave up.

I don't think many decent men would be online dating.
They'd have enough of a social life to get out and meet people.

I'm not that sure that men even like us much for other than sex. Many will play the field as long as they can and settle down when they're tired of hunting for sex.

At your age I met nice men easily but this was back in the 1980's. We didn't rely on dating apps then we went out to meet people and it was so much better.
It gets much harder the older you get. I joined an over 50's site recently just out of curiosity and the assortment of losers made me want to puke.
There's nothing like being sent a dick pick from some wrinkly 70 year old with no teeth or hair to put you off your dinner.
I don't bother any more.

I’m so glad I’m not of a generation that had dating apps OP, sounds like a minefield! Just here to say of the friends I have (both male and female & not like the men you’ve experienced) the most success seems to have been via the Guardian dating site. Obviously it’ll slightly depend on your political view (if you happen to be a Boris loving raging Brexiteer it’s probably not the appropriate place for you! Tbh if you are then I’m not sure where you’d go..) but if you are anything left of centre politically speaking then it seems like it attracts the more decent, intelligent type. Just a thought!

@madcatladyforever

Hope you weren’t having Sausage casserole

@chipsandgin

Think that site has closed now

I don't know about getting snapped up or leaving OLD. I suspect some just give up.

My my oh as a friend of my brother when I used to hang out with them occasionally. Most of his friends were nice lads and several never married. They never married because they basically decided that dating was a waste of time. Came to the opinion of women that many here have of men. They tended to find that they were being used for free meals and days out. One of the girls in the office accepted a date with one of my brothers friends only to go to a nearby pub with her mates to have a good laugh watching while he waited outside the restaurant for her. She thought it really funny.

If you're a social worker you may not be in the best place for meeting unattached men at work but I'd try looking in real life rather than OLD. They are around and probably having the same difficulty finding a nice girl as you are a nice man.

'my my' - I met my

There are lots of unpleasant women too, maybe fewer sex pests though.
Od is like real life in my opinion. LOads of idiots and a minority of lovely people.
Patience is essential to find the decent ones who suit you.

@coronaway

I think some of the posts in this thread are harsh towards men. I maintain OLD is equally dire for both men and women. Just look at some posters response of giving up OLD due to it being a very unpleasant experience - the same goes for a lot of men who also leave soon after joining.

I've mentioned in another thread that I have a couple of guy friends and also my brother who all left OLD because it was simply horrendous for them. I maintain the only ones who stick it out are undesirable in one way or another so unless you get lucky and snatch a newbie to OLD your experience will likely be the same.

I also don't buy the theory that somehow the good men get snapped up early but for some reason the good women don't??

I do also think we (both men and women) are partly our own worse enemy when it comes to OLD as often we go on with various checklists of what we want in a partner which drastically narrows the pool of available suitors. If I think of the men I've had great relationships with in the past I doubt I would have started chatting to anyone of them had we met online. Chemistry can't be felt through a computer or phone screen which is why OLD has such a low success rate.

I'm in no way making excuses for the vile men on OLD btw!

👏🏻 @coronaway I have seen your measured and reasonable replies on other dating threads and I agree with you! I have the same experience as you. Looking back, guys I have had a connection with, I could easily have swiped left on if they had not liked me first or sent me a message first. So I was quite open-minded when I were last on the app. If they were polite, can message consistently, no sexual talk and asked me out quickly I would say yes...

I have been on and off dating apps for years. Did take a break of a few years so I would say about 5 years in total. On hindsight, I can see now sometimes the guys weren’t right or I wasn’t right for then or simply I wasn’t ready or not the right time. But meeting that someone special is also a lot on luck!

I deleted all my dating apps at the start of lockdown. Started again when first lockdown ended and I actually ended up having dates with about six guys. I actually thought for once, guys wanted to date as no one wanted to end up in lockdown alone again! All outdoor dates to begin with, which I thought was fab as it stopped any kind of unwanted physical gestures.

1st guy - had a great first date, not sure we had much in common, said he would like to see me again and never heard from him again. Meh.

2nd guy - fun chap! Had a picnic first date. He bought all the food, I brought cookies. We ended up having two more dates and it fizzled out.

3rd - three dates, no chemistry on my part, I had to end it...

4th guy - three dates, a bit of chemistry. He ended it as it felt it wasn’t going anywhere. Fair, felt the same but was too cowardly to do so...

5th guy - someone I had a great first date with at the start of the year but just had a baby with ex so he did not feel ready to get involved again. Got in contact at start of lockdown. We finally met up when lockdown ended, ended up going out with him for about 10 dates over 3 months. I ended it as it was clear his ex (and baby) still very dependent on him and he couldn’t commit to anything more serious than going on a date once every few weeks...

6th guy - now my first boyfriend in about 5 years! Been dating 6 months and just getting serious abs loving every minute of it.

But it was tough! I was literally going on like 3 dates a week in the beginning and was exhausted but I just wanted to meet people cos I knew we weren’t going to meet anyone in lockdown... btw, I’m 44 and divorced with kids while he is 48, never married. No kids. We are such polar opposites and I only went out with him as he looked interesting...

I did think in the last five years I was never going to meet anyone this way but the optimist in me keeps saying ‘it only takes one...’ but I think having clear boundaries, knowing what you are looking for (and not going with what the men want! Most want ‘casual’... ) and just endurance helped in the end... it’s bloody hard!

@QueefBee

Women who get 'snapped up' are usually snapped for their looks from a teen of 16 you find a brigade of possessive manuplative men queuing up to lock her down with a baby.

Average women or fortunate women would meet their husband at uni. Loads of doctors and dentists marry each other this way for example.

Op works in a heavily female dominated sector and when she studied for it it would have been heavily female, too.

Op how did you meet your 2 long term relations and looking back were there any red flags or common themes as they both cheated?

The first one I dated we were at uni together, and he basically wanted to play the field but also wanted someone steady to be there on the “boring” days I guess.

Second partner was in the civil service, working nights and all hours, weekends and cheated with someone who was on the same rota as him- to be fair, they ended up spending more time together than we did.

I’m using bumble and hinge, but not much luck on either ☹️

If you look at it this way, they are doing you a favour by showing you what they are like so you don't waste time meeting up.

Not all men are so disrespectful. I wonder if it is the dating sites you are on that are attracting men like that? Perhaps you need to be more discerning with the dating sites ?

When I was younger you met people in the pub mostly. The guys I met, I already knew them by sight, or saw them out and about with friends or ,girlfriends and knew which ones to avoid, but sometimes the really nice ones turned out to be not so nice.
I would hate to have to start all that malarkey again if something went wrong with my partner, and dating websites are much like any other site where people don't always tell the truth.
It's a minefield. I suppose you just have to keep trying.

@madcatladyforever

At your age I met nice men easily but this was back in the 1980's. We didn't rely on dating apps then we went out to meet people and it was so much better. It gets much harder the older you get. I joined an over 50's site recently just out of curiosity and the assortment of losers made me want to puke. There's nothing like being sent a dick pick from some wrinkly 70 year old with no teeth or hair to put you off your dinner. I don't bother any more.

Seriously are they still sending dic pics at aged 70?! Wtf! You would have thought they'd had grown out of it by then? I work in healthcare and see a lot of old man's wrinkly penises, how on earth can they think that would be attractive to a woman! Grey sparse untrimmed pubes, wrinkly ballsacks total vomit lol the younger guys are bad enough. I feel for you! Definitely stick to the cats, it's my aim in life

@TwoBoysTooMany76 I really enjoyed reading your story and you have given me hope! Can I ask, what apps were you on when you were dating?

Yes notice how women’s lives are dictated by their appearance / it seems that in the mysogynistic world we live in all a woman’s worth is to most men is their looks . It’s totally depressing that we not valued by men ( it seems EVER ) on character achievements etc we can have achieved so much but don’t look like porn stars so too bad huh

This is so true. People may try and deny it but I have experienced how true this is as an average looking woman. Having a good job, own property means shit to a man if you are not pretty.

I had many men in my OD journey trade me over for a physically prettier woman. I also hated the men who wrote in their dating profile "all women ignore me on here" I contact them and they would ignore me!

So really what they were saying is "I'm having a shit time on OD as I'm looking for a woman out of my league" boo boo. What they don't mention is the women they are rejecting.

Even my current partner of two years was differing between me and another woman (she was prettier) she saw him only as a friend so he pursued me and cut her off. That hurts beyond belief but I do genuinely feel men are vile pigs

Unfortunately it's just men generally. It's quite hard to meet a man who isn't like this.

I'm struggling too. Guys either go for the sex talk immediately or I feel zero connection.

I've noticed the guys I like and the ones that like me are very different. I'm clearly punching to high. Also doesn't help that I'm tall and only short men are interested. I know it sounds shallow, but is it so wrong to want to be with someone of equal height or taller.....

I'm told I'm attractive, nice person blah blah, but clearly I'm not.

I'm on Match, it is far better than OLD, but still I'd expect more from a paid for site.

I've managed one date in 5 months of on/off online dating. He was wearing his wedding ring!! Had around 4 conversations with men. 1 I didn't pursue, 1 disappeared, 1 fizzled out 1 ghosted me. Its exhausting.......

I found match dire. Bumble is ok but I dont get many likes back.

Men just care about looks . That trumps everything else . Women care about looks too but nowhere to the extent men do . Wine. Will take into account all the other things men offer but for men a woman can be amazing in every other aspect but as soon as he thinks he has a chance with a ‘better looking ‘ woman he soon loses interest and gives it a go .
I really believe this is why so many men skip from woman to woman and ghost one woman after the next cause they possibilities are endless and always changing
For a woman who’s met some man she’s thinks is great and he’s still online looking at other women the goalpost for her will always be moving , hence the ghosting and games so many play

Like a PP most of my dating (didn't call it that then though) was in the 80s. Met men easily at parties, pubs and clubs mainly, or through friends. If there was a mutual attraction, you started seeing each other.

There were dating agencies you had to pay to join then (by post) but they were well known for being a waste of time and only for the desperate. No one would willingly admit to joining such a thing!

Other than the fact dating sites must attract a lot of the less desirable kind even now (not suggesting all you lovely posters fit this category, if course!), there must also be a sense of anonymity when messaging which is very different from a real life meeting. (I swear at other car drivers when I'm safely out of earshot in my car but wouldn't do the same face to face, for example !)

There's also the fact that you can also keep looking as there are so many people on there, so why stop? In real life that's a lot more work.

But most of all, I honestly don't know how you can know if you like someone without the chemistry of meeting face to face. So there must be a lot of time spent messaging and meeting non starters which is very disheartening.

I used to feel there were 3 ways of classing men on first meeting - definite "no"s - dismissed in seconds (most of them), a few "maybe"s who could be worth chatting to and hardly any "yes"s - though maybe I was ultra fussy. Online it must be harder to work out which is which.

I sympathise. It sounds awful and I would suggest trying to find a hobby that would enable you (post pandemic) to meet men naturally.