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Original poster

Dealing with one of my partners colleagues flirting with him

79 replies

Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:29

Last Christmas at a there was a female colleague openly flirting with my partner right in front of me. She made an effort to sit next to him and at every opportunity at the bowling alley tried to make out they were going for the same ball to touch his hands and stare at him, you can tell when someone is flirty and keen on someone. When we left she made a point of saying you won't see me until then as I am on leave and hugged for a little too long. . I said how I found it disconcerting her openly flirting and it made me feel uncomfortable he said oh she says I'm good for an old 'un (she's 18 years younger) and she is very intelligent (which I know he finds attractive) and I respect her. since then when working from home he doesn't always pick up her calls or doesn't always put her on loudspeaker but if he does makes a point of saying I am there
He played one of her answerphone messages and she said I am waiting like a puppy dog for you to call me back, I said what's that about he said I have no idea and appeared slightly miffed.
Anyway she is leaving and she invited him for a goodbye cuppa in the office, he said he'd take me along too which is great but I feel awkward and wonder how to play this if she is clearly going to be the same and will want to hug him etc...WWYD?
They have promised to keep in touch and he will send her his new phone number if he changes phones...

OP posts:
DimeBarLady · 10/12/2020 09:32

Bloody hell, she’s being pretty brazen about it! It’s reassuring that your dh seems to find it slightly irritating rather than flattering though. I’m a bit embarrassed for her tbh, very childish behaviour.

TwentyViginti · 10/12/2020 09:33

He's certainly enjoying the two of you vying for his attention, isn't he? You're being triangulated OP.

Scarby9 · 10/12/2020 09:35

Well clearly no hugging or going within 2m due to Covid.
Whereas you need to sit very close to him to free up space for others.

TwentyViginti · 10/12/2020 09:36

They have promised to keep in touch and he will send her his new phone number if he changes phones...

Tell him that's fine. He can communicate with her from his new accommodation, as he'll no longer be your partner......

Scarby9 · 10/12/2020 09:37

And actually, I would directly call her on it, or encourage him to do it to.
'Are you flirting? Seriously?' (incredulous tone).

Newwayofthinking · 10/12/2020 09:37

Why does he need to keep in touch.

If the goodbye is just him and her (I know he is taking you along) why does he even need to go.

I agree he quite likes her flirting and you feeling uncomfortable, he is saying to you "I could if I wanted, but I won't, aren't you lucky"

Original poster
Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:41

@TwentyViginti

They have promised to keep in touch and he will send her his new phone number if he changes phones...

Tell him that's fine. He can communicate with her from his new accommodation, as he'll no longer be your partner......

I can hardly stop that unfortunately .... The thing is the more I say I am bothered by it the more secretive he will be in order to avoid me being offended by it and being mardy about it, I do want to know what's going on if she's been in touch etc
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/12/2020 09:41

@Scarby9

Well clearly no hugging or going within 2m due to Covid. Whereas you need to sit very close to him to free up space for others.
Yes becayse marking your territory is critical. Either you trust him or you don’t. Marking your territory isn’t going to change that. If you trust him her flirting is irrelevant, if you don’t then the issue is a bigger one.
Original poster
Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:42

@Scarby9

And actually, I would directly call her on it, or encourage him to do it to. 'Are you flirting? Seriously?' (incredulous tone).
How I wished I had your guts! If I did this he'd be very embarrassed by me and I also think very annoyed!
OP posts:
user1493413286 · 10/12/2020 09:43

Why is he bothering going if he won’t have to work with her again? I find it surprising he hasn’t told her she’s inappropriate; if a man was doing that to me I’d be making a complaint with my manager

TwentyViginti · 10/12/2020 09:44

Oh, I see. HIS feelings are more important than yours.

Original poster
Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:44

@Newwayofthinking

Why does he need to keep in touch.

If the goodbye is just him and her (I know he is taking you along) why does he even need to go.

I agree he quite likes her flirting and you feeling uncomfortable, he is saying to you "I could if I wanted, but I won't, aren't you lucky"

He likes her and wants to.... He obviously likes it, it's an ego boost and you are exactly right in what he is saying.
OP posts:
Newwayofthinking · 10/12/2020 09:46

So call him out on it

I'm not comfortable with you continuing this relationship with her, she is blatantly flirting with you in front of me.

If anything happened, there would be no going back, we would be over.

Original poster
Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:49

@user1493413286

Why is he bothering going if he won’t have to work with her again? I find it surprising he hasn’t told her she’s inappropriate; if a man was doing that to me I’d be making a complaint with my manager
He obviously likes it it's all about his ego what man wouldn't? I am just glad they won't be working together any longer except I will always be wondering if they are in touch...
OP posts:
CorianderQueen · 10/12/2020 09:49

To your partner: 'I think this is disrespectful to me and I think you're enjoying it. This is unacceptable to me.'

To the woman: 'Why do you think it's acceptable to flirt in front of me?'

So what if he'd be embarrassed and mad at you? He's the one enjoying being flirted with which humiliates and angers you. You're letting him take the piss out of you. Set some boundaries, it makes you look like you'll take anything just to keep him sweet.

Original poster
Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:51

@Newwayofthinking

So call him out on it

I'm not comfortable with you continuing this relationship with her, she is blatantly flirting with you in front of me.

If anything happened, there would be no going back, we would be over.

I would have to if I saw anything when we meet, he'd just get annoyed at me for being so touchy about it though.

I end up feeling like I am the one in the wrong even though most women would feel this way wouldn't they?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:53

@CorianderQueen

To your partner: 'I think this is disrespectful to me and I think you're enjoying it. This is unacceptable to me.'

To the woman: 'Why do you think it's acceptable to flirt in front of me?'

So what if he'd be embarrassed and mad at you? He's the one enjoying being flirted with which humiliates and angers you. You're letting him take the piss out of you. Set some boundaries, it makes you look like you'll take anything just to keep him sweet.

I wished I had the guts to say that to her....He'd make out I was being stupid and then I would question myself am I making something out of nothing here?
OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 10/12/2020 09:54

Are you a doormat in other areas of your life, or just desperate to cling on to this disrespectful man?

Original poster
Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:56

Yes I probably am a doormat, anything for a quiet life, it's a long story I have been through a lot and I just want love and affection.

OP posts:
Newwayofthinking · 10/12/2020 09:58

How long have you been together?

It doesn't matter what he thinks, he is being distrespectfull.

Original poster
Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:59

About 18 months....

I value all your messages thanks...

OP posts:
Newwayofthinking · 10/12/2020 10:11

I've been with my partner 2 yrs, he left his wife about 6 months before dating me.

We attended a work colleagues leaving party, someone who he had worked very closely with and they had shared a kiss, before coming to their senses

Anyway he said he would love to meet up with her for a cuppa. I was totally happy with that.

Then it was oh she invited me round to show me her new place and have a Chinese together.

I explained that a cosy night in with a Chinese was a line I didn't want him to cross and flipped it so he could see it from the other side.

He agreed it was overstepping and he never went, in fact he cut contact and deleted her number.

Draw your boundarys

ReetDortyLass · 10/12/2020 10:17

Agree to go to the leaving do together but then just go for a Maccies instead. When she calls him on it, he needs to tell her that something came up. He needs to really show her he had something better to do that day and that he isn;t that bothered. Anything less from him makes it obvious he is as into her as she is into him.

LolaSmiles · 10/12/2020 10:29

If you trust him then there's nothing to worry about. Sometimes I find grey rock with these types of women are best.

I had a similar situation and found it was easier to smile nicely and not react. She turned up her antics and in the end mutual friends started to keep their distance. She showed herself up.

Then to your partner in private 'you seem to be enjoying the attention and the fact she's presenting herself as an option, by all means stay in touch but it needs to be with clear platonic boundaries'.

If he can't or won't do that (or worse he goes running to her feeding her 'poor me DP doesn't understand me') then whatever you do don't do the pick me dance. You are better than groveling for crumbs.

nevernotstruggling · 10/12/2020 10:41

Best advice I ever had on these situations is to say to your partner 'do what you want but don't come back to me' and then also saying 'i would rather you didn't cheat on me because you don't want to cheat on me, not because I've just blocked you from being able to'

I think I would be taking a big step back from this situation and evaluating on my own. The whole thing sounds grim.