Dealing with one of my partners colleagues flirting with him

[Fernlea]

Last Christmas at a there was a female colleague openly flirting with my partner right in front of me. She made an effort to sit next to him and at every opportunity at the bowling alley tried to make out they were going for the same ball to touch his hands and stare at him, you can tell when someone is flirty and keen on someone. When we left she made a point of saying you won't see me until then as I am on leave and hugged for a little too long. . I said how I found it disconcerting her openly flirting and it made me feel uncomfortable he said oh she says I'm good for an old 'un (she's 18 years younger) and she is very intelligent (which I know he finds attractive) and I respect her. since then when working from home he doesn't always pick up her calls or doesn't always put her on loudspeaker but if he does makes a point of saying I am there
He played one of her answerphone messages and she said I am waiting like a puppy dog for you to call me back, I said what's that about he said I have no idea and appeared slightly miffed.
Anyway she is leaving and she invited him for a goodbye cuppa in the office, he said he'd take me along too which is great but I feel awkward and wonder how to play this if she is clearly going to be the same and will want to hug him etc...WWYD?
They have promised to keep in touch and he will send her his new phone number if he changes phones...

I would not be happy with this at all. I would be having it out with him as to why he thinks it's OK to let her overly flirt when he's in a relationship, it's disrespectful to you. I'd also not be happy with him staying in touch with her when she leaves when there's absolutely no need.

His loyalty should be with you, you're not saying he can't have female friends, you're saying what she's doing it unacceptable, it's upsetting you and he should stop for that reason, he's putting her feelings before yours and that's not on.

Oh God. She clearly had no respect for you.
Did she make any effort with you at all?
I have had this experience and it's caused endless rows. In the end I had a go at said woman and she backed off.

Personally I think flirting with other people is fine but there is definitely a line that cannot be crossed.

I would find it disrespectful though if my partner flirted with someone else in front of me.

As for the woman, I wouldn't care about her flirting with my DH if I trusted him.

You are going to have to address this, OP. But I'm not sure how. It's just that I was in a very similar position to you years ago. I actually left it 8 years (can you believe my naivete) before asking the question about whether he might have gotten too close to her. Then there was a much more difficult situation to resolve, much bigger than it had of been had I asked the question 8 years earlier.
The problem with these innocent flirtations and crushes is that they can become a habit and he might become attached to it. This can seriously damage his relationship with you even if there's nothing physical between him and her.

He's had this thing with her nearly your entire relationship.

Her inviting specifically him doesn't sound like the typical leaving party.

You seem afraid to express your discomforts to him.
What other ways does he shut you down?

Do you live together and where do you see this relationship going?

@Fernlea

Yes I probably am a doormat, anything for a quiet life, it's a long story I have been through a lot and I just want love and affection.

Or, you might not be a doormat, just a loving and respectful person who doesn't want to make others feel uncomfortable due to confrontation? You should feel love and affection from your partner and if he is doing something which makes you feel the opposite then he needs to be aware of how his behaviour is affecting you. The trouble is, as others have said, attention from younger women can make older men feel wonderful; it sometimes appears to trump the deep love and support they get from their wife. Then, if you say anything, you're being 'mardy' or 'having a dig'. I hate to say that you're in a no-win situation but from experience I would advise anyone to address the issue sooner rather than later.

You say what man wouldn’t love it OP? Plenty actually who respect their partner and therefore draw healthy boundaries that don’t put them in awkward positions.

My dp has female friends that he would meet without me in non COVID times no issue but has turned down going for dinner with a colleague before because he felt she was being flirty and it made him uncomfortable to think he could be crossing a boundary so he avoids speaking to her about anything unrelated to work.

Your partner is being disrespectful

We shall see next week what happens, he would deny that she's flirting and yes shut me down over it, it's the shutting down and dismissing of my feelings that bothers me. I'd be over reacting as he's say she was a good friend and I was being daft.

Don't put up with this shit.

He wants you to carry on being his partner and have some resepct for him?

Then there will be no ridiculous toe-curling 'goodbye cuppa', and no exchanging of phone numbers so they can carry on flirting.

His choice.

it's the shutting down and dismissing of my feelings that bothers me

Exactly.

Which is why you just shut this shit down immediately and are blunt as fuck that you won't put up with it.

If he values this kind of shit above your feelings, he's not worth being with and you should cut him loose. No fucking around with - oooh you're overreacting - he knows full well she is flirting and he's enjoying it. Cut the fucking bullshit. If you want a partner that puts up with being made to feel like shit over nonsense like this, that will not be me.

Well. You can either be direct with him and say that since he's not shut down her very childish attempts at seduction, you're not happy with him meeting up with her, now or ever. If he wants to go, fine, but that's you done with him.

Or you could go with him, wait til she goes to the loo, follow her in then get up in her face and tell her "I will end you."

She is obviously very brave to do it in front of you. You've had several good suggestions on what to do. Sounds like covid did you a favour here keeping him home. She can't get that close to him at the minute due to the 2m rule. If I was being petty, every time she said something I would do something aswell to him to show it for what it is. And how about turning round on him, some say its ok for them, so would it be ok for you to. Say to him so if so and so at work started what she is doing would you be ok with that, and right under your nose? He may see sense then

Your partner has zero respect for you. I should hope you believe you deserve better than this.

Why do they need to keep in touch? And what do you mean you can’t stop it? He’s your OH not hers and if their isn’t something absolutely dire at work that needs sorting then it definitely shouldn’t even be an option.

Call her out on it, and then him. Tell her she should stop embarrassing herself and tell him to grow up.

He doesn't seem very committed to you.
Have you discussed where your relationship is going?

Wow !! What a desperate cow 🤢 I would tell him once he goes she to have no contact at all with him . Either she's the bunny boiler type saying about she's been waiting like a puppy dog or he's been leading her on and that's why he always mentions you are there so they don't get in to any inappropriate conversations . But you need to put a stop to this now . My ex had an affair with a girl from the office . He always just said she's one of the lads she's a laugh . I had an odd feeling but believed him until he left his phone at home and she had sent him a text saying I have put our song on the road op for us . Phoned in to a radio station . He come home and I asked about and he he just said it was a private joke . Next day we were out shopping and she kept phoning him and I just knew. I flipped out . Kicked him out and not my proudest moment went mad on her where she threatened me with the police . We got back together 6 months later . Lasted another 4 years . He cheated again . Not with her but a week after I find out he's moved in with the girl from work !!! So I'm assuming they had been in contact all the time we were back . They only lasted 2 months. Grass ain't always greener

@Fernlea
How would he feel if you did something similar?
I would start doing the same thing with someone you know as a friend and see how he likes it.

Regardless of her behaviour, your OH is being a disrespectful prick by playing along with it. A decent partner would shut her down. They'd also not minimise your feelings and blame you for objecting to behaviour that is clearly overstepping.

He's showing you clearly he's an arse that gives no shits about your feelings and will prioritise his ego over your needs. Rather than get caught up trying to keep this woman away from him, I'd have a long hard think about whether you actually want to keep him at all.

@nevernotstruggling

Best advice I ever had on these situations is to say to your partner 'do what you want but don't come back to me' and then also saying 'i would rather you didn't cheat on me because you don't want to cheat on me, not because I've just blocked you from being able to'

I think I would be taking a big step back from this situation and evaluating on my own. The whole thing sounds grim.

Yes to this.

I would not go trailing after him to the work thing.

I’d end things with him and get some therapy to deal with the issues which let you accept such poor treatment. That’s what I’m doing.

Thing is he has female friends from his profession who he keeps in touch with so he'd argue why is she any different and probably gaslight me into thinking I was over reacting, plus he'd be more secretive.
How would I know if he'd been in touch short of checking his phone and also he'd probably delete his call history or texts
I was just thinking if she is like this in front of me what is she like in the office???

[quote KatnissNeverseen]@Fernlea
How would he feel if you did something similar?
I would start doing the same thing with someone you know as a friend and see how he likes it.[/quote]
He'd say he was OK with it as he trusts me...

I also think him taking me along is a way of saying 'hey look I took you with me, there's nothing going on here why would I have taken you if that was the case'

@Fernlea it sounds a miserable way to live. Will you ever trust him?

If you do want to stay with him then I’d back off completely and concentrate on living a great life for you: do your own thing and stop thinking about policing him.

[quote WouldBeGood]@Fernlea it sounds a miserable way to live. Will you ever trust him?

If you do want to stay with him then I’d back off completely and concentrate on living a great life for you: do your own thing and stop thinking about policing him.[/quote]
Sounds a good plan, thanks x

You can't control him but you can choose to stay in a relationship or not. Personally,if I was with someone who dismisses me frequently then I'd be gone. You can speak up and draw boundaries