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Relationships

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Original poster

Dealing with one of my partners colleagues flirting with him

79 replies

Fernlea · 10/12/2020 09:29

Last Christmas at a there was a female colleague openly flirting with my partner right in front of me. She made an effort to sit next to him and at every opportunity at the bowling alley tried to make out they were going for the same ball to touch his hands and stare at him, you can tell when someone is flirty and keen on someone. When we left she made a point of saying you won't see me until then as I am on leave and hugged for a little too long. . I said how I found it disconcerting her openly flirting and it made me feel uncomfortable he said oh she says I'm good for an old 'un (she's 18 years younger) and she is very intelligent (which I know he finds attractive) and I respect her. since then when working from home he doesn't always pick up her calls or doesn't always put her on loudspeaker but if he does makes a point of saying I am there
He played one of her answerphone messages and she said I am waiting like a puppy dog for you to call me back, I said what's that about he said I have no idea and appeared slightly miffed.
Anyway she is leaving and she invited him for a goodbye cuppa in the office, he said he'd take me along too which is great but I feel awkward and wonder how to play this if she is clearly going to be the same and will want to hug him etc...WWYD?
They have promised to keep in touch and he will send her his new phone number if he changes phones...

OP posts:

Sayitasitis2020 · 11/12/2020 13:21

...probably gaslight me into thinking I was over reacting, plus he'd be more secretive.
How would I know if he'd been in touch short of checking his phone and also he'd probably delete his call history or texts

If this is what you feel your OH will be like what is the point of the relationship?
And is it better that he doesn't hide the flirting because he gets away with doing it in front of you?
He's training you to not question anything he does. Does this situation make you feel uncomfortable? Why would you ignore that?
Love and respect yourself.

nevernotstruggling · 11/12/2020 13:30

I think if the relationship has got to the stage of chaperoning each other to goodbye meetings with ex colleagues it's probably fucked in every sense.

Though it reminds me of situations which my exh used to orchestrate to fuck with my head years ago. Looking back he actively prevented me from forming friendships with the partners of his friends who were female etc by cooking up similar nonsense to the op.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2020 14:42

@Sayitasitis2020

*...probably gaslight me into thinking I was over reacting, plus he'd be more secretive. How would I know if he'd been in touch short of checking his phone and also he'd probably delete his call history or texts*

This!! If this is the reaction you expect from him, why on earth do you want to be with him?! You know in happy, healthy, loving relationships it isn't like this don't you?

likeamillpond · 11/12/2020 14:46

@DimeBarLady

Bloody hell, she’s being pretty brazen about it! It’s reassuring that your dh seems to find it slightly irritating rather than flattering though. I’m a bit embarrassed for her tbh, very childish behaviour.

He's hardly going to admit that he finds it flattering. Is he?

likeamillpond · 11/12/2020 14:57

It sounds as if the poor woman is desperate to be near him.
There are some women who will latch onto any available male, taken or otherwise, when they should be forming their own relationships.
To do it under your nose makes her look desperate and sad.
Pity her.

YoniAndGuy · 11/12/2020 16:03

You've only been with him 18 months?!

Omg. Dump. He's a stirring little twat.

Oxyiz · 11/12/2020 16:09

You can do better than this OP, and you deserve better too

Janegirl89 · 11/12/2020 16:21

Talk to him and tell him how you are feeling about the while situation. Surely if he respects and cares for you he will understand your feelings and not allow this to become too friendly or flirty - if they need to be in contact for work purposes fine but other than this he should stop and make it clear he is not interested

C0NNIE · 11/12/2020 16:26

@Aquamarine1029

Your partner has zero respect for you. I should hope you believe you deserve better than this.

This.

He’s playing mind games and trying to make your jealous. Are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life ?

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 03:31

You are already conditioned to not question his boundaries.
Seriously what is the point, you have not known him too long and this behaviour will only get worse over the years.

Really do yourself a favour and get rid, you are worth more than this.
Humiliating you in front of other women.

Just say no.

ballsdeep · 12/12/2020 03:45

@Fernlea

Yes I probably am a doormat, anything for a quiet life, it's a long story I have been through a lot and I just want love and affection.

Op with all due respect you need to grow a pair.

She was openly flirting with your husband in front of you and others. If you noticed, so did others. Your husband is disrespectful and clearly has no regard for you or your feelings to let this carry on. I think it's really dodgey and it's almost like she was goading, seeing how far she could take it . I wouldn't be surprised if something else was going on. It seems like she was trying to lay her claim on him.

VeryOdd · 12/12/2020 07:45

NC for this. Many years ago at uni, I had a very similar experience. My then-boyfriend and I went out to the smoking area one night. I very briefly popped off to the ladies and when I came back there was a girl from his course talking to him. He introduced me as his girlfriend and put his arm around me as normal.

Only this other girl then proceeded to perform the most bizarre and brazen act of flirting that I've ever seen. It totally knocked me off balance, so much so that I didn't quite know how to react. It was so obvious, blatant, and over the top that in my head, I just thought...this can't possibly be for real... I would have thought she was just drunk, but for the fact that she completely ignored my existence. I would try and join in their conversation and she'd completely cut me off. My boyfriend was the slowest smoker in the world but even he was trying to pick up the pace to get us out of there. She then said to him, we're getting a taxi into town come with us, but that I couldn't come as there weren't enough seats hahaha. She then rather expectantly held out her hand for him to take! He gave her a rather resounding no. After she left he just turned to me with a face of 'wtf was up with her?'
After a couple of weeks of her attempting to reach out to him on Facebook asking him out on study dates, coffee dates, and later on just plain old date dates, she gave up and moved on.

It was with a weird sense of "Ah...well that makes sense I suppose," when that girl many years later started featuring rather heavily in the papers as Britain's most famous OW.

Tbh if I were you, I'd say something to the colleague so that she realises just how odd her behaviour is. It doesn't have to be snide or too overt. Just one very pointed comment that makes her realise she's being a fool. She will put some men off but others will love it. I'd be a little worried that your partner is not more perturbed by it.

Original poster

Fernlea · 13/12/2020 08:49

She's actually married with a 2yo....he said before in a different life they would probably have made a go of it, I remembered this statement so watched out for her for that reason.
I'm still dreading Wednesday because I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
He'd just say he likes and respects her regular works be keep in touch. I'd say what about your respect for me and he'd say I was overreacting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fernlea · 13/12/2020 08:52

*why wouldn't he keep in touch...

OP posts:

WouldBeGood · 13/12/2020 09:44

I really think you should arrange to do something else that night.

PurpleMustang · 13/12/2020 10:09

Yes be doing something else, like having a coffee with an old male work colleague you have kept in touch with on the next table

WouldBeGood · 13/12/2020 10:21

Start the gym, have a catch up with a friend, organise a book group, go running - just anything that’s for you and will raise your spirits and self esteem

SnowDogFarts · 13/12/2020 11:01

You've spent a short 18 months of your life with this man and has already chipped away at your confidence and self esteem to the point you are prepared to accept his shitty, disrespectful behaviour. He has quite a few red flags blowing in the wind that I'm concerned that this is just the start of a long, miserable road for you.

So early still in your relationship where a lot of people are still on their best behaviour, but your OH has already disrespected you and thought nothing of humiliating you (in public too, allowing a colleague to hang of him whilst in the company of his gf, in a room full of others), he is gaslighting you and making second guess yourself and you think you are blowing things out of proportion, making you feel like your thoughts and feelings are invalid to the point you don't want to speak out or confront shitty behaviour.

Your posts are quite a sad read. You deserve better than this. What are you getting out of this relationship? Is it really worth investing more of your time and wellbeing on someone who appears to value you so little?

VivaMiltonKeynes · 13/12/2020 11:04

@Fernlea

Last Christmas at a there was a female colleague openly flirting with my partner right in front of me. She made an effort to sit next to him and at every opportunity at the bowling alley tried to make out they were going for the same ball to touch his hands and stare at him, you can tell when someone is flirty and keen on someone. When we left she made a point of saying you won't see me until then as I am on leave and hugged for a little too long. . I said how I found it disconcerting her openly flirting and it made me feel uncomfortable he said oh she says I'm good for an old 'un (she's 18 years younger) and she is very intelligent (which I know he finds attractive) and I respect her. since then when working from home he doesn't always pick up her calls or doesn't always put her on loudspeaker but if he does makes a point of saying I am there He played one of her answerphone messages and she said I am waiting like a puppy dog for you to call me back, I said what's that about he said I have no idea and appeared slightly miffed. Anyway she is leaving and she invited him for a goodbye cuppa in the office, he said he'd take me along too which is great but I feel awkward and wonder how to play this if she is clearly going to be the same and will want to hug him etc...WWYD? They have promised to keep in touch and he will send her his new phone number if he changes phones...

If he is interested then why is he taking you along?

feistymumma · 13/12/2020 11:08

I would put a stop to it by letting him know that he wasn't going to any drinks with her

GreekOddess · 13/12/2020 11:18

It's very odd that you are going for a coffee with the pair of them it's like he can't trust himself and needs you there to stop himself making a move

It's also odd that he is bothering to meet her for a coffee. We aren't having any meet-ups at all at work. She's leaving, big deal she's only a colleague not his best mate.

It's also hugely inappropriate that he told you that in a different life they would've made a go of it. He fancies the pants off her and he is old enough to be her father. 🤮

Dump him you can do better than a tragic midlife crisis man.

YakkityYakYakYak · 13/12/2020 12:12

he said before in a different life they would probably have made a go of it

Wow, well that was the final straw for me. He’s being incredibly disrespectful to you. He’s not embarrassed about her flirting, if he was he would shut it down and give her a wide berth, not entertain it.

If you can’t talk to him reasonably about why you’re upset about this, then I’m afraid you have much bigger issues in your relationship.

Is it supposed to be just the three of you on Wednesday? How awkward. He shouldn’t be putting you in a position where you have to choose between going for an awkward coffee date and watching her flirt with him, or staying at home wondering what’s going.

MikeUniformMike · 13/12/2020 12:21

Get out OP. There is more to it.
If she becomes single he'll be off like a shot.
You deserve better.

Qasidy · 13/12/2020 13:49

Wow you have dealt with this way too nicely. By him maintaining communication with her allows for something bad to happen down the line. I would speak to him and tell him how you feel about that and out of respect for you he needs to block her. If she feels so confident to act so flirtatious in front of you as his wife then I can't image how she acts around him when your not there. I would tell remind her he's taken if I was you but if your not confident, I think any next meet ups you should remind her of this reality by being overly affectionate with him so she knows he's still pretty much into you and the flame is still there.

Skittlebug · 13/12/2020 14:49

Sounds like the kind of woman who's only interested if the man is taken and he knows this. She's all about the attention, she can't seriously be interested in a man 18 years older than her...how big is his paunch? List all his ugly qualities. There's no fool like an old fool. From what you've described, I actually hate him. You'll regret staying in this relationship a few years down the line once you've clawed back your self esteem.

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