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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What are your thoughts on this guy?!

75 replies

CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 16:06

Online dating is quite difficult (in my opinion) at the best of times. Life as it is, with all the restrictions, makes it more so.
However, I continued to do so. Started chatting to a guy, got on well via messages, exchanged numbers. Unable to meet, however, it was something we talked about when we could. It turns out, he is still married and they're still living together with their 3 children. Split last September and when he finally found a place (around March time), he was unable to move out due to the current situation. I completely understand everyone has a story and reasons for having to stay in the same property. Seperation is difficult for everyone. I'm not sure if I'm imagining it (because of the situation) but something feels strange. He messages alot in the day time (he works from home). He says his wife works in the evening and is still building a career so she is able to stay in the home when he leaves. He says he can't afford both sets of rent (one mortgage). So moving out has been put on hold although it's still the plan. He does the school run and never contacts me until 10pm. I know how busy life is with children. He pre warms me that the weekend is busy (with children) so won't really have time to be in contact. The more I have been chatting to him, the more I think, how is this guy going to date. I know that's difficult too, when you have children, but I have been single a long time and in a position to date but understand our children come first. I also understand it's difficult to find childcare and would expect someone to understand my circumstances so I'm trying to understand his. Am I feeling like something is off because it's just so difficult to date at the moment. Life is so restricted.
He has mentioned meeting twice (in between his meetings. I couldn't the first time as I had an appointment. I asked to meet a little later he said he had to do the school run. Anyway, he has mentioned Friday. First it was 10am then changed to 12. I am not sure if tgere is potential here due to his circumstances (which I know he can't help).

OP posts:

Dobbyhasnomaster · 09/12/2020 16:11

It sounds like a lot of hassle you could probably do without, and the fact he’s still living with his wife after so long would raise alarm bells. I’d start swiping again. Dating is a nightmare, sending a hug!!

Aprilx · 09/12/2020 16:11

My thoughts are that he is married with no intention of separation and looking for something on the side. If he is being truthful about the separation, it is still not a situation I would want to get involved.

MulledGin · 09/12/2020 16:11

You could've stopped at still married, that'd be enough . Of course it's strange. You sound quite involved already.
Listen to your gut. My advice run for the hills.

MagentaRocks · 09/12/2020 16:11

I’m not one to automatically say they are married but it doesn’t sound like he is separated. Not able to contact you evenings and weekends is classic as that is family time.

ravenmum · 09/12/2020 16:12

Even if he is telling the truth, he has no time for a relationship. I'd be looking for someone who had a more believable story and more time.

Justa47 · 09/12/2020 16:12

Ask to speak to the wife to check it’s over
That will sort it!

Yankeescot · 09/12/2020 16:14

Run a mile darlin! When he sorts everything out he can contact you. His situation sounds dodgy and I would personally have a hard time believing him.

Threelionsandalioness · 09/12/2020 16:17

Go with your gut instinct always x

GreenestValley · 09/12/2020 16:18

So have you met him in person ever or not?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 16:18

This man has a bridge to sell you, op. Separated my arse. He is cheating and he is not leaving his family. I'm sure them being "separated" would come as a huge shock to his wife.

seensome · 09/12/2020 16:26

He's not in the best circumstances for starting a new relationship plus he hasn't got the time and he keeps changing it! No time at all at the weekends. I wouldn't bother with him while he's still in the family home and with such little time for you.

MattBerrysHair · 09/12/2020 16:38

He's probably still very much married.

If he is actually telling the truth his life is far too complicated for dating right now. He's being very selfish as he clearly can't commit time or energy to prospective partners, which is a huge waste of time for you.

Tell him to get back in touch when things are more straight forward for him and carry on dating other men.

category12 · 09/12/2020 16:41

I suspect his wife doesn't actually know they're "separated".

This fish stinks, OP, chuck him back.

Glitterb · 09/12/2020 16:42

It sounds like you deserve better OP.

The situation sounds messy, do you really want to be involved in it? Online dating can be a nightmare however there are better men out there!

notquitealonealone · 09/12/2020 16:45

So he is only really in contact during week day working hours and after 10pm?
My bet is he is not seperated at all. So he can't message when home spending time with the wife and kids (evenings/weekends) and perhaps his wife goes to bed around 10pm usually.
I'd be very very suspicious about this one

firecracker69 · 09/12/2020 16:54

I've been in this very situation. He mislead me, telling me he was separated initially. It transpired, he as still living with her and waiting to move into his own place. This is when I should have run for the hills. He insisted he was over her etc. I told him he needed time to get used to being single, having his own space/ freedom and grieve for the family unit. I stupidly ignored my gut instinct which screamed at me to let him go. This is my biggest regret, by far!

My boundaries were blurred because of a too recent heartbreak. We started dating but around his family life. At the time, it suited me because I loved my own space. He love bombed me and I fell for him, hook, line and sinker.

Then he moved out after a few months. Very quickly, everything I predicted would happen then unravelled before me: he needed space, he pushed me away, he wanted to have fun with his mates, unable to commit, unable to offer me a relationship, hot and cold.

My gut instinct was correct. He needed time to grieve for the end of his relationship and have time alone to heal. He turned out to be a serial cheat and a master of emotional manipulation. How I wish I'd listened to my gut instinct. I'm still paying the price.

Under normal circumstances, there's no way I'd date any man who was still married - separated or not. They need a break before moving on to the next relationship. Unless you're after a casual fling?He knew I'd been recently heartbroken and used my vulnerability to reel me in. I hope you make the right choice.

Bunnymumy · 09/12/2020 16:54

Lol. Aye right.
He is obviously still with the wife.

But it is easy enough to verify one way or the other. You just go: 'So I'm sure you can understand that due to your living circumstances, I need to confirm that you are indeed separated before this goes any further. When would be appropriate for our date and I will pick you up after having a quick word with your ex to confirm you two are split. She can just pop out to the car, I don't want to impose'.

Alternatively, find her on fb and drop her a message.

Tbh though I'd write him off without even bothering. Even if they are split, he shouldnt be dating until he has moved out. Its cheeky.

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2020 16:55

It sounds like he's still married and looking for an affair

Original poster

CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 17:02

Thankyou for your thoughts.
No, not met yet. I forgot there was another time but he had to take the rabbit to the vet.
Surprising, he has just messaged saying he isn't cooking tonight so able to message. I know how busy things can be but I always find time to respond to a message.
I did ask once, about the weekend didn't want to come accross like I was taking his time away from his children. I just thought it was odd how he pre warns me and considering his children are teens, I wondered why so much of his time was taken up. Not that it mattered. It just felt odd. I did start to think, how will he ever date. So I asked him. He told me last weekend that he took the phones off them all weekend as that's all they want to do. So he couldn't then sit there with his. He said 'my kids come first'. He then said when I have my own place, it will be easier. If you are prepared to wait. He went on how much he hopes I will. To also please understand his circumstances.
Yes, I think I should trust myself here. Also, yes, do I want to be caught up in this?!
If he was married (not seperated), would he be on a dating site with photos?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 17:04

If he was married (not seperated), would he be on a dating site with photos?

Yes, countless married men are.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2020 17:05

God I feel tired just reading about it! You haven't even met yet, can you really be arsed to carry this on when it's already such a ballache?!

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2020 17:06

Even if he is separating from his wife, it's a really messy situation. Find someone who's actually single op, why make life difficult for yourself?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2020 17:07

He then said when I have my own place, it will be easier. If you are prepared to wait.

Hahahahaha you lucky girl! If you get a place, he'll be happy to come round and have you cook for him and give him a shag.

Until then, put up and shut up... it's a very easy "no thanks", surely?!

Oh to have the confidence of a mediocre man. The entitlement of this one!

UseOfWeapons · 09/12/2020 17:07

Run away, run away!
Sounds like a cocklodger in waiting to me. You deserve better, not this amount of hard work. I think you need to stop making excuses for him, and vote with your feet....and your gut, it’s spot on, don’t ignore it.
Good luck, OP xx

Original poster

CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 17:09

54firecracker69 cross posted! Oh I'm so sorry, how awful. Reading your story, confirms I need to be a bit strong here. Thankyou for sharing.
54Bunnymumy oh gosh! I couldn't possibly but good thinking. I would like to know what he would say to that. He says his wife works until 9 and where would we go anyway. I asked him today if we could meet on an evening.

OP posts:

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