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Original poster

What are your thoughts on this guy?!

75 replies

CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 16:06

Online dating is quite difficult (in my opinion) at the best of times. Life as it is, with all the restrictions, makes it more so.
However, I continued to do so. Started chatting to a guy, got on well via messages, exchanged numbers. Unable to meet, however, it was something we talked about when we could. It turns out, he is still married and they're still living together with their 3 children. Split last September and when he finally found a place (around March time), he was unable to move out due to the current situation. I completely understand everyone has a story and reasons for having to stay in the same property. Seperation is difficult for everyone. I'm not sure if I'm imagining it (because of the situation) but something feels strange. He messages alot in the day time (he works from home). He says his wife works in the evening and is still building a career so she is able to stay in the home when he leaves. He says he can't afford both sets of rent (one mortgage). So moving out has been put on hold although it's still the plan. He does the school run and never contacts me until 10pm. I know how busy life is with children. He pre warms me that the weekend is busy (with children) so won't really have time to be in contact. The more I have been chatting to him, the more I think, how is this guy going to date. I know that's difficult too, when you have children, but I have been single a long time and in a position to date but understand our children come first. I also understand it's difficult to find childcare and would expect someone to understand my circumstances so I'm trying to understand his. Am I feeling like something is off because it's just so difficult to date at the moment. Life is so restricted.
He has mentioned meeting twice (in between his meetings. I couldn't the first time as I had an appointment. I asked to meet a little later he said he had to do the school run. Anyway, he has mentioned Friday. First it was 10am then changed to 12. I am not sure if tgere is potential here due to his circumstances (which I know he can't help).

OP posts:
Original poster
CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 17:11

05youvegottenminuteslynn nobody is forcing you to read. However, thankyou for your comments. That's why I posted because most people are pleasant on here, whatever your situation/question/concern.
Appreciate the support everyone.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2020 17:11

@CakesRus3

05youvegottenminuteslynn nobody is forcing you to read. However, thankyou for your comments. That's why I posted because most people are pleasant on here, whatever your situation/question/concern. Appreciate the support everyone.
Sorry my tone must have come across wrong, I was laughing at how cheeky he is! Not at you! Thanks
Original poster
CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 17:14

11youvegottenminuteslynn no problem, appreciate your comments, thankyou SmileFlowers

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2020 17:15

@CakesRus3

11youvegottenminuteslynn no problem, appreciate your comments, thankyou SmileFlowers
I feel awful now I read back and can see it sounded like I was having a go at you, sorry. He sounds like an insufferably difficult man - definitely best to cut it off now before you waste more time on him Thanks
nolovelost · 09/12/2020 17:17

Yes they are, I've just discovered one recently. Even if they have separated, it would be a bad idea for him to date so soon. He's not even lived as single yet!

Original poster
CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 17:19

15youvegottenminuteslynn oh please don't, it's ok Smile

OP posts:
Riv12345 · 09/12/2020 17:28

As pp said always go with your gut

Seems abit strange how he dnt text much at the weekend.
Surely if his marriage is over he would be messaging you whenever.
I get the children comes first 100%, but just some don't seem right.

I would tread very carefully
But always go with your gut op.

Personally I would find someone else to chat too
All the best.

firecracker69 · 09/12/2020 17:33

He's setting his stall out now, telling you exactly what you can expect from him.... the bare minimum AND, it's all on his terms. With the dangling carrot..... "it'll be different when I move out.... if you can wait." Jesus, he hasn't t even met you yet. He's basically saying if you accept the breadcrumbs now, you'll get a reward for being a good, patient girl.

In reality, he's likely to still be fishing around for further attention online. Once they get a taste... they become greedy.

I also despise it when they throw out the kids card "my kids are my priority" as if we don't know that, we have them too! It's just emotionally manipulation.... he's basically saying, I have kids, therefore I can get away with whatever I like.

I love how he can text you tonight because he's not cooking..... hahaha... how ridiculous. Unless his culinary skills are exceptionally shite, I doubt very much it takes the entire evening to cook. Maybe you should make yourself busy? "Sorry, I AM cooking, so I can't text!"

He does sound slightly entitled, to say the least. He is clearly trying to take control!

Mermaidwaves · 09/12/2020 17:34

I had a thread about a guy like recently OP, still living with the ex for childcare reasons supposedly and no finances to live seperately. I didn't end up meeting him as I could see what a stupid sutuation it was, still tangled up in family life but wanting an illicit shag on the side. I do also wonder about the poor wives here, do they know they're 'separated'?

Original poster
CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 17:34

Yes, I agree with children come first, every time. It's been a number of things that just feel off. I was just going with it. However, now it just feels so strange.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 17:38

Yes, thankyou. Your thoughts/comments are helping me see a little more clearly. Glad I posted Smile

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 09/12/2020 17:42

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He then said when I have my own place, it will be easier. If you are prepared to wait.

Hahahahaha you lucky girl! If you get a place, he'll be happy to come round and have you cook for him and give him a shag.

Until then, put up and shut up... it's a very easy "no thanks", surely?!

Oh to have the confidence of a mediocre man. The entitlement of this one!

Plus he's most likely not separated at all! your place would be ideal for him to have a shag or two on the side!

Find his wife and see if she knows she's separated.......

Better still - drop the twat.

HollowTalk · 09/12/2020 17:55

Taking the rabbit to the vet? Well, that's a new excuse. Wouldn't he say, "I have to take the rabbit to the vet but once that's over, I'm free?"

It does sound as though he's married. Has he suggested just coming round to yours rather than going out?

seensome · 09/12/2020 18:00

His kids are teens, I doubt he spends every waking moment with them like you would with younger children and with another parent at home he should be able to have a few hours free to meet, if they are late teens then no excuse at all.
Having last minute cancellations, no phones in house are excuses, I agree with others, he doesn't sound separated.

Any single person with good intentions wanting to get a date finds a time to be able to message prime time when people are normally available such as evenings and weekends.

isthismylifenow · 09/12/2020 18:06

Walk away OP. He may be separated or he may not be. The important thing here is that he hasn't started to move on from (if there is) a relationship breakdown. I mean how can you really when you still live at at marital home. And you don't want to be dating anyone until they have been separated for at least 18 months to 2. years.

Original poster
CakesRus3 · 09/12/2020 18:15

Apparently, he had to tube feed the rabbit every 2 hours. Then it was too late as he does the school run.
He's has joked about coming over, as a few times I have been home and him working from home. I mentioned meeting on lunch break, he didn't have the car (they share it).
The more I write, the more odd it appears. It just seems natural and the truth at the time. Obviously something is feeling off for me to post here though. Appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
CosyQueen · 09/12/2020 18:22

Sounds like your his bit on the side while he is still shagging his wife...

MitziK · 09/12/2020 18:36

Bin him off.

He's still married. His wife doesn't have a clue that they're separated.

The 'my kids come first' and 'it'll be easier when you have your own place' is a version of 'don't ask questions when I have to do the family things so she doesn't suspect what I'm up to - I'll be round when I can spin her a big enough yarn to get laid without it costing me dinner and a hotel'.

The only texting after 10pm is 'I can only text once she's in bed/I'm in the bath'. The utter bollocks about no phone at the weekend is 'We're doing family things and I don't want her to notice I'm messaging another woman'.

The dating profile stuff, though - that's cold and absolutely par for the course. My solicitor did a quick search of my ex online during a court case. She found the very first result was his new dating profile, complete with a photo of him that his partner had taken when they were going to a party a couple of months before - their engagement party.

TheBlueStocking · 09/12/2020 18:39

He's definitely, definitely still very much married.

TheBlueStocking · 09/12/2020 18:39

Sorry, OP.

Dozer · 09/12/2020 18:39

Avoid contact with anyone still living with an ex!

Skibideebapbapbap · 09/12/2020 19:51

Not rtft or even the whole post but I moved out during lockdown so him saying he couldn't move out due to lockdown is definitely a lie.

firecracker69 · 09/12/2020 20:00

I agree on the house move. My daughter has sold her house, bought a new build and moved into it. This all happened during lockdown. My mate recently split with her partner. He managed to rent a flat within weeks. Where there's a will there's a way!

Fudgsicles · 09/12/2020 20:01

He has kids
Sick rabbit
School run
Didn't have the car
Can't use phone at weekend as bad example to teens....
Etc etc

He is full of (crap) excuses.

FWIW, exH and I did have to live together for a while after splitting and had COVID happened a year earlier, this could have been us! Except we really had split and I wish he had gone out more as he was always in. I told him to carry on and date if he wanted.

This one doesn't sound free at all OP. His excuses and constant and lame. No teens spend all weekend, every weekend hanging out with their dad. I bet he barely sees them! You don't need to be busy with teens, theyre pretty self sufficient unless it's a lift to a club or something, but that's no excuse to not message you.

WednesdayAllTheWay · 09/12/2020 20:04

@Aprilx

My thoughts are that he is married with no intention of separation and looking for something on the side. If he is being truthful about the separation, it is still not a situation I would want to get involved.
My thoughts exactly.