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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stealthing. I have to end it now dont I??

76 replies

Adventblagger · 08/12/2020 18:40

I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks, we are both single (obviously) so decided we could 'bubble' together and go about it that way so we could see eachother.
(Before the covid police come along and ask how this happened..)
So like I said, few weeks have passed and we get on really well, he seemed really nice, we planned to have sex today. And did.
I'm on birth control but wanted to use condoms, i didnt tell him this as I didnt think it needed a discussion.
You go to have sex with someone, they pull out/ask for condoms, they get used, right??

Anyway, we got down to it, I put a condom in him and nothing was said, was all normal. I noticed half way through that the condom was gone, I asked him where and he said "it must have fell off" now heres the stupid part, we carried on after that. I guess i just thought that as we'd been doing it for X amount of without one we might as well, I was enjoying myself and didn't really think much of it as I just believed it had fallen off and as I said, I'm on birth control anyway.

It wasnt until afterwards that the condom was found. On the floor, at the side of the bed where he was lying, sitting on top of the empty packet. Theres no way it could have "fell off" and landed there like that, it would have been on the bed surely?? So, he took it off himself. Knowing I wanted to use it.

I'm really torn about it. I like him, my head is telling me is isnt so bad and that maybe it didnt feel good to him, and another part is saying it was disrespectful and maybe says alot about his character?

I know I shouldn't have just carried on and that doesn't look good on my part, but we were in the throws of it all and I believed it had just "fallen off" like he said.
I also know this doesn't amount to rape as he didnt consent TO wear a condom. I just sort of put it on without asking.

I havent spoken to him yet but will later and I feel like I should call it a day with him, but I don't know if I'm making a bigger deal out if it than it should be?
What should I do I feel really weird about it.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/12/2020 18:45

Unprotected sex is something you should choose, not have fake accidents about. He lied so he's gotta go.

category12 · 08/12/2020 18:45

And you need to get a STI test.

Adventblagger · 08/12/2020 18:47

Yes I know I need an sti test. And yes to the lying, its painted him in a whole new (not good) light.

OP posts:
ChablisandCrisps · 08/12/2020 18:48

Whoa, this is a massive abuse of trust and absolutely not ok! He has to go Angry

Bunnymumy · 08/12/2020 18:53

What the actual fuck. He doesn't need to consent to wear a condom. If he doesn't want to wear it - he just doesn't have sex with you. I know it's horrible to think op but this absolutely does count as a sexual assault.

You put it on so it was obvious it was a non negotiable for you.

He is vile and quite frankly, dangerous.

Evangelinedream · 08/12/2020 18:54

While on the face of it I think it’d be an easy one to brush off, I really do think this is very telling of a part of his character that is very unsavoury. I’m not going to debate whether it was rape because I don’t think either answer would help you, but I think this would have to be a dealbreaker.

He knew that you wanted to use it because you put it on. He has actively chosen not to say “I don’t want to use that”, because he knew that would stop the sex. He purposefully said nothing and took it off so he could get what he wanted with no respect for you or your body.

Sorry OP - I vote LTB Flowers

Adventblagger · 08/12/2020 18:54

Yes he does. It's a shame I thought he was really nice Sad
I'm not sure how to go about it/word it to him.
I'll have to come up with something as he'll no doubt message me later and I dont want to act like I'm ok when I'm not. Confused

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 08/12/2020 18:56

Obviously you bin him off. He stuck his unprotected penis inside your body without your consent, deliberately. He could have given you any disease or got you pregnant if the pill failed and most importantly he thinks your consent doesn't matter.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/12/2020 18:57

@Adventblagger

Yes he does. It's a shame I thought he was really nice Sad I'm not sure how to go about it/word it to him. I'll have to come up with something as he'll no doubt message me later and I dont want to act like I'm ok when I'm not. Confused
"I have decided that I don't want to see you again. I realised that you took the condom off deliberately without asking which is a betrayal of trust and I am not interested in continuing anything with you."
Coffeeeeandcake · 08/12/2020 18:57

Gosh, this is incredibly serious. I would have an STI test immediately.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 18:57

I'm not sure how to go about it/word it to him.

"I know you deliberately took off the condom. Fuck off and never contact me again."

That's ALL that needs to be said. He is a horrible, disgusting person. Get yourself tested, op.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/12/2020 19:00

Spoilers for I May Destroy You, but this issue is dealt with clearly in that show:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/amp9881458/stealthing-interview-highlights-consent-issues/

It’s a form of sexual assault. Bin him.

MrsGrindah · 08/12/2020 19:01

By the way I cannot imagine how a condom can fall off unless he had a dick like a pencil

YoureNotOnTheList · 08/12/2020 19:03

What he did to you is sexual assault.

Adventblagger · 08/12/2020 19:04

Thanks for the replies.
I'll say something along those lines to him.

I'm working on building better boundaries , it's not my strong point so part of my head is telling me it's not a big deal and do I want to throw "its all" (pfft like 4 weeks 🙄🤣) away over that. But this other part is niggling away telling me it's wrong and that he should fuck off. I think I'll go with the latter. I have to.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 19:14

Yes, you do have to get rid of him. He simply can't be trusted. What he did was reprehensible.

Blahblahblahzz · 08/12/2020 19:24

Probably a good idea to have a discussion about contraception before you start having sex for clarity’s sake?

Suzi888 · 08/12/2020 19:27

Didn’t you have a conversation about contraception beforehand? ConfusedHave you asked him why he took it off?

Adventblagger · 08/12/2020 19:29

Yeah seems so.
I just didnt think it needed discussed. I got a condom out, put it on, he lets me. I assume its staying on. Not sneakily taken off half way through because he didnt like/want it. If that was the case, he should have said so as soon as I got it out.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 08/12/2020 19:29

I wonder, if he even asked if you were on contraception before taking the condom off. I mean it's bad enough as is but could you imagine the stress of fear if pregnancy and the fact that he wouldn't even care that he was putting you through that!

Adventblagger · 08/12/2020 19:31

@Suzi888
He said it fell off, hes denying taking it off.
I hope this isnt going to become a pile on I really dont need that right now.

OP posts:
Pinkroses87 · 08/12/2020 19:31

Urgh, no no no. That’s serious sexual assault. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Adventblagger · 08/12/2020 19:31

No bunny he didnt which makes it even weirder.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 19:31

To me, and only to me, so I am not expecting anyone to agree, but to remove the condom during sex is sly and is a form of rape - sexual assault at best.

Bunnymumy · 08/12/2020 19:32

Not weirder, fucking terrifying.