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Original poster

Stealthing. I have to end it now dont I??

76 replies

Adventblagger · 08/12/2020 18:40

I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks, we are both single (obviously) so decided we could 'bubble' together and go about it that way so we could see eachother.
(Before the covid police come along and ask how this happened..)
So like I said, few weeks have passed and we get on really well, he seemed really nice, we planned to have sex today. And did.
I'm on birth control but wanted to use condoms, i didnt tell him this as I didnt think it needed a discussion.
You go to have sex with someone, they pull out/ask for condoms, they get used, right??

Anyway, we got down to it, I put a condom in him and nothing was said, was all normal. I noticed half way through that the condom was gone, I asked him where and he said "it must have fell off" now heres the stupid part, we carried on after that. I guess i just thought that as we'd been doing it for X amount of without one we might as well, I was enjoying myself and didn't really think much of it as I just believed it had fallen off and as I said, I'm on birth control anyway.

It wasnt until afterwards that the condom was found. On the floor, at the side of the bed where he was lying, sitting on top of the empty packet. Theres no way it could have "fell off" and landed there like that, it would have been on the bed surely?? So, he took it off himself. Knowing I wanted to use it.

I'm really torn about it. I like him, my head is telling me is isnt so bad and that maybe it didnt feel good to him, and another part is saying it was disrespectful and maybe says alot about his character?

I know I shouldn't have just carried on and that doesn't look good on my part, but we were in the throws of it all and I believed it had just "fallen off" like he said.
I also know this doesn't amount to rape as he didnt consent TO wear a condom. I just sort of put it on without asking.

I havent spoken to him yet but will later and I feel like I should call it a day with him, but I don't know if I'm making a bigger deal out if it than it should be?
What should I do I feel really weird about it.

OP posts:

QuentinWinters · 08/12/2020 20:34

A, you made assumptions about him wearing a condom by putting it on for him without discussion
What the heck? He didn't ask about contraception and he didn't say he didn't want to use a condom. He could've said "i don't like condoms- are you using other contraception? Is it ok to carry on?" Or just not had penetrative sex but done other things instead.
The only reason this happened is because HE would rather lie and have unprotected sex because HE prefers it. Its disgusting

Opentooffers · 08/12/2020 20:40

Reminds me of my latest fella who is not a fan of condoms. " We are not doing anything without a condom", I said , in his car, outside the restaurant( he's told me since that he was just made up that I was up for it at all). Then we drove to his.
So, I get it out, we dtd, bit awkward though as only half fit! Condoms sizes seem to have gone a lot smaller over the years! Managed to stay on despite being 2/3 on really. So I had to get XL after, but really, he's just average in my book. I'll have to take different size options in future just in case . That's if I need to , still seeing each other

Clymene · 08/12/2020 20:41

@AlternativePerspective

Definitely bin him.

But IMO people really should have a conversation about contraception before having sex, not least because if you confront him now he may well say that A, you made assumptions about him wearing a condom by putting it on for him without discussion, and B, that you carried on even after you knew that the condom had gone so you therefore maybe aren’t that bothered about it (according to him.) and that can only serve to make you feel worse than you already do.

You shouldn't have PIV sex outside a committeD relationship where you have both had STD checks without a condom. This is sexual health 101

dollyknocker · 08/12/2020 20:42

This is genuinely terrifying. You need to end it and you need to tell him why. He needs to be told that this is not ok. No way, never, under no circumstances. Tell him, block him, move on and be proud that your boundaries are strong enough to have known this isn't ok. Be kind to yourself x

CrazyToast · 08/12/2020 21:32

OP this is terrible! It doesn't matter what he might say to try and twist things. You put the condom on him and he didn't say no, he knew what that meant.

He took it off and lied about it. He put you at risk for his own selfish pleasure then lied about it. Imagine if you hadn't noticed-- you could have an STI and not know and suffer the effects of that! That is what matters.

Gigheimer · 08/12/2020 23:26

must be an awful person, but I'd be tempted to scare him by saying "I have herpes - fairly dormant at the moment, but not 100% - recommend you get tested and don't have have unprotected sex with anyone else for at least 6 weeks, as the virus can lay low for a while. Keep an eye on your penis for colour change and itchiness.

Fuck off Diana yes you are a horrible person. I have herpes given to me by my rapist actually. Alongside about 89% of the population either orally or gentially.

It is a minor skin irritation that mainly lays dormant, you probably have it and don’t know. But shit like this makes the stigma far worse than ever having a cold sore. Plus you can’t test for it in an STI test, which is why so many people have it.

RollneckJumper · 08/12/2020 23:47

Stealthing is rape. End of!

When you consent to sex with a condom, that is exactly what you are consenting to.

Once the condom is removed, your consent is removed. Therefore, he had unconsential sex with you = rape!

I am shocked at the amount of women who do know know that stealthing is rape.

I have been sexually active for 20 years. Only once has a condom "fallen off" during sex.. however, it didn't exactly 'fall off'. It came off whilst he was inside me and I had to retrieve it when we realised what had happened.

You need to get him out of your life! He has zero respect for you.

GammyLeg · 09/12/2020 00:04

How awful, I hope you're okay.

IdblowJonSnow · 09/12/2020 00:09

Sod off @Suzi888

If you put a condom on someone it's pretty obvious you expect it to stay on.

Perhaps he could have had a conversation with the OP if he was hoping to take it off?

FakeFakeNews · 09/12/2020 00:44

@IdblowJonSnow

Sod off *@Suzi888*

If you put a condom on someone it's pretty obvious you expect it to stay on.

Perhaps he could have had a conversation with the OP if he was hoping to take it off?

I think you've told the wrong person to sod off. it's another poster going on about conversations.

I'd run for the hills from this man OP.

yaboo · 09/12/2020 01:38

Bin that scumster.

user1481840227 · 09/12/2020 02:06

I also know this doesn't amount to rape as he didnt consent TO wear a condom. I just sort of put it on without asking.

He did consent to wearing the condom. He let you put it on. He did not say a word about it. He then proceeded to have sex with you while wearing the condom.
Please don't make a case condoning his despicable behaviour.

He's a bad guy. Get rid of him.

Suzi888 · 09/12/2020 04:05

@IdblowJonSnow breaking talk guidelines and I think you have the wrong person!

PirateCatQueen · 09/12/2020 04:15

Run. Do not engage with him again.

AgentJohnson · 09/12/2020 05:54

He lied and endangered your sexual health. This is the type of person he is, the nice guy act was just that, an act. Of course he has to go!

Text him that you have no interest in someone who would lie to endanger your sexual health. DO NOT MEET HIM! He deserves no more than a short straight to the point text.

Trying to find the shades of grey in his shitty behaviour, trying to break it off gently and your general lack of care for your own sexual health is very worrisome.

puttergal · 09/12/2020 06:06

I wouldn't want to have sex or be in any like of relationship to someone who would do that to me.
It's sexual assault.
Run for the hills.

OhTheTastyNuts · 09/12/2020 06:56

DH and I have been using condoms for contraception since our eldest was born. He's about to turn 11. Never once has a condom mysteriously fallen off during sex!

Please don't waste any more of your time with this man.

IdblowJonSnow · 09/12/2020 09:19

@Suzi888

No, I didn't get the wrong person thank you. My comment was based on yours, as below:

"Didn’t you have a conversation about contraception beforehand? confusedHave you asked him why he took it off?"

I really don't want to derail the thread but I wanted to clarify that the onus is not on the OP to ensure that this 'man' kept the condom on during sex when she put it on at the start.

YoniAndGuy · 09/12/2020 10:05

@Adventblagger

No bunny he didnt which makes it even weirder.

No, it doesn't make it 'weirder' - it's just further confirmation that this guy gives not one shit about your health or wellbeing, and that's all in tune with what he did.

You urgently need an STI test.

The message doesn't matter - just block this guy. Really bad news.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 09/12/2020 13:17

The word "no" works both ways. He could have said no to the condom, but he didn't because that would have meant no sex. He allowed you to put it on, he could have stopped you and done something that does not risk pregnancy and other assorted consequences. But he took it off without telling you.

I think my response to him saying it fell off would have been "oh, didn't realise that I should have bought small ones." I would absolutely tell him why you are not going to see him any more, though.

bibliomania · 09/12/2020 13:28

I think it's positive that your gut realises that this is wrong. Don't second-guess yourself. He's not one of the good ones.

bibliomania · 09/12/2020 13:30

And don't let him talk you round. You can tell him why, but it's not a dialogue where he gets to persuade you. He'll blame you/guilt-trip you. Don't put yourself through it.

NewYearHere20 · 09/12/2020 13:49

To be fair the Op has confirmed she continued to have sex even after she realised the condom was off - so I think accusations about rape are a bit harsh here. At some point - the OP did consent to no condom because she continued with that knowledge. I'm not judging you here BTW OP - we've all got carried away in the moment. I don't think you've done anything wrong.
I do agree though that what this guy did was wrong - but it underpins the importance of discussing these things BEFORE we start having sex with someone. Make sure both parties are aware what's expected, in this case it should of actually been discussed that a condom was required.
His actions have shown you his lack of respect for your wishes though so I agree you should probably end things with him - and tell him why.

LilyLongJohn · 09/12/2020 16:31

Tell him he needs to go to the gp, the reason you asked him to use a condom is because you've got X sexually transmitted infection. That should stop the idiot in his tracks.

Op this is not ok.

Joinedjustforthispost · 09/12/2020 16:37

Op I’m sorry this happened this man clearly has no respect or feelings to do this to you, please do not trust him he will do it again

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