Sad about sex problem

[givinguponsex]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

My OH and I have been together 14 years. We used to have a good sex life. I can't quite remember when things changed.

My problem is he basically just seems to want oral sex. He doesn't seem interested in me. He does initiate PIV too slightly less often and always the next days after his oral (see working away) but it's unimaginative and I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, he does seem to enjoy it, but it feels to me like he's just doing it as it's an expected part of a relationship.

He works away for a couple of weeks at a time and literally all he talks about in a relationship kind of way is how much he's looking forward to a blow job . He never says I miss you, I want to hug, I miss your body, I want to do anything to you. Never. It's just focussed on the blow job.

I've tried talking about it. I'm sick of talking about it. He just maintains I'm overthinking it and he does want me blah blah blah. I don't know if I believe it.

I'm beginning to get resentful.

What do I do. I don't think I can leave over that, he does show me he loves me in small other ways, but I have needs too and need more. I'm nearing mid 30s and feel like if I stay I'll always just be feeling rejected. I feel like an ogre. He denies anything is wrong and says I'm just making stuff up..

Does he.. uh hum.. return the favour? Or is it always all about him just getting a blow job?

What other small ways does he show you he loves you, OP? I'm just wondering how much else is in the "positives" column.

Stop doing it

No he stopped 'returning the favour' a couple of years ago. He says he wants to, but funnily enough never does it. I'm pretty sure I don't smell.

As for ways he shows me he loves me.. he cooks me dinner, he asks about my day and life, he takes an interest in my DD (older teen now) and although I know he loves our DS together more, he makes effort to make no difference and always has and supports them the same. He involves me in most things, like he even tried to get me to start golf with him, I'm never left out, he calls me often when away to the point I'm like stop calling, and always answers if I call. I don't 100% trust anyone but he's never given me any reason to doubt he's faithful.

Stop doing it

Yes, I'd agree with @Audreyseyebrows and @Aerial2020. Stop. At least for a while. You're not there to service him, doesn't matter how many times he answers the phone. This needs to be nipped in the bud now or your resentment will grow, I've been there

Just say you want to either do other stuff or/and take a break from blow jobs.

His desire is being named and met. Your desire is equally important. And is currently being ignored.

I don't understand why so many women are willing to put up with selfish sex. If he cared about you OP he would understand that sex is not just about him and that you deserve to enjoy it just as much as he does. Honestly, do you think he'd be ok with you telling him you wanted to give him blowjobs but never actually doing it? How selfish does a spouse have to be to only care about their own orgasm and not give a thought to their partners?

You are so young to be in a sexually unfulfilling marriage OP. Please choose yourself. A man who loved you would want you to orgasm and would not gaslight you into thinking that the problem is you and not him.

His desire is being named and met. Your desire is equally important. And is currently being ignored.
I really wanted to highlight this by PP - so important.

He doesn't return the favour and he rarely instigates PIV sex.

You are literally just servicing him.

This needs to stop. The longer you allow it to continue, the longer he will think it's ok and that you're ok with it.

Next time he asks for a BJ, tell him you'll give him one in return AFTER he has gone down on you!

Im quite repulsed by the sound of him. I think you to think about what your boundaries are. Could you do the Freedom Programme online? That might help you develop better ideas about mutuality, reciprocity and self respect. And as a rule of thumb, sex should reciprocal, you give oral, he gives oral, you both have orgasms. Refuse to participate otherwise. Good sex isn't everything in a relationship, but bad sex can destroy everything else and is often representative of other selfish behaviours that aren't as obvious.

I'm sorry that is grim and you are basically just servicing his needs.

Definitely put a stop to doing it.

I would stop having sex with him. I wouldn't want anyone to have sex with me, or give me pleasure because they felt they had to, that would completely put me off.

I would tell him what you have said here and discuss what you can do to bring intimacy and mutual pleasure back.

This dynamic just sounds like assisted masturbation.

What ever happened to basic communication skills? Ask him why he isn’t taking care of business. Tell him what you want and find a middle ground you can both enjoy.

Cant you say to him, "im not giving you a blow job as you never return the favour". Speak up. Noones a mind reader and he sounds sexually lazy. Make him up his game

You've carried on for 2 years without it being reciprocated? Geez, I think I'd of stopped after a few weeks of non-reciprocation.
New rule, no BJ until he's made you orgasm, otherwise, bin him off

So it’s just one way? That’s really not great, is it.

His attitude would make me feel worthless. Stupid question, but is he trying to avoid you getting pregnant?

Maybe I made it sound worse than it is.

He does initiate sex, like PIV sex.

Just not as often as oral, and when we are apart often for his work for weeks on end, he never talks about PIV sex or how he can't wait to see me, feel me, have sex with me. It's all just I can't wait for a blow job etc etc.

Makes me feel as if he doesn't really fancy me or enjoy anything else with me much and maybe he just initiates sex as he knows it would be outrageous to only ask for oral.

Iyswim??

Whats Piv sex ?

Does he make sure that you have an orgasm at all? I suspect not, therefore you need to stop servicing him until he can treat you with more respect when it comes to sex. You really are too young to be putting up with such a shit sex life. He sounds grim tbh.

Penis in Vagina Raidblunner

Do you orgasm from just PIV? Either way, he sounds awful. If he loves oral so much that he's always asking for it then why would he think it ok to deprive you of that same pleasure?

Just a small point - but the join me in something I enjoy (golf) is a little analogous to the BJ situation. IE all about him. I think you need to reinforce how much this bothers you. A lot.