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Original poster

Sad about sex problem

51 replies

givinguponsex · 08/12/2020 13:43

Name changed for obvious reasons.

My OH and I have been together 14 years. We used to have a good sex life. I can't quite remember when things changed.

My problem is he basically just seems to want oral sex. He doesn't seem interested in me. He does initiate PIV too slightly less often and always the next days after his oral (see working away) but it's unimaginative and I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, he does seem to enjoy it, but it feels to me like he's just doing it as it's an expected part of a relationship.

He works away for a couple of weeks at a time and literally all he talks about in a relationship kind of way is how much he's looking forward to a blow job Hmm Hmm. He never says I miss you, I want to hug, I miss your body, I want to do anything to you. Never. It's just focussed on the blow job.

I've tried talking about it. I'm sick of talking about it. He just maintains I'm overthinking it and he does want me blah blah blah. I don't know if I believe it.

I'm beginning to get resentful.

What do I do. I don't think I can leave over that, he does show me he loves me in small other ways, but I have needs too and need more. I'm nearing mid 30s and feel like if I stay I'll always just be feeling rejected. I feel like an ogre. He denies anything is wrong and says I'm just making stuff up..

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 08/12/2020 19:46

Even with your update it sounds bad.
Please excusing him. Say no and see how he reacts

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 19:49

He's using you to service him OP

Opentooffers · 08/12/2020 19:58

" Do you know, it's been ages since I had oral, I do love it too, I've been thinking about it while you've been away, how about some?" Put the boot on the other foot.

Quartz2208 · 08/12/2020 20:35

Why cant you leave over it - you are unhappy by the sounds of it and are becoming resentful and he isnt doing anything abou tit

Respectabitch · 08/12/2020 20:50

So sex can literally just consist of you giving him oral sex, end of story? He doesn't even show any interest in getting you off? Do you get off when you have PIV?

Original poster
givinguponsex · 08/12/2020 23:32

Yes.

It's either me giving him oral (he asks) then we hug Hmm Hmm..

Or it's him initiating PIV sex by doing about a minute of foreplay, then we clean up and hug..

He never talks about the sex though, just the oral. He sometimes comments favourably about my body either out with sex or during, which I suppose is something.

I sometimes climax from PIV (with the friction on other areas though) without manual stimulation. I think he thinks that's enough. It's nowhere near every time though.

He just doesn't seem to have much enthusiasm for me anymore. Like he only touches me to get both of us 'ready', not for the fun or connection of it. If that makes sense?? It's so .. functional. He stopped oral, we don't kiss much and when we do it's sort of cause it's 'expected'.

The only thing he does do is kiss my breasts if I'm on top and naked.

He rarely removes any of my clothes unless necessary Hmm Hmm.

I don't know if we've just lost our connection / way , or he doesn't fancy me anymore.

Either way I need to get out of the mindset that it's me and that it means most men would be repulsed and not want me. It's really getting me down.

OP posts:
insiwinsi · 08/12/2020 23:33

I would leave a man like this.

Quartz2208 · 09/12/2020 06:53

How is the relationship outside of sex in terms of communication etc

I think it’s over op I think at some point the affection died and continuing it is destroying your self esteem

FippertyGibbett · 09/12/2020 06:56

Stop giving BJ’s. If doing it is making you whether situation, just stop.

FippertyGibbett · 09/12/2020 06:56

*question

Branleuse · 09/12/2020 07:26

Does he make you come?

Respectabitch · 09/12/2020 11:13

@givinguponsex

Yes.

It's either me giving him oral (he asks) then we hug Hmm Hmm..

Or it's him initiating PIV sex by doing about a minute of foreplay, then we clean up and hug..

He never talks about the sex though, just the oral. He sometimes comments favourably about my body either out with sex or during, which I suppose is something.

I sometimes climax from PIV (with the friction on other areas though) without manual stimulation. I think he thinks that's enough. It's nowhere near every time though.

He just doesn't seem to have much enthusiasm for me anymore. Like he only touches me to get both of us 'ready', not for the fun or connection of it. If that makes sense?? It's so .. functional. He stopped oral, we don't kiss much and when we do it's sort of cause it's 'expected'.

The only thing he does do is kiss my breasts if I'm on top and naked.

He rarely removes any of my clothes unless necessary Hmm Hmm.

I don't know if we've just lost our connection / way , or he doesn't fancy me anymore.

Either way I need to get out of the mindset that it's me and that it means most men would be repulsed and not want me. It's really getting me down.

Dear God but he's shit and selfish in bed. And that's usually not the only place someone is selfish. Is it? He's treating you like a sexbot. Oh, a hug, that makes everything worth it Hmm

I don't blame you for not liking this. No one would. And it is definitely not you.

I can't tell you what to do, you will have to weigh up what the cost of this is to you and all the other factors. But have you considered losing your shit at him, telling him how shit he's been in bed, how he should be wanting to get you off too? How unappreciated you feel, and that he needs to step his game up, big time, because this could be a deal-breaker for you?

ExclamationPerfume · 09/12/2020 11:27

I'd be buying him a blow up doll for Christmas. He sounds horrible and selfish.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/12/2020 11:33

He works away, I hate to say it but is this what he's used to maybe?
It sounds a bit happy ending, the sort of quick relief you would pay for
Without all the fuss.

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2020 12:36

He is treating you like a sex doll not a real person
Say no to all these blow jobs without reciprocation

How is he when you decline sex? Does he sulk?

Seashells09 · 09/12/2020 18:18

Tell him in a nice way that you have needs aswell. Maybe dress up in sexy lingerie to spice things up and see how he reacts.

Aerial2020 · 09/12/2020 18:19

@Seashells09

Tell him in a nice way that you have needs aswell. Maybe dress up in sexy lingerie to spice things up and see how he reacts.
Seriously???
Wearywithteens · 09/12/2020 18:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Babdoc · 09/12/2020 21:46

I suspect that Guiltypleasures001 may have nailed it. Working away, using prostitutes or dodgy massage parlours, has got used to selfish sex and being serviced by a paid woman where he doesn’t offer any pleasure in return, just money.
He possibly thinks blow jobs don’t count as full on cheating. And possibly now finds ordinary piv sex less enjoyable and more of an effort.
Maybe we’re both wrong and he’s just a lazy selfish arse, but I’d be wondering if I were you, OP.

sofato5miles · 10/12/2020 02:57

I would say you are scared of stating your needs because you are worried about his reaction and know that it could trigger the end of the relationship.

I would ask yourself why you are accepting him treating you like this. You are absolutely right that sex is a good barometer of a relationship and he is treating you without care or respect.

I would say be brave. Tell him that you do not enjoy your sex life. Voice your concerns and let him know that it is not acceptable. The alternative is having this as your life forever.

Take a step back, stand up for yourself and see your confusion for what it is; a fear of losing a relationship. This is not the relationship you really want.

thosetalesofunexpected · 10/12/2020 03:28

Hi Op
What is PIV mean?😕

Wearywithteens · 10/12/2020 08:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
givinguponsex · 10/12/2020 10:00

He's definitely not using sex workers. It would be pretty outing re his job to say how I 100% know this, but I 100% know it's not that.

Yes I think I am scared of stating my needs @sofato5miles you are right. If I ask him for something sexually, he will do it, I know that. It's just that he never does much for me off his own back. I think I'm scared of asking him for X y or z, if I enjoy it then I'll feel weird afterwards cause I know he is only doing it cause I asked. Then waiting for him to do it again, he doesn't , then I get hurt. I'm shutting off to protect my feelings I think. I know that's not good in the long run.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 10/12/2020 10:09

@givinguponsex then face this what for you suspect it is. This relationship isn't working for you. It is not something to be embarrassed about but you really are compromising and hurting yourself if you stay.

Shoxfordian · 10/12/2020 12:42

Presumably you're only giving him blow jobs because he asks though? Not because you really love it. He should want to please you sexually, he should be trying to learn how to make you cum every single time.

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