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Original poster

Circumstantial evidence of DP fooling around, or me being paranoid?

65 replies

Tamz77 · 21/10/2007 17:33

OK, will try to keep this brief. DP and I have been seeing each other since the beginning of June but lately I've had my suspicions he's messing about, however no actual proof. Would be grateful for opinions as to whether I'm just imagining things! Here's the 'evidence', such as it is.

  • I have never been invited to stay over at his house, and in fact have not visited his house since June

  • I do not have his home phone no, and when he calls me from home he always witholds his number

  • Sometimes he 'disappears' for a couple/few days at a time, and our only contact becomes cursory text messages

  • He is a self-employed computer person and apparently sometimes has to do 'all-nighters' where he's working pretty much 12 hrs straight, through the night...so he says! Do computer people really do this??

  • He has recently dropped into the conversation the fact he is 'still friendly' with one particular ex and that they are planning to go to a bunch of gigs together this autumn (me not invited)

  • I have never been introduced to his friends/flatmate

  • He has never told me he loves me (me neither, to be fair)

  • The other day he came round for a morning cuddle and just before we got down to things, asked if he could get a shower first (he's not a clean freak either, he often stays over and heads home again in the AM without showering)

  • He has told a couple of small lies before which I haven't pulled him up on; one was about recreational drug use which I don't mind at all, but when we met he said No Way to that...turns out he does like it after all.

  • We met online and apparently he still keeps dating sites on his computer favourites - he told me this kind of by-the-by and again I made no comment on it - is this a weird thing to do, when you've been seeing someone for nearly 5 months?!

  • We have only had 2 dates in all that time...don't laugh...I've put it down to the fact that he's always strapped for cash (well so am I but could do better than 2 dates, really) but maybe it's something else?

  • Generally speaking I'm aware I'm not a great catch, I'm an unemployed single mother, also I'm not cool like he is (and I mean he is really cool and really popular), actually I'm a bit of a dork, maybe he realises this but sticks around for the sex? (sex is quite good unless I'm kidding myself there too lol)

I'm fully aware that this is all a bit tatty and would not stand up in a court of law, but...what do you think? When we met I made a few comments about how his job was perfect for meeting lonely housewives/single mums (I'm the latter) and having lots of casual sex; maybe I've given him some ideas? He has also come over a few times now and told me about various women chatting him up, I've been very casual and unoffended by it, but maybe it's a clue...

Also he has no long term plans with me, speaks very definitely about how he never wants to get married (was engaged to a woman who left him, the mother of his child), has never mentioned 'the future' in any context apart from to say that he wants to move away/abroad...

Sorry this is so long but it's been killing me all weekend, I don't know how to react to him at the moment because my gut feeling says absolutely he is seeing/f*ing other people but on what grounds can I possibly put that to him...eg last night he said he couldn't see me cos he was staying at his mums...then ignored me when I texted him...then got in touch late this morning to say he was after some uppers for the day...I asked whether he'd been up all night and he said no, "just a quiet one"...so confusing! Why would he need uppers if he'd been asleep at his mum's since 10 pm???

Sorry again for the waffle!

OP posts:
Lulumama · 21/10/2007 17:36

sounds like a rubbish 'relationship'

you don;t trust him

he doesn;t want anything long term

you;ve only had 2 dates in 5 months

you don;t feel worthy of him

donl;t say anything, just bin him off ! you can do so much better

Blackduck · 21/10/2007 17:37

Read back what you have written - what do you think?
Sounds to me like you are just a casual f**k to him based on what you have written....

lilacclaire · 21/10/2007 17:37

Uuhm sorry sounds like he is sowing his wild oats.

Jojay · 21/10/2007 17:37

I have to say it doesn't sound good - it's that fact that you don't go to his house or even have his phone number htat bothers me the most.

Hardly an open and honest start to a relationship is it??

Ditch him

Saturn74 · 21/10/2007 17:38

"I do not have his home phone no, and when he calls me from home he always witholds his number"

Lulumama · 21/10/2007 17:39

he is probably shagging around ,and has a wife and kids at home

don;t be there for his convenience, find someone who can give you a proper relationship

loopylou6 · 21/10/2007 17:40

errr i wouldnt sday he is fooling around, i would say he is married

littleNonSpecificHolidaylapin · 21/10/2007 17:40

I don't know about him playing around, but he sounds like a shit boyfriend, to be honest. I know you think he's cool and popular (although computer geeks are never really cool, trust me I am one ) but he sounds like he's treating you pretty badly. You aren't really part of his life, are you - he comes round for sex. And the telling you about exes and other women chatting him up - what a twat.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you need to see that you ARE a great catch, the fact that you are a single mum does not mean that you have to put up with this shit. Unless you are happy with this very casual relationship, I would kick him into touch and find someone DECENT who will treat you properly.

Lauriefairycake · 21/10/2007 17:42

sounds like you are an oat.

If you don't want to be an oat find someone who can give you more.

If you think you love him (you don't say) then maybe have a think about why

I'm guessing you're worth rather a lot more.

themildmanneredaxemurderer · 21/10/2007 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wisteria · 21/10/2007 17:47

Get rid - not worth it.

Being single is more fun than what you've got now, sounds like you'll only really give up good sex as you're not getting anything else, except heartache.

What about the dangerous side of this? Do you always use condoms?

Original poster
Tamz77 · 21/10/2007 17:51

I am pretty sure he's not married. I went to his house a few times (back in June!) and have seen the set-up with his flatmate. However she is female and I've not met her. I've also met his son several times (he's 4, same as my DS) and think he would have given it away by now if there was a wife. I think a string of girlfriends is much more likely, other part-timers that he 'manages' in a similar way he does me. Ah to be able to afford a P.I.!

Thanks for responses

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 21/10/2007 17:52

His specific background (ie is he married etc) are almost secondary to the fact that you are letting him treat you appallingly.

It might be helpful to look at why you don't demand more of the men you have relationships with.

He doesn't sound like a great catch.

Saturn74 · 21/10/2007 17:53

Should read:

his specific background details..

Original poster
Tamz77 · 21/10/2007 17:54

Actually being single was no fun; before this guy I was 4 yrs without a boyfriend or even a date. I'm only 30.

If he was in anyway serious I'd fall in love with him in a minute; he's gorgeous and cuddly and funny and bright. But because he's so casual I've kind of fallen into line behind him IYKWIM, not let myself think about the L word.

OP posts:
MyTwopenceworth · 21/10/2007 17:56

Have you considered that the 'flatmate' that you haven't met, is in fact, a girlfriend?

littleNonSpecificHolidaylapin · 21/10/2007 17:56

"gorgeous and cuddly and funny and bright" and a SHIT.

Better to be single than pissed around, IMO (and I was single for 3 years once, similar age to you).

minorityrules · 21/10/2007 17:58

I would say (having been in your situation, almost exactly) that the flatmate, isn't a flatmate

The keeping home no secret is the clincher! If he had nothing to hide....he wouldn't hide it

Don't put yourself down so much, I' sure you have much more t offer than you think you do. Don't waste your time. I know it hurts and you will prob feel a failure (even though you aren't) You deserve better, don't settle for seconds!!!

Wishing you the strength to move on x

Original poster
Tamz77 · 21/10/2007 18:02

Yeah of course I have considered that but he's told me all about her, v.convoluted stuff, all about her daily life etc almost too complicated to invent, so I do believe him on that one...only issue with her is that apparently she might have a thing for him...apparently that issue remains unresolved (but hey, what do I know?!)

OP posts:
MyTwopenceworth · 21/10/2007 18:04

sometimes giving you 'convoluted stories' about someone is in itself suspicious.

Like if you ask a cheating bloke "Did you have a nice evening" And he replies

"Yes, i went to X and then to y at 10pm and left at 3am and stopped on Z street for a kebab, then it took me 10 minutes to walk home and I went past a lovely garden and I was Bob and when I got home I..."

Giving you a detailed story is like a script, iyswim!

chenin · 21/10/2007 18:04

You are making yourself far too available to him. He should be taking you out on dates, not coming round for a s**g.

It would be very easy to find out if he is telling the truth or not... find out where he works, and start investigating. You know where he lives... one day, just turn up to surprise him. He is treating you appallingly and you seem happy to accept it.

It is very telling, that you say you have gone a number of years without a boyfriend.. it just seems you are happy to grab at anything that comes along however bad they treat you. Do you have self esteem issues... it would be far better to work on how you feel because without doubt, unless you pull out now, your self esteem is going to plummet because of the unpleasant way he is treating you. You are worth more than that. Finish with him before he grinds you down any more.

MyTwopenceworth · 21/10/2007 18:05

that's saw Bob, obviously!

chenin · 21/10/2007 18:06

Who is this Bob person that people want to turn into.....

Carmenere · 21/10/2007 18:07

Wake up Tam and dump the loser or at least give him an ultimatum. 5 months is too long not to have met any friends or his 'flatmate'. Perhaps he is a spy? Which is about as likely as him being single.

Cool is not someone who treats a decent woman as a casual fuck. You can do better, he just isn't very nice.

MyTwopenceworth · 21/10/2007 18:07

That's a totally different ishoo altogether!