Circumstantial evidence of DP fooling around, or me being paranoid?

[Tamz77]

OK, will try to keep this brief. DP and I have been seeing each other since the beginning of June but lately I've had my suspicions he's messing about, however no actual proof. Would be grateful for opinions as to whether I'm just imagining things! Here's the 'evidence', such as it is.

• I have never been invited to stay over at his house, and in fact have not visited his house since June

• I do not have his home phone no, and when he calls me from home he always witholds his number

• Sometimes he 'disappears' for a couple/few days at a time, and our only contact becomes cursory text messages

• He is a self-employed computer person and apparently sometimes has to do 'all-nighters' where he's working pretty much 12 hrs straight, through the night...so he says! Do computer people really do this??

• He has recently dropped into the conversation the fact he is 'still friendly' with one particular ex and that they are planning to go to a bunch of gigs together this autumn (me not invited)

• I have never been introduced to his friends/flatmate

• He has never told me he loves me (me neither, to be fair)

• The other day he came round for a morning cuddle and just before we got down to things, asked if he could get a shower first (he's not a clean freak either, he often stays over and heads home again in the AM without showering)

• He has told a couple of small lies before which I haven't pulled him up on; one was about recreational drug use which I don't mind at all, but when we met he said No Way to that...turns out he does like it after all.

• We met online and apparently he still keeps dating sites on his computer favourites - he told me this kind of by-the-by and again I made no comment on it - is this a weird thing to do, when you've been seeing someone for nearly 5 months?!

• We have only had 2 dates in all that time...don't laugh...I've put it down to the fact that he's always strapped for cash (well so am I but could do better than 2 dates, really) but maybe it's something else?

• Generally speaking I'm aware I'm not a great catch, I'm an unemployed single mother, also I'm not cool like he is (and I mean he is really cool and really popular), actually I'm a bit of a dork, maybe he realises this but sticks around for the sex? (sex is quite good unless I'm kidding myself there too lol)

I'm fully aware that this is all a bit tatty and would not stand up in a court of law, but...what do you think? When we met I made a few comments about how his job was perfect for meeting lonely housewives/single mums (I'm the latter) and having lots of casual sex; maybe I've given him some ideas? He has also come over a few times now and told me about various women chatting him up, I've been very casual and unoffended by it, but maybe it's a clue...

Also he has no long term plans with me, speaks very definitely about how he never wants to get married (was engaged to a woman who left him, the mother of his child), has never mentioned 'the future' in any context apart from to say that he wants to move away/abroad...

Sorry this is so long but it's been killing me all weekend, I don't know how to react to him at the moment because my gut feeling says absolutely he is seeing/f*ing other people but on what grounds can I possibly put that to him...eg last night he said he couldn't see me cos he was staying at his mums...then ignored me when I texted him...then got in touch late this morning to say he was after some uppers for the day...I asked whether he'd been up all night and he said no, "just a quiet one"...so confusing! Why would he need uppers if he'd been asleep at his mum's since 10 pm???

Sorry again for the waffle!

my2p, I was thinking exactly the same. Liars often overcomplicate.

He's never introduced you to his friends or flatmate because they would most likely say "But what about X? (his girlfriend) I didn't know you had broken up with her!"

I tell you what is weird - not that he will treat you badly and hide you from the rest of his life, loads of men will do that - it's weird that you can SEE CLEARLY his faults, and are choosing to overlook them ... amd unconsciously.

You KNOW he's a knob. Now you just have to admit to yourself that you have been putting up with it, and you have my total empathy, because I know it is not a nice realisation.

Colditz is right, when my ex treated me like shit almost the worst thing was realising that I allowed him to. I was disgusted with myself.

Whether he's faithful or not is irrelevant. Sounds to me that (to coin an over-used phrase) he's just not that into you.

My first relationship after being single for a long time was very much like this. Trouble is the longer you put up with it the more your self esteem is eroded, and the harder it is to break away.

You deserve better. Dump him.

Yeah I do know what needs to be done I guess...it's funny, when I'm answering other people's posts on here I'm always very forthright/feminist, when it comes to my own crises I'm a total sap.

I'm absolutely no good at standing my ground, have tried to break up with him before actually on the grounds that it was too casual and I felt like a fuck buddy...the situation that day was that he hadn't called or seen me in days and then sent me a text asking me to run out to the local sex shop to get a toy for next time he came, "something around £20 if that's OK."

Sorry if TMI but anyway, he talked me round that time, was apologetic and made an effort to see me more...still no landline no though lol

This reminded me of a guy I met on a dating site. I called him his name when we were on our first date and I thought he must be deaf but he had changed it. Alarm bells immediatley! Turns out he is still living with his ex but not really together. Well this was his story. He was rich aswell,drove a ferrari! Still a loser! Get rid.

I was in this situation once. Good enough for a one night stand 3 nights a week but not good enough to go public and say we were in a relationship.

It messed my head up and I just couldn't help but coming on too strong, needy etc and eventually I drove him away by my need to be in a committed relationship with a future.

Best thing that ever happened, met my dh now have 2 dcs and he is still single (carried on having sex with various women but never a relationship) and once said to me he thinks he's left it too late to settle down and have kids now (he's about 38 now)

Yes I know - it's easier said than done.

Better to recognise and avoid these men in the first place than have to try to leave them once you're with them. This is what I'm working on. Seems I have a defective instinct when it comes to spotting men to avoid - maybe you're the same?

Also sometimes even the pain of a bad relationship seems better than the lonely emptiness of being alone. Sorry if a bit deep - more about me than you perhaps Tam.

the no landline number is totally wierd. i'd be tempted to pop round there when i know he's home just to see what's going on.

but i agree, this guy is not treating you well.

dtmfa

Married. Ditch him.

Tamz77

Q. What have you got in common with a mushroom?.

A. You're both kept in the dark and in your case also fed on prize bullsh*t.

DTMFA - crude but apposite given the circumstances.

You likely do not think so but you are worth far more than what he is prepared to give. A single mum (i.e vulnerable in their eyes) is easy prey for such tossers who hone in on such vulnerability. You my friend are being played like a violin.

Just say that this is going nowhere. No further explanation needed.

Sheila writes wise words here.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What did yours teach you?. If they were damaging lessons these can be unlearnt but you're going to yourself have to put a lot of emotional hard work in. Counselling is helpful in such circumstances.

Love your own self for a change and work on your own self esteem and worth.

I would not bother doing any investigating if I were you. Just dump him. He sounds like a shit and an user (based on what your first post says). He will make you feel worse and worse about yourself the longer it goes on. Also he is getting in the way of you actually meeting someone nice at some point.

Had a friend in very similar circumstances. She confronted him and he admitted he was still seeing his ex. She dumped him and hasn't looked back. Good luck.

You and him are seeing this 'relationship' from completely different angles. You see it as something that will progress into more and more as time goes on, he sees it as something casual with no future, for him it will never be more than it is now, it suits him this way, it's simple and he has sex on tap basically. He doesn't want anything more than that with you. You need to end it if you are looking for more than this extremely casual set up.

A good liar will have perfectly good, believable explanations, mine did...pulled the wool totally over me. Only the fact that I have a memory like an elephant and started to contradict little tiny details he said months before was how I got the truth, although I know I never got the full truth of anything

I too am a strong woman but this guy wore me down, by the time I ended it I was a gibbering wreck, doubting everything about myself

Please pull him on it, get the truth and don't let him just use you for sex (sorry but this is what it sounds like) Make it an equal partnership and if he won't walk away with your head held high

Will say it again, you deserve better, we all do

I've been in similar situations more than once, as everyone says, this is reallt damaging to your self asteem. His 'treat em mean keep em keen' behaviour will have you always wanting more from him because you never get it, you'll keep gambling on him gettin better, coming round, letting you in but it will never happen. It shouldn't be like this, it should be easy, if it were a happy, equal relationship ypu wpuldn't even need to question it becuase you would be in no doubt to how he feels about you, you shouldn't have to guess if he communicated with you properly, he doesn't care about any of this as long as you are convieniently available for him, he picks you up and puts you down like a rag doll, it's so rude! When i wa with guys like this i would be desperately trying to sqeeze a relationship out of what was clearly just sex and felt pathetic and worthless, would even constantly quetion what i was doing wrong but then i just realised it was them, not me, it took a while to realise this bt it's the best thing you can do, take control of your life, don't let him control it, you'll feel 100% better just knowing that even if you are alone for a bit it was your decision cause you wanted better! I met my husband and the contrast ade me realise how stupid i'd been to give guys like that the time of day, he treats me like a princess and more importantly as his equal!!! good luck, sure you'll look back and think 'what a looser her was'

eeerrrrrmm....

GET RID!

It does sound as if he's stringing you along, may well be two-timing you and has zero respect. Even if there was no other woman involved, is being treated like this OK? No.

You think you're "not a good catch" - and that's probably why you've stayed with him - you think you can't do better. Dumping him and not being subjected to this behaviour will help you feel stronger and more worthy of being treated well. You're certainly a better catch than him!

I really don't think you should spend a single second of your time further on this man.

really, really move on. make sure the dating websites are on your favourites and make use of them! Its pants and scary I know to be on your own, I was at 30, single mum too, now 35 with lovely dh beside me and ds number 2. met online. you deserve better. and you know it.

Tamz, my gut feel reading this was "he's married". Reading on, you're sure he's not. OK. But really don't think you can describe him as "DP". There doesn't seem to be much of a partnership going on here. Sorry if that seems harsh, but sometimes harsh is what we need to get real about these sorts of situations - believe me, have been there myself, more than once. Feel for you, but read back your posts and think what you would say to a friend if she was telling you the same things as you are writing here.

I'm sorry you've got caught up in this .... this ..... errr ..... "arrangement". I don't think it can be described as a relationship.

Does it really matter whether he's married and/or seeing other women ? Whatever the truth, there's so much that doesn't quite ring true - especially after 5 months. 2 dates in all that time makes it sound like you're a number in his little black book so to speak who gets called when he's bored and/or has nothing better to do.

There has to be better than this. I'd bet that were you to officially dump him, you'd probably hear nothing further from him, because he doesn't seem to actually care about you. Sorry again.

tamz, while you are with this guy, you are missing out on opportunities to meet someone who WILL treat you with respect.