Circumstantial evidence of DP fooling around, or me being paranoid?

[Tamz77]

OK, will try to keep this brief. DP and I have been seeing each other since the beginning of June but lately I've had my suspicions he's messing about, however no actual proof. Would be grateful for opinions as to whether I'm just imagining things! Here's the 'evidence', such as it is.

• I have never been invited to stay over at his house, and in fact have not visited his house since June

• I do not have his home phone no, and when he calls me from home he always witholds his number

• Sometimes he 'disappears' for a couple/few days at a time, and our only contact becomes cursory text messages

• He is a self-employed computer person and apparently sometimes has to do 'all-nighters' where he's working pretty much 12 hrs straight, through the night...so he says! Do computer people really do this??

• He has recently dropped into the conversation the fact he is 'still friendly' with one particular ex and that they are planning to go to a bunch of gigs together this autumn (me not invited)

• I have never been introduced to his friends/flatmate

• He has never told me he loves me (me neither, to be fair)

• The other day he came round for a morning cuddle and just before we got down to things, asked if he could get a shower first (he's not a clean freak either, he often stays over and heads home again in the AM without showering)

• He has told a couple of small lies before which I haven't pulled him up on; one was about recreational drug use which I don't mind at all, but when we met he said No Way to that...turns out he does like it after all.

• We met online and apparently he still keeps dating sites on his computer favourites - he told me this kind of by-the-by and again I made no comment on it - is this a weird thing to do, when you've been seeing someone for nearly 5 months?!

• We have only had 2 dates in all that time...don't laugh...I've put it down to the fact that he's always strapped for cash (well so am I but could do better than 2 dates, really) but maybe it's something else?

• Generally speaking I'm aware I'm not a great catch, I'm an unemployed single mother, also I'm not cool like he is (and I mean he is really cool and really popular), actually I'm a bit of a dork, maybe he realises this but sticks around for the sex? (sex is quite good unless I'm kidding myself there too lol)

I'm fully aware that this is all a bit tatty and would not stand up in a court of law, but...what do you think? When we met I made a few comments about how his job was perfect for meeting lonely housewives/single mums (I'm the latter) and having lots of casual sex; maybe I've given him some ideas? He has also come over a few times now and told me about various women chatting him up, I've been very casual and unoffended by it, but maybe it's a clue...

Also he has no long term plans with me, speaks very definitely about how he never wants to get married (was engaged to a woman who left him, the mother of his child), has never mentioned 'the future' in any context apart from to say that he wants to move away/abroad...

Sorry this is so long but it's been killing me all weekend, I don't know how to react to him at the moment because my gut feeling says absolutely he is seeing/f*ing other people but on what grounds can I possibly put that to him...eg last night he said he couldn't see me cos he was staying at his mums...then ignored me when I texted him...then got in touch late this morning to say he was after some uppers for the day...I asked whether he'd been up all night and he said no, "just a quiet one"...so confusing! Why would he need uppers if he'd been asleep at his mum's since 10 pm???

Sorry again for the waffle!

Thanks for the input everyone...well, I did the deed and broke up with him last night. He's a bit bewildered but I've asked him not to argue with me about it this time.

I on the other hand am gutted, tearful, have spent the last fourteen hours in bed without a wink of sleep...it's so depressing not to have anyone who loves you in the whole effing world...how can there be billions of people in the world and yet nobody to love me?

He's married I reckon
Only read OP, will read thread now.

Hi Tamz77, sorry you're having to go through this, not surprised you had a sleepless night. There is someone out there for you (lots of someones!) difficulty is finding them. But this guy wasn't it, from what you wrote.

OMG, he called and asked you to 'run out and get something from a sex shop' - have I got that right? He's an absolute user, you did the right thing, he's probably wondering how he got away with treating you so badly for so long.

Really, your daughter loves you. This man is not worthy.

your daughter loves you. Learn to love yourself a bit more and you will meet someone that will treat you well.

Good for you. You should be proud of yourself for standing up to him and recognising that you deserve better.

I know it hurts atm but think about this for a minute:
You know when you see someone allowing themselves to be treated badly and you think how pathetic that is? It is not attractive is it? No it isn't and you are not attracting a decent person because your self esteem is low atm. You attracted someone who saw low self esteem and thought how he could take advantage of it. He did not care about you, he is not good to have around.

BUT you have taken the first step towards building up your self esteem and making yourself more attractive. It is a cliche but you do have to love yourself before someone else can love you.

You will be fine in a couple of days, and then not only will you be fine you will realise how much better you feel for getting rid of this twunt and you will feel proud of yourself and your self esteem will start building and you will suddenly become more attractive

Well done

The french say that 'it is better to be alone that in bad company'.

Hold your head up high and walk away with your dignity. He was using you and you are worth more than that and deserve someone better.

Who will doubtless come along.

Men are like buses - nothing for ages and then 4 arrive at once.

Hang on in there.

hmmm - that should be: 'better to be alone than in bad company'

Well done Tamz, its so hard to do the right thing even when you know its right. I really admire you for that.

I just know things will improve for you, I used to look at people in the street and wonder what the f* they had that they were happy and married or at least looking so happy with someone.

But it happened for me eventually and I'm sure it will for you xxxxxxxx Sorry this is all a bit trite but I really feel for you x

Just been catching up on this thread and wanted to say a big good on you for breaking it off. I have encountered this type of specimen a few times in the past and with the benefit of hindsight can see what losers they were. He really doesn't sound cool to me, he sounds like a tw*t.

You will feel better in a few days, then it might be worth trying to focus on improving your self-esteem -- can you free up any time to do stuff that you want to do, like joining a club (tennis, dancing, walking, bingo, whatever you enjoy!), or some voluntary work? It's a cliche but you will meet someone else when you're not looking for it...

Tamz at the moment it sounds like you don't love yourself - and therefore think no-one else could. Concentrate on what you like about yourself. Start with having the courage to give this user the boot . Second he wouldn't be upset if the sex wasn't fine . I don't know you but you may also be a good cook, a good friend, a brilliant driver - whatever it is take pride in yourself.

Feeling comfortable with yourself will make you more attractive to men too.

Oh good on you Tamz! Stay strong - can you organise something to cheer yourself up, eg have a friend round, a haircut, trip to the cinema or something? Of course you feel down after all this but honestly it's onwards and upwards without him. It is not the case that there's no one out there for you. Just set your standards higher next time, and walk away from men like this as soon as you smell a rat. Then you'll be left with just the good ones to choose from. Good luck.

Just popping back in to see how you got on, really well done for getting rid of him, what you did takes a lot of courage and although seems painfull right now you will definately see it was right, whilst you are alone you might find yourself thinking 'it wasn't that bad' but it was! The longer you're apart from him the better you'll feel and the more chance there will be of you finding someone better. Be strong, once you get through the next few days, weeks you will feel so much better. It might be a long time before you truly realise waht a looser he was but one day you'll look back and laugh at how rubbish he was . There are loads of people in the world who will definately love you, you just haven't met them yet, you sound like a lovely caring person, any man would be lucky to have you

I agree with Tatt. Once you're feeling better about yourself you'll be in a much better place (mentally) to meet new men and feel more confident about it and with a bit of luck, get treated with the respect you deserve. keep smiling!