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Relationships

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Original poster

Does it tend to be the woman who pushes for marriage?

53 replies

Sadlonely67 · 07/12/2020 09:22

I’m at the age where my friends are starting to become engaged and married in heterosexual relationships. Mostly it seems it’s been my female friends who have brought up marriage and getting engaged, and their male partners tend to just go along with it, sometimes thanks to some gentle prodding. Does it tend to be like this?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2020 09:24

It wasn’t for me, but three friends had to resort to giving an ultimatum-marry or split up.

CorianderBlues · 07/12/2020 09:28

Some might say, what benefit does marriage bring? It's incredibly expensive, is very difficult to even think about planning this year or next.

My friends got married on Xmas eve last year, at the registry office, with 2 witnesses and no fanfare. Everyone was equally surprised and happy for them. Would your friends be happy with that? They would still be married. They just wouldn't have their day in the spotlight, which I think is secretly what it's all about.

Original poster

Sadlonely67 · 07/12/2020 09:30

Would your friends be happy with that? I would be! And at the heart of it, no, I think most of my friends are marrying for love and to start a family, rather than enjoying the spotlight for the day

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2020 09:37

My husband wanted to marry me as much as I wanted to marry him. No nudging or hinting or any of that nonsense

Original poster

Sadlonely67 · 07/12/2020 09:39

Shoxfordian who brought it up first time though?

OP posts:

BigMetalPebbles · 07/12/2020 09:40

Women have a much smaller window for having children and take on much more of the work and the financial hit so
If a woman wants children and isn't independently wealthy
She should get married
Then have children
And not hang about too much as the chances of severe congenital disabilities rises with parental age, as well as straightforward fertility concerns.

A bloke can marry and start a family at 50 if he really wants!

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 07/12/2020 09:43

I've been married twice, and both times the man was keen.

Alys20 · 07/12/2020 09:44

In my own experience and that of many people I know, it was the man not the woman that pushed for it. But the men I'm referring to all come from horribly patriarchal cultures.

Recently a female family member not from that culture did push for marriage, over about 3 years I think. It was cringe inducing to watch.

pringlebells · 07/12/2020 09:46

My DH always said he wanted to marry me, he was so shy about proposing (he walked in and give me a ring while I was eating Doritos in pjs)

I had to kick him up the bum to plan the wedding too, but to be fair we were buying a house and having ivf so we had a lot on.

SlightDelay · 07/12/2020 09:50

Marriage is better financially than partnership if you are the woman or poorer partner.
Do women push for it more? Yes and no. I wanted marriage more once and he wanted it more another time. Same man.

LondonCrone · 07/12/2020 09:51

I would never prod a man into marrying me! With my ex and I, it was always tacitly understood that we would marry — I think he implied at a party very early in the relationship that he was excited to (we were a bit drunk, haha). But I was the one who said when I was ready to get engaged.

RandyGiles06 · 07/12/2020 09:52

My DH asked me and it was a complete surprise! Neither of us pushed for it though. We had about a year of being engaged and not planning a wedding, which was mutually agreed on the same day we got engaged (because we were saving for a house deposit) and after that year we both started looking at venues, DH actually was the one that came to me with the suggestion for the venue we eventually decided on. So I would say that neither of us pushed and we were equally motivated to get married. I do agree that in my circle of friends it is often the female that is the driving force behind getting married, and I do know of two couples where the female had to have hard words with her partner to “encourage” them to propose (both who since have proposed and they are happy).

Bunnymumy · 07/12/2020 09:52

I kinda think if you have to talk them into it then you shouldn't marry them anyway. People should be on the same page for big commitments like that.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 07/12/2020 09:54

Dh never wanted to get married, never saw the point.
I have him an ulitmation, 1 year, we either plan a wedding or break up. He proposed 6 months later...
I'm not proud that I did it, but I wanted him to chose me, tell the world he had chosen me (I say world we had a 12 person registry office do and afternoon tea at a hotel) and legally tie himself to me.

SlightDelay · 07/12/2020 09:57

I really believe in being with someone who loves you that bit more than you love them. I'd feel very low if he married me at my insistence. So that's why even though I got engaged after pushing for it I just couldn't go ahead with it. I always felt something missing about that. I know it sounds terribly old fashioned and even though I couldn't give two hoots about a wedding I did want the magical proposal and great love story where he loves me just that little bit more.

MaverickDanger · 07/12/2020 10:05

I know of one couple where she really pushed - she gave him an ultimatum to propose by the end of the year and he did it with two days to spare. They were married within 6 months & then she gave him an ultimatum of having a baby and boom, pregnant within 6 months too.

For DH & I, we had discussed it for a while, but he brought it up with a specific timescale. He didn’t propose, we just agreed to get married (to secure visas as well as because we wanted to).

RantyAnty · 07/12/2020 10:15

I don't think there's any real pattern to it.
Men tend to want to when all their friends are settling down.

honeylulu · 07/12/2020 10:17

Yes in my experience it does seem to be the woman who wants to get married more. The man is less keen or indifferent. I made it clear to my husband that I wanted to get married and have children. We are married and do have children but i dont think either would have happened had I not pressed for it.

If the set up is traditional - man earns more (often because he's a bit older) and woman wants to go part time after children, then the woman has more security to gain from marriage. The man doesn't really so it makes sense they'd be less keen.

I now earn a lot more than my husband (I didn't when we married) so he's done all right out of it!

LeaveMyDamnJam · 07/12/2020 10:18

Men are not a homogeneous set of one behaviour. They are as diverse in their thinking as women. FWIW I have had 3 proposals, all a surprise.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2020 10:23

No hard and fast rule. I’ve been married twice, both men were keen to marry me.

purple, are all of them still married?

OP, do these women want to be married or do they want flowery proposals and big fat weddings? They’re different things.

Original poster

Sadlonely67 · 07/12/2020 10:29

AnneLovesGilbert They want to be married. Think we’re all past the age of flowery proposals and big fat weddings

OP posts:

endoftether51 · 07/12/2020 10:31

No I didn't want to and he did
Gave up after a few years
Will probably come to regret since I kicked him out yday

gannett · 07/12/2020 10:33

I find it impossible to believe that relationships like this can ever really be happy or worthwhile. Ultimatums should be no way to live your life. They're hostile tactics that indicate zero communication or compatibility.

Limpshade · 07/12/2020 12:07

I'm not sure if that's true of most relationships but it has been the case for two friends I can think of.

The first did get married after pushing her then long-term boyfriend to propose, but the marriage did not last long (around a year). She's now in a very solid relationship but does not want to marry again. The second made it clear she wanted to get married for years and eventually she got fed up and they broke up. Her next boyfriend was besotted with her and proposed very quickly - they are still happily married today.

With DH, we were together eight years before he proposed and I can honestly say we never discussed it before that. It was always an unspoken agreement that it would just happen "one day" (said to people who would nag us about it). I've always thought that you won't be happy married if you're not happy unmarried, if that makes sense? But I suppose it's more complicated if you have or want to have children. Our lives were very free and separate at the time so there was no real "reason" to push on with a marriage.

AspiringAmazon · 07/12/2020 12:30

I think it’s difficult to generalize. I’ve been with my partner for over 4 years and neither of us are keen to get married. I also know several women in long term relationships with children who never got married and who aren’t fussed in the slightest with tying the knot 🤷🏻‍♀️

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