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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to leave but totally trapped

55 replies

Potholemum · 06/12/2020 23:22

Married 20 years, 2 DS (13 & 11) I want to leave but:
We have not long spent a year renovating the house at a huge cost and upheaval to interim living accommodation
The house was built for our needs inc DS
DS love the house inc swimming pool we have
DS can walk to school - important for them
OH has his dream of a man cave
We are booked for OH dream holiday next year - he has spent 5 years saving and over a year planning
OH cannot buy me out
To sell the house and not do OH dream holiday would totally destroy him
DC would be so upset to sell
I wouldn't expect OH to move out, why should he when its my decision to split. I cannot buy OH out

I feel totally trapped. What do I do

OP posts:
Onesipmore · 06/12/2020 23:24

Lots of reasons for not wanting to leave, but why do you want to leave?

Littlemissnutcracker · 06/12/2020 23:25

Oh god this is awful. All you could do (it you don't want to sell the house) is live in different rooms with your own life
Not ideal

strangertimes · 07/12/2020 05:59

Why do you want out of the marriage?

Oblomov20 · 07/12/2020 06:44

Sounds horrendous, but common. Financial. Many women can't bare to leave because they'd be left with having to move to a vile place, miles from school, and their children live in a dive of a flat. Instead of a nice house. Which isn't the be-all, but mum worries that child will resent them for it, for breaking the family up.

litterbird · 07/12/2020 13:16

Why do you want to leave? Is this just a recent feeling? You seemed to have been ok to renovate a beautiful home and finish it. Have you had your head turned or is there something going on behind closed doors?

Original poster
Potholemum · 08/12/2020 02:39

Wanting to leave because:
Lack of sex for several years
We don't laugh together
We have nothing to talk about
I find him boring
Hes happy watching TV and gaming all night long
He pays no interest in me
After 20 years I want to go dating again. I miss the banter, the excitement. Im a lifelong flirt, I enjoy it and always will do.
Have thought about leaving for years. However, he has got better during lockdowm, more calm and eaay going.
Yes had my head turned, nothing came of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potholemum · 08/12/2020 02:44

Oh and I don't find OH passionate or attractive- I want someone whose clothes I wanna rip off, who I love to snog and feel their big hands all over me. I guess I've changed and no longer want OH, but OH is a safe bet

OP posts:
Horehound · 08/12/2020 02:48

Your kids can have all the swimming pools and gadgets etc in the world but what they really need is a happy set of parents. Your resentment for this man will grow. You get one life...do not waste it.

Your kids will understand

ScalpHelp · 08/12/2020 03:11

None of the reasons you listed are worth staying imo. Sounds very materialistic. I think you need to balance what’s a priority in life, your mental health/happiness or a swimming pool?

Yes, it will be an upheaval and no one is saying it would be easy, but it’s worth it long term. No child enjoys being stuck between unhappy parents - contrary to how well you think you hide it, they can tell.

3rdNamechange · 08/12/2020 03:31

You could leave by yourself.

PerveenMistry · 08/12/2020 04:38

The kids will have their chance when they are grown. Don't sacrifice your life so they can have a luxury as children.

DerbyshireMama · 08/12/2020 07:21

There are thousands of women out there who are trapped because they dont have access to any money, their husbands threaten to abduct the children, they are in fear of their lives if they escape...from what you've written, you don't sound very trapped.

Anothernick · 08/12/2020 07:32

Lack of sex is at the top of your list, can't you work on that with DH? Does he know it's (quite reasonably) a major issue for you? If things improved in the bedroom it might change your perspective on your other problems.

Plastichearts · 08/12/2020 07:32

Does your husband know how you feel?

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 07:41

Do you work op?

category12 · 08/12/2020 07:41

Your OH would not be "destroyed" by not doing a dream holiday Hmm. Don't be so melodramatic.

If you were to split up, his life won't be over, he'll likely find someone else and go on the dream holiday with her instead.

category12 · 08/12/2020 07:51

Basically your reasons for being reluctant to split are material wealth and convenience. That's not being trapped. That's being unwilling to pay the piper.

KarmaNoMore · 08/12/2020 07:57

You don’t have to leave straight away, divorces are like weddings, you start saving and preparing for your new life and go through it when you can afford it and by affording it I am not only talking about money.

Your kids are in the age when their opinion about where they live will be considered.

Leaving for the thrill of dating is stupid, go and read the OLD threads to see how much pain and disappointment you will experience in exchange of a few days of “thrill”, you may or may not find someone new but I can assure you it is not straight forward. Leave because you had enough but not because there may be a better man out there.

Lozzerbmc · 08/12/2020 07:57

Is your marriage worth saving? Perhaps he is not happy either? What attracted you to him in first place?

Being a single mum would be hard and the grass may not be greener.

If you really want to end it you can find a way. Holidays arent end of world and you’d find a way of getting a nice home for your DCs. Do you work?

Original poster
Potholemum · 08/12/2020 08:03

I work and have my own decent income.
Oh doesn't think anything is wrong and would be totally destroyed and surprised that I wanted to separate. I don't want to talk it out with him re the sex and other issues.
I want to be free to do what I want.
But where would we both live in the interim? We don't have a spare room, the mortgage and bills are huge and neither of us can afford to move out to rent and cover mortgage pymts

OP posts:
bigbirdbetty · 08/12/2020 08:13

My dad slept on the sofa bed until the house sold. Took a year.

Eviebeans · 08/12/2020 08:17

Have you tried Old and been satisfied with results or is it something you have imagined trying and might have unrealistic ideas about it...?

Chloemol · 08/12/2020 08:20

If you want to leave then go ahead, you don’t need to take the kids they could stay with their father. With the maintenance you would have to pay perhaps they could stay where they are now

Personally I think you should have had this conversation before you did the house up, as you are obviously not prepared to have any counselling etc and are happy to ‘destroy’ your husband who is unaware of how you feel as you want to be free to do what you want

If you were a man telling MN this you would be called selfish

Eviebeans · 08/12/2020 08:21

The children could share and you and oh could have a room each.
I'm surprised that feeling as you do, you started a major programme of house renovation

Original poster
Potholemum · 08/12/2020 08:33

Me and OH already lead quite separate lives. I go out with my friends (when we can - C-19) we are in separate rooms in the eve for our own TV each. I go swimming or to the gym, we eat different dinners at different times, he has his food in the cupboard I have mine.

OP posts: