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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Want to leave but totally trapped

55 replies

Potholemum · 06/12/2020 23:22

Married 20 years, 2 DS (13 & 11) I want to leave but:
We have not long spent a year renovating the house at a huge cost and upheaval to interim living accommodation
The house was built for our needs inc DS
DS love the house inc swimming pool we have
DS can walk to school - important for them
OH has his dream of a man cave
We are booked for OH dream holiday next year - he has spent 5 years saving and over a year planning
OH cannot buy me out
To sell the house and not do OH dream holiday would totally destroy him
DC would be so upset to sell
I wouldn't expect OH to move out, why should he when its my decision to split. I cannot buy OH out

I feel totally trapped. What do I do

OP posts:

Original poster

Potholemum · 08/12/2020 08:45

I guess I thought that getting our dream house would solve a lot of the issues and I'd be 'happy' - but I couldn't care less about the house now. I thought our old house was making me unhappy- too much work needed to be done to it, nothing ever finished or decorated how we wanted... now we are in a finished house, decorated in full as we want, loads of extra room to not be under each others feet all the time ... but im still unhappy. I feel there is something missing every day, I feel unfulfilled, I see photos of fruends in couples on fbook and think I don't want a pic of me and OH like that. We don't remember/celebrate our wedding anniversary. We don't do Xmas gifts, I'm not intetested in giving him one, he doesn't buy for me. Same with birthdays. We co exist together, imo.

OP posts:

Plastichearts · 08/12/2020 08:49

I do think you should raise it with your husband, even if you are not ready to leave at this moment. You say he would be destroyed, in which case prepare him and start having the discussions where you consider how separation and divorce would look eg the house/children etc.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 08/12/2020 08:56

Don't let him feeling"destroyed" stop you. He won't. Men usually have lots more opportunities than women to move on because they don't have childcare to sort. Of course there will be exceptions to the rule, but in my experience men don't take very long to get over things. Why would he be devastated anyway? The relationship sounds grim. You'd be doing him a favour, rather than staying in misery and you open to having your head turned.

category12 · 08/12/2020 09:00

If you live such separate lives, what makes you think splitting up would be so devastating to him? It might surprise him but it doesn't sound like he's deeply in love with you, more like you're a habit.

tableanadchairs · 08/12/2020 09:05

If as you say you have loads of extra room in your house and are also in separate room of an evening can you not find space somewhere for a bedroom. Then live together while separated while sorting out th3 practicalities

LeaveMyDamnJam · 08/12/2020 09:09

I’m not sure he will be as destroyed as you think.

Hoppinggreen · 08/12/2020 09:12

I think you think the grass is greener on the other side.
A lot of people would envy you but you dont feel happy or fulfilled, well that’s the case for loads of women and they don’t fell happy or fulfilled in a small shitty house or none at all.
I think you are being selfish and self indulgent to be honest, life isn’t a fairy tale, we aren’t owed happiness and you have to find your own, preferably not by shagging someone else.
Step away from the Mills and Boon and find what joy you can in the life you have without ruining everyone else’s
Probably not a popular opinion but I have seen too many people throw away a perfectly good marriage and upset their families due to some strange idea that life should be perfect.

wizzywig · 08/12/2020 09:16

Op I understand where you are coming from, the emptiness in the marriage slowly kills you. You feel dead inside, just existing. You want to be with another man just to feel alive, feel something. And you see you kids having a lovely life, and think how can I take this away from them. So another day passes

AiryFairyMum · 08/12/2020 09:20

I'd work at the marriage you have. The grass isn't always greener.

purpleboy · 08/12/2020 09:29

There's nothing that you have written that doesn't sound fixable, try marriage counseling maybe? Sounds like your in a rut and rather than try to work it out you want to leave.
Your absolutely entitled to feel how you do and only you know deep down if there is anything there to salvage.
Would it help if you remember what made you attracted to him in the first place, maybe focus on the positives about him rather than the negatives? It might change your mindset to be willing to give it another go.
I don't think all relationships after 20 years are still butterfly's and flirting, as much as the movies want us to believe, most long term couples I know have settled from that exciting honeymoon phase to a deep seated, respectful love.
Perhaps your feeling a bit unloved, unwanted and bored, the ball is in your court to change that, but only if that's what you want.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

HMSSophie · 08/12/2020 09:36

You are not "trapped". You are stuck because you can't have everything you want and because our choices always come with a cost.

You do sound empty inside though and I wonder if counselling would help you explore that emptiness within you - that no amount of luxury items, redecorating or hot sex will fill.

DongDingBells · 08/12/2020 09:47

You spend no time together and don't have sex.
How sure are you that he, too, is not staying "for the children" or because of the finances?

It seems a bit of a stretch that you're not having sex but "he doesn't think anything is wrong" and "it would destroy him" to be divorcing from his, er, housemate. The gaming and holiday may be just him filling his time until he feels the kids are old enough (or a suitable OW comes along, being cynical).

WaltzingBetty · 08/12/2020 10:13

So you want to be free to go dating and have sex?

Not unreasonable but how would you manage that as a single parent?
Have you actually looked online and seen what's out there. Pickings are slim
You clearly don't want a relationship as you aren't willing to communicate with the husband you have.

It sounds like you're caught up in a romantic fantasy rather than any kind of reality of online dating as a single parent

Have you had counselling? I think you need to do noticing fantasy from reality

movingonup20 · 08/12/2020 10:15

Sounds like my situation, actually I put up with it then 5 years or so after I got to the stage you are at he left me!

There's no perfect time, and the grass isn't necessarily greener - have you had a frank conversation with him, could you try counselling or therapy to see if it helps? We decided not to sell the house, I know we are fortunate to be able to afford not to, it means I still co own it but I live with my new dp in another part of the country and exh pays me "rent" for my half of the house and pays the mortgage.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 10:27

To be honest you do sound a bit like a horny teenager. If you wish to split, then talk to your husband and be a grown up about it. The house will need to be sold and then you split the equity, any joint savings and then both set up on your own. Any childcare you come to an agreement on the split.

Until the house is sold, you can both continue to live there but apart, many do.

However as your husband has no clue anything is wrong, and you’re reticent to tell him. I wonder how much of this is just fantasty.

Shetoshe · 08/12/2020 10:39

I think OP is getting a hard time for her honesty here. How can she work on a "marriage" that's so obviously dead and gone? Her husband has no interest in her, they spend what looks like zero time as a couple - even the basic of having dinner together doesn't happen. No sex, shared interests, fun. I can understand the rationale for going ahead with the house renovations in the hope that will "fix" things, I've been there.

You are essentially already living separate lives OP. I think you need to start putting a plan in place. Get a pen and paper and start budgeting for all possibilities. You may need to live together for a while but there should be ways and means of separating. It will mean a substantial drop in lifestyle so you really need to weigh up what is more important to you - your freedom but at a financial cost, or the status quo but no financial stress/nice house etc. When you get to the point where the stats quo is simply intolerable then you'll make the jump for freedom and will cope with the fallout. It's such a hard decision to make but it sounds like you're nearly there. Start getting into the nuts and bolts of the practicalities and you'll find you're not trapped at all.

DryRoastPeanut · 08/12/2020 10:46

Talk to him! He’s your husband, you should be able to talk to him.
Explain that you’re miserable and your happiness means as much as his! Don’t go mad because you don’t want him to miss out on his dream holiday.

Embracelife · 08/12/2020 11:17

You leaVe and rent.
Dh and dc stay and get a lodger to contribute to mortgage.

Embracelife · 08/12/2020 11:18

Dh can go on dream hols with dc or someone else.

Better than with you as you are only pretending. no?

Mrsjayy · 08/12/2020 11:25

It' all sounds miserable you eat different food and sit I different rooms he is probably as miserable as you are. The whole relationship seems to be for show with no real meaning but fancy holidays and a dream home. Can you afford .to leave him and just leave the kids with him?

Sexnotgender · 08/12/2020 11:28

After 20 years I want to go dating again. I miss the banter, the excitement. Im a lifelong flirt, I enjoy it and always will do.

God, believe me you really don’t. Dating these days is an absolute cesspit.

myhobbyisouting · 08/12/2020 11:31

This is all because you've got carried away with some fantasy about a crush.

You can't have it all.

workshy44 · 08/12/2020 11:35

What about an open marriage. If he doesn't want to have sex with you he might agree to it - certainly if the alternative is selling the family home.
Your life does sound a drudge but I would only leave without seriously trying to fix things if you are prepared never to meet anyone else. You might meet the love of your life, but it is slim pickings out there by all accounts
The was a thread the other day where a solvent , intelligent women with her own home was madly in love with a guy with ED, no money and no get up and go. Seriously that was the best she found out there. He wasn't abusive so she thought she had hit the jackpot

billy1966 · 08/12/2020 12:18

OP,
How you thought a house would fix a marriage that is so dead is beyong me.
You sound like you are in a house share I had years ago.

The house will have to be sold.

How your husband could be surprised is beyond me.
Your lives are totally separate.

Selling the house will only be formalising the end of your marriage.

Mrsjayy · 08/12/2020 12:30

If you don't even acknowledge each others birthdays or Christmas how.did this dream holiday come about? I think you are kidding yourself if you think he would be devestated if you separated

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