What do your MILs do when they come over?

[Sunsetred]

Just wondering because mine does nothing. I wish I lived closer to my own mum because she would help us out when she visited.

Mine is 75 and bloody great. They pick ds up from school one day a week, bring him home and feed him / play with him. They have a key to our house!

When we got home from work this week she was crouching behind the settee in a nerf gun battle with ds

Thanks everyone, some of the replies really made me chuckle. I just feel a bit resentful because she is insisting that we live close to her but it feels like it's all for her benefit. The replies suggest that I cannot expect the same support I would get from my own parents and I agree with that. I agree with some of the comments that I shouldn't expect help even from my own parents but it has been really hard having our first baby during the first national lockdown. Even just being able to have my mum come over and tell me I'm doing things right would have been a huge help! Anyway my conclusion is to move somewhere in between both our parents!

Surely if you’ve had a new baby during Covid this has made things difficult for visitors anyway. I’m not sure you can judge help offered at this time. Even going inside the house isn’t allowed in most areas!

Mine does nothing while she’s here except spend time with the kids, eat and drink.
But she’s lovely and always bringing us food she’s made and giving generous gifts. Always buying kids their favourite treats and marvelling at how they’re such artists, writers or super talented in other ways.

Mines my next door neighbour. She pops in at exceptionally random times to give me a life update on everyone she's ever encountered or to rant about education systems. Love her 😂

Sit on sofa, drink coffee, put lipstick on all day, ignore me and dc. Take the occasional photo of grandchildren, not interact with them apart from that
Go out for a meal with H, he'd pay.

I don't miss her one bit and thankfully don't have to see her anymore.
She taught me how to be the worst mil and that's her best gift to me. I will never be anything like her!

Plays with DD (17 months).
When I was on mat leave she came occasionally and looked after her so I could nap.
And when I was particularly unwell with PND and could barely get out of bed, and DD wasn’t sleeping and our dishwasher broke and the kitchen was an absolute disaster, her and FIL came and cleaned it, did all the washing up while watching DD so DH and I could sleep.
She’s a saint.

Nothing except sit on my sofa talking about herself, or random people I've never met.

DS is 4 and was no use when he was born, in fact she would turn up with people that she hadn't prewarned us about, asked for tea and wanted DS waking up so they could cuddle him. No.

She asked to hold him once, of course, I went to make some coffees. She put him down straight away as he was 'too heavy', about 10lbs at that point.

Ha, I could've posted this yesterday!! We had MIL (support bubble) for the weekend and by the end of Sunday I was beginning to feeling like the waiting staff! I did my own childcare plus the cooking whilst DH and MIL spent "quality time" together. So in all fairness it wasn't just my MIL I was annoyed at . I wouldn't mind so much, but I end up doing all the cooking if we go to her house too! It did help me decide that I was going to put my foot down about Xmas though, no way am I cooking every meal on my own!

It's difficult for you to ask your MIL for help. Could your DPartner ask, I'm hoping you get help from them?

I am fortunate to have a lovely MIL, she has done a lot to help over the years.

I would agree some MIL’s get a rough ride, and can’t do right for doing wrong.

If you could do with a hand from MIL, just ask & see what happens.

We will all be MILs some day, so be kind, otherwise you could also end up being a MIL that is cut off from your DS/DD or GC.

As a mum to two DS’ I will tread very carefully around my future DIL’s and won’t offer advice unless asked.

Oh goodness so supporting those who say mil can't do right for doing wrong. Be kind to us, most of us do our best and are all too well aware of the dangerous ground we walk on. Maybe say I could really use a hand with ....., could you help me do......, would you like to take dc to the ....... If we just step in we could be seen as criticising/controlling/infanticising. Most of us are desperate to build a good relationship and aim for doing as little as possible/being as unobtrusive so nothing could annoy/offend a dil. Still didn't work for me though and I grieve every day.

It's really not hard..as a mil you can ASK. there is a huge range from ironing your dil's underwear and changing her bedding to sitting like a statue.

What would be nice is say i know how busy you are, its a hard job, i would love to help anyway please dont be embarrassed to ask.

Not coming around and starting what you see fit or doing nothing at all. Show empathy, show willingness, show understanding so there is sincerity in the offer and make it less embarrassing by saying you remember struggling or how hard it was and that you are glad to help.

Mine is utterly fab. She will happily make a tea round but (quite rightly) likes to focus on the DC. Yes, my DM is much more proactive (shops so she can cook delicious evening meals) but that’s about DMIL not wanting to overstep boundaries. DFIL is the same and quick to offer practical help, which is much welcomed. Wonderful people, I’m very lucky to have them!

Mine is everything I could ask for. She lives a long flight away but when they visit she is one of the family so cooks, looks after DC’s, does whatever needs doing to help out. She came to stay for six weeks when DT’s were born (she was a teacher in Canada and used up all her school holidays to help us) - we couldn’t manage without her.
When I am a MIL, I want to be like her.

Nothing. And then complains afterwards to DH that she wasn’t offered enough cups of tea. As if she couldn’t either ask or operate the kettle herself. She also sent a long and detailed list of food requirements in advance and then ate none of it (not allergies / health related, just preferences)

My MIL never comes over. I wish she did! I always have to take DC to her.

(My own mum never did a thing beyond chatting to kids and cats but at least she would let you know if she wanted a coffee, rather than seething in martyred silence so she could complain after the event that she felt unwelcome)

I'm an MIL - we live close to one of my sons and DIL. they have 2 children under 5. We provide childcare whilst they are at work. We don't go to theirs that much cos we feel they need family time when they're not working but when we do it's for a meal or something and we help out with the kids while they cook etc
Even tho we get on well help has to be offered sensitively

WTF? I'm a mum and when I visit my daughters we interact the same as if friends were visiting. I don't jump up and do their housework for them, and I imagine they'd think I was criticising how they keep their house if I did!

Of course I'll help out of they've got a job that needs doing, and I'll usually check if they need anything from the shop before I set off (especially if I'm visiting the one with a baby). But no, generally we sit and chat and drink coffee and I play with the baby. It's a social visit, same as if they visit me.

Obviously we muck in together washing up after a meal etc. But walking in and saying "shall I do your ironing?" Nope.

Maybe if they didn't live near and I was visiting for a couple of days, I'd offer, just to keep busy. But not when I'm just popping in for an hour or two.

Chats, watches TV. She would happily help with food, dishes etc but we don't let her. She deserves to chill out.

MILs can’t win on Mumsnet. If a MIL popped in and did some housework, all hell would be let loose on here, with comments about her interference, snooping, taking over, being critical. Next thing would be peeps suggesting you go no contact.

Yes! 100% that.

I think it depends op.

How old is baby? Do you mean she visits when DP isn't there then sits there staring at you whilst you're stuck under a breastfeeding baby dropping hints about how thirsty she is?

Are you still recovering from the birth? Is DP doing his share?

I think if you're struggling and want her he'll, ask. My MIL is lovely but she wouldn't just go and clean etc because she wouldn't want to tread on my toes. But if I asked she would

She’d have to bother driving here first, she lives 8miles away and drives but hasn’t been for about 2years 🙄