What do your MILs do when they come over?

[Sunsetred]

Just wondering because mine does nothing. I wish I lived closer to my own mum because she would help us out when she visited.

Talks a lot! Drinks tea and eats cake. Usually brings home made cake of some sort for us as well! Plays and chats with the children and we have a general catch up.
Unless you are asking her to come over for a specific reason, what do you want/expect her to do? She is your guest, surely?

Mine will probably wash up, Fuss over the kids, slip a £20 in my hand/DPs bag, drink coffee, have a chat, ask to use the loo ... she's genuinely the loveliest mil I could have have hoped for.

Mine barely gives the children eye contact

@Emptyspacex

Mine barely gives the children eye contact

Omg 😂😭 i dont know whether to cry or laugh. Thats just awwwwful!

Generally when MIL comes over she's a great help entertaining DS so I can get on with other bits I need to do like folding washing or, as was the case today, present wrapping. We have an unspoken rule that I'll always make us dinner and provide coffee, while she brings dessert and a bone each for the dogs. She comes usually once a week and it isn't a burden at all, she's a lovely woman.

I dont think you worded your post well OP. I think I know what you mean though. If my parents came to my home they would be be offering to help out, wash the dishes (my DF always did this whether I ask him to or not) make a brew before I offered, offer to do a wash load or just entertain the DCs while I did it. My ILaws although I like them would not even dream of doing that. My FIL had me waiting on him hand & foot when I had a newborn & he came to stay, they act more like guests we wait on.

Everyone is different, your parents probably feel more comfortable in your home where she may not want to step on toes, its different when it's your DD compared to your DIL.

My mil never helped out really. She just used to like holding my ds.

I have a dgs now. I've always helped my ds and dil. It's how you do it though.
We live a distance away so mostly stay over to look after dgs whilst they work.
I will vacuum, cook, put washing on, whatever needs doing.
I never criticise the way they keep their home but emphasise that I know they're very busy. As I'm there I may as well be useful.
I don't go into their bedroom, I don't touch anything that looks private.
I'm lucky, my dil just let's me get on with it.

In fairness, my own DM lives round the corner and rarely pops round. If she really has to she leaves at the very first opportunity. So I’d be cheeky to expect more of my MIL.

I feel sorry for my kids. Despite both sets of grandparents living nearby they could go the whole summer holidays and never see them.

I learnt pretty quickly that comparing my mil to my mum was going to do none of us any favours.

My mum will happily come round abs help out- washing up, making tea, hoovering, washing etc. Even bringing food. Mil- no. But I don't think it came out of spite- more that she just didn't really know what to do.

I started asking her if she could make me an extra portion of xyz that she was cooking when she came round as it would really help us out if we didn't have to cook. She delighted in doing that. And we really appreciated it too. She still brings round food 😁. When whole house except me had D&V bug and I was 5 days PP I asked her to help me out by miltoning all my door handles and banisters etc. She wouldn't have done it off her own back but she was more than willing to take direction.

Maybe your mil would be the same?

People who have babies then expect help of family drive me nuts you knew what you were getting yourself into. Yes things change and maybe help is now needed due to medical reasons or cash flow problems but personally I wouldn't expect the help yes if offered I would be made up but I choose to have child I will do what needs doing again. If you are struggling then speak to them or ask for help.

But saying that I would absolutely do things to help out my children when they have babies an no they won't need to ask.

I would never offer to do any housework at my dil's in case she felt I was being critical. We get on very well and I want it to stay that way!

I assume you have a partner if you have a mother in law? I would divert the help required in their direction rather than the mother in law. Is there a father in law whose also getting away without being blamed for not helping more? If so, may be time to look at gender norms

I'm a MiL. I will make teas and coffes, sweep the floors, hoover, hang out washing, fold dry things, wash up, kitchen surfaces, bake cakes and biscuits, sew curtains and table linens. When the baby was really tiny, I got up first every morning (well they'd been up in the night - I hadn't) and sanitise the bathroom (loo, basin, bath, taps, handles) to make it safe. Oh, and shopping runs and take the baby out for a walk. And just hold the baby and soothe it when parents' arms were tired. And home school the older one (in lockdown). Not all those things every day, mind.

Gosh! No wonder I got tired out! Wouldn't have missed it for the world.

I’m a MiL and don’t do anything really

I work and have my own home and the rest of the family to look after.

I also have my own DM and MiL to help

On a side note this thread makes me feel a bit queasy. I’m run off my feet as a mum looking after the needs of two kids alongside work abs helping my parents. I love them being little but one thing I look forward to about them and I being older having some time back to myself. I will of course want to help when my children have their children, but I don’t want to continue to be the default cleaner/cook etc. Where’s the mention of other relatives dad, father in law etc.

Mine is brilliant - we live the other side of the world, but she always cooks & cleans. We’re expecting our first & when they are finally allowed to visit, she will just be on hand to do whatever I ask her to do!

It is reciprocated though - when we visit them, I always cook or clean up, including cooking Christmas dinner last year.

I’m very lucky to have her!

MIL lives a long way away so comes about twice a year. She was good with the DC when they were little TBF. They are grown up now. She never comes for less than a week. We have been married for nearly 30 years and she still doesn't know where the kettle is. She once gave the cleaner her dirty plate and mug to wash up after breakfast rather than put them in the dishwasher herself.

Both my Mum and MIL used to do jobs when they babysat. I don't mean putting dishes they'd used in the dishwasher which I'd be fine with.
I mean putting mail into piles, changing my bed sheets, ironing my underwear. MIL would rearrange things like the bread bin and toaster to what she thought was best.
I hate people touching my stuff so it's not something I wanted at all.

She either cooks or washes up, plays with the kids, does bedtime and babysits. She lives away do a rare treat but ace

When dc were small she would come round 3/4 times a week. She didn't help. Just sat looking uncomfortable despite my early efforts to form a good relationship with her.
She always wanted dc on their own and to take them to her house.
A decade on she doesn't visit very often. Expects the DC to go to hers ( pre-covid) on a Sunday afternoon to spend time with her.
She likes them on her turf.

Where’s the mention of other relatives dad, father in law etc.
My Dad and FIL are just as bad. FIL once took loads of stuff out of our cellar to the dump including all my eldest two children's story books from when they were toddlers.
My Dad will throw out the contents of my fridge and replace with his favoured brands.

Lies on the sofa. Moans. Eats.
I do not invite her.

I know where you’re coming from OP. I have a new baby and my own mum is great at finding household tasks to do and generally being a support. MIL just wants to hold the baby, coo over her and take photos.