Totally different people

[Tally23]

Not sure what to do. 3 years together. I brought my 2 girls up alone for 9 years, he had only just split from his wife when we met- he lied about how long.
He’s a lovely man in many ways. However, he has depression, something I always knew and try hard to support him with.
He is always so unhappy though- either quiet and distant or actively annoyed. He doesn’t tell me anything about his life. Last week he had a really crap time at work and broke down. We had a long chat and he really opened up. I felt like we’d had a breakthrough and for a couple of days he was warm and really kind. Since then it’s been distance again. I have a child at uni and one in year 6. My DD really annoys him and tonight he had a rant about how loud I am and how her and I get up at 9am at the weekend and ‘cackle’ or before work and it really annoys him. Our laughing pisses him off, if I sing he is horrible and tells me I’m too loud. I feel he hates all the things he used to love about me. He has no interests other than drinking lager and watching Footie. There have been times when he has got drunk and been awful; screaming at me, calling me a ct, being so drunk he passes out. All over a year ago now but it still upsets me.
Today he was angry because he says he doesn’t know what to get me for Xmas. He got me nothing for my birthday, despite me getting him loads of things I knew he’d love.
I am a really happy person, I feel like I was a successful single mum and I’m professionally in a great place. He hates his job, is stressed about everything at home, doesn’t want to get a mortgage with me, is still married with no sign of a divorce after 4 years, he won’t make plans with me at all. He talks loads about getting fit and changing his life but he stills downs about 50+ units a week and drinks every day.
This is so rambling but he went to bed at 8.30 last night, I have been on my own with my daughter all day as he didn’t want to come out. I’ve cooked tea, changed the bed and he fell asleep in the chair at 7.30 then got angry with me because I changed the TV channel. He’s gone to bed now after telling me how annoying I am and how loud I am.
I’m so bloody fed up.
If I say anything he says, ‘ I guess I’m such a ct that I’ve upset you again, I’ll just shut my mouth shall I?’, it’s always about him. I’m actually really lonely- far more than I was on my own. I feel like after being alone for so many years, I can’t thrown this away but surely it’s not too much to expect some warmth and fun?
Thanks for reading...

Oh my god, throw it away!! It is so not worth having!!

It sounds like your life would be lovely if he wasn’t in it making you miserable

I honestly can't understand what on earth you're doing with this man. He's horrible to you, and worst of all he is horrible to your child. Think about the terrible example this is setting for her. Kick him out NOW.

It started on a lie, is punctuated by misery and name calling with active dislike directed at happy moments you share with your daughter. Why would you keep this.

Shakes head🤦🏼‍♀️

Wow.

Tell him to leave. Now.

@ChickensMightFly

It started on a lie, is punctuated by misery and name calling with active dislike directed at happy moments you share with your daughter. Why would you keep this.

This with bells on.

Get rid now. Why would you do anything else? Total waste of space

This can't be serious. You are really asking for advice as to what to do?

No way. What are you doing?

I am a really happy person, I feel like I was a successful single mum and I’m professionally in a great place.

Why, why, why are you putting up with this useless man?

he has depression, something I always knew and try hard to support him with.

Again, why? I'm not saying depressed people don't deserve relationships - but you do not present your depression as a problem for a new partner to fix. It was never your problem and it was a complete waste of your time and energy to make it your business.

You were happy before him. He's not making your life better. Surely you can see what you need to do?

(If nothing else, you need to retain your children's respect for you ...)

My eldest daughter has struggled with respecting me because of how he’s behaved and what she has heard him say to me. If you met me, you would never believe that I’d put up with this. I don’t know what I’m getting out of this at all but there’s a part of me that cannot bear the thought of being alone again. It was so so hard when the kids were little and I really wanted to be in a relationship after so long on my own. He just hates it when I have fun with them- when I’m daft and loud but that’s me! I am with him because I know I’ll feel such a failure to be alone again. I’m so crap at relationships! Other people seem to get it right but I just can’t!

I really do think you will be so much happier without him!

He hates it when you have fun with your kids and the relationship has cost you your dd respect, this is just heart breaking!
I can understand not wanting to be alone, but this isn't better than that! The kids aren't small anymore it wouldn't be the same.

God why don't you just try being on your own?? Its not that bad doing what you like when you like surely?
What message are you showing your girls??

It isn't a failure to not have a partner. Find something else to hang your self esteem on if you can. This can only get worse as your children will pull away from your home (with him in it) when they are old enough to do so and this is what you're left with, someone who curls their lip when you let fun you out of the box!

How can being single possibly be worse than this nightmare you're living in? You are throwing your life away.

OP men might come and go - but you have two daughters, who you've brought up alone. Don't you want to have decent relationships with them going forward? And with any grandchildren you may eventually have? You have such a loooong future with them, and it needs to be nurtured now if you want it to grow.

And yet this man actually wants you to be without them! You've supported him but he wants to completely destroy your most important relationships.

Wake up!

If you won’t end it and throw him out for you, please do it for your daughter

How can you inflict this guy on her?

He must be pulling you down so much
How can you not think you’d be better off without him?

But even if there were any redeeming features of the relationship - which, I’m sorry to say doesn’t sound like there is - you really need to put your children first

This stood out to me @Tally23

"and I really wanted to be in a relationship after so long on my own. ... I am with him because I know I’ll feel such a failure to be alone again. I’m so crap at relationships! Other people seem to get it right but I just can’t!

It is not a failure to not be in a romantic relationship, although when this is a deeply held belief about your self it can be hard to adjust that perspective.
First thing to learn to be 'better' at relationships is to recognise when it's not a good one. Everything you've said about this situation is that you are with this man for the sake of having a man in your life. As everyone has said and you also know you would be happier without him.

It would be useful to get some counselling, work through why your perspectives on relationships are what they are and figure out how to do it differently next time.

Your most important relationships are with your daughters, and it sounds like you have good ones with them (this man being the fly in the ointment), so you are not 'crap' at relationships, have just chosen a crap man.
Chuck him away, don't settle for someone who doesn't bring joy into your life next time.
I think you know all this, but sometimes we all need permission to make a big decision. You knew everyone here would say LTB, and that's what you came on to hear.
💪 you can do it!

@bumpertobumper
You have hit the nail on the head. I had a very tricky teenage life, was a carer for my brother, left home at 16 and paid my own way through Uni. My daughters’ dad left me when our first was 2, we reconciled when she was 5 and he left again when I was 9 weeks pregnant with DD2. I never dated, I have always worked full time and dedicated every minute to my girls. When I met my DP I had little confidence and he seemed genuine and kind but he’s far more complex and negative than I ever imagined. It is all bound up 100% with my poor self esteem and lack of boundaries. I think I have just been trying so hard to make this work. My relationship with the kids is my priority, it always has been but I’d hoped to add to our life with someone who cared about me. This isn’t it.

That is so unfair for you. You sound like an amazing woman that anyone would be lucky to be part of a family with. I'm angry on your behalf that he is trampling on what you have built and adding no value of his own like this. Thank goodness those girls have you in their corner, if you had a partner who matched you for commitment and life affirming support you'd be flying. I hope you can escape this drag and focus on the people in your life who give instead of take and I hope your daughter's recognise your efforts so can understand what this was about.
Just remember it is a lot easier to pull someone down than to haul someone up and you've been trying to fight that for long enough, no-one can say you quit too soon.

I think all you need to do is read what you've written and you'll have your answer OP.