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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Totally different people

67 replies

Tally23 · 06/12/2020 21:26

Not sure what to do. 3 years together. I brought my 2 girls up alone for 9 years, he had only just split from his wife when we met- he lied about how long.
He’s a lovely man in many ways. However, he has depression, something I always knew and try hard to support him with.
He is always so unhappy though- either quiet and distant or actively annoyed. He doesn’t tell me anything about his life. Last week he had a really crap time at work and broke down. We had a long chat and he really opened up. I felt like we’d had a breakthrough and for a couple of days he was warm and really kind. Since then it’s been distance again. I have a child at uni and one in year 6. My DD really annoys him and tonight he had a rant about how loud I am and how her and I get up at 9am at the weekend and ‘cackle’ or before work and it really annoys him. Our laughing pisses him off, if I sing he is horrible and tells me I’m too loud. I feel he hates all the things he used to love about me. He has no interests other than drinking lager and watching Footie. There have been times when he has got drunk and been awful; screaming at me, calling me a ct, being so drunk he passes out. All over a year ago now but it still upsets me.
Today he was angry because he says he doesn’t know what to get me for Xmas. He got me nothing for my birthday, despite me getting him loads of things I knew he’d love.
I am a really happy person, I feel like I was a successful single mum and I’m professionally in a great place. He hates his job, is stressed about everything at home, doesn’t want to get a mortgage with me, is still married with no sign of a divorce after 4 years, he won’t make plans with me at all. He talks loads about getting fit and changing his life but he stills downs about 50+ units a week and drinks every day.
This is so rambling but he went to bed at 8.30 last night, I have been on my own with my daughter all day as he didn’t want to come out. I’ve cooked tea, changed the bed and he fell asleep in the chair at 7.30 then got angry with me because I changed the TV channel. He’s gone to bed now after telling me how annoying I am and how loud I am.
I’m so bloody fed up.
If I say anything he says, ‘ I guess I’m such a ct that I’ve upset you again, I’ll just shut my mouth shall I?’, it’s always about him. I’m actually really lonely- far more than I was on my own. I feel like after being alone for so many years, I can’t thrown this away but surely it’s not too much to expect some warmth and fun?
Thanks for reading...

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/12/2020 07:01

It's not failing to be single, but it is to be in a shit relationship just for the sake of it. Would you want your daughter to be with someone who treated her like this?

aeiouaeiouaeiou · 07/12/2020 07:06

One thing sprung to mind when I read this, cocklodger. Please if you can, end this. Set an example to those lovely children that it's never ok to be treated without love and respect in a relationship. I hope you can find a way to end this. You deserve better.

CodenameVillanelle · 07/12/2020 07:07

Jesus! Being alone is not a bad thing and being with someone like this is 100000x worse than being alone could ever be.
He's damaged your relationship with your older child and he's working on doing the same to your younger and you're still saying you don't want to be alone? Wake up!

Bananalanacake · 07/12/2020 07:13

Do you live together, if so is it your house,if he doesn't pay towards mortgage can he leave.

BeepBoopBop · 07/12/2020 07:52

Firstly, you are most definitely not a failure. Reading your posts, you come through as strong, resilient, intelligent, loving and kind. You do seem to have a blind spot where men are concerned and you are vulnerable to shits. Maybe because you have made such a success of everything from nothing, you think you can do the same with relationships? I don't know. But what I do know is that you must get rid of this piece of crap that is dragging you and your family down. It's impacting you all and will impact your children's lives in future relationships. Please find the confidence to stride out on your own and enjoy your life without hindrance
by this blob of mould.

strangertimes · 07/12/2020 08:01

This isn’t it. You risk ruining your relationship with your girls. Surround yourself with friends and laughter. This is crap. Get out. He’s no good for you

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 08:03

He brings lies and abuse to your relationship.. Your dd must be very frustrated having to see this is your life.
Ltb op.
Or 2021 will be worse... He will drag you down.

Eckhart · 07/12/2020 08:14

I am with him because I know I’ll feel such a failure to be alone again. I’m so crap at relationships! Other people seem to get it right but I just can’t

This is the belief that will keep you endlessly in poor relationships that don't meet your needs. Nobody is good at a relationship with the wrong person. You're not crap at relationships; you just don't leave when you notice that the relationship is being crap with you.

Being alone isn't a failure, and doing it successfully and happily is a feat that many never achieve. Google single celebrities. If it's good enough for Kristen Scott Thomas, why isn't it good enough for you? Do you see her as a failure?

GruffyLove · 07/12/2020 08:17

Gosh OP. You are not a failure!! Look at everything you’ve achieved!! He needs to be out of your life. As a daughter of an alcoholic I ask you do it for your daughters if you won’t do it for yourself

ChickensMightFly · 07/12/2020 09:15

@Eckhart

I am with him because I know I’ll feel such a failure to be alone again. I’m so crap at relationships! Other people seem to get it right but I just can’t

This is the belief that will keep you endlessly in poor relationships that don't meet your needs. Nobody is good at a relationship with the wrong person. You're not crap at relationships; you just don't leave when you notice that the relationship is being crap with you.

Being alone isn't a failure, and doing it successfully and happily is a feat that many never achieve. Google single celebrities. If it's good enough for Kristen Scott Thomas, why isn't it good enough for you? Do you see her as a failure?

Totally true. When you are with a lovely person who is capable of being a good partner (someone like yourself... Imagine being in a relationship with yourself, it would be a doddle wouldn't it... Care and respect flowing your way without major effort on your part) the relationship is almost effortless, it isn't that more spade work is required and that somehow, mysteriously, other people can do more shoveling than you, you're just digging in the wrong place!

It isn't fair that the ripple effect and consequences of your early life are still playing out to affect things now, because you have really done a hurculean effort to create a beautiful life for you and your family despite this initial handicap, so it is really unjust this remaining glitch is causing you issues. When the final tally is in I hope you can look back and see that you rose above your beginnings and a ton of credit is due. Chin up op you are not a failure.

Eckhart · 07/12/2020 09:21

Imagine being in a relationship with yourself, it would be a doddle wouldn't it... Care and respect flowing your way without major effort on your part

I suspect that care and respect for herself is actually what OP lacks, otherwise she wouldn't be in this situation. It's fixable though, OP, don't worry!

runningthrougharedlight · 07/12/2020 10:20

Chickens, I think that’s a terrific way to look at things - imagine you were in a relationship with yourself and how great that would be. OP, you strike me as being bloody awesome and anything but a failure. This person is draining the life from you, you’re hanging on in there for the moment but can you imagine another 5, 10, 15 years+ like this?

Original poster
Tally23 · 07/12/2020 18:49

@ChickensMightFly that is lovely. I hope I am all those things. I think I project what I want into people who can’t be what I’d like them to be. Does that make sense? Christmas will be crunch time. Will he step up? I live him and his kids, especially his daughter who loves being with us and has said what fun it is to be with us all. I know I can’t continue like this, that’s for sure. Thank you all for virtually listening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tally23 · 07/12/2020 18:52

I’ve just read all your comments. Great advice and insightful. Thank you all again.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/12/2020 18:59

My DD really annoys him and tonight he had a rant about how loud I am and how her and I get up at 9am at the weekend and ‘cackle’ or before work and it really annoys him. Our laughing pisses him off, if I sing he is horrible and tells me I’m too loud

Jesus, get rid of him. For the fact he can't stand your daughter. And the rest. But that one thing should be more than enough.

Opentooffers · 07/12/2020 19:34

You've got an alcoholic, whose depressed. Great catch, don't you think you and your DC deserve more? I can't believe you e moved him in with you under the circumstances, it's good you don't share a mortgage, simple to kick him out. Tell him you are done.
The reason some people seem to have more success with relationships, is because they passed quicker on the duds, to get to the good ones. He's a dud, you are wasting far too much time with him, which is making your goals more distant. I bet his ex is feeling well rid of him. I had a GF of an ex send me a letter complaining about all my ex's flaws - I thought, yes, that's why I dumped him years ago, now why would anyone start something with such a poor specimen? Why did you? He has no redeeming features from what you describe.

Opentooffers · 07/12/2020 19:41

I also suspect you might be too much of a 'fixer'. Consider the man you start with, as being the finished article, any flaws he has at the start will continue to be, plus, you can also expect there will be a few more to add over the years.
If things aren't right to begin with, it's always going to be wrong, it's not your job to sort a man out, it won't work, so stop trying.

category12 · 07/12/2020 19:45

It's better to be a "failure at relationships" than fail your dd by showing her
a. that being with a man who doesn't like her is more important to you than she is,
and b. a shit model of relationships - would you want her to recreate this in her own future?

katy1213 · 07/12/2020 19:55

The only failure would be failing to chuck him out of your life. He's a joy-sucking leech. He's not depressed, he's a nasty-tempered alcoholic.
Is it your house? You could pack his bags and be shut of him by Christmas - a lovely, happy, noisy Christmas!

ravenmum · 07/12/2020 19:57

He's the one failing at this relationship. The best Christmas present you could get would be the chance to cackle with your daughter, as long and as loudly as you like, without him being around to get annoyed. A good cackle with your daughter beats a crappy boyfriend hands down.

Eckhart · 07/12/2020 20:03

Christmas will be crunch time. Will he step up

No! Because if wanted to step up, he'd be stepping up now!

Recognise that he is never going to be the man you want him to be.

SarahBellam · 07/12/2020 20:04

Just because you’re depressed doesn’t mean you’re not also a twat. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic twat. They booze is doing his depression no good at all which doesn’t help, but mainly you just have a boyfriend who is a weapon’s grade twat. Life is way too short to saddle yourself with a man who makes you unhappy. Bin him, sing as much as you like with your daughter, get up early, live the way you want to live, not the way some depressed, hungover, alcoholic wants you to live.

Aminuts23 · 07/12/2020 20:12

OP you need to sort this out. Do you know how damaging it is as a child / teenager to be around someone who is constantly pissed off? Hoping and praying that you can do or say something/anything that will get that adult to relax or smile or be kind?
The damage that does to a child is not just in that moment. It’s not in the days or weeks that follow. It is Life Long damage. It will affect your children’s self esteem and confidence. They’ll likely go into adulthood trying to please everyone and putting up with all kinds of crap to avoid conflict at any cost to them.
Get them out of this situation right now. Not after seeing how Christmas goes. Give your children some breathing space to recover from this and enjoy a relaxed and happy home before they venture into adulthood. Being single is not a failure. Your duty is to protect your children. If this continues any longer they will look back and blame you entirely and without question. This man is not even their parent, he is your choice and who you have brought into their home that should be their safe haven. This is not a happy home life for them. It’s miserable for them, and you

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/12/2020 20:52

[quote Tally23]@ChickensMightFly that is lovely. I hope I am all those things. I think I project what I want into people who can’t be what I’d like them to be. Does that make sense? Christmas will be crunch time. Will he step up? I live him and his kids, especially his daughter who loves being with us and has said what fun it is to be with us all. I know I can’t continue like this, that’s for sure. Thank you all for virtually listening.[/quote]
Do you understand the damage it does to kids to live with a man like him? Why is your bar so low that you think it's acceptable to keep a man like him in your kids lives? You need to think about it and really dissect that otherwise this may well happen again in future relationships. You are currently showing your lovely, funny, playful daughter that your relationship with this man is what a relationship is supposed to look like. Are you comfortable with that being her blueprint for her own relationships as an adult?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/12/2020 20:53

Seriously, this man is angered by the sound of you and your daughter being happy in your own home. Really think about that. Does that seem like someone who should be in your life?!

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