Totally different people

[Tally23]

Not sure what to do. 3 years together. I brought my 2 girls up alone for 9 years, he had only just split from his wife when we met- he lied about how long.
He’s a lovely man in many ways. However, he has depression, something I always knew and try hard to support him with.
He is always so unhappy though- either quiet and distant or actively annoyed. He doesn’t tell me anything about his life. Last week he had a really crap time at work and broke down. We had a long chat and he really opened up. I felt like we’d had a breakthrough and for a couple of days he was warm and really kind. Since then it’s been distance again. I have a child at uni and one in year 6. My DD really annoys him and tonight he had a rant about how loud I am and how her and I get up at 9am at the weekend and ‘cackle’ or before work and it really annoys him. Our laughing pisses him off, if I sing he is horrible and tells me I’m too loud. I feel he hates all the things he used to love about me. He has no interests other than drinking lager and watching Footie. There have been times when he has got drunk and been awful; screaming at me, calling me a ct, being so drunk he passes out. All over a year ago now but it still upsets me.
Today he was angry because he says he doesn’t know what to get me for Xmas. He got me nothing for my birthday, despite me getting him loads of things I knew he’d love.
I am a really happy person, I feel like I was a successful single mum and I’m professionally in a great place. He hates his job, is stressed about everything at home, doesn’t want to get a mortgage with me, is still married with no sign of a divorce after 4 years, he won’t make plans with me at all. He talks loads about getting fit and changing his life but he stills downs about 50+ units a week and drinks every day.
This is so rambling but he went to bed at 8.30 last night, I have been on my own with my daughter all day as he didn’t want to come out. I’ve cooked tea, changed the bed and he fell asleep in the chair at 7.30 then got angry with me because I changed the TV channel. He’s gone to bed now after telling me how annoying I am and how loud I am.
I’m so bloody fed up.
If I say anything he says, ‘ I guess I’m such a ct that I’ve upset you again, I’ll just shut my mouth shall I?’, it’s always about him. I’m actually really lonely- far more than I was on my own. I feel like after being alone for so many years, I can’t thrown this away but surely it’s not too much to expect some warmth and fun?
Thanks for reading...

An abusive alcoholic who doesn't like your child and hates you being happy/laughing.

What on earth are you waiting for? Don't ruin the relationship with your girls that you worked so hard on all those years. Show them what self-respect looks like and dump the cretin.

Listening to Woman's Hour just now there was a good discussion about being in a couple which reminded me of this thread. It's about 25ish minutes in, I think it would be interesting for you OP.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000q3lc

I agree with PPS. Anybody who is in a position to say 'My happiness infuriates my partner' needs to re-assess their relationship, and their priorities.

You don't have to choose difficult people.
Choose someone life-affirming.
Choose someone who is in your corner.

It's not on you to have to do all the hard work and the caring.
It's a credit and testimony to you as a decent person and a good partner but damn- treat YOURSELF better than this.

@Eckhart

I agree with PPS. Anybody who is in a position to say 'My happiness infuriates my partner' needs to re-assess their relationship, and their priorities.

Yup. Based on what OP has said, this situation is a result of the priority being 'to be in a relationship' and to 'not fail'. If the priority was to 'not walk on eggsehlls in own home' or 'daughter to know someone who pulls you down shouldn't be given space in your life' it wouldn't take much thinking about. Fear of being alone/failure is no small thing. I don't think anyone posting here is wishing to minimise OP's fears but rather for her to see she is worth more than she knows and protecting your worth from someone who also doesn't see it is not failure.

Other people "get it right" in part by not putting up with absolute shit like this. As well as it being better to be alone than in bad company, it means they are free when the right person does arrive.

Come on, OP, you were single in the hardest time, it can't be that scary to be single now. A relationship is supposed to make your life happier.

Hello OP, you sound lovely and many wouldn't have been able to overcome the odds you faced. You have two lovely daughters, who you raised all by yourself to be independent and successful women, a house and a career. You stand on your own two feet, you've achieved all this by yourself. You're a very strong woman!
So why is this waste of space of a man still in your house? He sounds downright hateful and intent on destroying every last bit of joy in your life.
He will not step up at Christmas! You've let the Grinch on steroids dictate whether you can laugh, breathe or sneeze in your own house. He will have a ball spreading misery every which way he can, relishing every minute of it.
He doesn't like you, hates your daughter(s) and will do everything to spoil the mood. What is this horrid leech adding to your life? Why are you letting him destroy your relationship with your daughters bit by bit (oh yes, that's the pathetic masterplan!).
Give yourself and your daughters a lovely Christmas gift and chuck him out now.

So sorry to hear you are stuck in a rut. This is no way to live. You recognise that you only have him around for companionship and to prove to yourself that you can hold down a relationship.

Ask yourself if all this heartache and stress is worthwhile, just to be seen as someone who has everything together superficially.
Wouldn’t it be better to be free? Free of the insults, free of stress and free of judgments from others? Yes you may believe that people will talk if you kick him out, but they may be secretly praising you at how brave you are! Yes it may be scary to start with being all by yourself. But you are obviously a very capable woman, you have to trust yourself that you can do better than what you have now.

You ought to start dating, plenty of funny witty people out there.
Improve yourself, get healthier, fitter, happier. Meet more people and have more hobbies. Be more active in the local community, be heard and be seen. Someone likeminded and most importantly KIND will come along eventually.
Personal advice: as I don’t have the capacity and stamina to mend or look after someone mentally ill (clinic depression, anxiety etc), I am unsuitable to be in a relationship with anyone who suffers chronic mental issues as I may do more harm than good or get myself hurt in the process of trying to help. I suggest you evaluate your ability to handle established depression cases in potential men and proceed with caution from now on.

What an awful example you are setting for your daughter. Bin the alcoholic abusive creep if not for yourself, for your child.

As someone who left a grumpy alcoholic nearly a year ago, I can tell you how wonderful life can be without them. Be brave and do it! Thank goodness you don’t have kids together or a joint mortgage.

I notice the mention of "failure"...what does that even mean? Binning off a miserable situation that isn't going to improve? Is that not a huge success?

Failure is when you call your partner a c**t after you've been together a year and a half.

Not sure what to do.

I and almost any other person can be pretty damn sure what you should do - RUN FOR THE HILLS. Why are you putting up with this? You and your DC will be SOOOO much happier without this total jerk fcking up your lives and making them a misery.

Years of being a great mother thrown under a bus for an abusive depressive alcoholic.

Your poor daughters.

You don't need to wait until after Christmas and I think you know what you need to do. For the sake of the relationship with both of your daughters, you need to end it. Yes, you might love him (fuck knows why?!) and his daughter, but you need to put your own two above him and his daughter. He has dragged you right down. Get rid and be free to laugh when you want again!

Leave and be a happy single mum

Please leave.....I raised my daughter primarily alone as I didn't want another man living with us whilst I raised her. I had a longterm boyfriend who, at the time, was kind, caring and good with us all. My boundaries were good and high and still are. Living without at partner and raising strong girls with a mum who shows good leadership, boundaries and is a teacher of how you must be treated is priceless. Your girls will and are suffering watching this man destroy your life. Teach them that this is not acceptable. Teach them that being without a partner is a good life choice. Teach them the boundaries with men. Teach them today.