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Original poster

What would you do in my situation? I wanted to proceed, he is unsure

72 replies

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 11:15

I met a lovely man on Tinder about a month ago. We've spent all weekend together for 4 weekends in a row. A bit of texting during the week as well. We've had a fab time together, a lot of laughing, chemistry and interesting conversations, too.

I started to feel myself falling for him a little and so I told him I was starting to get a crush on him and asked him if he thought we were just casual or if he felt the same.

His response was: I enjoy being with you a lot, the sex is amazing, and you are awesome but I am not ready for a relationship. And we've only seen each other 4 times. I'm not sure. If you want to date other people that's fine. I appreciate you telling me. We can continue seeing each other but maybe more as friends. You're the only person I'm seeing and perhaps we shouldn't have sex again until we're sure about one another."

I thanked him and then said, that's fine, I will date other people in that case.

He apologised for hurting me and said he had no idea I was attached already.

I said that's fine, he didn't hurt me, and I'll just focus on meeting someone new and not to worry.

He wrote to me that this is his problem and that on one hand, he wants to be in love and loves the idea, but on the other hand he doesn't want to fall in love and it scares him so he puts up walls.

Then he said:

"We can be friends, and if some day you want more than that with me, I would definitely say yes because I really like you. But I don't believe myself capable of falling in love and I'm still closed off to it. I hope you understand."

What would you do?

I have feelings for this person and I wondered if I was patient, persisted and built a friendship then it could turn into something more. (We have only seen each other 4 times.) I felt like this was what he was possibly suggesting.

But part of me wonders if I should run in the other direction and focus on meeting someone new. And not contact him again. Because I am smitten unfortunately.

I know he had a bad break up a couple of years ago but that's a while back.

I went on another Tinder date today and found it a little depressing because I felt no connection with the person sitting opposite me, whereas I have a connection with this guy.

I'm 36 and he's 32.

OP posts:
MrBloomsLeftVeg · 06/12/2020 11:17

The first guy has been honest. I wouldn't hang around on the off chance. He's got the hallmarks of someone who will leave you on the hook as a back up

Aussiebean · 06/12/2020 11:20

At 36 what are you plans? Marriage, children?

I wouldn’t waste your time on a ‘if I just change my behaviour he will finally see me as relationship material’ there is zero guarantee of that.

Take him at his word. He is not interested in falling in love with you and move on.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 11:23

@Aussiebean

At 36 what are you plans? Marriage, children?

I wouldn’t waste your time on a ‘if I just change my behaviour he will finally see me as relationship material’ there is zero guarantee of that.

Take him at his word. He is not interested in falling in love with you and move on.

OK thanks for the input.

I am not sure if I want kids (I'm tending towards not having them) but I would like to get married some day.

OP posts:
ChristmasWitch · 06/12/2020 11:24

I think he's backtracked slightly to keep you on the back burner just in case. He knows you have feelings for him so would likely jump at the chance of another weekend together down the line, after which he'll remind you he doesn't want to fall in love. I'd pass on this one.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 06/12/2020 11:25

Walk away, you want different things.

LivingMyBestLife2020 · 06/12/2020 11:26

Move on. It’s not worth getting attached. Trust me

CoffeeRunner · 06/12/2020 11:29

Yes, he’s being honest & you need to respect that really. I’ve been in your situation & it isn’t easy to let someone go when you’ve got feelings for them - but much better now than another 6 or 12 months down the line.

As others have said, you want different things at this point in time.

FuckThisBullshit · 06/12/2020 11:31

Don't get attached to someone who is emotionally unavailable. I made that mistake - it has absolutely destroyed me. Date someone who knows what he wants and has the same dreams as you. Cut him loose.

mena51 · 06/12/2020 11:36

No don't do it. I was in a very similar situation and it's NOT going to work out the way you want it to. You're lucky you're only a month in, please don't let it drag on. He's made it clear, listen to him. Don't invest any more of your time and energy in him, don't be friends. JUST WALK AWAY.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 11:37

OK thank you Mumsnet people. Every message I read is like banging another nail in the coffin of this new connection. I know I need to hear it.

OP posts:
Springfern · 06/12/2020 11:37

Run

gannett · 06/12/2020 11:39

A month and four dates isn't really enough to know where you stand with a new person. He's been honest about that and his general emotional barriers.

Those emotional barriers aren't that uncommon and they don't mean someone can't make a good partner. If you have the time and inclination to enjoy the relationship in the moment and take things slow, men like that can end up proving some of the most devoted and loyal partners. But if you want to get on with things quickly (settling down, kids?), he's not the one for that.

notsurewhattodo22 · 06/12/2020 11:39

Same! Absolutely destroyed me falling for someone EU and was flip flapping.

Run.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/12/2020 11:42

Walk away. You want different things. He’s being honest. Don’t end up as one of those women who, a year or so down the line, is upset that her bf still won’t commit, when he’s been clear right from the off he doesn’t think he wants to.

Sadlonely67 · 06/12/2020 11:42

Nah he’s not feeling it and he’s being very polite about it. Read between the lines.

Protect your heart and move on.

There will be bad dates but don’t let that push you back into bed with this one.

Take care Flowers

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 11:43

@gannett

A month and four dates isn't really enough to know where you stand with a new person. He's been honest about that and his general emotional barriers.

Those emotional barriers aren't that uncommon and they don't mean someone can't make a good partner. If you have the time and inclination to enjoy the relationship in the moment and take things slow, men like that can end up proving some of the most devoted and loyal partners. But if you want to get on with things quickly (settling down, kids?), he's not the one for that.

I had the same thoughts, too....that maybe if I took it slow and developed a friendship over a period of months, we could see later on. I could give it a timeframe and then walk away if there was no progression.

I already made it clear that if we were friends there would be no physical contact or relationship.

But the problem is that I already have feelings for this person. So would a friendship even be possible? And I think I'd be the one to initiate it and do the legwork because of his barriers.

OP posts:
Eesha · 06/12/2020 11:44

It depends what you want out of life, be it kids or marriage etc. My partner had a terrible breakup years back and told me he felt emotionally unavailable generally. He wanted us to take it slowly as he still wanted us to see each other. Things have blossomed but then I already have kids myself and there was no urgency on my side. I just knew a good thing when I saw it in him. But if I wanted a family etc, I would have cut loose.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/12/2020 11:45

I don’t think he’s unreasonable tbh - four dates is nothing and I’d also be a bit hesitant to commit to anything so soon.

TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 11:46

You will still be in this situation with him years from now, as a regular shag with no commitment from him. The minute he DOES fall in love with someone, he'll dump you like a shot.

End things now. Your future self will thank you.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 11:50

@TwentyViginti

You will still be in this situation with him years from now, as a regular shag with no commitment from him. The minute he DOES fall in love with someone, he'll dump you like a shot.

End things now. Your future self will thank you.

OK thanks.

If we saw one another again, there would be no shagging. I'd only have sex with him again if he decided he wanted to be in a relationship with me.

But, do I even want to take the risk given that I already have a massive crush on him?

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 11:50

But the problem is that I already have feelings for this person. So would a friendship even be possible? And I think I'd be the one to initiate it and do the legwork because of his barriers.

Barriers my arse. Don't do the pick me dance in an effort to 'woo' him.

Do you really want to carry the burden of doing all the legwork for a 'friendship' with an ex short term shag?

Neolara · 06/12/2020 11:52

I think he's made it perfectly clear that while he's happy to sleep with you, he doesn't want a proper relationship and even though he is not with anyone else now, he will also be actively looking around for other women to sleep with / develop a relationship with. You just need to decide if you are happy with being with him on these terms. (I am old and cannot understand why anyone would be prepared to put up with this shit. But I appreciate that things are different these days.)

willsa · 06/12/2020 11:56

"Emotional barriers"... Yeah,right...For a single, unmarried, childless, man of 32! Lough out loud!
He's not that that into you and has made that clear. He feels he is too young to settle or at least other prospects excite him, so he wants to keep on playing the field.
OP, unfortunately there are only 2 scenarios for you :you stay in touch and watch him meet "the one" after prolonged period of messing you about. Or, after the same prolonged period of messing you about, he decides to settle for you (lack of other offers) and you gain a resentful, disinterested, selfish partner.
OR the third option is : cut all contact and find someone compatible. In this case, that's someone who fancies you like mad!

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 11:57

OK, so it looks like the wisest thing to do would be to just delete his number. If he gets in touch in a "friendly" way again, just tell him, something along the lines of, we're looking for different things. I'm looking for a relationship, you're closed off to one. So it isn't going to work. I wish you well.

I have had a lot of trauma and upsets in my life in the past. I don't need to create difficult emotional situations for myself. My last relationship ended badly. I don't know if I have the emotional fortitude to be in a situation like this.

I have a lot of other men on Tinder contacting me and wanting to meet so I am not worried I won't meet someone else.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 12:01

Neolara

I'm in my 60s so 'old' too! I think men get away with behaviour they wouldn't have years ago, as so many younger women strive to be the 'cool girl' now AKA putting up with flaky men, serial shaggers, FWB relationships which are all B with not much F involved, or "sure I'll be just your mate and happily watch you hook up with other women now you've shagged me but don't want a relationship with me".