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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do in my situation? I wanted to proceed, he is unsure

72 replies

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 11:15

I met a lovely man on Tinder about a month ago. We've spent all weekend together for 4 weekends in a row. A bit of texting during the week as well. We've had a fab time together, a lot of laughing, chemistry and interesting conversations, too.

I started to feel myself falling for him a little and so I told him I was starting to get a crush on him and asked him if he thought we were just casual or if he felt the same.

His response was: I enjoy being with you a lot, the sex is amazing, and you are awesome but I am not ready for a relationship. And we've only seen each other 4 times. I'm not sure. If you want to date other people that's fine. I appreciate you telling me. We can continue seeing each other but maybe more as friends. You're the only person I'm seeing and perhaps we shouldn't have sex again until we're sure about one another."

I thanked him and then said, that's fine, I will date other people in that case.

He apologised for hurting me and said he had no idea I was attached already.

I said that's fine, he didn't hurt me, and I'll just focus on meeting someone new and not to worry.

He wrote to me that this is his problem and that on one hand, he wants to be in love and loves the idea, but on the other hand he doesn't want to fall in love and it scares him so he puts up walls.

Then he said:

"We can be friends, and if some day you want more than that with me, I would definitely say yes because I really like you. But I don't believe myself capable of falling in love and I'm still closed off to it. I hope you understand."

What would you do?

I have feelings for this person and I wondered if I was patient, persisted and built a friendship then it could turn into something more. (We have only seen each other 4 times.) I felt like this was what he was possibly suggesting.

But part of me wonders if I should run in the other direction and focus on meeting someone new. And not contact him again. Because I am smitten unfortunately.

I know he had a bad break up a couple of years ago but that's a while back.

I went on another Tinder date today and found it a little depressing because I felt no connection with the person sitting opposite me, whereas I have a connection with this guy.

I'm 36 and he's 32.

OP posts:

willsa · 06/12/2020 12:01

Online dating is tough. It's easy come, (and should be) easy go! Let these things he's told you to be the red flags you need to cut him off. Make it your decision!

Reciprocal love is that rare thing we're all looking for. It would be easy otherwise!! Remind yourself, you're not only looking for someone you fancy, another important factor in the ideal man is that he fancies you! There will be no doubt when you find that. Block! Next!

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 12:14

OK. I'm going to let this one go and if he gets in touch again remind him we're after different things, I have no interest in being friends, and say goodbye.

Thank you all for the input.

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 12:17

You won't regret giving him the heave OP. Onwards and upwards!

WhatKatyDidNxt · 06/12/2020 12:24

Sorry to hear this but l agree with most people on this thread. It all sounds like hard work and he’s hedging his bets, it does seem like he trying to keep you on the back burner. You’re better than someone’s fall back or “ok for now”

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 12:26

@TwentyViginti

You won't regret giving him the heave OP. Onwards and upwards!

Thank you. Feels bloody painful...I'm not quite sure how after only 4 weekends together.

OP posts:

Batshitkerazy · 06/12/2020 12:28

Honestly I would walk away. I was in this situation for about 2 years, madly in love with someone who only really wanted a causal FWB arrangement, but dangled the very slightest hint of a relationship carrot to keep me coming back. It was really no way to live and I wish I hadn’t wasted all that time. Find someone who wants a relationship with you right from the word go, there will be plenty out there

Viviennemary · 06/12/2020 12:30

What a chancer. He wants sex without being committed to a proper relationship. And dressing it up with all that psycho babble is pathetic. Don't encourage these types. They've been around since the dawn of time.

TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 12:36

@Batshitkerazy

A lovely lady on a thread here strung along for four years. A poster on the thread strung along for six years.

Amazing how long they can string it out!

Plastichearts · 06/12/2020 12:41

You are doing the right thing. You can’t be friends after you’ve been shagging for four weeks and you already have feelings.

mena51 · 06/12/2020 12:41

I had that carrot dangled in front of me for 4 years too, utterly depressing and I'm still dealing with the consequences. Amazing how they're all the same, OP even some of the things that your guy has said sound familiar to me. Trust that you are actually doing yourself a massive favour.

LittlefairyMum · 06/12/2020 12:47

Delete his number and move on. He's telling you the truth.
Don't waste any more time on him. The man of your dreams could be in the next couple of dates

Opentooffers · 06/12/2020 12:53

I think he might be getting too much credit for his brand of 'honesty'. Whilst lying and claiming to feel the same would of been worse, I suspect he's responsible for some leading on here and misrepresentation. Did his profile say 'nothing serious, just want to date'? If it did, then fair enough, give those a wide birth.
Anyway, glad you've seen sense, either he doesn't want to be exclusive with anyone ( in which case he should make this clear from the start, but I guess he knows he's not going to get a shag that way) or he isn't feeling it with you but trying badly to make it less personal. It's good you asked early on, he's a cheeky fecker though basically saying he wouldn't turn you down as a FWB - stuff that!

Mermaidwaves · 06/12/2020 12:54

OP I had my heart broken this year due to a similar situation and I'm still not over it, walk away now. I heard the same from mine, not ready for a relationship but amazing chemistry. I persisted with it hoping he would come to feel the same as me. He didn't and he ended up meeting 'his one' and I'm still reeling.

When men say they don't want a relationship then listen. If he's happy for you to date other men that means he's dating other women too. Like my guy he's happy enough to sleep with you but doesn't like you enough for a relationship and will still be looking around for other women. Better to walk away now because when they meet someone they care about it can rip your heart out.

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 12:55

@Opentooffers

I think he might be getting too much credit for his brand of 'honesty'. Whilst lying and claiming to feel the same would of been worse, I suspect he's responsible for some leading on here and misrepresentation. Did his profile say 'nothing serious, just want to date'? If it did, then fair enough, give those a wide birth. Anyway, glad you've seen sense, either he doesn't want to be exclusive with anyone ( in which case he should make this clear from the start, but I guess he knows he's not going to get a shag that way) or he isn't feeling it with you but trying badly to make it less personal. It's good you asked early on, he's a cheeky fecker though basically saying he wouldn't turn you down as a FWB - stuff that!

His profile didn't say anything about his intentions. He told me on the first date that he was open to anything, just wanted to see what happened between us.

But when I told him about my crush it seemed to spark a kind of panic and he was very apologetic that this had happened. I didn't share all his messages on here.

I did tell him on the second weekend we spent together that I had to be careful as I fall in love easily through sex. He didn't seem fazed then.

OP posts:

HappygoLucie · 06/12/2020 13:13

Walk away OP. You probably won't feel a connection if you're already dating others. Maybe give it a break for a while and lose the feelings for this man or at least try to let them simmer down.
It sounds like you'd be willing to sacrifice what you want for someone and I can assure you it won't end well if you do. Know your worth and wait until you are really ready to try again.

Osirus · 06/12/2020 13:16

I can feel how disappointed you are OP. It’s not easy to find someone who sparks such excitement.

If it were me, I wouldn’t have laid my heart on the table after only 4 dates. You’re probably right that what you said to him has sent him in a panic. Immature maybe, but I think a lot of 32 year old men are!

I think you’re right not to contact him, and if he decides he really does like you, he’ll let you know. In my experience, men don’t hold back when they know they’re into someone.

Best of luck.

Opentooffers · 06/12/2020 13:17

I think most grown men have worked out that sex is linked to emotional attachment for most women, especially when combined with getting on so well. He would of had an idea, but didn't want to think about it until you mentioned it. Panic shows he has issues, you are better off out of it, he's got emotional baggage that you don't want to be claiming.
Best way to get over him is to block, but maybe have a break from others for a short while, it's hard to connect with others while someone else is still on your mind, as you have found. A few weeks of being with friends and family, then start the NY afresh

Mischance · 06/12/2020 13:19

You cannot make him "in love" with you. He cannot pretend to feel this when he does not. You could use up a massive amount of time trying to get him to the point where you want to be - but why bother?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 06/12/2020 13:21

We can be friends, and if some day you want more than that with me, I would definitely say yes because I really like you. But I don't believe myself capable of falling in love and I'm still closed off to it. I hope you understand."

This doesn't even make any sense. So he can't have a relationship now, but SOMETIME in the future? When will that be?! But he will never love you? Whats the point. People that say shit like that are liars, they're just not interested.

Honeyroar · 06/12/2020 13:23

I don’t think there’s any point dragging this on trying to be friends. You didn’t meet him because you wanted another friend.. It will only hurt you. Sadly it’s time to close the door, lick your wounds and move on. But perhaps take a little breather before going on other dates while you’re still getting over this guy - it’s not fair on the others (done it myself in the past and my heart wasn’t in the right place).

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 13:27

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Yeah, it's a bit of a headfuck when you have feelings for a person to be told this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 13:29

@Osirus

I can feel how disappointed you are OP. It’s not easy to find someone who sparks such excitement.

I think you’re right not to contact him, and if he decides he really does like you, he’ll let you know. In my experience, men don’t hold back when they know they’re into someone.

Best of luck.

Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 13:29

@HappygoLucie

Walk away OP. You probably won't feel a connection if you're already dating others. Maybe give it a break for a while and lose the feelings for this man or at least try to let them simmer down. It sounds like you'd be willing to sacrifice what you want for someone and I can assure you it won't end well if you do. Know your worth and wait until you are really ready to try again.

Actually I'm not at all in a place to sacrifice what I want, this time around. Just haven't got the emotional patience for it.

OP posts:

Pikachubaby · 06/12/2020 13:32

Ahhh sorry but I think you made a mistake maybe by forcing his hand? By making him decide whether he’s in or out, when he was happy with just ambling along for now

On the other hand, you know where you stand and personally I’d back from someone who felt so lukewarm about me

sorry

The nice thing is that you had this connection, and you can find that again with someone else, I’d write this one off

Sssloou · 06/12/2020 13:35

You fall in love easily through sex and

I have had a lot of trauma and upsets in my life in the past. I don't need to create difficult emotional situations for myself. My last relationship ended badly. I don't know if I have the emotional fortitude to be in a situation like this.

None of this surprises me. You should do some work to look at the relationship patterns you have had in your life - and you will see the repeats - it’s all likely related to unresolved trauma. If you work on this trauma your boundaries and self worth will be much clearer and you won’t end up in another disappointing loop.

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