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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do in my situation? I wanted to proceed, he is unsure

72 replies

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 11:15

I met a lovely man on Tinder about a month ago. We've spent all weekend together for 4 weekends in a row. A bit of texting during the week as well. We've had a fab time together, a lot of laughing, chemistry and interesting conversations, too.

I started to feel myself falling for him a little and so I told him I was starting to get a crush on him and asked him if he thought we were just casual or if he felt the same.

His response was: I enjoy being with you a lot, the sex is amazing, and you are awesome but I am not ready for a relationship. And we've only seen each other 4 times. I'm not sure. If you want to date other people that's fine. I appreciate you telling me. We can continue seeing each other but maybe more as friends. You're the only person I'm seeing and perhaps we shouldn't have sex again until we're sure about one another."

I thanked him and then said, that's fine, I will date other people in that case.

He apologised for hurting me and said he had no idea I was attached already.

I said that's fine, he didn't hurt me, and I'll just focus on meeting someone new and not to worry.

He wrote to me that this is his problem and that on one hand, he wants to be in love and loves the idea, but on the other hand he doesn't want to fall in love and it scares him so he puts up walls.

Then he said:

"We can be friends, and if some day you want more than that with me, I would definitely say yes because I really like you. But I don't believe myself capable of falling in love and I'm still closed off to it. I hope you understand."

What would you do?

I have feelings for this person and I wondered if I was patient, persisted and built a friendship then it could turn into something more. (We have only seen each other 4 times.) I felt like this was what he was possibly suggesting.

But part of me wonders if I should run in the other direction and focus on meeting someone new. And not contact him again. Because I am smitten unfortunately.

I know he had a bad break up a couple of years ago but that's a while back.

I went on another Tinder date today and found it a little depressing because I felt no connection with the person sitting opposite me, whereas I have a connection with this guy.

I'm 36 and he's 32.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 13:45

@Sssloou

You fall in love easily through sex and

I have had a lot of trauma and upsets in my life in the past. I don't need to create difficult emotional situations for myself. My last relationship ended badly. I don't know if I have the emotional fortitude to be in a situation like this.

None of this surprises me. You should do some work to look at the relationship patterns you have had in your life - and you will see the repeats - it’s all likely related to unresolved trauma. If you work on this trauma your boundaries and self worth will be much clearer and you won’t end up in another disappointing loop.

I don't need to do the work - I already have done the work!

OP posts:

Misandrylovescompany · 06/12/2020 13:50

To go straight into four whole weekends in a row together is a pretty intense start. I’m not surprised you became emotionally attached. Tbh OP I think there is something you can learn from here - try and take it more slowly with some breathing space in future. If you are someone who falls easily then you need to develop techniques to help you manage that.

TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 13:58

Isn't it the hormone oxytocin that bonds women to men during sex? Makes them 'fall in love'?

TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 14:00

www.yourhormones.info/hormones/oxytocin/

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 06/12/2020 14:09

@Misandrylovescompany

I was surprised when he reacted the way he did, simply because he was the one who drove 1.5 hours to come spend the whole weekend with me, 4 weekends in a row and acted like he was loving every minute. I actually thought he was a bit smitten.

I think the way to avoid this in future, is just, no sex before I know the other person is interested in exploring a long term relationship with me.

OP posts:

fatkitchen · 06/12/2020 14:40

He just wants casual fun.
Tinder isn't exactly known for quality relationships.

BigFatLiar · 06/12/2020 14:48

After four weeks you seem to have come on a bit strong.
He did say he wasn't seeing anyone else but it was your call. You can call him a liar and anything else you want but it sounds as if it was a case of 'whoa this is a bit fast' on his part. Obviously if you're looking for all out commitment from the start he's not the one for you.

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/12/2020 14:59

I met my husband on Tinder and it was intense from the beginning so it can work out BUT this guy has been honest so I think you need to walk away.

Lampan · 06/12/2020 18:39

No. He’s stringing you along and hopes you will agree to no-strings sex cos he is being ‘honest’ with you. If you have fallen for him it’s so hard but you need to walk away, regardless of what you are looking for. It’s not a nice truth but when we meet someone we really like, there wouldn’t even be a question. Even people who don’t seek relationships would probably commit for the right person. And I say this as someone who is very picky and happily single.

lemonsquashie · 06/12/2020 19:41

After a month and four dates with my partner, we made plans for the future; holidays, gigs, meeting friends etc

It's about taking a risk and jumping in whole heartedly because we liked each other enough to want to take a chance

This man doesn't have the guts to put himself out there. We've all been hurt before but we still have to put ourselves out there

category12 · 06/12/2020 20:24

Yeah, he acted all intense to get you hooked. Some guys want casual, but want the women they're involved with to be really invested. It's not enough to have a good time and both be on the same page, they want the ego boost of feeling like they have the emotional power.

GreenlandTheMovie · 06/12/2020 22:04

We've spent all weekend together for 4 weekends in a row.

*He apologised for hurting me and said he had no idea I was attached already.

I'm not sure what he expects to happen in those circumstances, but you met him on Tinder, most guys on Tinder are like this - they are kids in a sweety shop who don't want to give up trying lots of different sweets.

He wants to keep meeting people and having sex with them. I personally find men like that quite off putting. At least I prefer men with more serious hobbies than dating and having sex with different women!

Michaelbaubles · 06/12/2020 22:20

It just seems so mad to me that you’d spend 4 weekends in a row with someone and then be shocked! and amazed! that they “had a crush” - I mean, for me it would go without saying that there was a mutual “crush” to make four weekends in a row even happen!

I have dated in the last few years so I’m not one of those people who are all “thank goodness I’ve been married 20 years lol” but honestly I do NOT UNDERSTAND why people are consistently dating someone and acting like feelings coming into it is strange or unexpected. That’s why you date! And I know there’s casual relationships and FWBs (which are nearly always terrible for women) but dating someone over a period of time and spending lots of time together - why even do that if you’re not thinking it’s going to be a relationship? Maybe a short one, that’s fine, you don’t need to be thinking marriage, but at least some feelings between you!

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 07/12/2020 01:51

@BigFatLiar

After four weeks you seem to have come on a bit strong. He did say he wasn't seeing anyone else but it was your call. You can call him a liar and anything else you want but it sounds as if it was a case of 'whoa this is a bit fast' on his part. Obviously if you're looking for all out commitment from the start he's not the one for you.

He didn't lie at any point. My best guess is, he wasn't completely sure what he was looking for going into it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 07/12/2020 01:52

@Michaelbaubles

I agree.

OP posts:

Wiredforsound · 07/12/2020 03:53

I suspect he’s probably freaking out a bit. That’s a bit intense after four dates.

joystir59 · 07/12/2020 04:11

I'm capable of having short lust fueled intense relationships that fizzle after a few weeks or months because there isn't anything deeper than physical lust and a shallow curiousity about that person underpinning the connection. Those short relationships were each lovely at the time. Not all connections can last in terms of time. They are what they are.

AnaViaSalamanca · 07/12/2020 09:15

OP you did the right thing. Unfortunately there are many men like this out there. You date, and then there is a bait and switch, and they are not ready for a relationship, they are not in that headspace etc, they downgrade you to a friend (with or without sex, that part is irrelevant). These men don't care as much about sex as the ego stroke and nurturing friendship that a woman can provide. You become to them an amalgam of mother/lover/sister to them

From then on you are screwed. If you distance yourself they subtly dangle the relationship carrot, they drop hints, chase you, get upset if you don't reply, they act like a boyfriend, complete headfuck, then when they are sure you are not going to leave, they act cold again. And then repeat. If they meet someone they really like, you would be dropped like a hot potato.

Keep in mind this situation is not unique and you wouldn't be the first of such friends. Such guys have a whole lot of these "friends" hanging about them waiting and hoping, and the more good looking and successful the guy is, the more of this entourage they would have.

Mermaidwaves · 07/12/2020 18:03

This does seem so common nowadays, men wanting all the benefits of a relationship, but still wanting complete freedom to shag around and have no commitment at all. I don't know what the answer is but every single man I have met online have all been the same. I wish the apps would just disappear so we could go back to traditional dating and the etiquette of some basic decency.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 07/12/2020 19:05

"I don't believe myself capable of falling in love and I'm still closed off to it"

They always tell you the truth at the beginning, you just have to able to hear it and willing to believe it.

nzeire · 07/12/2020 19:18

If you want to be with someone, you make it happen

BigFatLiar · 08/12/2020 08:56

This does seem so common nowadays, men wanting all the benefits of a relationship, but still wanting complete freedom to shag around and have no commitment at all.

To be fair from reading some of the mumsnet threads there seem to be quite a lot of women who like OLD for the same reason. Opportunity to shop around without buying, perhaps it'll happen perhaps it won't, but have fun meanwhile.

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