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Original poster

Fraught friendships

58 replies

Separatedandabitsad · 05/12/2020 23:39

I don’t know where to start as one of the people (Mary) I’m about to write about uses MN regularly so I need to be subtle.

Basically ...

I was great friends with ‘Mike’ from way back. He married ‘Mary’ & after a few teething issues, she & I got on like a house on fire. 6 years later all was not so rosy. Mary & I fell out. Mike continued to make a bit of effort — once every couple of months. But the last time I saw him he really upset me. I tried to tell him & I was even more upset by his dismissive response. I felt he used my traits against me. I told my friend who said I should ‘get over it’ & just meet him again. He wants to meet up soon but I’m still upset & tired of always pretending not to be.

Thoughts? Valid excuses?

There are no excuses these days for not meeting people & I need friends to meet up with but I was upset for weeks after the last time I saw him.

OP posts:
CuppaZa · 05/12/2020 23:41

Depends what he did to upset you

willloman · 05/12/2020 23:41

Well do you want to revisit your hurt feelings or an old friend?
I know which I'd choose, but only you know the answer that will satisfy you.

Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 05/12/2020 23:45

Thanks.

... you see, hearing from or seeing my old friend brings up the hurt feelings ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 09:11

Any other thoughts? This has been stressing me out for a long time.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 06/12/2020 09:13

I don’t think we can give you useful advice without knowing the specifics.

It does sound like you might be better off walking away if it is messy.

Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 09:14

What specifics?Smile

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 06/12/2020 09:14

If you don't want to meet someone, don't meet them.

It's supposed to feel good, not upset you.

ThePlantsitter · 06/12/2020 09:16

It is difficult without knowing the details. But he is married to Mary. He is not going to agree with you in an argument you have with her. So only go if you can enjoy his company without referring to the argument, or probably Mary really.

IrenetheQuaint · 06/12/2020 09:18

Why did he upset you?

Honestly, if his wife dislikes you this is always going to be a difficult friendship.

Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 09:25

I never bring up Mary & never dragged him in to any of that. I don’t think she dislikes me - we had a falling out & I was upset & burnt out so it was for the best, sad as it was. The ball was in her court - I apologised for my side but she didn’t for hers. Disappointing but that’s life!

As for how he upset me, it’s very outing but basically I said something positive about myself & he disagreed & said ‘you’re not like that.’ I brought it up ten minutes later by saying I was upset and he got defensive and snappy. We’re friends for a long long time and I never saw him quite so negative toward me before. Anyhow we brushed it off & talked about other things for another hour but I was upset for weeks. I decided I needed a long break from him. I don’t want to walk away as we’re in a wider group together & have been friends a long time but I’m not ready to see him again ...... but no ideas what I should say!

OP posts:
category12 · 06/12/2020 09:27

I felt he used my traits against me.

What traits?

If you're not enjoying the friendship anymore, then let it go.

Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 09:29

We might have had a cross post @category12 I gave a lot of detail above.

OP posts:
Mamette · 06/12/2020 09:34

You’ll find it hard to continue a friendship with someone whose spouse you’ve “fallen out” with.

Just move on.

strangertimes · 06/12/2020 09:35

You sound like you’re over thinking to be honest. He probably doesn’t even think about you! Let it go

category12 · 06/12/2020 09:39

Yes, cross-posted, sorry OP.

If he's asking to meet up, I'd probably just say you don't really feel like it at the moment - got the Covid-fear, or trying to get ready for Christmas or something, buy yourself some time.

Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 09:44

I don’t want to just move on to be honest. I do care about him & he’s making a bit of effort. However I’ve had upsetting feeling about both of them for years & I just need a break from him! My issue with him is that he’ll speak to me (that snappy defensiveness I mentioned is just one example) in a way he’d never speak to others. Everyone in our wider group thinks he’s this amazing guy - but they hardly ever see him! I’m tired of being the one he’s comfortable being a bit of a d**k in front of (sometimes).

OP posts:
jelly79 · 06/12/2020 09:47

Sounds hard work for an adult friendship. Also if you and his wife don't get on there will also be an difficult side to the friendship as you can only be friends with him separate

I'd either try and patch things up with them together or move on

Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 09:49

I’ve done enough - I apologised profusely for my side to her but she never apologised for her side. They were both confiding in me every single time I saw them about their marital problems so there was a relief to the ending of the friendship with her even though it has upset me greatly too as I invest a lot in my friendships.

OP posts:
Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 09:50

Confiding separately that is

OP posts:
Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 09:51

Any ideas how I could buy some time? He knows me well & I’m always available to meet. I’ve no DCs so my weekends really aren’t that busy.

I’ll probably just end up meeting him even though I don’t want to!

OP posts:
category12 · 06/12/2020 10:01

Well if you can't say you've got other commitments :- family need help, got extra work on, are heavily involved in a chess tournament, have to self-isolate, feeling a bit out of sorts etc - you're going to have to say "oh I'm still feeling a bit raw, shall we park it for a bit?"

Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 11:20

Thanks @category12

I laughed out loud at the ‘heavily involved in a chess tournament’! GrinGrinGrin I’m particularly rubbish at games like chess.

I don’t think he even knows I’ve been upset all this time, that’s the thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Separatedandabitsad · 06/12/2020 11:39

I’m just a bit glum about it because my friendships are everything to me & I put everything into them & time & again I seem to get hurt!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 06/12/2020 11:39

You need to invest less in your friendships. You are setting yourself up to be hurt here. He is not going to back you over his wife, so as you are not friends with her any longer, you can forget a close relationship with him. Approach him as an acquaintance you are pleasant with when you meet at your mutual interest and nothing more.

category12 · 06/12/2020 11:46

Grin I've been watching the queen's gambit on Netflix.

Ah, that's a bit of a tangle then. He's oblivious and you're stewing.

I think in that case, you probably need to either bring it up again and say you've been upset, and see if you can resolve it. This runs the risk of ending the friendship. Or improving it.

Or you have it let it go as a tactless remark / difference of opinion/perception and make a conscious choice to put it aside. And just watch out for any further things that make you feel unhappy in the friendship.