Fraught friendships

[Separatedandabitsad]

I don’t know where to start as one of the people (Mary) I’m about to write about uses MN regularly so I need to be subtle.

Basically ...

I was great friends with ‘Mike’ from way back. He married ‘Mary’ & after a few teething issues, she & I got on like a house on fire. 6 years later all was not so rosy. Mary & I fell out. Mike continued to make a bit of effort — once every couple of months. But the last time I saw him he really upset me. I tried to tell him & I was even more upset by his dismissive response. I felt he used my traits against me. I told my friend who said I should ‘get over it’ & just meet him again. He wants to meet up soon but I’m still upset & tired of always pretending not to be.

Thoughts? Valid excuses?

There are no excuses these days for not meeting people & I need friends to meet up with but I was upset for weeks after the last time I saw him.

But it might be worth thinking about?

@katy1213

You know NOTHING about me. She fell out with me-she’s the one who created crazy drama & I think Mike knows that which is precisely why he continues to make an effort with me ... but of course it’s easier for you to jump to the easier conclusion: that I must be hard work.

Also @katy1213

I’ve been friends since Mike since I was 5 with ZERO issues until he met Mary. When we had our disagreement I apologised profusely , she smiled & said ‘can’t wait to see you soon’ then proceeded to send me a nasty horrible email three months later! .., you don’t know near enough about me or the situation to conclude that I’m ‘hard work.’ I could have written much more in this thread to purposely paint myself in a positive light but I wanted to be kind & honest.

This thread has highlighted to me how upsetting the triangular friendship with this couple has been. Thanks to those who responded

OP, you’ve been extremely snappy and defensive on this thread. All anyone has to go on is what you’ve said here about this triangle, but the fact remains that you’ve fallen out separately with both the other people, whom you describe as extremely close friends, within the space of eight months, and while you express hurt and dissatisfaction with both their behaviour, their overssharing of their marital problems and their capacity to hurt you, you also seem to want to continue your friendship with Mike, and to have hoped for some time that Mary would get in touch, but you want apologies and reformed behaviour from both.

It sounds as if, if you see Mike, he’s likely to upset you, but you’re unwilling to tell him why you don’t want to see him, and you also don’t want to call time on the friendship. What is left?

I don’t agree that you’ve been “defensive and snappy” @Separatedandabitsad Sometimes Mumsnet can feel like the high school playground bullies are ganging up on a person. I’d be pretty pissed off if a mate of mine defined me and then got “snappy and defensive”(which is how she described Mike so somehow you’ve used her own words against her @KleinBlue) if I tried to tell them how I felt! Mike sounds like he wants it all : he wants happy wife happy life but he does not want to know any of it from your side. I think it was noble of you to never bring up the argument with his wife with him too. I probably would have as you sound very close. But you did the right thing, I just wouldn’t be that restrained! You say you had zero issues with him until he met her and you also say that she was lovely to your face and then sent you a bitchy email AND you’re going through a separation. I just want to say sorry others haven’t been nice to you on this thread! I totally get where you’re coming from. You’re one of those people who gives too much in friendship and gets trounced on.

My advice might hurt you in the short term but believe me it’ll help in the long term. Pull back from Mike. Keep it super breezy & cas with him. Don’t meet him this time but I think you’ve already replied saying you won’t, haven’t you? Wait it out & when you do meet him, do not give him another chance to define you & snap at you. Friends should not behave like that and it does sound like he has you in the family take-for-granted zone. And Fuck listening to his marital woes! This couple sound like a pain and my guess is you’ll be a much happier lady when you pull right back .. but not so far back that you lose your childhood friend completely because I get the impression that’d hurt too much.

And by the way OP, let me be the first person on this thread to say I am sorry to hear about your separation. It is a very stressful thing to go through not to mention life altering and often heartbreaking. Keep your head up High and a brighter day will come!

Gynae issues. Excuses for men don't get any better. They don't want to know. I would say that the first time, then issues regarding the gynae issues the next time, then you're feeling a bit off after the gynae issues the third time. The fourth time you can be busy with giving yourself a nice treat after all the gynae issues. Then you can be helping a mate with gynae issues.... The possibilities are endless.

That’s why I used those exact words, @Thelocamotion. I think all three people involved in this triangle sound as though they’re not good for one another, and the OP mulls over and takes incredibly personally anything said by a poster she takes issue with, as she seems to have with Mike’s remark. Perhaps this is what she’s like in her RL relationships too, think-skinned and unable to let something she considers a misapprehension go. I realise that the OP is unhappy about a breakup, but I can’t see that a situation in which someone is unhappy for weeks with a lifelong friend because he disagreed with something she said about herself is good for her.