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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my partner cheating and what do I do

61 replies

Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 10:43

So I’ve been with my partner many years and cheating was never something that’s gone through my mind.

Last night my partners phone started pinging constantly and so loud it was a noise I’ve never heard come from his phone before. He was in the bathroom and i just picked up the phone to see what it was and on the Home Screen is said a woman’s name on Instagram was trying to video call him. I just put it back down and it stopped ringing after abit. I remembered the name and i searched it up on Instagram private account but a young woman probably around our age or Little younger. I couldn’t see much more. They aren’t friends on Instagram either.

When he came from the bathroom I said “your phone was going off it sounded like you got loads of messages in a row” which it did, I wanted to see what he said. He said he didn’t know what the noise was said it does it sometimes and he doesn’t get a notification 👀.

My question is.. is it dodgy and what would you do going forward ? Honestly I want to wait it out and do some investigating before I approach him because with little evidence he could sweep it under the carpet.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 10:48

You know it is dodgy.
What do you do? You make sure you are in full knowledge of the family finances and legal stuff.

FippertyGibbett · 05/12/2020 10:50

Get your ducks in a row.
Do you own your house, if so are you named on the deeds ?
Do you have a joint bank account ?
Do you have children ?

FippertyGibbett · 05/12/2020 10:51

Posted too early - I’d get my ducks in a row without him knowing, act natural.
Then get digging. Screen shot evidence and put it in a special folder in your photos.

Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 11:43

@MikeUniformMike it is very dodgy !! I'm going to see if I can have a look on his phone at some point

OP posts:
Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 11:43

@FippertyGibbett yess love this idea. I will definitely be doing this

OP posts:
Mycastle · 05/12/2020 11:45

Yeah he’s cheating.

Been there got the T-Shirt

Mycastle · 05/12/2020 11:45

Go through her pictures on Instagram and see how many he has liked

MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 11:47

I'd have a good look at her social media accounts. I'm not sure if looking will mean you will pop up as a suggested friend, so it might be better to use someone else's profile or check with the MN geeks.

Check his profiles too.

You need to be careful that he doesn't know that you are digging.

Sorry you are going through this.

Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 11:51

@Mycastle her Instagram is private 😩 I have added from my old business account and changed the name lol so we will see if she accepts. I will definitely be doing my digging. @MikeUniformMike

OP posts:
jelly79 · 05/12/2020 12:10

If you have never suspected anything before this could possibly be innocent?

Could you ask him why xxx was video calling?

Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 12:15

@jelly79 never but I am very laid back I've always said i don't keep to scope your phone etc to find out your a cheater the information will present itself to me when the time is right and I truly believe that. What makes me think it's dodgy was when I asked him what it was he said he had no idea and I'm sure it would of left some sort of notification.

OP posts:
Originalsauce · 05/12/2020 12:23

Can you work out her name from her instagram account?

If so search her up on Twitter, Facebook et al

Instal snapchat. See if your husband comes up as a user on your list of friends with snapchat installed. Search her username on there she might have been stupid enough to use the same name on all her SM.

How many followers/following? Gives you a good idea if she is someone who accepts requests from anyone and everyone.

Of course it's dodgy, how can she video call him on insta without his phone number if they don't follow each other? She obviously has his phone number OR he has another insta account which you don't know about and which he is using to follow her. Go through her followers/following, look for obvious shill accounts which haven't posted anything and which she is the only person they are following.

MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 12:49

If your DP has a SM account, look at his friends' accounts. One of them will probably be open.
It might sound a bit sexist, but look at the wives/partners of his friends, they tend to be more open.

jelly79 · 05/12/2020 13:06

Maybe he deleted her once he knew you had seen the call?

Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 13:17

@Originalsauce very good points. Yes I know her first name but as I said her accounts private on Instagram so I can't see her pic properly. She had paint 200 followers and is following about 400. He doesn't really have any social media's to what I know anyway. No FB only Insta I looked through all his friends not 1 person by that name. I need to get on his phone tbh because I haven't got much info about her at all
@MikeUniformMike maybe good point I'll defo do my searching
@jelly79 maybe because he definitely has no friends nor is following anyone with that name like I said above I think I need to get on his phone

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 13:24

On FB, comments are usually a giveaway.
He might have accounts you don't know about. You can search for email address or phone number, but I think you can hide them.
I think you can block someone from seeing your profile.
The geek section will know.

On his phone, he may have her listed as 'Mum' or his sister's name or
'Dave' or something.

MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 13:27

If he is allowing his phone to ping away like mad, he's probably already checked out of your relationship.

Of course, it might be innocent, but like a pp, I've got the t-shirt.

Hawtain86 · 05/12/2020 13:27

You could contact her directly and ask her how she knows your partner?

MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 13:33

Don't do that. It will make you look paranoid.

Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 13:42

@MikeUniformMike he's not very tech so I doubt he will know all the ins and outs of that but I won't underestimate him yet. Definitely made some decent points.
@Hawtain86 ye not sure that's the best idea yet but trust me if my suspicions are confirmed I will 😂

OP posts:
Willow79 · 05/12/2020 13:48

Am I the only one that thinks OP should straight up ask him 'why are you being called by X woman on instagram? Who is she?'

Who do we pussyfoot around like this? As his partner you have a right to know why a woman you know nothing about would be calling him.

DeadSouth · 05/12/2020 13:55

@Willow79 think it’s a case of him just denying it or saying she must have hit the call button by accident. There’s not a lot you can do if he shuts down and you then have no evidence to back it up as he will make out you’re crazy jealous and ended it over nothing. Getting evidence is the easiest way to have some closure too, as you’ll never know for sure and he definitely won’t admit it.

EpochTime · 05/12/2020 13:56

@Willow79

Am I the only one that thinks OP should straight up ask him 'why are you being called by X woman on instagram? Who is she?'

Who do we pussyfoot around like this? As his partner you have a right to know why a woman you know nothing about would be calling him.

We pussyfoot around like this because we are conditioned to. Women worry about being called paranoid, crazy, bunny boilers. Men, on the other hand, upon seeing an unknown male caller just say 'who's that then?'
Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 14:09

@Willow79 tbh I would love too but I know it would get sweeped under the carpet without me really knowing the full truth. Because I haven't got much to go on at the minute he could say anything and I would probably believe him. So I'd rather find out the truth without his interference so I know deep down what's going on. Else it's going to bug me.
@DeadSouth @EpochTime exactly ❤️

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 14:09

Exactly. I think the film Fatal Attraction has a lot to answer for.

I'm surprised that no one has posted that she is probably just a friend, and that you are just massively insecure.

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