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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my partner cheating and what do I do

61 replies

Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 10:43

So I’ve been with my partner many years and cheating was never something that’s gone through my mind.

Last night my partners phone started pinging constantly and so loud it was a noise I’ve never heard come from his phone before. He was in the bathroom and i just picked up the phone to see what it was and on the Home Screen is said a woman’s name on Instagram was trying to video call him. I just put it back down and it stopped ringing after abit. I remembered the name and i searched it up on Instagram private account but a young woman probably around our age or Little younger. I couldn’t see much more. They aren’t friends on Instagram either.

When he came from the bathroom I said “your phone was going off it sounded like you got loads of messages in a row” which it did, I wanted to see what he said. He said he didn’t know what the noise was said it does it sometimes and he doesn’t get a notification 👀.

My question is.. is it dodgy and what would you do going forward ? Honestly I want to wait it out and do some investigating before I approach him because with little evidence he could sweep it under the carpet.

OP posts:
Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 14:10

@MikeUniformMike a friend I have never ever heard of ! Lol we have been together 10 years 3 kids I do not know this girl

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 14:15

Has there been any change in his behaviour? Any change in your sex life? Is he spending more time in the gym, or on his hobby, or with his mates?

MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 14:19

Fox, i was just saying that usually threads such as these get lots of posts saying things like that.

Or spending more time at work? Are there any mates who he mentions a lot but he didn't used to?

I remember that time when I found out that 'my mate Steve' was actually called Sarah.

wizzywig · 05/12/2020 14:24

Of course, it could just be innocent?

MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 14:43

It might be, which is another reason to tread softly.

Last night my partners phone started pinging constantly and so loud it was a noise I’ve never heard come from his phone before. is as suspicious as f**k.

Unsure33 · 05/12/2020 14:44

I would also be thinking any change in behaviour? Opportunity?

Unsure33 · 05/12/2020 14:45

How did you know the name ?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/12/2020 14:51

@wizzywig

Of course, it could just be innocent?
He denied it was notifications.
nolovelost · 05/12/2020 15:23

Could be spam or something that she's sent to many.

Anyone can message you on Instagram, you can only block when someone messages you.

DontBeShelfish · 05/12/2020 15:55

@nolovelost

Could be spam or something that she's sent to many.

Anyone can message you on Instagram, you can only block when someone messages you.

This. Does he actually have an Instagram account that you know of, OP? If he's got the app on his phone and his profile is open to the public anyone can contact him, including video calling.

Of course, if he's got an account and hasn't mentioned it, that might be a bit suspicious.

I'm a firm believer in going with your gut, so if you think something's dodgy it's definitely worth investigating.

Newwayofthinking · 05/12/2020 16:19

I would have picked it up and spoken to her....

oh you want my husband, he's just in the bathroom, hang on I will get him.

Shouting to the bathroom.....darling, there is a woman on the phone for you

Maze76 · 05/12/2020 16:32

You can actually hide who you are following on Instagram and FB from your followers. So you could search his followers from your account but if he set it up to restrict who can see a particular person / account he’s following, it won’t show up in his follow list.

MammaCookie · 05/12/2020 16:37

He may not be following her, but you can only video call from Insta from the direct message feature so I would imagine they’ve exchanged messages at least.

Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 17:27

@MikeUniformMike not that I have noticed to be honest. I have picked up more shifts as I work in healthcare but that's it. Sex life is the same no changes. No I knew you were just taking the mick lol no nothing like that he's had the same circle of friends since I met him.
@wizzywig exactly that's why I'm doing my research before I jump the gun.
@Unsure33 he's got all the opportunity in the world he works for himself I'm not a nosey girlfriend I don't question where he is every minute of the day so he's definitely got opportunity, just never been suspicious of it. When it was ringing the notification was at the top of his phone say "karenxxx" is video calling and the Instagram logo. (Her name wasnt Karen lol just for example purposes)
@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter exactly he completely brushed it off surely he would be able to see that notification.
@nolovelost yes it could be and we have at times laughed about the spam messages requests we have both got before so not sure why he wouldn't show me that
@DontBeShelfish he has an Instagram account we are friends on it so I can see all his followers but he doesn't have the Instagram app he has to go on his browser to access it which I've always thought was weird he used to have the actual app.
@Newwayofthinking I wish I did 😂 I really do !! I'm beating myself up about it now but I'm hiding my time
@Maze76 I didn't know that 😩 exactly could be anything very weird.
@MammaCookie really so.. I wouldn't be able to video call someone on Instagram that I've never spoken to before and has a private account ? I've not tried so I wouldn't know ...

OP posts:
SingHallelujah · 05/12/2020 17:45

Just ask him. It's not a game.

JoeNotExotic · 05/12/2020 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MammaCookie · 05/12/2020 17:50

Oh I stand corrected, you can go on someone’s profile (I just tried with someone I don’t follow and never have) and if I click “message” it then gives me the option to video call from there.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2020 18:40

@JoeNotExotic

It could be completely innocent but I saw my now DH cheat on his ex (she shagged him whilst I was pregnant so I feel no remorse) here’s what he did :

he used to take pics of him and random’s together to ‘prove’ he was out with guys from work. He was always with me
he asked me to send him emails so that it would look like we weren’t together (we always were)
he’d disable all of the notifications on his phone so that none of my messages would appear on his phone
he met me countless times during lunch, en route to work, after work and she never once suspected
he’d message me whilst she was sleeping next to him, he’d dim the light on his phone. Frequently
called me throughout the night from their downstairs bathroom - she was there!
he even shagged me in her filthy bed, I didn’t knowingly do this. Given the state of the place I thought it was a house share and he was simply dropping off his key, turned out it was her place.

If a man or woman wants to cheat they will cheat. There are countless opportunities. Hope you get the answers you’re looking for OP.

Wait is this your current DH? So you're with this man now, knowing he's that much of a liar? Eek.
Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 18:46

@SingHallelujah no it's not it's my life. I don't want to come across jealous incase it's nothing but then I don't want to address it yet with little proof and he lies and I believe him because I have nothing else to go on. Like I said I've trusted him for 10 years till now, I want to get to the bottom of it before I approach him, so I know where I stand.
@JoeNotExotic omg are you still with him ?! Yes definitely there's always opportunity so I'm not going to forget this. I'll get to the bottom of it.
@MammaCookie me too I just checked 😂 weird though if that was me and someone random had done that I'd have shown him and made him video call him back to see what the hell he wants!!
@youvegottenminuteslynn 👀 I wanna know too lol

OP posts:
jelly79 · 05/12/2020 19:39

OP if he doesn't have the app he may not have had a notification - I am rooting for the innocence in this one!

@JoeNotExotic wow! This is your DH? You knew he done this? And then he cheated on you with her whilst you were pregnant?? Are you still with him???

Mycastle · 05/12/2020 19:48

@JoeNotExotic

It could be completely innocent but I saw my now DH cheat on his ex (she shagged him whilst I was pregnant so I feel no remorse) here’s what he did :

he used to take pics of him and random’s together to ‘prove’ he was out with guys from work. He was always with me
he asked me to send him emails so that it would look like we weren’t together (we always were)
he’d disable all of the notifications on his phone so that none of my messages would appear on his phone
he met me countless times during lunch, en route to work, after work and she never once suspected
he’d message me whilst she was sleeping next to him, he’d dim the light on his phone. Frequently
called me throughout the night from their downstairs bathroom - she was there!
he even shagged me in her filthy bed, I didn’t knowingly do this. Given the state of the place I thought it was a house share and he was simply dropping off his key, turned out it was her place.

If a man or woman wants to cheat they will cheat. There are countless opportunities. Hope you get the answers you’re looking for OP.

Your post has honestly made me feel sick. Why would you marry a man like that! In fact your both as hideous as each other
Ilovedacake · 05/12/2020 19:52

I’d be concerned that he purposely doesn’t have the app so he doesn’t get any incriminating notifications

MammaCookie · 05/12/2020 20:00

@JoeNotExotic so he cheated on his wife with you, and you knew about it? And then he cheated on you with her while you were pregnant?

Wow.

Foxi802 · 05/12/2020 20:06

@jelly79 but it came up on his phone when it was ringing surely if he had turned notifications off I wouldn't of heard it or saw it?? I don't know it's very strange ..
@Ilovedacake yes he used to have the app but not any more. I only know because I see him online I send him stuff I've seen on Instagram so I know he uses it but few months back I had his phone and noticed no Instagram app I asked him if he had deleted it he just said no just don't have the app anymore.. strange.

@JoeNotExotic I need to hear the whole story of this doesn't sound good 😩😩

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2020 20:52

but few months back I had his phone and noticed no Instagram app I asked him if he had deleted it he just said no just don't have the app anymore.
If he is cheating, it will have started before then.

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