8 months pregnant & partner has been having an affair.

[Soozbuck]

Hi ladies,

Sorry that this is going to be such a long post but I really need some advice.
I’m currently 8 months pregnant and have recently found out my fiancé has been having an affair for 5 months with his co-worker.
I had a suspicion that something has been going on and unfortunately went through his text messages and saw he was texting her telling her he loves her and that he was going to leave me and start a new life with her.
When I confronted him he said he didn’t love her and wasn’t going to leave me so I’m confused. But they have been having sex, at her house and in our family car weekly since July.

I have decided to stay with him and try and work through this as I am due in January and I do love him, but I’m just scared it’s going to happen again or that he’s only staying with me for the sake of our baby.

He works an on call rota and each time he's been on call he's been with her.

I'm classed as a high risk pregnancy and have to inject blood thinners daily I also have GD so this pregnancy hasn't been easy on me and he hasn't supported me once.

When I confronted him about his affair he said he is struggling mentally with the pregnancy and said she didn't mean anything and that he used her to "feel" something.
But I just know it's because we stopped having sex around July because my sex drive just disappeared. Now he's claiming it's his mental health and going through his doctor to help him deal.
But I just can't seem to help thinking that this is all a cover up because he was caught out.

He ended it with his fancy woman via text and since then I've had vile texts from her & her friends calling me a mug and telling me loads of stuff what he has done/promised her.

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so broken.
I feel like I can't talk to my friends as I know what they will say and I don't know if I want to hear it from them.

Please can someone just give me some advice about what to do, I'm really struggling.
Thank you.

Oh you poor love. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
I’ll be honest, and it may seem slightly harsh, but it’s meant in the kindest way possible. I am sorry to say horrible ow and horrible friends are calling a spade a spade. Your crappy husband is making a mug of you. He’s still lying to you, he’s still making cliched excuses and he is still taking no responsibility for the choice he made to cheat on you. All while you’re pregnant with his child.
I am not one who is firmly in the ‘LTB, never forgive cheating’ camp as life is rarely so black and white but nothing in his actions tells me he is truly sorry, or that he won’t do all this again further down the line now you’ve essentially given him the green light on his shitty behaviour.
You deserve better.

What. A. Shit.

This is truly awful behaviour. Tell your mum/ friends and kick him out. Het a much better support network in place. Having him living with you throughout the next few months will be horrendous. Believe me. It will be easier if you just take charge. And for godsake give your baby your surname as you should not marry this man

I think you're better to lean on the support of your family at this time not him.

You poor thing. Have you any family close by or some supportive friends? If it were me I would ask him to leave. He won’t change and will do this again. Your life will be full of anxiety wondering when he will be cheating on you next. He has not been supportive nor tried to address any issues surrounding the non physical side to your relationship but simply been self serving and deceitful. This won’t change. Ask him to leave while you are supported by friends and family and can take steps to become strong on your own.

Oh and tell your friends/family, you’ll need to properly talk to someone.

I’ve forgiven cheating before (very different scenario at the beginning of our relationship which to be fair, in hindsight, I would have probably not done). This is unforgivable. Honestly, you are pregnant & in such a vulnerable position - he is taking you for a fool. Tell all your friends & family, kick him out! Do you have any other support?

Please can someone just give me some advice about what to do, I'm really struggling.

Leave. I did it. You can and should. The 'fancy woman' is a symptom, not the problem. The problem is him. He's weak, undependable, unreliable, untrustworthy, uncaring, selfish, and 'all about poor me'. He excuses his bad behaviour but takes no responsibility for it. He just shifts the blame onto his 'mental health'. 'I've been an asshole and thrown you under the bus, seeking solace elsewhere... because of my mental health.' That's an insult to people struggling with real mental health issues.

It doesn't matter if he loved her or not. He doesn't want you. He can't deal with the pregnancy? Poor bloke. Maybe he should have thought about this before having a child with you. I hope he took this into consideration when he was all up in someone else. Sorry. I'd love to say what you want to hear and give you hope, OP. But he took that all away. And I don't think he's worth fighting for.

You need to leave him! Either kick him out, or you move out to a family members house.

It sounds as if he will cheat again if you don't have sex, which you are very unlikely to want to do straight after having a baby.

The trust is broken, what are you gonna be thinking every time he goes to work?

Time for him to go. He's not sorry, he'll carry on with it and you can't trust him an inch. You don't need this while you're pregnant.

Do you have somewhere you can go to - your mum's or a friend's? Don't try to keep this to yourself - you shouldn't be bearing this burden alone.

OP, I'm sorry he's betrayed you so badly while you're vulnerable.

Unfortunately you've found out that when things are difficult and sex dries up, his reaction is not to work with you as a team, but to go fuck someone else. Long-term relationships go through difficult times and peaks and troughs in sex, and for a life partner you need someone who sticks with it, not someone who takes the excuse to fuck other people.

I'd really recommend that you don't stay with him. I was in nearly the same position, my ex cheated while I had a newborn, and he went on to cheat many times after that.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Sorry but you would be daft to stay in this relationship. If you didn't check his phone he'd still be shagging her and planning to leave you ( which he may still be doing anyway.) Its not like he came clean due to guilt, he was forced to come clean as he was found out. Men like this seldom change, but they are good at saying all the right things.

This is awful, he is awful and categorically will never be able to love, support, nurture, and care for you and your baby in the way a partner/father should.

He will continue to cheat, the fact you are getting abuse off the ow whilst heavily pregnant shows he is spinning lies and has no interest in protecting you.

Tell someone today, a parent, friend, sibling and find the strength to kick him out. You are emotionally and physically stronger than you think.

Imagine if a friend confided in you this was happening to them, what advise would you give?

Do not waste another day of the life you should be having on him.

I am so sorry to hear this. Please try to eat and look after yourself and the baby.
On a purely practical note, as you are not married, he will not have the right to register the birth and will not automatically have parental responsibility. You can therefore choose baby’s name and surname. Use yours; it can be changed to his if you marry within a year of the birth

I wonder whether sex stopped because you had an inkling that something was going on - it's amazing how intuitive you can be when your husband is sleeping with someone else. He's saying he slept with her because you wouldn't sleep with him. It might not be that way around.

You stopped having sex temporarily as you are pregnant and not feeling well. He'll do this again the next time you're pregnant, ill, if you got cancer, were bereaved, when you go through menopause etc etc. You're kicking the can down the road. This is inevitable.

If you stay with him, he will do this to you again and again and again, repeatedly breaking your heart, until there is nothing left of you.

Leave whilst you are still mobile - it's so much harder to leave as 2 people than as 1. Do you have family a good distance away? You can also move far away whilst pregnant - after the birth the baby is considered to reside where you currently live.

This is it OP. Last chance to get away - this is the sort of entitled man who can make the next 18 years utterly miserable, for you and the child. He gave not one solitary thought for your wellbeing (and how that would impact the baby inside). Now think only of what is in your best interests. That will serve your child better than worrying about feelings your husband does not have.

Why on earth would you stay in a relationship with someone who can do this to you when you're at your most vulnerable.

I don't mean to sound horrid, but if you act like a doormat, people will walk over you.

You are worth better - and please don't stay for the baby. He's going to be fuck all support - he's already showed you that when times are tough, he puts his dick first. Take off your rose colour spectacles and see him for what he really is.

I'm sorry, but this guy is really not for you.

You need to leave him and plan a life without him.

He cannot handle being an adult or adult feelings, and his solution is to lie to different women so they do what he wants then to do. He treats women with contempt.

he was texting her telling her he loves her and that he was going to leave me and start a new life with her. When I confronted him he said he didn’t love her and wasn’t going to leave me so I’m confused.

Dont be confused. It is pretty clear. He told you what you wanted to hear so youd do what he wanted. He told her what she wanted to hear so she would do what he wanted. He clears nothing for either of you.

How long have you been together?
What is your work situation?
What is your housing situation?

I would advise against making huge decisions right now. Good sensitive friends would understand that it is not as straightforward as LTB when you are due any time and hormonal and vulnerable.

However, i think you do need to be assertive and need some space and time to think.
I'd suggest he needs to leave at least temporarily so you are not arguing or in a bad atmosphere and you can begin to process. Create yourself a safe space. confide in 1/2 good friends or mum. Decide over next weeks if he could be a birth partner or ask someone else.

When baby comes invite him over to help at set times of day or overnights whilst he stays in a different room. See if he fights to bond and stay engaged and support you. If he does keep going and see how you feel after a couple of months as a newborn is hardwork. If he doesn't and continues seeing her you have your answer but have created a little space.

Despite how you feel about him try to help him develop a good bond with baby as if you do separate he should still do his share as you will need time to yourself and when ready to return to work. His responsibility to your child doesn't end with the relationship.

Also, men who cheat when their wife is pregnant have inevitably cheated before. That's a big first adultery step to take for a previously faithful man.

You stopped having sex temporarily as you are pregnant and not feeling well. He'll do this again the next time you're pregnant, ill, if you got cancer, were bereaved, when you go through menopause etc etc. You're kicking the can down the road. This is inevitable.
He will do it because he wants to and he can. Because staying with him shows him you will accept this.

You can’t get beyond this. If a man can do this when you’re pregnant with his child ie when you are at your most vulnerable and he should be feeling most protective he can do it to you any time. Women often go off sex when pregnant - loving partners accept that. They don’t immediately stick their cock inside another woman. And when he betrayed you, he betrayed your child.

The fact that he lied to the other woman (told her he loved her and would be leaving you) shows that he is an utterly deceitful, manipulative, selfish and entitled bastard who thinks only of his own cock and nothing of the women around him. Which all goes to show he will be an utterly shit father.

Get him gone. Look to your family and friends for support. You may be able to co-parent amicably but in your shoes I would even think hard before registering him as the father. Let him apply for parental responsibility.

How absolutely awful. I really don't see any remorse from his side here. However if you are going to stay and try to work it out, than he absolutely has to leave his job and cut off any contact completely and you absolutely have to tell family and friends. This is the minimum requirements as he has to have consequences for his actions. Otherwise he will forever and always assume you are going to let him get away with anything and he absolutely will take advantage of that . Please don't say he can't leave because of finances. He can not under any circumstances work with his affair partner. It is literally not possible. You will end up losing your mind. These are the absolute minimum requirements that any therapist would recommend. Also complete access to all his devices till you feel trust has been rebuilt. If he says no to any of these. Than unfortunately you will have to leave him as it shows he is not completely committed to fixing your relationship and is in fact treating like a mug

I’m so sorry. This must be absolutely devastating for you. I remember the stage that you are at in your pregnancy so well and it should be at time of hope, joy, anticipation and love all shared with a partner or loved one. You say that you love him but please find a moment to really look at him and his behaviour and actions...think of it through another persons’ eyes. Then recall what you do love about him that is real and genuine and kind..you may find there is not much there after all.