8 months pregnant & partner has been having an affair.

[Soozbuck]

Hi ladies,

Sorry that this is going to be such a long post but I really need some advice.
I’m currently 8 months pregnant and have recently found out my fiancé has been having an affair for 5 months with his co-worker.
I had a suspicion that something has been going on and unfortunately went through his text messages and saw he was texting her telling her he loves her and that he was going to leave me and start a new life with her.
When I confronted him he said he didn’t love her and wasn’t going to leave me so I’m confused. But they have been having sex, at her house and in our family car weekly since July.

I have decided to stay with him and try and work through this as I am due in January and I do love him, but I’m just scared it’s going to happen again or that he’s only staying with me for the sake of our baby.

He works an on call rota and each time he's been on call he's been with her.

I'm classed as a high risk pregnancy and have to inject blood thinners daily I also have GD so this pregnancy hasn't been easy on me and he hasn't supported me once.

When I confronted him about his affair he said he is struggling mentally with the pregnancy and said she didn't mean anything and that he used her to "feel" something.
But I just know it's because we stopped having sex around July because my sex drive just disappeared. Now he's claiming it's his mental health and going through his doctor to help him deal.
But I just can't seem to help thinking that this is all a cover up because he was caught out.

He ended it with his fancy woman via text and since then I've had vile texts from her & her friends calling me a mug and telling me loads of stuff what he has done/promised her.

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so broken.
I feel like I can't talk to my friends as I know what they will say and I don't know if I want to hear it from them.

Please can someone just give me some advice about what to do, I'm really struggling.
Thank you.

Ah you're not married yet.

Perfect, give this child your surname and leave him off the birth certificate. The birth certificate (or court) is where an unmarried father obtains his parental responsibility (PR). Even if he does apply to court to be added, this will buy you time and ensure that he cant take the child and refuse to return it (more common with the entitled than your think, and which the police wouldn't be able to assist with if he was on the birth cert - and it's a long wait for a court date). You can apply for a child arrangements order to formalize contact when (if) he applies for PR.

Think with your head OP, think strategically. You now know that you don't know this man at all. Proceed accordingly.

What a rat! I know it's easy for a stranger to say but honestly, I think you should leave him.
Everyone is different with different circumstances but could you ever trust him again if he can cheat on you while you're carrying his child? I know I wouldn't be able to. I'd constantly be doubting him whenever he was out. Sorry.

@DianeChambers

You stopped having sex temporarily as you are pregnant and not feeling well. He'll do this again the next time you're pregnant, ill, if you got cancer, were bereaved, when you go through menopause etc etc. You're kicking the can down the road. This is inevitable. He will do it because he wants to and he can. Because staying with him shows him you will accept this.

Yes, he will cheat because he's a cheater, not because of anything OP hasn't done. What I meant (and I do see that this wasn't written clearly enough by me), is that she can't attribute this to a life event, a one-off, life events happen all throughout life and somehow people manage to remain faithful. He didnt. Because he didn't want to.

He did this because he wanted to and he will continue to do it, again and again, continuously - and he will blame her, wrongly, because he's an arsehole. Cheaters cheat because they want to cheat and they never stop.

“Think with your head OP, think strategically. You now know that you don't know this man at all. Proceed accordingly.”

This with bells on.

Well, obviously he is lying to you, as he lied to his mistress. He’s just an unfaithful, opportunistic liar and always will be. If you want to be married to that, go ahead, but it won’t be the only affair he ever has and, tbh, he’ll probably leave you anyway if he doesn’t like the reality of parenthood. Imvho.

I know you want to hold on now because you feel you want the security - but anything he says now to make you feel better will only be temporary. I can guarantee this 100%. If you don’t do what’s hard now and leave him it will only get worse and worse in the future until you are a shell of a person and possibly affected your child too. As a first step kick him out, it’s hard to think straight when he’s giving you all the mental health sob story crap - get some support around you

I really wouldn’t make any decisions at the moment OP, take your time and don’t let your partner rush you. I will say:

1- why does the OW have your number, either way block or get a new number, you don’t need that stress
2- do tell friends/ family, it’s not up to you to keep your husbands secret, there’s no shame on your part and you need support
3 - so what if you have no sex drive, you think you will with a newborn and recovering from a birth whilst your boobs leak. Until he stops blaming everything but himself you will struggle to forgive
4- I think you need some physically distance whilst you decide what you want to do- if he can’t respect and do that the writing is on the wall
5- know if may take weeks, months or years to forgive and you may not be able to but everything will be ok in the end

You poor thing, what an awful situation. You need to decide if you can move past this and trust him, I know that I couldn't but you need to decide for yourself. You do not need him to raise your baby so don't stay with him for the sake of your child, your child would be far better in a peaceful home with one parent than a tense home with two parents. As for that god awful woman, imagine thinking you're the mug when she was messing about with a married man who has a baby on the way and buying all his bullshit. Daft cow.

It's going to be really tough but you need to leave

As someone else said, you only know because you went investigating, otherwise this would still be going on, if it isn't already

The only time forgiveness is on the table is if they came to you and were apologetic, and even then...

I would absolutely go, you're going to have years of misery and insecurity if you don't. Or you could leave now, get excited and prep for the baby.

You'll look back in a year and be glad you did!

It’s terrible that’s he’s been having an affair, but what makes it so much worse is the time in which he chose to have this affair. Your pregnant, due soon, your vulnerable and you’ve spent months planning, preparing and imagining a family life with him and it’s so hard to let all that go when his infidelity smacks you in the face.

He’s not struggling with his mental health, he’s struggling with that time old tradition called growing up and becoming a responsible adult. He’s used your pregnancy as an excuse and to take advantage of this time while your vulnerable, focused on yourself/baby and taken the chance that now you are forever tied to him through this child that the odds are you won’t leave him.

At this moment in time your shocked and upset, and your questioning yourself, him, and about a million other things. Trust me when I say that you are going to get angry, very very angry because he has cost you dearly in ways you don’t even realise yet. The last weeks of your pregnancy are going to be filled with hurt, upset and angst about him. The first few weeks after the birth are also hard enough without the additional worry of him and his philandering penis. All this special time you are supposed to be having is going to be tainted with him and by what he did, and once the newborn fog and hazy days of just getting through have worn off you are going to practically hate him for ruining all that should have been special for you. Unless he becomes superman and the very model of a perfect partner and father in the next few weeks and months (which I highly doubt) all this is unavoidable.

I can completely understand wanting to stay with him and to work it out. Right now you’ve had the rug well and truly pulled from under your feet and it’s instinctive to want to drop to the ground and just hold on to whatever is left. That being said don’t let yourself be lost in him, don’t try so hard to hold on that you put yourself last. Don’t tie yourself up in circles trying to compete with this OW, don’t try to be better for him (so that he doesn’t stray) so that he is happy, please please don’t do that. The only person who should by trying is him, he should be worrying about you, trying to make sure your happy, trying to make sure you don’t leave him, he should be bending over backwards and doing absolutely everything and anything to keep you, to prove himself and to show you that he is sorry, to rebuild your trust and to repair what HE has broken. Anything less is nothing but an absolute waste of your time and energy.

I’m sorry that you are going through this

Oh OP, that’s awful.

Please leave him, he has zero respect for you and 100% will do this again if he thinks you’ll just forgive.

Block every bitch messaging you.

Please reach out to family and friends for some real life support.

@PicsInRed

Ah you're not married yet.

Perfect, give this child your surname and leave him off the birth certificate. The birth certificate (or court) is where an unmarried father obtains his parental responsibility (PR). Even if he does apply to court to be added, this will buy you time and ensure that he cant take the child and refuse to return it (more common with the entitled than your think, and which the police wouldn't be able to assist with if he was on the birth cert - and it's a long wait for a court date). You can apply for a child arrangements order to formalize contact when (if) he applies for PR.

Think with your head OP, think strategically. You now know that you don't know this man at all. Proceed accordingly.

Absolutely this.

This man has done a vile thing to you. If he’ll shag about behind your back whilst pregnant he always will. Do you think you’re going to be at it like rabbits with a newborn? You’re not. He’ll have another affair and you’re baby will see the fall out.

Back his bags OP. Wrap yourself up in support from your friends and family and he can do one.

Come on OP it's time to empower yourself. He's a scumbag. Think with your head and not your heart and get him gone.

You really need to do this before the baby is born. I know it will be hard and you'll be mourning the relationship and partner you thought you had but when your baby arrives you will be so in love with it and it will give you a new focus.
Do you have friends and family around to support you?

I know you probably don’t want to hear this right but you need to tell your midwife and have a full STI screen before birth. I would ask for everything swabs plus bloods. It’s incredibly important to treat infections such as chlamydia and gonorrhoea before birth.

Hugs. Take care of you and your baby.

Actions speak louder than words. He cheated. He hid it. He strung the OW along and lied to you.

We all struggle with bad news, events, and yet only a tiny fraction of us give ourselves the permission to go and cheat on our partner or do something horrid.

Your priority is no longer understanding him (why does he mean? Why did he do it?) but to protect yourself and the baby (STD check, stressful people out).

Tell people in RL. Keeping is a secret scuppers your chance of getting help.

He isn’t going to change, he’s going to remain a shit.
I’d look at splitting up.
And don’t put his surname on the birth certificate.

I know it's hard when you're pregnant but you need to find your self respect and LTB.

Get someone else to be your birth partner, someone who will focus on supporting you and who hasn't betrayed and hurt you the way he has done.

Give baby your surname. You could include his surname as a middle name (or a second surname) if you wish, but you should share a surname with your baby.

Even if you stay with him, this relationship is not going to last, it's just a question of whether you string it out any longer and endure the unhappiness out of a misguided idea that you can somehow fix things with a man like this.

Do not stay with this lying, cheating SHIT.

You will not be happy. It won't ever be the same again and you will never be able to trust him. Why live like that, why do that to yourself? He's broken it.

Tbh not supporting you through this is enough to leave, shagging someone else while not supporting you is just taking the piss.

This man is not kind, reliable or fair to you.
At a time when he should be loyal & supporting you, his foot (& other stuff) is out the door. From what you say, he has been looking elsewhere from the very start of your pregnancy, if not before then.

How he really feels about you & his soon-to-be born child is unknown, but by his very actions, you & baby are not a priority.

Tell your family, friends & your midwife team as you need support & care right now during your pregnancy, the birth & for the months to come.

Do not indulge him with the ‘choose me’ dance or wait for him to see sense. He has been making his choices for the past six months, now make yours.

Oh OP I am so sorry.

Same thing happened to me only I was 7 months. But otherwise same, coworker, broke up with her.

I decided to leave him. I could just never get over the betrayal. Bringing up my daughter as a single mum was tough but wonderful. She is 9 now and we are so close. I'm the nine years I have grown stronger, progressed my career, focused on myself.

I also met someone new. Not because I needed but because I wanted and I fell in love. We have an 18 month old and hoping I have another.

If you had told me all this when I decided to go it alone all this time ago I would have thought you were crazy. But here I am.

Do what is right for you but don't waste time on someone you won't be able to trust.

You’re having a difficult pregnancy and all he could think about was himself. He sounds self-centred and entitled - and uncaring. I doubt he cares a jot about his co-worker. She was just nearby and useful to use.

Think about that attitude and his lack of care for you. It sounds like he’ll always put himself and his desires first. He’s acted disgustingly.

I’d leave him/kick him out, and concentrate on yourself and baby. He’s not reliable, he’s not trustworthy and he’s not demonstrated he loves you.

Follow the above advice about blocking all the people texting you; don’t put him on the Birth Certificate or give baby his surname; and get the support of your family & friends and your midwife.

Leave him now. Go to family/friend.
Give the baby your name.
Get ready to file a child support claim for when the baby arrives.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. He should be adoring you right now you are carrying his child.

Many have been in this situation. I was and I forgave him. Only for him to do it again and again.

If he really loved you this wouldn't even be on his radar. It wasn't for me despite my ex faults I was loyal.

Only you know if you can move on from this. Gather good people around you. And look after yourself.

He blamed his cheating on your pregnancy what a wanker.