Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken by partners MH issues

59 replies

AlicebytheSea · 05/12/2020 07:26

They are severe. He has just come out of treatment again but is a total mess. He is controlling and paranoid with me, and insists I am cheating/ thinking about it,planning it. He is causing massive rows where he will shout,sob and totally lose control. I've supported him in so many ways over the years, but I cant bear to be on the receiving end of this. He guilt trips me horribly, I had to make him leave yesterday and said it was over but I honestly dont want to give up on him. I'm exhausted and cant even think straight. I have nobody to turn to now. I just want him without the illness, its not fair. And I'm terrified he will harm himself.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 05/12/2020 07:28

At this point you are enabling his behaviour.

If you feel he will commit suicide, phone 999 or his mental health team for advice. It's time to move on.

Bunnymumy · 05/12/2020 07:42

Worry about your own mental health (and physical saftey). It is not your job to fix him. And it is not your job to support an emotionally abusive bully. Get out of there! Save yourself!

Windmillwhirl · 05/12/2020 07:46

If he won't address his behaviour, nothing will change. Personally, I think you need to focus on yourself. His level of abuse towards you should not be minimised or ignored. You did the right thing telling him to go. Use the time to think about how the rest of your life will be if he does not change his behaviour.

Original poster
AlicebytheSea · 05/12/2020 07:54

Thanks for the replies. My esteem is at rock bottom,I know this is so wrong, I feel like I am going mad

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 05/12/2020 07:55

When you say he has just come out of treatment do you mean he was sectioned?

Have his meds still not kicked in properly or do the mental heslth team think they are working?

Depending on his diagnosis this could be him for life.

Living with someone with a mental health condition is tough, very tough at times.
Living with soneone who is also paranoid to this extreme is so much tougher.

You cannot fix him and the old him may not be there anymore.

Has he always had a mental health condition?
If he hasn't what has happened recently?
If he has what was he like before?

Personally after spending 19yrs with someone with severe depression i would never do it again, it was hard work and drained the life out of me, life was controlled by his moods and it was awful.

FippertyGibbett · 05/12/2020 07:58

Is he like this all the time or does he just have periods of poor MH ?
Does he take his medication religiously and wholly engage with the MH team ?

happinessischocolate · 05/12/2020 08:05

You did the right time thing asking him to leave. You seriously need to walk away from this, we all know it's hard when you love someone, but you can't fix him and may even be enabling him. I tried helping my ex for 4 years and now 18 months after we split he has improved massively, sometimes it's better for you BOTH if you take a massive step away from the situation.

Sorry this is happening Thanks

mathanxiety · 05/12/2020 08:08

Walk away.

Get therapy for yourself.

SnackBitch2020 · 05/12/2020 08:24

Oh, I'm sorry to hear this, I totally feel your pain, have a hug Thanks

Now, enough about him for a moment, what support do YOU have in place? Friends, family etc? If not are there any local support groups etc

Is he complying with medication? What support is in place for him after being discharged and during stable periods? Is this behaviour new? What is his condition? What you do next will largely depend on the answers to these.

if he is non compliant with meds, I'm afraid there is really no hope for your relationship, especially if he is schizophrenic or has bipolar.

Number 1 priority is Your safety and health!

Changedforaquickquestion · 05/12/2020 08:34

It isn’t his fault, but OP, you are not making his life/ MH any better by staying. You can’t save him, but you can save yourself.

Original poster
AlicebytheSea · 05/12/2020 08:35

Yes it is one of the very severe MH.. he was sectioned but after care isn't there at all, its left to me. I have nobody. They dont want to know as I was warned and supported before and I chose to carry on in this in the hope he'd be ok.

Even in stable periods he impossible insecure and links outrageous things to suit his thoughts and I cant argue them away. For example he will say he has seen suggestive texts I have sent to men, when I show him my phone,( never have sent any obviously)he says I have deliberately deleted them.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 05/12/2020 08:53

Amazing how many abusers claim to have mental health issues when infact they have narcissistic personality disorder or similar and claim shit like 'depression' because they think it will guilt you into staying. This might be a rare case where it's genuine. Or it could be both. But either way, there is no excuse for abuse.

You staying with him will do neither of you any good. You did right to leave him. If I were you I'd pack up and move as far away as possible too as he seems the sort that wont let you go without a struggle.

Bunnymumy · 05/12/2020 08:55

Oh and you should watch Lundy bankrofts videos on youtube if you get a chance. Or see his book 'why does he do that?'. See if its familiar.

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 09:00

You've become addicted to being his saviour and fixer. Now it's at the expense of your own mental health.

His issues aren't all MH related. This is HIM.

Wolfiefan · 05/12/2020 09:02

You need to get away. His MH isn’t your responsibility. This is toxic.

NRE20 · 05/12/2020 09:07

Regardless of your partner’s MH problems, the way you are being treated means that you are in abusive relationship. If you stay in it, you will continue to be treated like this and your own MH and physical health are at risk.
It’s incredibly scary breaking up with someone and contemplating a life alone, but if you go through the pain and scariness now, you will eventually come out the other side and won’t have to suffer at your partner’s hands again.
Point them in the direction of the help they need. Make calls or appointments for them, if that will provide them with support and make you feel more comfortable that they’ll have help. Then walk away and get support for yourself to help you through this.
You can’t picture it yet, but long term, you will be with someone wonderful, living a happier life. Isn’t that worth going through a short-term tough stage for?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2020 09:13

No to further enabling your abuser by pointing him in a direction or making calls etc for him. He can do that and besides which you are not his nursemaid nor his therapist.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Who taught you to be a rescuer or saviour in a relationship?. I would get therapy for your own self going forward and unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date as well as doing the Freedom Programme.

Save your own self Op, you cannot rescue and or save this man and besides which he does not want to be helped. With all due respect what can you do anyway, you’re well out of your depth here and as a result you are being dragged down with and by him. You are worth more than this.

Comtesse · 05/12/2020 09:21

Sorry OP this sounds dreadful Flowers. You don’t have to put up with this.

Dery · 05/12/2020 09:32

Big yes to reading Lundy Bancroft. You might also find it helpful to read Women Who Love Too Much.

Life is not a dress rehearsal, OP. This is your one shot. It is not your job to fix him and his behaviour to you is deeply abusive. He sounds dangerous to you. It is your job to make the most of your time here. Toxic dynamics like this are addictive. You will almost certainly need therapy to help with what you’ve gone through.

I have found in life that action precedes motivation and I often don’t ‘feel’ ready to do something before I’ve done it. But intellectually I know what needs to be done.

You may never feel ready to leave him but you know that’s what you need to do. There will never be a perfect moment. You need to act before you feel ready.

Reach out to family and friends for support. I’m sure there will be people willing to help. Speak to Women’s Aid. It can be very hard to escape an abusive relationship but it can be done and you can do it.

Changedforaquickquestion · 05/12/2020 09:56

Amazing how many abusers claim to have mental health issues when infact they have narcissistic personality disorder or similar and claim shit like 'depression' because they think it will guilt you into staying

THIS!!! Agreed.

SnackBitch2020 · 05/12/2020 11:22

It sounds like his medication isn't working or he's not taking it. I'm not saying someone would be 100% symptom free on medication, but it shouldn't be like that. The crux of this is assessing what he's like normally, what are short term symptoms of the illness, and what you are prepared to put up with. The main thing is your health and safety. You need to put yourself first.

SnackBitch2020 · 05/12/2020 11:26

"Even in stable periods he impossible insecure and links outrageous things to suit his thoughts and I cant argue them away. For example he will say he has seen suggestive texts I have sent to men, when I show him my phone,( never have sent any obviously)he says I have deliberately deleted them."

I'm assuming from your description he is schizophrenic or schizoaffective, in which case these don't really sound like periods of stability to me. Either his medication isn't working or he's not taking it. If this is him at his "best", then I'd be concerned for your safety and well-being.

Smudgingpastels · 05/12/2020 11:36

As they say on planes, put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

You cannot fix some one else's mental health problems. You are not a qualified mental health nurse so don't take on that job without being well qualified otherwise you will ruin your own mental health.

The responsibility has to be on the individual and they need to want to get better and take steps to doing that.

Everything else will just enable him to stay the same and make it worse for both of you.

You are not able to fix someone so you do need to look at what is best for you.

Being emotionally strong and doing well is good for you and what he needs to see. Be a good role model.

There is absolutely no point ever in letting someone take you both down.

Do not have him in your life anymore. You are not helping him you are keeping him down.

As soon as someone is rude and disrespectful is the time to back away and say enough.

Love is not enough.

Pikachubaby · 05/12/2020 11:39

Poor you, how unbelievably tough Sad and sad as well

As he’s angry/unpleasant towards you, I would not hesitate to leave

Yes, it’s the illness speaking, but it’s also your daily life and nobody can live like this

You need to protect yourself OP Flowers

Rybvita · 05/12/2020 12:54

Sounds like your partner could have borderline personality disorder. Whatever the issues are, it's a completely unhealthy relationship for you. The fact you're still there implies that you don't value your own mental health or think his is more important than yours. Why is that?