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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken by partners MH issues

59 replies

AlicebytheSea · 05/12/2020 07:26

They are severe. He has just come out of treatment again but is a total mess. He is controlling and paranoid with me, and insists I am cheating/ thinking about it,planning it. He is causing massive rows where he will shout,sob and totally lose control. I've supported him in so many ways over the years, but I cant bear to be on the receiving end of this. He guilt trips me horribly, I had to make him leave yesterday and said it was over but I honestly dont want to give up on him. I'm exhausted and cant even think straight. I have nobody to turn to now. I just want him without the illness, its not fair. And I'm terrified he will harm himself.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 06/12/2020 01:51

Even in stable periods he impossible insecure and links outrageous things to suit his thoughts and I cant argue them away. For example he will say he has seen suggestive texts I have sent to men, when I show him my phone,( never have sent any obviously)he says I have deliberately deleted them.
If that is stable, I don't want to know what unstable looks like.

What you are calling stable is out and out emotional and psychological abuse.

It is going to destroy you if you stay.

There is no ideal time to leave, no ideal circumstance. You have to just seize the day - one moment of resolve is all it takes - and put one foot in front of the other out of there.

Call Women's Aid/ National DV hotline 0808 2000 247.
Leave a message. They will get back to you.

They will help you make a plan and put you in touch with resources/agencies who can help you.

How did you end up with nobody you could call on for help or support?

Groovinpeanut · 06/12/2020 02:39

You need to end this cycle now. He's making you I'll.
You can't fix him, he's had professional input but he's no different?

Don't be a martyr. Get out of this relationship before your own mental health deteriorates.

Rangoon · 06/12/2020 07:29

A partner is not meant to be some sort of project you take on to fix up. They are meant to bring happiness to your life. You've tried for years without any discernible positive result with this man and that's sad. But he doesn't have to ruin your life as well as his. You deserve to be happy and I can't see it ever happening with this man.

AlwaysCheddar · 06/12/2020 07:42

You can’t fix him. Leave him. It’s fairer on you and him.

wibdib · 06/12/2020 11:15

Sounds incredibly tough.

There’s a campaign that was starts I New Zealand or islands nearby such as Fiji and Samoa, that is being supported by the actor The Rock.

It’s called something like ‘Shei s not you rehab’ which sounds like an angle that that both you and your partner should consider. I don’t have a copy to link to but it’s worth looking to see if you can see a copy of the tweet the Rock sent to the little boy and his mum that set up the campaign - it was worth a read.

SapatSea · 06/12/2020 11:55

Does he have "Othello Syndrome" (Delusion disorder: jealousy type)? You need to protect yourself. It can escalate and become dangerous. He is sucking the life out of you. You need to start emotionally detaching and protecting your own MH. You know you can't cure him, you can't control his condition and certainly didn't cause it. You sound like you have been incredibly loving and caring and I know detaching will cause you a lot of pain but for your own sake you need to.

ThriceThriceThice · 06/12/2020 13:59

If he has delusional disorder, I’m afraid the prognosis is very poor. It does sometimes abate but without any insight (and it doesn’t sound like your husband has any) this will be your life if you stay with him. Of course you want him without the disorder, but you need to be realistic - it’s unlikely to happen. Have you given your all? Has it made the slightest difference? Do you want to continue to live like this - these are the questions you need to ask yourself.

Your description of him when ‘stable’ sounds horrific and I wonder why you are so determined to stay. Do you have children - is it culturally unacceptable for you to divorce - or have you just been ground down by this all. Please contact Women’s Aid - and discuss your options. This man worries me and I’m worried about your safety.

Original poster
AlicebytheSea · 10/12/2020 12:24

So I have told him it's over after he basically laid in wait to confront me about another delusional confrontation he has had with me. Why am I in bits?? Somebody help me please

OP posts:
Haffiana · 10/12/2020 15:34

You are in bits because your delusion that you can have a normal relationship with this man keeps being shattered.

Do you want tomorrow to be the same as today? If you keep doing the same thing and responding in the same way your whole future will be like this.

ThriceThriceThice · 10/12/2020 15:38

Alice - are you safe? Please make sure you have support in real life. He is not going to make this easy for you. Can you call Women's Aid? Take care.

Original poster
AlicebytheSea · 10/12/2020 18:42

Hes been sobbing and apologising and promising to change but Its no good. I've listened to it hundreds of times.
I'm in my own home, he lives near and I can imagine this being an issue but I cant backdown

OP posts:
Original poster
AlicebytheSea · 10/12/2020 18:44

@Haffiana

You are in bits because your delusion that you can have a normal relationship with this man keeps being shattered.

Do you want tomorrow to be the same as today? If you keep doing the same thing and responding in the same way your whole future will be like this.

This 100% I realise. It's like a light has come on.
OP posts:
BristolZoo · 10/12/2020 18:59

Hi OP. My husband has severe mental health problems and has, in the past, become paranoid and delusional. It is absolutely not possible to live with somebody like this. Its draining, exhausting and makes you begin to doubt your own sanity.
My husband has responded well to medication, thankfully, and i make sure that he takes it every day without fail. Without this life would be impossible for both of us. Is your partner taking medication?

Original poster
AlicebytheSea · 10/12/2020 19:07

@BristolZoo

Hi OP. My husband has severe mental health problems and has, in the past, become paranoid and delusional. It is absolutely not possible to live with somebody like this. Its draining, exhausting and makes you begin to doubt your own sanity. My husband has responded well to medication, thankfully, and i make sure that he takes it every day without fail. Without this life would be impossible for both of us. Is your partner taking medication?
Yes he is taking it. He has begged me to wait while he gets help,seeks CBT etc etc but I cant take anymore. He is aggressive and intimidating and will not believe any explanation. Hes told me I've let him down,caused it all ....
OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/12/2020 19:22

Huge hugs.

You need to emotionally detach. Broken record "it's over I cannot do this anymore"

Thanks
Original poster
AlicebytheSea · 10/12/2020 19:36

@RandomMess yes that's it. True to form he argues the toss, after all, I'm not allowed to feel what I feel am I....so sick of being brow beaten,tormented,accused..I never want another relationship

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/12/2020 20:01

You are not responsible for him or his welfare.

In the past I have been very unwell myself and even then I would tell DH that he couldn't fix me I had to do it for myself and it wasn't his responsibility.

Tell his carr team you are no longer to be involved and are filing for divorce.

Whilst you are his whipping boy he has no incentive to change.

HermioneWeasley · 10/12/2020 20:10

How DARE he say you’ve let him down and caused it. Just because he has mental health issues doesn’t mean he’s not also a nasty, abusive bastard.

Leave him now and don’t look back

bluejelly · 10/12/2020 20:14

He is not your responsibility. You have to look after yourself, first and foremost, or he'll drag you down. Stay strong OP 💪 - you've got this.

Original poster
AlicebytheSea · 10/12/2020 20:25

Hes contacted me to say " I will never hear from him or see him again, he warned me"

What on earth do I do????

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/12/2020 20:31

If you think it's a suicide threat phone the police and ask the to do a welfare check.

timeisnotaline · 10/12/2020 20:31

You call his team or an ambulance I guess, if you think it warranted. Nothing you can or should do personally.

nowishtofly · 10/12/2020 20:32

If you never saw him again that would likely be really good for you. Don't respond. Detach. Look after yourself.

LilyLongJohn · 10/12/2020 20:33

If you're worried about his safety then dial 999, they will be able to send the crisis team to him

ukgift2016 · 10/12/2020 20:36

I agree call the police for a welfare check. They will check up on him.

Take the responsibility away from yourself. He is not your responsibility.

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