For those who've read Why Men Love Bitches...

[YourHairLooksAmazing]

Inspired by a thread where this book was recommended to the OP. I've had a quick look at excerpts online and I think I might need to pick up a copy!

6 months into a new relationship and I think I might be behaving like a bit of a pushover... not in the way I'm being abused or anything, more that I'm probably a bit too eager to please. Apparently this is very off putting 😬

For those that have read it, a) is it any good? and b) is it too late to put any of if it into practise if you've already shown yourself to be a massive people pleaser?

I havent read the book but surely it depends on the person you are with. If you are annoyed with something then just say, but there's no point in being a bitch just for the sake of it. Only you know if you're being too soft.

That book changed my life - seriously! Read it!

Do they do a version for men called Why Women Love Bastards too?

It seems to be less about voicing things you're annoyed with and more about not being so agreeable about every bloody thing (which I'm so guilty of) not being so available all the time and trying to place your own needs above those of whom you're in a relationship with. I'm shit at that. I tend properly adore people I'm involved with... and I let them know. A big no no apparently!

The problem is I don't know if I'm being too soft.
I need it spelling out to me.

I read it a few years ago. Some of it I didn't really agree with, I'd have to completely change my personality to use that advice.

I still have it so should read it again as I am in a totally different mindset now as to when I read it then.

This is exactly it @DDIJ. I find myself wrapping myself in knots to make sure I'm being the perfect partner - attentive, generous, thoughtful etc.
Irony is, apparently this is a massive turn off!

Who knew?

My initial thoughts are that I'm going to have to change who I am as a person, which makes me feel uncomfortable. However, maybe I need to accept that some of my traits are not serving me well.

So, learning to be assertive?

Your post shows why you need to read it, OP

A woman who valued herself would not worry about the effect of putting assertiveness into action. If the man (or woman) fell by the wayside as a result, well ho hum, so much the better. Rid of a user.

Get it.

@TossCointoYerWitcher - there is such a book, but it is called 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood

Not every man wants the same thing. Those kind of books are meant for women who keep making the same mistake in relationships...and probably keep going for the same kind of guy too so they just repeat them over and over.
If she went for a different type of man then they might not even be mistakes in the first place!!

Are there issues in your current relationship?

I think I inadvertently followed some of their recommendations when dating DP in the early days as I was in a weird place head wise. Distracted, distant, often unavailable, i kept him on his toes as he didn’t know if I was going to break up with him at any point.

When we talk about it now he doesn’t really know why he pursued me so hard but he thinks my actions might have made him more interested. Anyway it worked out for us and we’ve been together around nine years now, two children.

I've seen this book mentioned before on here, does anyone have any quotes?

Gotta admit, it sounds like it's on the money

I would start being more assertive because it's better for YOU rather than because a partner would prefer you like that. Start thinking about what you are looking for in someone, rather than what you can be to someone else.

I've read a summary of the main points and I'm not sure it's about being assertive in the traditional sense. More like making yourself seem less needy by not being available on tap, that kind of thing. I could be wrong, I've only read a brief synopsis.

To be honest, I think there are a few issues in my current relationship. I'm too honest about my feelings, too eager to please and have let things slide that I perhaps shouldn't have. This has resulted in a bit of a power imbalance I think.

Yes @justanotherneighinparadise i think this is my problem. I think he feels now that he can do no wrong because I've shown I'm utterly devoted to him.

I need to learn to shut the fuck up and start playing it cool 🙄

Just be yourself! Trying to please him by being a bitch is just the same as twisting yourself into knots to please him at the moment.

Just a couple...

What do you think being assertive means?

It would be healthier to just learn to be assertive in all your relationships, rather than wasting effort playing games and playacting in your intimate relationships.

I have a hard time believing this kind of "people pleasing", submissive behaviour doesn't have a negative impact on your relationships and interactions with other people in your life too.

To be honest @user117226931 I'm not sure.
I just know that I like to keep the peace.
I don't like to be the source of anyones upset so I tend to agree to most things. I do know this isn't healthy. I'm like it in my professional life too.

I might be a lot like what this book refers to as a "bitch". But I'm a busy person, I'm not available all the time. Equally bough if I realluke a man I will tell him. And I have done. I prefer to live and love(sorry) without holding back, because otherwise the just a waste of time, if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't workout. It's not because I didn't show my true feelings. The only reason for holding back is fear that the other person would be put off. And that's no way to live

I read it about a million years ago on the recommendation of a friend. We were both single and trying to find someone at the time.

It’s not really about being bitchy or the sake of it but it is about remembering to be your own person. I don’t remember much relationship advice in there. It was more about boundary setting being ok.

Oh dear so many typos