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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel horrible- snoring

29 replies

Makingplansfornigel · 04/12/2020 17:11

Boyfriend's snoring has become awful recently, he isn't overweight nor does he drink a lot.
It was very loud and kept me awake and i'd find myself tutting and sighing. We don't have a spare room either. I'd listen to relaxing podcasts but could still hear the snoring over it.
He heard me tutting and made reference to it several times. I told him i was sorry and that it was just frustrating being woken up but that I didn't blame him and it wasn't his fault.
One night I had been sleep deprived for the last 4/5 nights and sounds dramatic but ended up breaking down in tears to him.
He seemed really guilty and went to the pharmacy the next day.
I ended up getting some earplugs that work amazingly, and his snoring is also much better than it used to be.
I've told him several times that it's not his fault, but he's told a couple of people about me crying and tutting and I wonder if I was being too harsh.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/12/2020 17:14

He has NO idea what it is like to be you!!!!

If you had woken him up every time you were awake and he was snoring then perhaps he'd have some empathy as to what sleep deprivation is like, it is literal torture!

Original poster
Makingplansfornigel · 04/12/2020 17:15

Yeah, I told him several times I knew he wasn't doing it on purpose and that it was a medical issue, but still feel like i've been harsh. He's talked about the tutting at least 4 times.

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 04/12/2020 17:16

Nope definitely not being harsh. Having a partner snore and keep you awake is awful. My ex used to do it and it got to the point I had to nudge him every time he did it. Does he sleep on his back at all? That’s one of the main triggers for snoring and they suggest sleeping on your side instead.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2020 17:17

Maybe he feels you could have got some ear plugs sooner.

Original poster
Makingplansfornigel · 04/12/2020 17:17

Yeah, maybe.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 04/12/2020 17:17

Only 2 ways to deal with a snorer,,

shout down their ear very loudly to wake them up

Sleep at the opposite end of the house

MrsWooster · 04/12/2020 17:18

Get him to try asonor-it’s hideous, apparently but like a pp said, sleep deprivation is literal torture

scoobydoo1971 · 04/12/2020 17:20

Your boyfriend needs to see a GP to check for sleep apnoea. It is perfectly reasonable to accept and need a decent night's sleep. You can try various strategies to get the snoring stopped in the night like waking them up, or clicking near their ears...to bring them out of deep sleep. However, the underlying cause needs to be located, and it could be tonsils need removing or some other explanation.

user1481840227 · 04/12/2020 17:24

Definitely not harsh at all.
Sleep deprivation is torture so it's not dramatic to break down at all.
It's even used as a form of interrogation because people are likely to break after a few days!

If anything he is the insensitive one and should also be telling you that that outburst wasn't your fault and shouldn't be going around telling people about it and just move on!

IndieTara · 04/12/2020 17:38

I broke up with a fiancé because of his snoring. It was torture and he wouldn't do anything about it

SweatyBetty20 · 04/12/2020 18:13

Speaking from the other side - I am the snorer. I’m 48 and female. I don’t have sleep apnoea, it’s not my weight, and I sleep on my side. I do it every night, for at least an hour, sometimes two, and it drives my boyfriend mad as he is a light sleeper. My GP says that as you hit the menopause your voice box changes, and he thinks that is what is causing it. I am lucky in that I have a spare room I can switch to, but don’t be too harsh on him - for some of us it’s something we have no control over; I don’t know what else I can do to make things better.

MissMogwai · 04/12/2020 18:25

You're not being harsh, it's bloody awful. I really feel for you.

My DP snores horrendously and whilst I know he doesn't do it on purpose, I have been in tears at times as I was so sleep deprived.

I wear wax earplugs which help a bit, and he uses a Snoreeze throat spray which also helps.

When it's bad, it's so loud though, and in hideous bursts of noise that wake me up every few minutes. He has been to the docs and waiting for a referral appointment.

It's caused lots of rows with us as he says just elbow me to turn over, but he sleeps so deeply he doesn't budge. He says he can't help it but that doesn't mean I can sleep through it and don't plan his death at 3am.

RandomMess · 04/12/2020 18:33

We sleep separately now ever since I started waking him up every time!! One of the best methods was putting the duvet over his face 😉

Undies1990 · 04/12/2020 19:58

Don't feel horrible about crying about it. Being sleep deprived is awful and I'm glad earplugs are working well. I've actually recorded my DH snoring on my phone - he was shocked it was so loud! I also find earplugs work well, as does the occasional sharp elbow!

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 04/12/2020 20:20

I am a snorer, too. Not overweight, no drinker. I went to have my sleep tested, and there is nothing they can do about it.
I try to enforce sleeping on my side with a special cushion that makes sleeping on my back unfomfortable.

There is nothing more they can do, luckily DH has no problem with it.

yawnsvillex · 04/12/2020 20:22

I left a partner over his snoring.

It's selfish. Selfish!!!

ChristmasFluff · 04/12/2020 20:40

I mean, why were you tutting and getting passive aggressive? Just wake him up!

And yes, you probably should have got earplugs sooner - but also you should both have been sorting it earlier - which could have happened if you had expressed the problem rather than tutting and huffing.

The tutting is his issue because of the passive aggressive nature of it. I don't blame him - passive-aggression is a dealbreaker for lots of people.

SimonJT · 04/12/2020 21:44

Those squishy swimming earplugs are good.

My partner snores, he isn’t overweight, doesn’t smoke, very rarely drinks. I only recently learned his snoring is caused by his disability, he doesn’t snore quite as much if he is on his front, so if hes being loud I usually roll him onto his tummy.

TirisfalPumpkin · 04/12/2020 21:49

‘Just wake him up’ doesn’t work, though, unless you’re willing to be woken every 20 or so minutes, every night, to wake up an adult who won’t sort their snoring (or move themselves to sleep elsewhere)

Source: years of chronic sleep deprivation

litterbird · 04/12/2020 21:56

I really feel for you. A relationship broke down with his snoring. He was mortified he had it, had tests and in the end we spent thousands of pounds having a small surgery at the back of his throat in Harley Street. It didn't work despite going back several times. Do not underestimate the need for sleep. It will cause you mental health issues and other health issues. I couldn't cope anymore as my job requires me to be rested and alert and I have to tick a box to say that I am fully rested before I start. His snoring was absolutely awful. Even worse after a drink. No where, even with ear plugs in and sleeping far away would work. I had to leave to keep my sanity. It was very difficult. Get him to the doctors to see if anything else is going on with him and put your health first and find a way to sleep elsewhere if you can. It is a serious issue and causes lots of problems in relationships.

LilyLongJohn · 04/12/2020 22:10

He needs to go to the gp. My dh ended up getting some steroid spray for his throat. Worked wonders

alessandraV · 04/12/2020 23:04

I can totally relate. Which earplugs are the best? I use the silicone ones, but I hear the snoring (faintly) anyway. Any recommendation?

MissMogwai · 05/12/2020 08:22

@alessandraV I use Quies wax earplugs. I get them from Amazon.

SheeshazAZ09 · 05/12/2020 08:26

Muffles wax earplugs are fine but bottom line is that people need to sleep in separate room from snorer.

notmrscookie · 05/12/2020 08:33

I have sleep apnea and I get terrified when my partner stays .I have a sleep machine but in his words its a new machine and he has to get used to it. He snores too.
Currently on holiday in a one bed house with v small sofa .Cant wait to get home on monday.

Ear plugs and spare bed will be a holiday request from now on if we survive this break.
You both have my sympathies.