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Relationships

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Original poster

Ending affair

128 replies

fsimv · 04/12/2020 12:09

For 18 months I had an affair with someone we'll call Jenny. It's depressingly cliched, it started as friends, became emotional and then physical. At the time I thought my marriage was over. For the last 6 months my marriage has been improving, I subconsciously started withdrawing from the affair, and then more consciously knew it couldn't continue. Events with Jenny came to a head 3 months ago, at a point where we either left our partners and got together fully, or ended the affair and stayed with our partners. We both have young children.

We made different decisions. I decided to stay with my wife and end the affair. Jenny wanted to leave her husband and for us to get together.

She was completely devastated, she essentially told her husband about us anyway, and their relationship is now all but over.

At the time I thought the kindest thing was to have no more contact with her to give her a chance to recover and move on but she wants to stay in touch.

I don't know how to help her. All the advice about breakups, both affairs and normal is to have an total extended break from each other but this isn't a normal break up. If we weren't both married we would still be together, we still love each other and haven't argued or fallen out.

COVID means she is cooped up at home and can't go out and see people easily. This isn't like a normal relationship ending, it's still secret from everyone so she can't turn to her friends. I am the only person she can talk openly with. Her marriage is disintegrating so she is essentially going through two breakups at once, one is secret, in the middle of a pandemic.

We both went into the affair as equals, but we have come out so differently. We're still meeting in secret, I hug her and we talk and I try to support her but she is so completely broken.

I just don't know how to help her.
Has anyone else been in this position, what helped?

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 04/12/2020 12:23

You need to stop having any contact with her at all. Youre basically still cheating.

"We both love each other and haven't argued or fallen out."

This is your problem- you're still emotionally overinvested DESPITE you wanting to stay with your wife. You're fucking up your families life and that of this other woman. If she had more of a backbone you definitely would have fallen out or argued over how callously you treat everyone around you.

Getting away from you and this situation is what would help her. You've helped her fuck things up enough.

Anordinarymum · 04/12/2020 12:24

OP you sound awfully patronising and smug. Be grateful your wife has not found out

Original poster

fsimv · 04/12/2020 12:26

Is that based on your experience of being in a similar situation?

I'm not looking for angry judgement, I can create plenty of that for myself without help.

OP posts:

Ardenon · 04/12/2020 12:27

I think thisust be a joke post.
There isn't an ounce of remorse. I think it's a post to provoke

GoldenNCurly · 04/12/2020 12:27

Stop contacting her and start working on your marriage...

Original poster

fsimv · 04/12/2020 12:28

@Anordinarymum

OP you sound awfully patronising and smug. Be grateful your wife has not found out

I am very very fucking far from smug. I am very very worried about her mental health.

OP posts:

Notapheasantplucker · 04/12/2020 12:30

fsimv · 04/12/2020 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2020 12:32

Not much in there about being kind to your wife is there?

IJustWantSomeBees · 04/12/2020 12:36

We both went into the affair as equals, but we have come out so differently. We're still meeting in secret, I hug her and we talk and I try to support her but she is so completely broken.

If you want her to be able to move on then let her. How is she supposed to move on with you constantly lingering in her life? You don't need to be a hero here, just leave her alone.

Original poster

fsimv · 04/12/2020 12:37

I could write an essay about how awful I feel and how I regret everything, and how guilty I feel but that would just be self indulgent self-pitying whining and isn't what this post is about.

Maybe it was too much to ask for advice on such a sensitive topic, but if anyone does have some useful advice then it would be helpful.

OP posts:

GoldenNCurly · 04/12/2020 12:37

Agree with pp, what about your wife?
You split with jenny because you wanted to stay with your wife but are continuing the affair. So your options are to either end things with your wife or cut contact with jenny.
Either way someone gets hurt but thats want happens in relationships, especially when one is cheating

StormcloakNord · 04/12/2020 12:38

I think you're being ludicrously unreasonable to expect anyone to want to give you advice when quite frankly you sound like a horrible cunt.

GeorginaTheGiant · 04/12/2020 12:39

She will tell your wife at some point. So you’re better off doing that now, yourself. She is currently hoping you’ll get back with her. When she realises that’s not on the cards she will find her anger and that’s when the shit will truly hit the fan. If you Carr about your wife even a tiny bit you will let her hear this from you rather than the angry OW.

GeorginaTheGiant · 04/12/2020 12:39

*care

Original poster

fsimv · 04/12/2020 12:40

@IJustWantSomeBees

We both went into the affair as equals, but we have come out so differently. We're still meeting in secret, I hug her and we talk and I try to support her but she is so completely broken.

If you want her to be able to move on then let her. How is she supposed to move on with you constantly lingering in her life? You don't need to be a hero here, just leave her alone.

Thankyou, the first helpful response. That was my intention, to cut off all contact and leave her in peace but she was desperate I don't do that. I still think it is the best thing but I've promised now I won't unilaterally do that.

She feels like she has no control over decisions, I have made them all, and for my to unilaterally decide that as well would just be taking another decision away from her, and removing any agency she has left over this.

OP posts:

IJustWantSomeBees · 04/12/2020 12:40

To add, this likely has very little to do with you. The affair was probably her way of acknowledging to herself that she is unhappy, further evidenced by the fact that she told her husband anyway. It can be a very dark thing to admit to yourself that you don't like your life, she has taken that step and is now in pain. You are a side effect of her realising this and now you are just another reminder of how unhappy she is, so as I said above, the best thing for you to do is break it off cleanly and leave her alone. Perhaps channel all this concerned energy into focusing on your marriage and the wife that you have been neglecting.

GeorginaTheGiant · 04/12/2020 12:42

OP I can’t work out why you’re so worried about this woman. You’ve chosen to stay with your wife over her, yet you’re prioritising Jenny’s feelings over what’s best for your marriage at this point. Unless you’re motivated by fear that she will tell your wife, I can’t quite work out your loyalty to Jenny. If you’ve chosen to stay with your wife you need to start pointing ALL of your loyalty in that direction.

ILikeStrongTea · 04/12/2020 12:42

I have no sympathy with either of you, you both brought this mess upon yourselves. Deal with the consequences.

I’m sure your wife wouldn’t be so concerned about poor Jenny’s mental health.

You are still cheating.

Original poster

fsimv · 04/12/2020 12:43

@GeorginaTheGiant

She isn't, she knows that isn't going to happen. She's not trying to persuade me, or wait for it to happen. She won't tell my wife, I'm sure of that. She is very very depressed, and doesn't seem to be getting any better.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2020 12:44

I suspect @GeorginaTheGiant the op is rather enjoying the ego boost of two women falling over themselves for him.

ILikeStrongTea · 04/12/2020 12:45

If you really wanted to make your marriage work you would cut contact. You are still prioritising Jenny.

Freedom1983 · 04/12/2020 12:47

Sent you PM

IJustWantSomeBees · 04/12/2020 12:47

OP, she's an adult and certainly has been involved in decisions: she chose to have an affair with you and to tell her husband. It certainly sounds like she's struggling but there isn't anything you can do to change that.

Original poster

fsimv · 04/12/2020 12:48

@GeorginaTheGiant

Because despite being a "horrible cunt" I actually do have some responsibility to her. I had an affair with her, and I ended it. I can't just treat her as collateral damage in all this.

And I am worried about her mental health, to the extent I worry she is considering self-harm or worse. This isn't about trying to continue an affair, or have-my-cake-and-eat-it, but it is about trying to help someone who is totally devastated stay safe and recover.

OP posts:

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