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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ending affair

128 replies

fsimv · 04/12/2020 12:09

For 18 months I had an affair with someone we'll call Jenny. It's depressingly cliched, it started as friends, became emotional and then physical. At the time I thought my marriage was over. For the last 6 months my marriage has been improving, I subconsciously started withdrawing from the affair, and then more consciously knew it couldn't continue. Events with Jenny came to a head 3 months ago, at a point where we either left our partners and got together fully, or ended the affair and stayed with our partners. We both have young children.

We made different decisions. I decided to stay with my wife and end the affair. Jenny wanted to leave her husband and for us to get together.

She was completely devastated, she essentially told her husband about us anyway, and their relationship is now all but over.

At the time I thought the kindest thing was to have no more contact with her to give her a chance to recover and move on but she wants to stay in touch.

I don't know how to help her. All the advice about breakups, both affairs and normal is to have an total extended break from each other but this isn't a normal break up. If we weren't both married we would still be together, we still love each other and haven't argued or fallen out.

COVID means she is cooped up at home and can't go out and see people easily. This isn't like a normal relationship ending, it's still secret from everyone so she can't turn to her friends. I am the only person she can talk openly with. Her marriage is disintegrating so she is essentially going through two breakups at once, one is secret, in the middle of a pandemic.

We both went into the affair as equals, but we have come out so differently. We're still meeting in secret, I hug her and we talk and I try to support her but she is so completely broken.

I just don't know how to help her.
Has anyone else been in this position, what helped?

OP posts:

IsolaPribby · 04/12/2020 14:28

You are not responsible for her actions, only your own. She chose to have an affair, with full knowledge that you are married.
Going forward, you have chosen to stay with your wife, so you must break things off with her. She must take her own consequences for the fallout in her own life.
It's not nice, but that's because affairs never are.

Yippeeforme · 04/12/2020 14:29

Why do you even want to stay married? In marriage you're supposed to remain faithful when the going gets tough, not just stay loyal when things are good, cheat when things are bad, and then cosy back up to her when things are getting good again. You'll just cheat again in the future when things get tough, and they will.

IndecentFeminist · 04/12/2020 14:30

You can't help her. She's in that awful stage where the only person who can make her feel better is the only person that can't, or made her feel bad in the first place.

She's a big girl, I'm sure she has friends or family she could turn to. If she's too ashamed that is something to reflect on.

I would suggest that you aren't as committed to your wife and marriage as you claim to be, as you are investing way more headspace in an affair than you are on the health of your marriage. If you are still meeting, the affair is ongoing... you're just not shagging right now. But claiming you still love her etc? Full on emotional affair.

You have two choices...tell wife and leave for Jenny. Or don't, and cut all contact with Jenny and commit to wife. You can't keep going in this halfway house as it isn't helping anyone.

I would also suggest that her willingness to tell her husband suggests that she was either hoping to corner you into doing the same, or that her marriage was on the way down anyway which may be contributing to her feelings. I wouldn't put money on her not changing her mind about telling your wife, which may be why you are keen to keep her onside.

Fundamentally you are both quite selfish, weak people. You can either accept that and get together, or remove her from her pedestal and see her for what she is and move on.

JessieR2386 · 04/12/2020 14:31

I don't think the OP is being given a bad time in the circumstances. In fact some of the posts have been trying to help him do the right thing. People have taken time to help.

The problem here is that he has deceived both his wife and his affair partner for an extended length of time. ( Fair enough he doesn't owe the AP the same amount of care as his wife). His wife to this point is oblivious about his level of deceit, his affair partner is not and has reacted badly.

There is only two things he should be doing at the this point, being honest with his wife and telling her about the betrayal so she can make her own mind up and letting his affair partner go and giving her a chance to get over him.

He does not want to do either of these things, I believe possibly, or even probably , for selfish reasons .. although he will argue otherwise all day long. So what else can people say? Good on you? Well done?

Twinkie01 · 04/12/2020 14:33

You've not ended your affair, it's still happening, you are giving time to this woman and head space which you shouldn't be. Your poor wife.

CurrentEvents · 04/12/2020 14:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 04/12/2020 14:52

You've decided to stay with your wife? Has your wife chosen to stay with a cheating scum bag or have you not given her the option? Tell her the truth and let her decide for herself. She deserves the option of having a husband who doesn't sleep around. Also get an STI check incase you've given your poor wife an infection.

Firenight · 04/12/2020 15:08

You can't help her. And that's the hardest part when you care so much. You need to give her space to heal and move on. If you love her, let her go.

HelloTreacle9 · 04/12/2020 15:09

I've been Jenny. Never got to the point where either of us seriously discussed leaving, but if it had done, I would definitely have been keener than him. There was a cycle over a couple of years, of him withdrawing out of guilt and loyalty to his wife (there was never any question that we also both still loved our spouses) and then it being more like having parallel relationships. It's painful when you finally decide to part, but I would say that the only thing that works is a period of complete mutual no contact for at least a month, no matter how worried you are about her, and including Christmas and any birthdays etc. It's completely shit, but it does help, and you WILL both get over it. Give it time and good luck to all of you.

epythymy · 04/12/2020 15:09

Hi OP. I haven't fully read the thread but you've basically asked a bunch of "Wives" for advice regarding an affair. Many women on this board are wives rather than OW and have been in similar positions to your wife. I won't judge you but I can see why you're getting this response.

Now for my advice. Do you love your wife? Why have you stayed with her? Is it out of ease? Because of the children? Because you genuinely are in love with her and want to be with her and will never do anything like this again? Because it honestly reads that you're in love with the OW but staying with your wife because she got there first, basically. Is that the case? If you split with your wife for OW would you be behaving in this way with your wife? Comforting her like this? You must be able to see how inappropriate it is, if you're not planning to go back to OW, to meet her in secret, give her hugs, post on forums about how concerned you are about her. You're giving her hope. If there is none you need to be honest with her and stop speaking to her. Otherwise she'll continue to have that hope.

gottakeeponmovin · 04/12/2020 15:10

I think your wife deserves better but that's not the point of your post. Presumably Jenny knew you were not going to leave your wife when you decided to end your marriage. She has made a decision that she now needs to stick with and I agree with PP she can only deal with biting you back off. That said don't be suprised if she then turns bitter and your wife finds out anyway.

MrsKingfisher · 04/12/2020 15:12

Worried about your shags mental health? Piss off. How about you find a backbone tell your wife about your affair and let her decide if she wants to remain with you.

How you can live with yourself and not tell your wife is beyond me. Men like you disgust me. I hope you get found out and I hope she dumps your smug arse and finds someone who deserves her.

PixelatedLunchbox · 04/12/2020 15:12

@Notapheasantplucker

yep.

GeorginaTheGiant · 04/12/2020 15:18

I agree with a PP. as long as you keep having any contact with Jenny the affair hasn’t ended. It’s a secret relationship behind your wife’s back. Just because you may have stopped shagging her, the deceit is ongoing and getting worse with every day that passes. You can’t feel that guilty or you wouldn’t still be having an illicit relationship behind your wife’s back.

Humperdoo · 04/12/2020 15:26

Wow, your poor wife. You clearly have zero loyalty for her.

celticmissey · 04/12/2020 15:33

Where do you tell your wife you're going when you see Jenny? How you do sleep at night? Jenny is a big girl, she knew what she was letting herself in for as did you when you had the affair. Your wife is in a marriage with a liar and a cheat, how about telling her the truth? and giving her a decision whether or not she wants to stay with you.

She probably will not, if i was her I would send you packing off to Jenny.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2020 15:46

She feels like she has no control over decisions, I have made them all, and for my to unilaterally decide that as well would just be taking another decision away from her, and removing any agency she has left over this.

Seriously? What a twat. None so blind...

Explain how much 'agency' the spouses have in this scenario.

Enquirer20 · 04/12/2020 15:53

@fsimv She is not getting better because she has no reason to. Consider it from this perspective: as things stand currently, you are staying in contact with her because you are concerned about her wellbeing. If she get better, you will likely leave and go back to your wife.

On some level (perhaps not even consciously) she is aware that if depression leaves, so will you. She has no reason to start getting well if that is the likely outcome for her

Pechanga · 04/12/2020 15:54

Jenny did risk it all when she embarked on an affair, unfortunately things haven't worked out for her - at the time she obviously didn't worry about losing her marriage or betraying both your spouses, and now she has been burned.

You are not doing her any favours by being her shoulder to cry on. You need to be cruel here to be kind, she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions, toughen up and move on, without you. You are someone else's husband and do not belong to Jenny.

If you have honestly decided to turn to your marriage and have chosen your wife, then you must do just this. Stop seeing yourself as Jenny's hero, your wife deserves so much better than you playing lip service to staying faithful. Just do it, stay faithful and focussed on just one woman. It's simple.

WhyNotMeThough · 04/12/2020 15:55

OP you are sitting on a ticking time bomb. The OW and her husband, and potentially many others know about this.
A devastated OW, with or without mental health issues, could very well tell your wife. This happened to a friend of mine with devastating results.
Give your wife the option of remaining with you. She will either find out or you'll do it again.
Let her choose her life.

Mydogmylife · 04/12/2020 15:59

Well, as others say your affair isn't really over is it? You're sneaking off to see Jenny behind your wife's back, hugging her , giving her hope that you will Get back together full time. In the meantime your wife is carrying on, presumably oblivious, with a husband who isn't 100% invested in the marriage. Flip it, how would you feel if you were in either of these ladies' positions . You are being unbearably cruel to both, and I can't work out if you know that and don't really care, or are unbelievably naive . Give yourself a shake, work out where you want to be and stick with it, although you may well find that Jenny or her husband will spill the beans and your choice will be made for you.

Original poster

fsimv · 04/12/2020 16:09

Thank you everyone hugely for your replies, there is a lot to read and take on board.

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 04/12/2020 16:31

she cant let go and you seeing her is making it worse

she will hope that one day you'll change your mind you got to cut ties now

mrshonda · 04/12/2020 16:56

As hard as this is to do or to hear, you need to break contact with Jenny. This was never going to end well in any scenario. Jenny clinging on to you, even if only for comfort, will make things worse for her in the long run - she needs to find her feet and her strength so that she can move forward. At the moment, she is holding the future at bay by leaning on you.

JoistLooking · 04/12/2020 16:56

You say you are trying to make it work with your wife and you do not want to rekindle the affair. But what if your wife finds out what has, and what is still going on? Will she understand? You are walking a precariously fine line where both women can get hurt.
Jenny does need support but are you the best person to provide it? I can't see how she is going to get over you if you are still so present for her. Perhaps you could suggest counselling.

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