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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Aibu

25 replies

joy66 · 03/12/2020 23:28

Hi I've previously posted about my relationship. My Dh had an 18 month long affair that came out in September. Emotional and I think physical. The one thing that made me terribly insecure was he was msg other woman from the bathroom (caught him out a couple of times)anyway,I gave him another chance but tonight he "accidentally " took his phone in the bathroom even though I've made it clear this is a real no no on taking him back. He's been cuddling up to me all evening as he could tell something was wrong,I've told him and he said it was an accident but I've had a little cry in the bathroom and come out and now he's asleep without a care in the world and I'm feeling so low and depressed 😞

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Original poster

joy66 · 03/12/2020 23:30

Sorry if that at all unclear,I'm really upset right now

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Krazynights34 · 03/12/2020 23:31

What was an accident? Did he contact her? Why did you stay?

Original poster

joy66 · 03/12/2020 23:33

He's snoring next to me. I think I will go sleep on sofa. He said phone was in his pocket but it wasn't and yet again he was in there for ages😞I might be being paranoid but this is all very new(affair discovered in sept)

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Original poster

joy66 · 03/12/2020 23:35

I've been with him for 20 plus years and we have kids. It seemed it was over and he's been great but this phone in bathroom thing and apparently not caring has thrown me 😞

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AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2020 23:35

You don’t have to stay with him.

It sounds very raw and painful, totally understandable. It might have been a genuine mistake on his part but if it sends you spiralling like this it won’t be the only thing that happens which upsets you so much.

Do you feel able to talk to him about your feelings? Crying and waiting a while to tell him what was upsetting you suggests not easily.

Original poster

joy66 · 03/12/2020 23:41

I do feel able to talk to him and he's been pretty good really but I was a bit upset as he knows I'm upset,was crying in bathroom for literally 5 minutes and come back to him snoring. I've tried not to keep mentioning affair (beyond the initial talking) it may have been a mistake but it's second time I the two months he's been back he's done it☹️I just feel like he doesn't care. I've made it a family rule to have no devices in bathroom so it's not just him. He was spending hours in there messaging her and it's made really insecure ☹️

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AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2020 23:48

How sure are you it’s over with the OW? Did it end because you found out?

After 18 months and when it’s only been 2 months since you found out you’d expect him to be bending over backwards to try and build your trust so if you feel he doesn’t care then it doesn’t look good

Notapheasantplucker · 03/12/2020 23:57

If he cared he'd be making more of an effort to make things right, not arouse your suspicions even more.
Do you really want to feel like this for the rest of your life?
It'll never go away, it's so so hard to forget and any little thing can trigger a whole load of thoughts and emotions leading back to the affair. This will happen even years down the line, I've been there. I know everyone deals with things differently but it's very rare that anyone ever fully recovers from an affair.
You've given him another chance after the affair, and another 2 chances with the phone in the bathroom. You should set your boundaries and stick to them.
Sorry you're going through this op, it's awful

Original poster

joy66 · 03/12/2020 23:58

It was pretty dramatic when I found out. That was the reason it ended. He(and she) had gaslighted me for a year(had no idea first 6months) he broke off with her in front of me and she was v angry/upset. I still thought it had only been going on for 7 months but she revealed 18months which he later confessed to. We have literally been together forever. I'm just crushed he would still take his phone in bathroom,spend ages in there,there fall asleep while I'm crying as that's pretty much what he was doing during affair.

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Original poster

joy66 · 04/12/2020 00:00

Thank you not and I'm sorry you've been here. Things seemed ok till tonight. I'm just gutted as it all seemed ok and now it's come rushing back ☹️

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myhobbyisouting · 04/12/2020 01:17

He's cheating and will continue to do so. Glad the fucker can sleep easy....you deserve better

Florist1970 · 04/12/2020 01:43

They pretend to be asleep, it's denying you your voice, you want to talk but they deny you that, take back your voice, the best way is to ignore them, focus on YOU, what do you want?

Manxiety · 04/12/2020 08:34

This is all very fresh and very raw OP, and still easily within the realms of you needing him to give you full disclosure and follow what rules you set to regain the trust. It was just 2 months ago FGS!

Tell him how you feel and that if this is going to work between you he needs to hand that phone over for you to check. Have a good rummage - they often forget that the battery shows what's been used the most - and do not feel bad. In The State of Affairs, Esther Perel says it can take a year to fully get back on track. If he is serious then he needs to change but be wary as it does sound like he's hedging his bets.

Clearly the OW knew he was married yet continued the affair. Did he tell her he would leave you? What's the deal there?

Original poster

joy66 · 04/12/2020 20:28

You are absolutely right . It's very raw still and I thought I was coping but obviously not. Ow was a family friend. They both lied to me repeatedly. He has been great over all. Letting me check phone etc. I just feel very low about whole thing.

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Newwayofthinking · 04/12/2020 21:21

He hasn't been great, he's being fucking someone else for 18 months and only stopped because you found out.

He has taken his phone in the bathroom twice since you you d out two months ago and fell asleep while you were crying and basically ignored you.

Tell him to get fucked permanently.

Honeyroar · 04/12/2020 21:30

18 months!! How do you get past 18 months of lies?? And he’s not even trying to make you feel better or listen to you.

Original poster

joy66 · 04/12/2020 21:31

You are right that wasn't great ☹️I just meant he's let me check his phone generally since he's been back and been loving with me.

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Original poster

joy66 · 04/12/2020 21:32

He's been really lovely towards me since I found out and let him back. But this made me really insecure again ☹️

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Honeyroar · 04/12/2020 21:38

But it’s only been a couple of months. You’re not going to be able to just forget and move on. He’s got to keep making it up to you, listening, understanding why you’re upset. He can’t just turn over and go to sleep when it suits him. You’re not being unreasonable at all because you’re not just bouncing back all happy like a jack in a box!

Dollyrocket · 04/12/2020 21:49

Have you had any counselling?

Have to say, I’m astounded you’ve stayed with him after the 18 months magnitude of his deceit..

You don’t have to stay with him just because you’ve been together for so long. You’re perfectly entitled to your feelings and to express those EVERY SINGLE TIME.

From what you’ve shared so far, it sounds like he’s more or less carried on as normal and completely got away with it. Was there a period where he moved out or had to do anything to earn back your trust? Any counselling?

Do you have any support from friends or family?

Original poster

joy66 · 04/12/2020 22:01

We are doing online counselling which is helping. You are absolutely right I should be able to express my upset and him make it up but I just find it so hard as I'm a people pleaser and have really low self esteem.you are absolutely right he has pretty much carried on as normal and my friend said he's had no punishment. He moved out for a week after I found msg saying he loved other woman and hated it here but evidently the grass wasn't greener and he came back. I've never had another boyfriend,we've been together since I was 16 apart from a 6 month break when I was sixteen and he went off with my friend.

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Newwayofthinking · 05/12/2020 09:44

Of course he is being nice and loving, he doesn't want to lose his home comforts.

How do you know 100% he isn't still in touch with her?

I can message someone, delete me texts and then tell you to look at my phone...

BigMetalPebbles · 05/12/2020 12:24

Oh right so you're actually still in your 30s. And have school age kids? The cynical might say he is trying to postpone a divorce until after the kids leave home as that affects the settlement.

litterbird · 05/12/2020 18:05

Oh you poor thing, you must be in turmoil. These things take years to recover from, and thats if you can recover. You only need to look on MN to see that many women took their cheating husbands back only to find them up to no good again. I would be very, very insecure about him going to the bathroom and staying in there with the phone. I think you know as I do, an 18 month relationship is not just an "oops sorry made a mistake", this was a full blown relationship running alongside yours. It finished because you discovered it. Anyway, how do you move on from what has just happened? Clearly, he is not at all bothered as he can sleep easily. You need to become assertive with how you feel, how you want him to respond to you and put in boundaries. I really do feel he may well be talking to her again. They commonly start the affair again after its quietened down at home. Now the ball is in your court....you say what YOU need and he must tow the line on the beat of your drum. Anything less and he must leave.

nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 05/12/2020 18:09

As a PP said I'd put money on it that he's trying to stop a divorce until the children are older to avoid having to pay out for them. If you still feel you can't trust him enough to take his phone with him to the loo your relationship must be very emotionally draining. A full year of cheating shows capability for major deceit

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