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Original poster

Involuntary celibate

55 replies

CatsLoveChristmasTrees · 03/12/2020 19:38

Can anyone relate?

I am married but unfortunately, no longer have a sex life. My husband has lost interest over the past four years or so, and can not maintain an erection. He tried viagra but he doesn't like it so won't take it again. So that's that.

Unfortunately, the loss of sex drive on his part has also resulted in no interest in intimacy either beyond a short hug and a peck on the lips. I am finding it hard. Of course physically I can use toys and things but I feel quite sad and empty at not having an intimate sexual relationship with an actual human being.

If I left the marriage I would lose my home and be worse off financially, and I would be putting myself through a lot of struggles. That just seems an extreme step to take due to not having sex - and if I left for that reason it's not as if it would resolve the issue as I can't see myself ever finding anyone else.

Sometimes he says he will think about 'giving me sex' and taking the viagra again, but he never does. But I tell him I don't want to be 'given' sex - I would rather never be touched again than have sex with a man who felt he was doing me a favour!

I am not sex mad, but is it too much to want some sort of sex life? With someone who actually wants to? I can't be the only woman in this situation, surely

OP posts:
Namechanged1122 · 03/12/2020 19:42

You are not the only woman in this situation, and it's a perfectly valid reason to leave.

Maze76 · 03/12/2020 20:39

Have you thought about having an open marriage?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/12/2020 20:48

I'd personally rather be poor and sexually fulfilled than well-off and sexless, but I know its not the same for everyone.

I also think if you discreetly get your needs met elsewhere then he can't really complain. And I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed, before anyone comes out with that old chestnut.

5pForAPlasticBag · 03/12/2020 20:50

What doesn’t he like about Viagra?

bornninthe80s · 03/12/2020 20:56

My OH could have written your post Sad

Then I had a termination a few months ago (unsuccessful at first, procedure had to be repeated) and have hated the idea of anything sex/physical since. Not that things were wild before (young DC so been much less for a couple of years anyway).

Would you consider counselling? We should probably do that but I think I've become a bit asexual lately so actually don't think of 'not having sex' as an issue.

Hope you're okay OP. Thank you for being so honest in your post x

strangertimes · 03/12/2020 20:57

How old are you OP?

edwinbear · 03/12/2020 21:07

I also think if you discreetly get your needs met elsewhere then he can't really complain

^^ This. And I say this as someone whose DH has refused sex for the last 10 years.

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/12/2020 21:12

I would leave. It's soul destroying. My ex is an alcoholic and was abusive because of this but for over 4 years at the back end of our relationship he never wanted sex. He said he could not get an erection because of the alcohol which made sense but his porn addiction and pots of baseline he used suggested otherwise! My confidence was non existent after my first horrifically abusive first marriage and I just felt like I was so very ugly and my body must just be disgusting. But my Fiance is an absolutely awesome man who says they were just abusive and its not true but no sex just begins to make you question yourself.

MumsDirtyTeaTowel · 03/12/2020 21:18

I'm in a similar position, but I've lost my drive now as a result of the situation. I don't know if I'd want to be physical again even if he suddenly started wanting a sexual relationship.

It would be so very difficult to leave, I don't want to go into why, and I'm just sort of hanging in here, hoping life will improve.

popsydoodle4444 · 03/12/2020 21:23

I think your DH is selfish and lazy.

His penis may not work anymore but the rest of him does.There are lots of other ways to be intimate other than penetration.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a roommate rather than a husband?

His is willing to see a couples counsellor with you?,what about couples sex therapist?

Newtoittoo · 03/12/2020 21:24

@edwinbear

I also think if you discreetly get your needs met elsewhere then he can't really complain

^^ This. And I say this as someone whose DH has refused sex for the last 10 years.

Whilst I am of the same opinion, if you do choose to go down this route, I would NOT recommend you come on MN to get advice about the fact that you have chosen to do this / how to go about it / any advice about the resulting situation....

This forum is absolutely great for support and advice generally, but if you actually did choose this route, many would see it differently....

Counselling / medical advice and communication are obviously things to try....

But if your partner simply doesn’t view you in that way and there are reasons you feel you can’t leave - well, life is short...

But I would say that ultimately it is likely come to a head one way or another so do think about what you are hoping for long term.

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 03/12/2020 21:28

I would have a discreet affair on the side or quick shags

In an ideal world you would leave but we all know it's not as simple as that, where home and money is concerned.

He is not willing to do anything about it and isn't interested so honestly I wouldn't blame you.
Have your fun elsewhere, there are lots and lots od people online who are married and want discreet affairs, you'll be flooded.

Have a bit of fun and some kink, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow Grin

Shetoshe · 03/12/2020 21:36

how old are you OP? Is there DC involved? I don't think I'd have an affair, they never end well and if you have DC that could have disastrous consequences, have you had a frank conversation with him about your need for intimacy? If it's too hard to have in person, write him an email. Explain cleary the impact it's having on you, suggestions for how you would like to improve things and then leave the ball in his court. If he still has no interest in making any changes then I'd leave.

Popcornismandatory · 03/12/2020 21:37

I could have written your post OP it's a really shitty way to live and I'm compensating by staying up into the early hours after he's gone to bed watching feel good tv and drinking heavily.
It's a very lonely life.

SilverRoe · 03/12/2020 21:58

and how would he feel about opening your marriage so you could have a chance at a decent sex life? i’m betting not great.

Heartofstrings · 03/12/2020 22:07

My marriage is exactly like this. I've had some very frank conversations with my husband.

He is going for a blood test in the new year but has also said we are ok to have an open relationship. I've just started seeing someone. We are discrete about it but it's fun so far. Although we haven't slept together yet

Original poster
CatsLoveChristmasTrees · 03/12/2020 22:11

He doesn't like viagra because he thinks he feels unnatural.

I am 29, no children.

OP posts:
Divebar · 03/12/2020 22:19

29? Oh Lord OP you’re so young. I’m in the same boat but am much older and it’s been going on a long time. Don’t be me!

KarmaNoMore · 03/12/2020 22:26

You can love someone a lot but there is a difference between fraternal love and couples love, it is the attraction that makes you a couple otherwise you are friends, brothers or flatmates, so it is not a small thing you can ignore that he is no longer attracted to you.

If he is having a bad time, under stress, having pressing worries, I would try to be patient and wait for things to get better, but if he is ok and seems happy with himself, I guess that you need to decide whether you want to stay married to a good friend or find a more fulfilling relationship because I can assure you that, if he has fallen out of love, pressuring him for sex will only increase the distance between you.

JessieR2386 · 03/12/2020 22:37

It's up to you what you choose you do with your life but I would be considering leaving this marriage. It might impact you financially and you might miss other parts of the relationship but you are 29 years and involuntary celibate with a man who just isn't interested in changing the status quo.

I'm mid forties with adult children and I wouldn't tolerate a sexless marriage. I wouldn't look to cheat or "open" up the marriage, whatever it's called unless these are things that you are completely comfortable with doing, because to do otherwise would be eroding your own boundaries and I don't think it would take you anywhere good.

emeraldcity2000 · 03/12/2020 22:37

@CatsLoveChristmasTrees

He doesn't like viagra because he thinks he feels unnatural.

I am 29, no children.

Do you want children op? Giving up sex is one thing, children might be quite another ....
amillionwishes · 03/12/2020 22:40

You're 29? How old is he?

aeiouaeiouaeiou · 03/12/2020 22:42

Is he gay? I think it's a life of misery ahead if you stay.

Dery · 03/12/2020 22:42

29!?!? How long does he expect you to tolerate this situation? How long do you expect to? You could easily live another 50/60 years or more. Do you want to spend them in a marriage with no intimacy?

And as PP said, PE needn’t stop him pleasuring you but he clearly can’t be arsed.

I think you’d be better if cutting your losses and moving on. It’s not the lack of sex but the absence of physical and emotional intimacy and tenderness which suggests your relationship is dead in the water.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/12/2020 22:46

He doesn't like viagra because he thinks he feels unnatural

I would say what's more unnatural is he thinks he's doing you some so if massive favour by "giving you sex"

That alone would make me tell him to take his floppy shrimp and stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

His behavior and attitude has passive aggressive power struggle written allover it.

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