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Involuntary celibate

55 replies

CatsLoveChristmasTrees · 03/12/2020 19:38

Can anyone relate?

I am married but unfortunately, no longer have a sex life. My husband has lost interest over the past four years or so, and can not maintain an erection. He tried viagra but he doesn't like it so won't take it again. So that's that.

Unfortunately, the loss of sex drive on his part has also resulted in no interest in intimacy either beyond a short hug and a peck on the lips. I am finding it hard. Of course physically I can use toys and things but I feel quite sad and empty at not having an intimate sexual relationship with an actual human being.

If I left the marriage I would lose my home and be worse off financially, and I would be putting myself through a lot of struggles. That just seems an extreme step to take due to not having sex - and if I left for that reason it's not as if it would resolve the issue as I can't see myself ever finding anyone else.

Sometimes he says he will think about 'giving me sex' and taking the viagra again, but he never does. But I tell him I don't want to be 'given' sex - I would rather never be touched again than have sex with a man who felt he was doing me a favour!

I am not sex mad, but is it too much to want some sort of sex life? With someone who actually wants to? I can't be the only woman in this situation, surely

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 03/12/2020 22:47

*some sort of massive favour...

Oreservoir · 03/12/2020 22:47

How old is your dh?
OP your young enough and without dc to manage financial struggles.
Good God I'm in my 60's and dh and I have a very active sex life.
At your age you effectively could have 50 plus years of just being housemates.
Get out and have a life while you can.

Namechangedforthisoct2 · 03/12/2020 22:47

Od rather walk out of the house with nothing but the clothes on my back, than live like that.
Sorry OP.
You’re 29! Go live your life!

NewlyGranny · 03/12/2020 22:56

At 29, don't settle for a marriage devoid of physical intimacy and affection. You won"t walk away empty handed and you are young enough to start again. At your age you have no need to be dependent on anybody. Also you have grounds for divorce right there - unreasonable behaviour.

Get some good legal advice and suss out the marital finances before mentioning the D word so he can't hide assets from you.

Livpool · 03/12/2020 23:02

I couldn't be in a relationship in which sex was off the table. If he won't discuss/do anything then maybe consider leaving.

I think this kind of relationship can only work if both parties agree and are content . Otherwise it is unfair.

category12 · 03/12/2020 23:03

If I left the marriage I would lose my home and be worse off financially, and I would be putting myself through a lot of struggles. That just seems an extreme step to take due to not having sex - and if I left for that reason it's not as if it would resolve the issue as I can't see myself ever finding anyone else.

You're 29. Starting over at 29 is relatively easy. Don't waste your youth and fertility window (if you want dc), pouring more years into an unsatisfactory marriage.

It's madness to stay, especially if you want children.

edwinbear · 03/12/2020 23:19

Having now seen you’re 29 with no DC, I retract my previous comment. Leave OP, you don’t have the ties I do in my own sexless marriage, you have a whole life ahead of you. Go and find a man who wants endless wild sex, have DC, don’t settle. You will only find yourself miserable and bitter ten years down the line when it will be even harder to go.

Sadlonely67 · 03/12/2020 23:24

Bloody hell youre 29! In your prime!

Now is the time to leave. You are young enough to start over again and find someone who will properly love you. Sex is the least of your problems in my opinion. He isn’t putting you first or considering your needs.

Try couples counselling / therapy but I suspect you will be much happier if you start over again. Sure it won’t be easy and will take time, but you’ll be able to find a much more rewarding relationship - and everything else will fall into place. Best of luck Flowers

HosannainExcelSheets · 03/12/2020 23:25

I thought you were at least going to say you were later 60s... not 29! You can't live the rest of your life like this.

So if you can't discuss an open marriage or you don't want one, it's time to think about leaving.

Catforaheadrest · 03/12/2020 23:27

29!!! Start again! I got divorced at 29 and so can you! I actually separated from my partner at 27 or 28. But if you were 39 I’d still be flabbergasted!

chuffinno · 03/12/2020 23:29

Wow, 29. Time for a fresh start I think!

Osirus · 03/12/2020 23:35

OP, your sex drive is likely to rocket in your 30s; get out now.

This will just get worse for you.

HotelliFinlandia · 03/12/2020 23:37

OP he's telling you that your intimate physical needs are not equal to his. If they were, he'd actually try to find out why this was going on and try to resolve it, talk to you about it or figure out ways that work for you both for him to give you pleasure.

So, now he's made that clear, you have two options.

  1. Stay and accept this situation
  2. Leave because you don't accept it any more.

You don't have 3. Try to get him to change or change the situation, because he's had plenty of time for that and well, it's not happened.

At 29 with no kids I'd DEFINITELY leave. It will be sad, it will be difficult. Both of those aspects are minuscule, however, in comparison to staying together and one day (somehow) having kids and then wanting to leave. This is the best time for you to find happiness and sexual fulfilment (or fun) with someone else. Don't sell yourself short: you don't get this time back and you get no awards for staying involuntarily celibate.

PandaBearCub · 03/12/2020 23:38

You’re 29 with no children, which means if you’re unhappy with your marriage you can start over. How old is he? Does he have depression or another illness? Could he be gay?

PirateCatQueen · 03/12/2020 23:41

At your age, with no kids, I think divorce is your best bet.

I know a couple in their early fifties in a similar position to the one you describe now. They’ve been together since their twenties. Spark fizzled out in their thirties and they split up, one bought the other out of their flat. It was the asexual one who instigated the split incidentally, they thought it wasn’t fair on the other one, didn’t want them to miss their chance to have kids etc.

The sexual one even got married to someone else, and when that ended in divorce lived with another partner for a couple of years. The other had a long term live-in relationship (no sex in the latter though, just affection and emotional support).

But they stayed very close, absolute best friends. To be honest I think that always got in the way of their other relationships.

In their forties decided they wanted to get back together. To grow old together and look after one another. They were past the stage where kids might happen and knew they were never going to find anyone else they lived or liked as much.

So they split up with partners, bought a house together, got married (to make things like pensions and inheritance easier if one died young).

The one who still wants a sex life has permission to go outside the marriage. They tend to go for relationships lasting from three months to a year, with someone who knows about the marriage. This made easier by the fact the asexual one is very career driven and for the last six or seven years has been working abroad a lot, setting up an overseas branch for their company and working there. The asexual one also has permission, and actually had a few one night stands at the beginning, but that fizzled out pretty quick. I think they did it mostly so the other wouldn’t feel guilty to be honest.

The temporary partner is welcome to socialise with the long-term couple. Nights out, holidays together, trips to see the person working abroad (glamorous location and high salary) sometimes even living in the marital home.

It works pretty well for the married couple. Not so sure about the temporary partners though. There have been a lot of hurt there, sometimes because the kind of person who’ll accept that set-up often has some issues of their own to start with, or is naive enough to think that they’ll eventually be included in the same level or even that the couple will split up, which is never going to happen.

EstuaryBird · 03/12/2020 23:44

I’ve been in the same situation for many years but I’m 65. I’m too old to start again and luckily I had a good sex life until about 10 years ago so have lots of memories (not just of current husband). I can’t face losing my home and having to split my retirement money.

You’re 29. Don’t think twice, you have so much life ahead of you. If I was 29 I’d be gone tomorrow. You only get one go at life.

KarmaNoMore · 03/12/2020 23:50

29? Run, you are too young to waste your life this way.

Heyahun · 04/12/2020 00:18

Omg I assumed you’d say you were in your 60s or something- gawd you can’t go on like this ! Plenty of time to move on with someone new
Get out!

Feminem · 04/12/2020 07:14

@popsydoodle4444

I think your DH is selfish and lazy.

His penis may not work anymore but the rest of him does.There are lots of other ways to be intimate other than penetration.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a roommate rather than a husband?

His is willing to see a couples counsellor with you?,what about couples sex therapist?

This!

Sex isn't just penetration and if your feelings mattered to him there's a lot more he could do to satisfy you. Kissing and touching at the very least!!

You're very young OP. You've got time to reboot your life with someone new. Don't settle for dissatisfaction - it will only result in resentment and kill your marriage when you're more invested and older. X

Anothernick · 04/12/2020 08:00

From a male perspective your DH is absolutely not normal in not wanting sex in his 20s. He should be after it at every possible opportunity at that age, and, indeed, until he is several decades older. It's hard to believe he has no desire, more likely that he is releasing it in another way, porn, OW, or as others have suggested he may be gay.

Sex, and affection, is essential to a successful and happy LTR, hard to see a way forward for you with this man.

BigMetalPebbles · 04/12/2020 08:05

29!
I know of a couple literally twice your age, where the husband is on drugs to strip all the testosterone from his body to keep him from dying of prostate cancer. Because of this he naturally finds his sex drive gone and his erections too, but NONETHELESS they still manage to find ways to have sexual relations together and to experience that shared joy and intimacy, because they love each other dearly.

If your DH won't go to the doctor and get thoroughly checked out then go, now. I would say "just go!", but in case there's a physical cause underlying not only the impotence but the unwillingness to have it checked out, I added that caveat...

CodenameVillanelle · 04/12/2020 08:09

Omg you're still in your 20s! Get out, get out now!!!
I'm absolutely serious. This marriage will destroy your life.

Veterinari · 04/12/2020 08:09

You have the right to a healthy sex life. He has the right to decline. You may not be compatible. Is this a deal breaker for you?

Also as an aside I'd avoid using the term involuntary celibate - it does literally deceive your situation but unfortunately it has connotations

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel

Longtalljosie · 04/12/2020 08:17

29! God almighty! Don’t assume you’d be worse off financially. If you own a home (and since you’re married it is a marital asset) you should have enough to set up again. With no children to maintain you should be fine. I met my DH at 30 and three quarters. From your OP I assumed you were in your 50s with kids and had taken a lighter career path to do the childcare.

Branleuse · 04/12/2020 08:21

At 29 I think its time to move on. Its inevitable anyway.
If you were a lot older, id suggest getting a really discreet lover

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