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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've met someone - but I am married

67 replies

bloggerbloggerblog · 03/12/2020 16:40

My marriage is not good and i have been unhappy for a number of years. He would say he adores me, but actions speak louder than words. There is too much he has done to go into right now. I have always been planning on leaving him, no timescales but knew it was on the cards for me when the time is right, if there is ever a right time. No ducks in a row as such, but lots of thoughts there.
The issue is I have met someone, I didn't go out looking for it, it just happened. We clicked at work (he came into the shop). Nothing has happened, he has been into the shop a few times and we have chatted for the last 2 months, in depth. He knows my situation. He is my type all over, he is single, he has told me he fancies me. This could be something, this could be nothing. He could be a player, i have no idea (dont think he is). I would like to find out though but I'm not ready to leave the marriage yet due to other issues going on which mean I couldn't and wouldn't suggest separating at this time, i would need another 6-7 months yet.
What to do ? if this man is serious then he would wait ? do i forget the OM ? i don't want to work on my marriage, it is unsalvageable. I wouldn't do anything with OM until I was separated.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 03/12/2020 16:44

You need to leave your husband if you're unhappy and feel its unsalvageable. If you're so ready to leave, I can't imagine what is holding this up?

AlternativePerspective · 03/12/2020 16:44

You forget the OM.

If you’re unhappy in the marriage and want to leave then take steps to leave. Even if you do leave you should not leave for another man, you should leave because the marriage isn’t working for you. if the other man is still there after 6/7 months or however long then you can pursue things. If not then it wasn’t meant to be.

But saying you want to know if this man could work out but don’t want to leave your marriage is having your cake and eating it and does not make you a good person.

Aside from which, what kind of man tells a married woman that he fancies her even if he knows about the state of her marriage. Talk about him leading you on?

Walk away from him OP, this won’t end well.

SoupDragon · 03/12/2020 16:44

Forget the other man and sort out your marriage (ie end it as you say it is in salvageable)

TeaOneSugar · 03/12/2020 16:50

End the marriage with dignity, spend some time on your own, at least until the divorce is finalised and then think about dating.

Affairs and leaving with a pre planned relationship in mind are despicable.

blue30 · 03/12/2020 16:52

Trust me, getting involved with someone else at this point will make the next few years a lot shitter than they need to be.

JessieR2386 · 03/12/2020 16:54

So you are using your husband for financial reasons until you are ready to leave him, but using the time to set up the next relationship? And you want advice? Em, start being honest and leave your husband. Does that work? This new guy will probably disappear as it is your unavailable status that appeals ( decent men don't chat up married women).

SecretOfChange · 03/12/2020 16:55

Separation and divorce is very emotionally heavy - I would suggest getting together with someone new a year or so after you're divorced. For now, you can treat it is as another sign that you're not happy in your marriage and to give you confidence that you need to do what you need to do.

TheSnootiestFox · 03/12/2020 16:57

Disagree with the above advice, its ridiculous. It can take years to get divorced Hmm and if your marriage is anything like mine was, you'll have done your grieving for it already and the thought of a new life with someone else is the only thing keeping you going. You do need to end your marriage though, an affair isn't fair on anyone. Get out now before anything gets messy!

butterpuffed · 03/12/2020 17:12

Would you have decided to leave your husband if you hadn't met this man ?
You say if this man is serious he would wait but all you've done is chat to each other where you work.

RB68 · 03/12/2020 17:21

Get out of the marriage, divide the assets and finalise that and divorce...find your own place physically and mentally. Dating is possible after things are sorted BUT if you are in a relationship it does complicate matters and can make them bitter - far better sort out one thing and as you say if he is interested he will give you space

Lavenderfieldsofprovence · 03/12/2020 17:25

@JessieR2386

So you are using your husband for financial reasons until you are ready to leave him, but using the time to set up the next relationship? And you want advice? Em, start being honest and leave your husband. Does that work? This new guy will probably disappear as it is your unavailable status that appeals ( decent men don't chat up married women).
This. Especially the last sentence.
slidingdrawers · 03/12/2020 17:34

So you see this OM as your meal ticket out of your current situation?

AnyFucker · 03/12/2020 17:38

I wouldn't do anything with OM until I was separated

That horse has bolted. Leave your marriage or don't but you are not fooling anyone.

IEat · 03/12/2020 17:43

If your not prepared to leave your husband then you we'd to leave this other man alone. He deserves to be with someone who can be with him whole heartidly.

Sexnotgender · 03/12/2020 17:46

You’ve always planned to leave your husband? So leave him. You’re being awful.

Regardless of this other bloke.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/12/2020 17:46

Leave your marriage.

Consider whether a decent bloke goes into shops, gets chatting and thinks it's appropriate to tell married women who work there that he fancies them.

He sounds like a dick. You sound like you're trying to justify having your cake and eating it too.

End your marriage. Don't list after dickheads.

Thismustbelove · 03/12/2020 17:48

Crazy advice being given here. You wouldn't be looking at another man unless you had absolutely no feelings for your husband and this man knows of your situation which is why he is chatting/flirting with you.

I would finish the marriage before embarking on an affair though. As you already know and said, this man may not come to anything, so leaving the marriage first means your head won't be clouded and the divorce won't be more complicated.

Its a good idea to have time on your own too to clear your head and find happiness rather than go from one bad relationship straight into another. Enjoy removing the burden of what is a bad relationship first.

MushMonster · 03/12/2020 17:52

OM is nothing. He most likely wants you because he knows you are married and not leaving your husband, so wants som free fun. I would forget all about him.
I would concentrate on leaving the marriage you are in. If your head can be so easily turned, you need to end it. So do so. For whatever reason you want to wait, that is not right. Do not drag it on, and finish your marriage.
Do not be tempted to get in a rebound straight away. It will inly cloud your judgement and be another issue to deal with.

Brakebackcyclebot · 03/12/2020 17:55

I'm not ready to leave the marriage yet due to other issues going on which mean I couldn't and wouldn't suggest separating at this time, i would need another 6-7 months yet

What are these issues? It sounds like excuses....

Oblomov20 · 03/12/2020 18:24

Agree. Excuses. You sound like you want approval, but you already know that none of us are going to give you that.

Iflyaway · 03/12/2020 19:03

I agree with all of the above. Do not overlap relationships. That is cheating on them both really.

What is making you so afraid to leave a bad marriage? Best thing I ever did. You only get one life.

Leave the shop man where he belongs. He's a stranger. Get your ducks in a row and onwards and upwards in 2021. Take time to be alone and fix your own life without expecting a man to do it. (You know it doesn't work).

Or you could hang on to your life as it is until 2030 ad infintitum.. The choice is yours, and yours alone.

DoWahDiddy · 03/12/2020 19:13

I was that shop guy, not OP's shop guy, but had a flirtashionship with a woman who worked in a shop. So I asked her out and that's when she dropped the fact she has two kids and lives with father.

Reading between the lines, she probably just wanted attention. Even though I desire her, I backed off. I let her be. It's called integrity.

OP, do you think the OM in your case has much integrity?

SunshineCake · 03/12/2020 19:15

Seems like you are using your oblivious husband until it suits you to leave and keeping fancy man waiting.

VodselForDinner · 03/12/2020 19:18

Spare us the back-of-hand-against-the-forehead “I’ve met someone” tripe. You’re considering having a physical affair, and are already having an emotional affair.

Your husband could be an utter dick, but cheating doesn’t exactly give you the huger mora ground, does it?

Forget about the other man, leave your marriage, sort yourself out.

yearinyearout · 03/12/2020 19:27

Some harsh replies on here! None of us know the ins and outs of the OP's relationship or the exact conversations she's had with this OM.

Sounds like you're ready to leave your marriage though OP, and it would muddy the waters if you started anything too soon I think. I agree with the posters saying sort out your separation first. If this guy genuinely likes you he may well still be around when you're ready to pursue something, if he isn't then it's not meant to be.

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