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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've met someone - but I am married

67 replies

bloggerbloggerblog · 03/12/2020 16:40

My marriage is not good and i have been unhappy for a number of years. He would say he adores me, but actions speak louder than words. There is too much he has done to go into right now. I have always been planning on leaving him, no timescales but knew it was on the cards for me when the time is right, if there is ever a right time. No ducks in a row as such, but lots of thoughts there.
The issue is I have met someone, I didn't go out looking for it, it just happened. We clicked at work (he came into the shop). Nothing has happened, he has been into the shop a few times and we have chatted for the last 2 months, in depth. He knows my situation. He is my type all over, he is single, he has told me he fancies me. This could be something, this could be nothing. He could be a player, i have no idea (dont think he is). I would like to find out though but I'm not ready to leave the marriage yet due to other issues going on which mean I couldn't and wouldn't suggest separating at this time, i would need another 6-7 months yet.
What to do ? if this man is serious then he would wait ? do i forget the OM ? i don't want to work on my marriage, it is unsalvageable. I wouldn't do anything with OM until I was separated.

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 03/12/2020 19:30

“ Consider whether a decent bloke goes into shops, gets chatting and thinks it's appropriate to tell married women who work there that he fancies them.”

I know someone who is married because he did that!

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2020 19:33

What’s going to change in 6 months?

cardswapping · 03/12/2020 19:46

There are two issues here that are separate. Your marriage is one, your lack of belief that you can be whole alone (I say this because you could not address your marriage issues until another potential man appears).

Put the OM on the back burner and address 1 and 2 first. If after you solved these, you are still interested in OM and he is in you, fine, go for date. But until then you should work on you. You are complete.

Dreamingofvenice · 03/12/2020 21:02

I was in a similar situation to you. Knew my marriage had failed but felt like I couldnt leave/had other things I needed to do first/was too scared.
Meeting somebody else was the push I needed we have now been together 7 years 2 lovely kids and very happy together.
Dont have an affair though leave your marriage and then go for that date!!

strangertimes · 03/12/2020 21:15

If you want to go there, end your marriage. There’s nothing wrong with having this guy as a friend but this shows you the marriage is dead.

DoWahDiddy · 03/12/2020 21:25

@strangertimes

If you want to go there, end your marriage. There’s nothing wrong with having this guy as a friend but this shows you the marriage is dead.
Can I pick your brains on this? Not wanting to go off on a tangent here. As the 'shop guy' in a similar situation, the woman said we could be friends and go for coffee.

My thoughts were that if we went down that route then I'd be wondering if something more would happen and that would be deceitful and manipulative. I would be a pretend friend.

How does that square with you?

TossCointoYerWitcher · 03/12/2020 21:34

Crazy advice being given here. You wouldn't be looking at another man unless you had absolutely no feelings for your husband

Maybe for the OP, but as a general rule? Bollocks! So that means every middle-aged guy who gets his head turned by a girl half his age is only doing so because they've no feelings for their wives (often, dare I say it, the wives they stay with even when the affair gets rumbled), yeah?

Newtoittoo · 03/12/2020 21:37

@Brakebackcyclebot

I'm not ready to leave the marriage yet due to other issues going on which mean I couldn't and wouldn't suggest separating at this time, i would need another 6-7 months yet

What are these issues? It sounds like excuses....

Sounds like a school academic year to me and not totally messing up a child’s exams, in an already particularly messed up year????
Ariesbaby89 · 03/12/2020 21:59

Oh please, just be honest! You’ve been cheating on your OH and think the grass is greener. Go for it, leave everything behind for a man you’ve known 2 months. You’ve already done a lot so there’s no point in pretending anymore.

Be honest with your OH and end things now. It’s just cruel to carry on like this.

And I will say that whilst I don’t know the things your OH has supposedly done. But you’re no better.

Viviennemary · 03/12/2020 22:03

Your marriage isn't happy. So you either leave or you don't. What you are asking should you hedge your bets and have an affair and see how it goes. That's not very considerate or honest.

Billi77 · 03/12/2020 22:36

Leave your husband ASAP. If this guy does turn out to be a dickhead at least he’ll have been a useful stepping stone out of a life that’s making you, and probably your husband, miserable. Everyone will be OK. But do leave.
And divorce can take ages, so don’t wait for that to happen before dating again. Leave.

Spritesobright · 03/12/2020 23:22

You are seriously projecting here. You haven't "met someone", some guy in a shop told you he fancies you and you're so desperate to get out of your marriage that you believe this has potential.
That's a complete fantasy at this point. By all means leave the marriage but do it honourably to yourself and your husband.

Osirus · 03/12/2020 23:25

@TeaOneSugar

End the marriage with dignity, spend some time on your own, at least until the divorce is finalised and then think about dating.

Affairs and leaving with a pre planned relationship in mind are despicable.

You do realise it takes years to divorce if there’s no blame eg. Adultery?
bluebell34567 · 03/12/2020 23:34

dont be sure you will be with this guy after your marriage ended.

grassisjeweled · 03/12/2020 23:37

Do you have kids?

TossCointoYerWitcher · 04/12/2020 00:42

@Osirus If the OP’s husband has been as shady has she claims, she can file for Unreasonable Behaviour.

user1481840227 · 04/12/2020 00:55

Sounds like this is heading into emotional affair territory

  • Lining someone up while you are in a relationship
  • He said he fancies you
  • You've confided in him about your current situation
  • Fantasising about your possible future life together.

However after saying that...whether this is the wrong thing or the right thing to do will really depend on what it is that your husband has done wrong....if for example he was extremely abusive or cheated and gaslighted you and wrecked your self esteem kind of thing then I get it. Sometimes that takes a long time to recover from..and sometimes you need to get out at the time when it suits you...and often women need a push to leave...and that push often comes from meeting someone else and seeing hope outside their marriage....even if they never in fact end up with the new person.

But if your husband is just a bit of an idiot or the things he has done haven't been that bad then I don't think it's fair to be lining someone up in the background and secretly planning a split some time in the future with him being blissfully unaware until the time comes for the reveal!

SoupDragon · 04/12/2020 07:29

No sign of the OP?

Badbackbernie · 04/12/2020 07:35

Leave now before anything happens. I’m living this right now but on the other side of it and it’s not good. My anxiety is physical and I’m going to see the doctor about medication today.

Apparently the relationship had been dead for years - not that I was aware. I will be filling for adultery in the divorce and taking him to the cleaners.

Stop bring self indulgent and have the balls to end the relationship with out being sly.

WitchesSpelleas · 04/12/2020 07:40

flirtashionship

We really have reached rock-bottom if this is now a word.

DixieLandReject · 04/12/2020 21:16

@user1481840227

Sounds like this is heading into emotional affair territory
  • Lining someone up while you are in a relationship
  • He said he fancies you
  • You've confided in him about your current situation
  • Fantasising about your possible future life together.

However after saying that...whether this is the wrong thing or the right thing to do will really depend on what it is that your husband has done wrong....if for example he was extremely abusive or cheated and gaslighted you and wrecked your self esteem kind of thing then I get it. Sometimes that takes a long time to recover from..and sometimes you need to get out at the time when it suits you...and often women need a push to leave...and that push often comes from meeting someone else and seeing hope outside their marriage....even if they never in fact end up with the new person.

But if your husband is just a bit of an idiot or the things he has done haven't been that bad then I don't think it's fair to be lining someone up in the background and secretly planning a split some time in the future with him being blissfully unaware until the time comes for the reveal!

Absolutely agree with this.
Geppili · 04/12/2020 21:26

Leave your husband first.

TeaOneSugar · 04/12/2020 22:00

Osirus Yes, been there, have the T-shirt, it takes time to heal emotionally after a marriage ends taking time to be on your own is important in my experience.

gypsywater · 04/12/2020 22:01

You've spoken to this guy just a couple of times?!

alvinp · 04/12/2020 23:10

I was with you until 6 months. Unless your partner needs you, say for serious health reasons, then be true to yourself and honest to him and leave now.