Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I've met someone - but I am married

67 replies

bloggerbloggerblog · 03/12/2020 16:40

My marriage is not good and i have been unhappy for a number of years. He would say he adores me, but actions speak louder than words. There is too much he has done to go into right now. I have always been planning on leaving him, no timescales but knew it was on the cards for me when the time is right, if there is ever a right time. No ducks in a row as such, but lots of thoughts there.
The issue is I have met someone, I didn't go out looking for it, it just happened. We clicked at work (he came into the shop). Nothing has happened, he has been into the shop a few times and we have chatted for the last 2 months, in depth. He knows my situation. He is my type all over, he is single, he has told me he fancies me. This could be something, this could be nothing. He could be a player, i have no idea (dont think he is). I would like to find out though but I'm not ready to leave the marriage yet due to other issues going on which mean I couldn't and wouldn't suggest separating at this time, i would need another 6-7 months yet.
What to do ? if this man is serious then he would wait ? do i forget the OM ? i don't want to work on my marriage, it is unsalvageable. I wouldn't do anything with OM until I was separated.

OP posts:

SirMoanalot · 04/12/2020 23:14

That's nice, dear.
Go on have an affair.

Voyager54 · 05/12/2020 06:57

If the OM is the one you need to find out as much as possible about him before you could potentially make a big mistake. Is he actually married or with a partner?

However if you are very unhappy then you should leave your partner and start a new life.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 05/12/2020 11:58

Im not judging you at all, and I understand life is complicated. Its never as simple as just leave your husband.

The thing is it's a spiral. You're not completely happy in your marriage, but it's "ok", then you meet someone else who makes you feel like you're a real person not just someone's wife. You think about this other person, and then, even if initially it's subconsciously, you compare him to your husband - you find more faults in your husband, even silly things drive you potty....and so that downward spiral starts.

You become more snappy because you resent the lack of freedom to do what you like, you never have a moment of mental peace because your brain is In overdrive and before long you'll be unrecognisable to yourself.

Even if you don't have an affair, you're on a fast track way to misery, and you're worth more than that.

Gensola · 05/12/2020 12:13

Waiting til the divorce is final is bad advice - my divorce took almost two years and we didn’t have any money or kids to fight over. However, I would definitely wait until you’ve separated and are living apart and take it very slowly.

Scarlettpixie · 05/12/2020 12:24

Why would OM wait 6-7 months for you? Why would he be serious enough to do that after a few chats?

End your marriage if you are unhappy. Neither your husband or the OM if he is gullible enough deserve to be strung along. That said you may find OM is less interested once you are available. Decent men do not chat up married women (and vice versa).

Even if you want to separate most people find it an emotional process. Wait until you are at least separated before considering another relationship would be my advice.

Ilovetheseventies · 05/12/2020 15:46

Just go for it... I did and its been the best thing. I probably should have left my marriage first but its just the way things worked out. Three years later and it's fantastic, the best.

MaelyssQ · 05/12/2020 15:55

You don't know this man well enough, surely? If your marriage is over, then leave. I bet shop guy beats a hasty retreat when he realises he's being lined up as an escape route.

TossCointoYerWitcher · 05/12/2020 17:55

@Ilovetheseventies

Just go for it... I did and its been the best thing. I probably should have left my marriage first but its just the way things worked out. Three years later and it's fantastic, the best.

I'm sorry, but... what?!

I'm sure for you it was the "best thing".

Not sure cheating, lying, gaslighting and messing people about passes as "the best thing" for many people - at least those with a moral compass anyway. Even my ex, who cheated, would at least concede the whole thing became a clusterfunk that caused her no end of anxiety and stress until I felt forced to put our marriage out of its misery.

TeaOneSugar · 06/12/2020 19:30

I don't see how leaving the marriage and taking time to regroup is bad advice, ok not everyone wants to wait until after the divorce is finalised to start dating, I personally waited the year it took to get divorced and another two years before I even considered looking for a new relationship, but rushing from one relationship into another with the stress of divorce hanging over you is a recipe for disaster.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 06/12/2020 21:18

This post can't be real

Selfish, entitled brat.

Grow up.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 06/12/2020 21:21

I probably should have left my marriage first

You think? You make it sound like you normally shop in Sainsbury's but today you went to Asda instead. Grim. @Ilovetheseventies

Ilovetheseventies · 07/12/2020 04:38

I did not cheat or lie or gaslight. I met someone else and left. No one knows the circumstances involved in anyone's marriage and what they are dealing with.

flowerpotsandrain · 07/12/2020 04:53

End the marriage if you are unhappy and there's no hope, regardless of OM.

I worked with someone who had an affair for a year but he was married too. She left the husband a year into the affair and pretended to be single until the husband found a new gf. Then she claimed she was the victim and announced this lovely new man she was lucky enough to meet (the long time affair). They both cheated on their partners, left their children etc and now gloat about being hard done by whilst enjoying having half their time childfree together. I found the whole thing disgusting, particularly the sympathy they now seek for being single parents and shaming the partners for moving on, when they were the ones having an affair. I think you should begin the divorce process before starting another relationship. I wouldn't think highly of anyone who dated someone who was still living with and lying to their husband or wife.

User6655645 · 07/12/2020 08:13

@Ilovetheseventies

You are contradicting yourself, and your first post sounds like an immature teenager " I should have left the marriage first, but I just went for it and it's been the best thing.". So how did you not cheat?

Thismustbelove · 07/12/2020 08:35

and now gloat about being hard done by whilst enjoying having half their time childfree together

This says more about your attitude to be honest. I think many of those ‘enjoyable childfree days’ are filled with anxiety and worry about their children particularly if there are new partners and stepparents in the mix too.

Thismustbelove · 07/12/2020 08:43

TossCointoYerWitcher

So that means every middle-aged guy who gets his head turned by a girl half his age is only doing so because they've no feelings for their wives (often, dare I say it, the wives they stay with even when the affair gets rumbled), yeah?

They stay with their wives because it’s easier for them. Men who have affairs don’t usually stop at just the one! They learn quickly to get better at hiding them.
The women who take their cheating husbands back do so primarily when they have children together and only then because it’s easier for them too.

TeaOneSugar · 07/12/2020 08:56

flowerpotsandrain The old classic hide the ow/om and then present them later as the "new" partner, all blame free, it's a nasty trick (my exH tried and failed) and the reason I would always recommend getting an investigator involved as soon as you suspect an affair, these things are easily flushed out.

Flip

1 2 3