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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband chatting to other men

56 replies

smudge2011 · 02/12/2020 19:22

I found out that my husband has been logging onto Gaydar and messaging other men. He doesn't know that I know this.

We have had a sexless marriage which I have spoken to him about in the past as it caused me concern. He explained at the time that his sex drive was low and that was that. I asked him if he was gay, he said no.
To be honest if he was bisexual or gay I wouldn't mind and it would explain things, but on the flip side I feel heartbroken that I have found this.

How would you approach this?

OP posts:

Mix56 · 02/12/2020 19:31

I would take a photo of his account/messages before talking to him.
I would then tell him that you have reason to believe he is gay/bi/trans & ask him where you go with your marriage?
You can't make him be attracted to you, but you need to know where this will lead your whole future.
He will probably tell you he was just messing about. curious, etc.
Do you have children ?

faithfulbird20 · 02/12/2020 19:33

As harsh as it sounds. I'd do him and myself a favour and pack my bags and leave. I don't think I'd want to find out anything.

MorningNinja · 02/12/2020 19:34

I would quickly get my ducks in a row financially, seek legal advice and then ask him to leave.

Male or female, it doesn't matter - this is not a relationship you deserve. And it goes without saying, do not have sex with him.

PicsInRed · 02/12/2020 19:35

Do you have kids? If not, easy answer - leave immediately. Solicitor, divorc, house sold and split 50/50, get a financial consent order so no further claims on your assets.

Ohalrightthen · 02/12/2020 19:40

I hate to say it OP, but if you've ever had sex with him without condoms, I'd be going to the GP and getting an STD panel. Women particularly can be asymptomatic for years.

Original poster

smudge2011 · 02/12/2020 19:58

Thank you for your replies. Yes we have a child.
No, we’re not having sex and on the odd occasion when we did he wore a condom - so I’m not worried about STIs.
I did take screen shots just in case he erased the history on his computer.
Re our marriage we have had problems and he says that he’ll do anything to keep me but then I find this. I think he may be worried about coming out? But I don’t want to live a lie. Tbh I think if he told me then he’ll be scared I’d leave.
I know that I can’t make him be attracted to me - I think he just loves me like a best friend really.

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 02/12/2020 20:00

OP, if you have EVER had unprotected sex with him you need an STD check. Please don't skip this. It is very important. Please.

Original poster

smudge2011 · 02/12/2020 20:03

About 18 months ago when I asked him if he was gay he told me he had looked at gay porn to figure out if he was or not. He said he wasn’t. In my mind, surely you know if you’re gay/bisexual or not and don’t need to look at porn to realise it or not.
That created a suspicion for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

smudge2011 · 02/12/2020 20:04

Thank you, I will.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 02/12/2020 20:04

If you've conceived and carried his child, you need an std test.

notactuallylolling · 02/12/2020 20:06

@Ohalrightthen if OP’s husband was messaging other women would you still be insisting on the STD check?

Zoolally · 02/12/2020 20:06

@smudge2011

Thank you for your replies. Yes we have a child. No, we’re not having sex and on the odd occasion when we did he wore a condom - so I’m not worried about STIs. I did take screen shots just in case he erased the history on his computer. Re our marriage we have had problems and he says that he’ll do anything to keep me but then I find this. I think he may be worried about coming out? But I don’t want to live a lie. Tbh I think if he told me then he’ll be scared I’d leave. I know that I can’t make him be attracted to me - I think he just loves me like a best friend really.

The best thing you can do, for both of you, is leave. You can’t stay married to a gay man. You need a complete break, at least in the short term. Make a plan and stick to it. In time, I’m sure you can be friends, if that’s what you want. For right now though, you need a clean break from him so you can move forward in your life. One step at a time. Honestly, he can’t change who he’s attracted to and it really isn’t fair for him to drag you along until he figures it out.

As others have said, get an std check now.

Zoolally · 02/12/2020 20:08

[quote notactuallylolling]@Ohalrightthen if OP’s husband was messaging other women would you still be insisting on the STD check?[/quote]
I’m pretty sure they would. Hundreds of posts on mn where dh is suspected of cheating and loads of posters say to get an std check. What exactly is the point you’re trying to make?

Notapheasantplucker · 02/12/2020 20:11

I'd confront him, with the screenshots on standby in case he lies.
A good idea would be to email the screenshots to yourself or something similar so you have 2 copies. He might panic and try to delete the pictures, in this case you'd have backups.

If he is gay, I would assume he's scared, possibly slightly in denial. He's probably scared of everything- coming out, 'what will everyone think', what will you think, scared of losing his family, maybe even friends..

I think I'd approach it calmly, be understanding, remind him he can talk to you about anything etc etc, I think that's the only way you'll get the truth out of him.

Original poster

smudge2011 · 02/12/2020 20:14

Yes I have emailed the screenshots to myself just in case.
I think you’re right, he’d be worried about other people’s reactions. I want to be understanding but I also don’t want to live a lie and I feel like my whole marriage may have just been a lie. Just feel heartbroken by it tbh.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/12/2020 20:33

That’s awful, one of my in-laws is gay and said his grinder hookups were often married men with kids.

notactuallylolling · 02/12/2020 20:46

@Zoolally I didn’t read it that the OP actually suspected her husband of cheating, but that he had been messaging people. Different things. The point I am getting at is that there are still a LOT of people who think that gay people are more likely to spread STDs.

DianaT1969 · 02/12/2020 20:56

Are his parents particularly conservative, or from another culture?
It really isn't fair for you to be in this marriage as cover. Take your time and decide what you want. That might be staying with him and having an open marriage. Or just staying while you transition to different properties.

DesdemonaDryEyes · 02/12/2020 20:59

A friend’s DH has recently done a Philip Schofield.

They are in their 50s. It’s all very civilised.

beavisandbutthead · 02/12/2020 21:07

Sounds like your DH is gay...we are in 2020 not 1980. I dont know why your DH is pretending to be otherwise however you and your DC deserve honesty. You are in a friendship style relationship so despite his sexuality what do you want? Dont you want to be loved, lusted after and made to feel special?

Anordinarymum · 02/12/2020 21:24

@smudge2011

Thank you for your replies. Yes we have a child. No, we’re not having sex and on the odd occasion when we did he wore a condom - so I’m not worried about STIs. I did take screen shots just in case he erased the history on his computer. Re our marriage we have had problems and he says that he’ll do anything to keep me but then I find this. I think he may be worried about coming out? But I don’t want to live a lie. Tbh I think if he told me then he’ll be scared I’d leave. I know that I can’t make him be attracted to me - I think he just loves me like a best friend really.

Coming out for some men is unthinkable because they are afraid of what family/friends would think, so they get married and have children and lead a conventional life while all the time they are living a lie which eats away at them and leaves them feeling unfulfilled.

I know more than one or two blokes who are living like this and what they may not realise is people tend to have an idea anyway and nobody seems to consider these guys duped some girl into thinking everything was good when in fact they lied and stole something precious. Lying to yourself is one thing but using another human being just so you can tick boxes and then finally admit to being gay is a whole other ball game.
It's a cowardly thing to do.

yaboo · 02/12/2020 22:55

If you're acting as his cleaner, cook, maid, personal assistant, bed-warmer and sock-washer while he dicks around on the down-low, why would he want to come out?

Original poster

smudge2011 · 03/12/2020 01:25

I spoke to my husband this evening about it. He didn’t deny it and then it came out that he had been sexting other men for the whole of our relationship. I am beyond shocked and I think I’m just in shock because I can’t even cry. My whole relationship and marriage has been a lie. And we have a child together. I told him that I’m no longer his wife.

OP posts:

missperegrinespeculiar · 03/12/2020 01:46

so sorry OP, I agree with PPs that this is one of the worst things that a man can do to a woman, more understandable in the pst, when being gay was a real big deal, even illegal, but these days, sorry, cowardice to use a woman to build a pretend life.

timegoesbysoslowly · 03/12/2020 01:48

Op I'm sorry to hear your suspicions have come true.

So your whole relationship has been a lie, how long have you been together?

It's a cruel thing to do, just so he gets to live a fake life, happy straight married men, not to give your feelings a second thought. How do these men live with themselves.

I feel for you, your head must be spinning and questioning everything.

But try to look to the future, where you and ur child can build a new life and not to live with these doubts, I can't believe he lied for so long.

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