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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband chatting to other men

56 replies

smudge2011 · 02/12/2020 19:22

I found out that my husband has been logging onto Gaydar and messaging other men. He doesn't know that I know this.

We have had a sexless marriage which I have spoken to him about in the past as it caused me concern. He explained at the time that his sex drive was low and that was that. I asked him if he was gay, he said no.
To be honest if he was bisexual or gay I wouldn't mind and it would explain things, but on the flip side I feel heartbroken that I have found this.

How would you approach this?

OP posts:
Aquarius111 · 03/12/2020 02:31

Oh this is just awful! but I've seen a similar thing happen before.
When I was in university a few years ago now, I had a gay best friend who was meeting up with a guy weekly for sex who he met on the app grinder.
My friend then found out he was a married man with kids, and he felt awful that this man was living a double life and his wife none the wiser.

It unbelievable really how often it happens!
But you can get through this OP and everyone in your life will understand and support you. Sending hugs Thanks

SistineScreamer · 03/12/2020 02:41

Absolute selfish prick. Men like this annoy me to no end, I don't care how conservative his parents were or how traumatic coming out would be. You don't do this to someone. You don't enter a relationship based on a lie and string them along for god knows how long, making things even messier with a child involved.

Op, you have my sympathies. Please, for your own sanity leave as soon as you are stable enough to do so. Take all the time you need away from him. You need to take care of yourself now and do what's best for you and your DC. Thanks

user1481840227 · 03/12/2020 02:56

What a bastard he was/is to do that to you and think it was ok to drag you into his lies.
I hope that he will at least allow you to feel all the rollercoaster of emotions you are likely to feel as you come to terms with this without making this all about himself and his pain.

I hope you are ok Flowers
I hope you have a good support system around you and if you don't although it's not the same we will be all here for you Flowers

Original poster
smudge2011 · 03/12/2020 02:57

Thank you everyone. I do appreciate your kindness and support. We were together for 13.5 years, married for 9.
I’m just numb, shocked as I had no idea - he kept it hidden all this time.
In someways it makes sense why he didn’t really want me and thus why our marriage was sexless as he got his thrills from sexting other men.
He keeps saying sorry but I’ve told him not to because it’s just pointless as our marriage is over.

OP posts:
Notapheasantplucker · 03/12/2020 03:07

God, I'm so sorry for you opFlowers

How fucking selfish of him.

katy1213 · 03/12/2020 03:25

That is a terrible, cowardly deception. Please don't feel any responsibility to keep his cover story going. You owe him nothing.

blisstwins · 03/12/2020 03:30

"know more than one or two blokes who are living like this and what they may not realise is people tend to have an idea anyway and nobody seems to consider these guys duped some girl into thinking everything was good when in fact they lied and stole something precious. Lying to yourself is one thing but using another human being just so you can tick boxes and then finally admit to being gay is a whole other ball game.
It's a cowardly thing to do."

This happened to.a friend of mine and I have to admit I had never processed the cruelty. I had felt badly for the person who felt shamed by society into denying their sexuality and surely finding out your spouse is gay is not as bad as being cheated on with a rival of the same sex.

My friend explained how hurtful these thoughts were to her. She loved her husband and wanted a life and family with him. She took his lack of attraction to her very personally and it did great damage to her self image and confidence. She said she trusted him completely and he knew her better than anyone else in the world and then she found out she did not know him at all and that he was using her.

I totally agree that is a cowardly and selfish act.
I am sorry, OP.

BTW, my husband cheated with a 25 year old and I got tested (and we divorced). Some things just have to be done.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 03/12/2020 03:46

So sorry @smudge2011.

Original poster
smudge2011 · 03/12/2020 03:58

@blisstwins I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage.

I feel exactly like your friend did.
He used every excuse under the sun as to why he didn’t want sex - even blaming me. I felt so neglected, humiliated. I just wish he had told me years ago so that I could have started a new life a long time ago.
I feel so tired, but cannot sleep.
I never dreamt that he would have ever done this. I think he saw me as the lovely wife, great mother to our child, I do everything, I sort everything for him. He wanted his cake and ate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
smudge2011 · 03/12/2020 03:59

Thank you again to everyone for being so kind.

OP posts:
Ariesbaby89 · 03/12/2020 04:09

I am so sorry OP. He is a bastard, there was no need to string you along like this. I honestly hope that when things are fully over you enjoy your life and eventually (when you’re ready) meet someone who appreciates you.

Get everything in order, see a lawyer and have a glass of wine 🍷 sending hugs! 🤗

mathanxiety · 03/12/2020 04:16

Believe me, it has not stopped at sexting.

He has just confirmed what you have found out.

Get that STD test done.

Discovering deceit on this scale is the psychological equivalent of being hit by a train. This is why you are exhausted.

Please talk to someone you are close to, someone who can share your burden and look after you a little. Hopefully, you will soon start to feel your anger kick in enough to overcome the soul destroying effects of living with a man who does not appreciate you as a woman, and you will have the energy to start to focus on carving out a life for yourself without him. It's never too late.

I have PM'd you.

Flowers
mathanxiety · 03/12/2020 04:24

It is indeed more than just cowardly. It is the epitome of selfishness and incredibly cruel.

Stealing the life and choices of a woman, and maybe bringing a child or more into a home that is very likely to be torn apart is just about the most narcissistic choice a human being can make.

I have walked in the shoes of your friend, blisstwins. Like your friend, I found myself explaining that having a gay husband isn't like having a sweet gay man off the TV living with you, someone who loves arranging the furniture and helping you make the most of your makeup and avoiding clothes that make your butt look big. Living with a man who 'loves you' but not as a woman is soul destroying.

Strictlysilly · 03/12/2020 04:32

I'm so sorry op. I hope you and your child will be ok and in the future you meet someone who makes you happy Flowers

JaffaMum · 03/12/2020 04:39

Sending hugs to you OP.

There is no blame on you for this, you have been treated appalling in this and DH needs to take full responsibility.

Your self care is important and you need to get focussed on getting your confidence and self esteem back. You deserve so much better. You are doing amazingly, take back your life. You got this.

adropnotabit · 03/12/2020 04:54

So sorry, how incredibly selfish of him. Please do get an STD check, sadly STD transmission is significantly more likely in Anal and Male with Male sex. I hope you have supportive friends and family as now is the time to reach out to them. You did nothing wrong and are the victim in this situation o don't let anyone make you feel any different. Move on and start to repair x

blisstwins · 03/12/2020 05:31

@smudge2011 someone mentioned carving out a new life and added "it is never too late." That person is right. I could not eat or sleep when my ex-husband cheated and left. I felt as if I were in free fall and it was only the kindness of others and the needs of my children that kept me going. But once you walk through the storm and let time work its wonders you begin to realize all the little things that impacted you that you never could have names or identified. You begin to know yourself as a more wise, strong, and mature person and I will never go so far as to say I am grateful for what happenedhe broke my heart and hurt my children terriblybut I am good and happy with who I am and the life I have. I have been astounded by people's kindness and grateful to many. There are not many times when you get to be healthy and feel that. No matter what happens, you are going to be fine. You had intuition and acted on it and posting shows you know how to process and seek support. Wishing you all good things.

Shoxfordian · 03/12/2020 05:56

Look after yourself op, must be a real shock
Speak to your family and friends
Can he go somewhere else to stay for now?

getsomehelp · 03/12/2020 08:07

I have a friend who I worked & even shared a room with for 2 years, she had loads of boyfriends over the time I knew her & eventually got married & had her children.
The marriage failed, she left & went back to her country & in time she met a woman who she is now married to.
I am saying this because your husband didn't necessarily lie & hide his homosexuality from the start. he may have only understood properly later.
I agree it is totally cowardly not to have admitted it. Just to string you along in his parody of a life is unspeakably selfish
Being gay is no longer seen as a sin.

Be glad you have discovered & set both of yourselves free.

Jobsharenightmare · 03/12/2020 08:15

I'm so sorry OP. For lots of reasons men still feel a pressure to conform and therefore marry a women as an attempt to suppress their true selves but continue doing what they do to feel a bit of authenticity (albeit behind their spouses' backs).

He may well have desperately wanted to keep this secret part of himself hidden because of being scared and ashamed. Maybe he genuinely thought as your relationship progressed things would resolve for him internally.

It doesn't mean it was all a lie. Some people can compartmentalise so well that he may have meant all the lovely things he said and was happy with you many times. But another part of himself was at the same time, deeply confused and miserable.

I'm so sorry you've been caught in the cross fire.
It is going to be a deeply painful end but will ultimately free you up to experience love in a whole way, a way he may have wanted but couldn't give you.

beavisandbutthead · 03/12/2020 08:16

getsomehelp he told her he had been sexting other men during their entire relationship. So fairly clear he was aware at the start

Skyla2005 · 03/12/2020 08:43

I’d be really upset and angry that he couldn’t have been more honest with me when you have tried to address the lack of sex before. Clearly his been misleading you. You have to divorce and start again. Hope your ok

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/12/2020 09:00

Lying to yourself is one thing but using another human being just so you can tick boxes and then finally admit to being gay is a whole other ball game

Agree wholeheartedly with this..

I would strike while the iron is hot and see a solicitor ASAP. As horrible as it is finding out you can finally draw a line under it and get on with an authentic version of your life.

💐

Original poster
smudge2011 · 03/12/2020 18:06

Thank you so much again for your kindness. I’ve spent a lot of today chatting to family - they have been so supportive which has helped me a lot.
I just need to be kind to myself tbh.

OP posts:
Nousernamehistory · 03/12/2020 18:53

Thinking of you today. That poor excuse for a partner doesn't deserve a second of your time

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