Husband chatting to other men

[smudge2011]

I found out that my husband has been logging onto Gaydar and messaging other men. He doesn't know that I know this.

We have had a sexless marriage which I have spoken to him about in the past as it caused me concern. He explained at the time that his sex drive was low and that was that. I asked him if he was gay, he said no.
To be honest if he was bisexual or gay I wouldn't mind and it would explain things, but on the flip side I feel heartbroken that I have found this.

How would you approach this?

Thank you @Nousernamehistory

Absolutely be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with people who love you. This happened to a friend of mine years ago. While it was awful at the time, she married her second husband a couple of years later and has been very happy with him for twenty years now. While it hurts now, you’re stepping away from a loveless, unfaithful marriage and are moving towards a happier future.

He has stolen over a decade from you to facilitate his lies.

Op I'm so, so sorry. He is despicable

And that's not a comment on his sexual preferences, purely an assessment of his character based on how he's treated you. You deserve infinitely better.

@Jobsharenightmare

I'm so sorry OP. For lots of reasons men still feel a pressure to conform and therefore marry a women as an attempt to suppress their true selves but continue doing what they do to feel a bit of authenticity (albeit behind their spouses' backs).

He may well have desperately wanted to keep this secret part of himself hidden because of being scared and ashamed. Maybe he genuinely thought as your relationship progressed things would resolve for him internally.

It doesn't mean it was all a lie. Some people can compartmentalise so well that he may have meant all the lovely things he said and was happy with you many times. But another part of himself was at the same time, deeply confused and miserable.

I'm so sorry you've been caught in the cross fire.
It is going to be a deeply painful end but will ultimately free you up to experience love in a whole way, a way he may have wanted but couldn't give you.

People need to stop using societal pressure as some kind of excuse or explanation for this. It's 2020 now and it was well into the new century when he made this choice to deceive the OP.

It was unbelievably selfish of him to do it and if men genuinely do feel that societal pressure then perhaps it's time that we start to tell young gay people that this is not acceptable and it is incredibly cruel and selfish to use another person in this way.

I think it’s hit me like a boulder being thrown in my direction. No one has ever hurt me like he has - total deceit and betrayal for the whole of our relationship. It’s so hard trying to keep strong during the day for the sake of my child when all I want to do is scream my heart out as my world has been completely turned up side down.
My husband is still here, I’ve told him he’s lucky we have a child because I want our child to have a lovely Christmas and new year - I don’t want that to be ruined because of what their father has done. Otherwise I would have told my husband to leave now.
So in the day I smile and be the fun mummy and my child is happy.
It’s just so hard, so bloody hard.