Ex wife/ Husband

[Saltnshake20]

Can you have a relationship with someone who is still heavily involved with there ex ?

You need to define ‘heavily involved’.
If it’s co-parenting - then sure.
If it is that they aren’t finished on emotional and practical level - not really.

There co- parenting there child Who is 21 . But get along much better now then they did when they were together.

21 is an adult 🤔 not sure how much co-parenting needs to be done

Maybe they are friends .. can happen and some people are better off friends than in a relationship.

If you not comfortable than move on .. you will be miserable thinking up all sorts of scenarios of things happening ..

Or talk to him and ask if he is still interested in her .. than you can choose to not waste your time on this relationship

Yes 21 is an adult but he is there only child so he is there Prince. Who has a very child like mind . So they both have to make sure he gets attention. I want to spend Christmas or part of it with my boyfriend but he has replied with that he has to put his child and ex wife first.

Walk away op. It won't change for you... Rating after an exw isn't what you are worth..
Is it?

How long have you been together? If not long and it already feels like hard work then I'd cut my losses tbh.

No it isn’t what I’m worth . But I still have to respect the fact the ex wife was a big part of his life for a long time. And they are incredibly good friends with one another and the fact that there child is there life . And they would both cut anyone down for there child. I mean I love my children to bits but they are all adults and I can’t give up every chance of happiness for them. But my boyfriend would for his child.

In my opinion there should be boundaries with exes...even when a child is involved. And at the age of 21 there really shouldn't be any need for contact whatsoever tbh!

What type of contact do they have exactly?

Daily conversation and texts by phone. She is able to turn up and come and go as she pleases at his home and she takes there child out once a week.

Sorry, but they really don't need to talk with a 21 year old man child. He might have a child like personality and unless this is a drip feed and he has some SN, then nope.

It's fine to be friends, but to be putting the ex wife before you, walk away.This won't improve.

I also think there should be boundaries, It's fine obviously if that's how they wish to live their life like that but I don't think there would be many people who would be interested in going along with it in a relationship.
I wouldn't.

If you don't feel valued, and these problems exist already, cut your losses.
You have one life don't waste your time on a relationship like this, they can't fulfil your needs..

Run.

My ex husband and I are as close as brothers. It was never a problem in my wonderful marriage with my late wife.

I should have written as close as brother and sister

I fully respect anyone that can maintain a good friendship with an ex . But there still should be some boundaries set out especially if you want a new relationship with someone else. But there main focus is there child to make sure his needs are met and he doesn’t get upset by anything or anyone.

What I don't understand though, is why would he want her round his house and to talk to her daily? And why would she? Does she have a partner as that might explain it. They are exes for a reason, and yes whilst things can remain civil for the child, I don't personally know any couples that have split that would choose to spend any more time with their ex than needed.

My partner has a daughter who he shares with his ex-wife and I know he doesn't enjoy any exchange with her in relation to their DD. It's simple and to the point and over as quickly as possible...

Because they are incredibly good friends. And they get along much better now than they ever did whilst married. And because of there 21 year old child. They still buy gifts for one another at birthday and Christmas . And my partner is absolutely devoted to his child.

@Saltnshake20

Yes 21 is an adult but he is there only child so he is there Prince. Who has a very child like mind . So they both have to make sure he gets attention. I want to spend Christmas or part of it with my boyfriend but he has replied with that he has to put his child and ex wife first.

No. Nope. Uh-uh.

Also YBVU still calling a 21 year old MAN a child!

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Walk away op. It won't change for you... Rating after an exw isn't what you are worth.. Is it?

Honestly, don’t waste a single second more on this dynamic

That way heartbreak lies.

Have you met exw? If she doesn't like you he will get rid of you - you know that right?

It seems very unusual, you refer to their son as child minded and a child and they are still active parenting - taking him to and fro etc. Is he nt? Additional needs? If so I can understand that with the extra challenges faced by additional needs children's and the challenge of co parenting post divorce, might lead to an initially forced and then increasingly real friendship/ dependence upon one another as a team .

Even if that were the case, if I were you op, I'd leave. Becaise regardless why they have developed this level of friendship- it does sound like a sort Co dependence/ emotionally dependent relationship and as such not compatible with a third party.

No the child does not have additional needs as I have asked this. And I have yet to meet the ex wife as she is keen to meet me. He has said that hopefully we can see one another on Christmas Day but like I said it depends on what his ex wife and child are doing. Either way he will give up anything and everything for his child literally I don’t understand there levels of friendship as it’s all new to me.

Where does the adult live? There, even for being friendly, massive boundary issues that she can come and go as she pleases. How would a girlfriend ever fit into that, or would she back off it one was there? The issue here is you said he is going to work Christmas around his son and ex. It should be around his son and he shouldn't be dropping you because of the ex. By the way you have described how the modgycoddle him it sounds like they have raised a complete snowflake. At what age does he have to be for the parents to live separate lives. Not sure if/or both are disguising friendly and overseeing and controlling of new partners

But the 21 yr is not a child as you keep calling him, he’s an ADULT

All sounds very weird to me
Not something I’d want to be involved in

I have no idea if she would back of if I were there that remains to be seen. As for the raising of there adult/child they do protect him from everything and still treat him like he is 9 years old. And without sounding disrespectful to him he acts like it . He also has never worked in his whole entire life. I am yet to ask such questions but because of how protective they are of him I’m scared to ask as I feel that would end our relationship. I am in a strong mind to see how Christmas plans out and if I get dropped for his ex wife I’m out 🥺 .