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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wife/ Husband

74 replies

Saltnshake20 · 01/12/2020 11:37

Can you have a relationship with someone who is still heavily involved with there ex ?

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 05/12/2020 09:39

Time to put yourself first op...
Imagine the sort of Xmas you will have if you don't Ltb today..

zaphodbeeble · 05/12/2020 09:42

Completely bizarre, the man child is jealous and putting you in your place. Run as fast as you can

Kimjong · 05/12/2020 09:47

I don’t then know why you need to ask. It’s clear as day what you need to do. Just end it and move on. This man is not available in the way you want him to be.

Original poster
Saltnshake20 · 05/12/2020 11:08

I know what I need to do. But it’s just so hard as we do get on very well and share so many likes and dislikes. I keep thinking I should wait it out as my boyfriend informs his son suffers with depression. Which I have seen no signs of. Unless he is very good at hiding it. So I’m just very confused.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/12/2020 11:31

Stop!

You seem to be on the edge of joining them in how they treat their son.

I say that as you seem to have acquiesced in cutting short you birthday to fall in line and placate him.

I'd have told DP to make a choice. A relationship or old age living with his son.

That's your sticking point. A concrete instance if what your DP is doing. You can see it, if he can't then surely that's game over?

Opentooffers · 05/12/2020 12:02

Instead of cutting your birthday short, could he not have got EW to come round to his and babysit, then you could of had more time together?
Yes I'm being facetious lol Confused

Original poster
Saltnshake20 · 05/12/2020 12:26

Yes I have come so close in saying something to that effect. But if he is secretly suffering with depression is that is not ground I should be treading on . Yes I can’t see why he can’t get Ex wife to babysit ( I found humour in that) at least that might give us some time together but my DP will give up anything/ everything for his son and wants to protect him so much.

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 05/12/2020 13:42

Them coddling him so much is likely to be a contributing factor to his depression.

Time to be honest and split up op. I couldn't have any respect for my partner if he was like this.

Mycastle · 05/12/2020 13:44

He is still very emotionally tied to her. I’d walk

RoseAndRose · 05/12/2020 13:51

Is he giving up everything though?

Or just deciding not to make plans with you for Xmas until he's sorted out whether he'll be seeing his DC?

Original poster
Saltnshake20 · 08/12/2020 11:35

Well I have thought on many occasions that is the son just an excuse as to not to honest with me and want a cake and eat it kinda of relationship. As I have met many people who have different needs to be fed and have numerous people to complete this need . I do get on well with the said man child but the conversation we have are mainly about his social media life and talk about his mum and dad’s life they lived together. Yes I am aware that his mum and dad are a huge part of his life and always will be but I just feel a little uncomfortable when it’s all the time I see him and it’s like remember you and mum did this and that and it’s was so funny and mum pissed herself with laughter when you did this and that . Or maybe now I’m just overthinking everything .

OP posts:
Original poster
Saltnshake20 · 10/12/2020 09:26

Just don’t feel comfortable with anything anymore 🥺 .

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 10/12/2020 09:37

Oh wow - the poor 21 year old - they have fucked him up - it’s so unhealthy - are you sure it was him wanting to see his Dad and not the ex wife. It’s all very controlling and manipulating.
They need family therapy for the 3 of them.
I would remove myself from this toxic relationship.
It’s not healthy. There are probably many reasons it has gone this way between the three of them - run op!!!

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 10/12/2020 09:39

There isn't scope for your dp to move on with you is there?
You sound sad and miserable... Rip the plaster off op...
Or you are signing up for a future of always being the last one on his mind.. Why settle for that?

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/12/2020 09:59

It sounds like there has been a fair bit of guilt on your bf and his ex wife's part over them breaking up so they are now over compensating with their son.

I can empathise with some of this to be honest as I feel tremendous guilt for me and my kids dad separating (even though it wasn't my fault) and I make sure that their dad is involved for every birthday/Christmas, etc. I wouldn't say we are great friends as he had an affair and broke my heart but I have worked really hard to have an amicable relationship with him for our children's sake and as far as they are concerned, their parents are friends.

We both have new relationships though and although we put our kids first (as any parent should), it's not to the detriment of our relationships. On Christmas Day, my ex will come over in the morning so we can give joint presents (they are 13 and 14 so want expensive stuff that is more doable if we join forces), then he will go and spend the rest of the day with his gf and my bf will come over.

There should be room for you too and while his son should come first (regardless of age imo), his ex wife shouldn't.

At 21, his son is an adult. Maybe your bf needs to think about how he can transition their relationship into more of an adult child/father one.

KeepOnKeepingOnKeepingOn · 10/12/2020 10:02

Put his ex wife and child first? Nah. Child first, absolutely.

MzHz · 10/12/2020 15:04

@KeepOnKeepingOnKeepingOn

Put his ex wife and child first? Nah. Child first, absolutely.
This is the reason we have so many young people unable to cope with pretty much anything

Kids come first SOMETIMES
Sometimes WE come first

How else can we ever expect to consider us at all in any situation if we never put ourselves first sometimes
To show them that everyone needs to be their own priority sometimes and other times to be considerate of others and they need to be priority

This 21 yo man is totally fucked up by this dynamic

@Saltnshake20, no wonder you’re weary, it’s all shades of wrong.

Time to leave them to it. It won’t ever change

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/12/2020 17:50

This man has failed to give his child any sort of boundaries growing up and is now reaping the "rewards" - a perpetual overgrown child who will be financially and emotionally dependent on him for as long as he continues to provide.

Your BF takes you out for your birthday - call from DS saying he's had an emergency of some sort and mum cannot for whatever reason help - BF apologises to you and cuts date short, rushes home to genuine emergency, then rearranges date with you for another day. All that would be fine.

BF makes a date to see you, son says "Dad I want to watch TV with you tonight", BF doesn't even say "No I've got plans with SaltnShake tonight but why don't you and me watch X film tomorrow night with some beers and a pizza" - no he just dumps you, in favour of an adult who he sees literally every day who then doesn't want to spend time with him anyway? Yeah, no.

If the sex is good then maybe keep him as a booty call but TBH his toxic parenting would be an instant fanny dryer for me. I wouldn't even keep him as a friend.

I genuinely feel sorry for the lad. At 21 he's too young and sheltered to realise how his parents are damaging him. He probably has got depression - who wouldn't be depressed with no job, no life outside of his parents, no independence, seemingly no future?

Bin him off OP. You can do so much better than this. Wouldn't Xmas on your own or with your kids feel better than being sidelined by this chump?

Ariesbaby89 · 11/12/2020 05:08

Nope. This is crossing the line, they should only be contacting each-other regarding their ADULT child should a problem arise. They’re using the excuse that he’s their ‘prince’ and is like a child still to pull the wool over your eyes.

Original poster
Saltnshake20 · 13/12/2020 06:47

@T @his is very true we all need to be a @priority in our lives. And we should never be ashamed of putting ourselves first once in a while. But I am very saddened that this 21 year old who even threw a temper tantrum because a member of the family who is only 5 went and saw his nan and he didn’t , this human being has been emotional stunted all his life and still is .will he ever become an adult will his parents let him become one. They both feel very very guilty of desolving there marriage and the impact it had on there child He literally can’t do no wrong as soon as he says jump his parents especially my boyfriend say how high he is totally treated like a baby and I have no idea why you would treat your own child in this manner. At the end of the day when I sit and look at it in a bigger picture. I will be no greater loss to my boyfriend. He has his house and has his precious prince he has his ex wife on speed dial and many female friends. So where do I really fit into this equation?

OP posts:
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 13/12/2020 10:37

That was your first birthday together as a "couple", the one day out of this shitty year where YOU get pampered, looked after and made to feel special and loved and important. And your "partner" can't even be bothered to make sure your first birthday together is special. It's much better being single because you can then plan your own treats, make sure you feel important and cherished by spending time with people who love you. You need to get rid of him, don't wait until Christmas day otherwise you're denying yourself a really special day

MzHz · 13/12/2020 14:04

So where do I really fit into this equation?

@Saltnshake20 I think you know the answer to this question already.

You don’t.

And you’re not going to either.

I could not be a part of a ‘family’ like that. It would make me so ill to witness that level of behaviour from a supposed adult, and I’d lose all respect for the parents who made him that way.

Literally being alone is better than being reminded that you don’t matter to those around you

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 13/12/2020 20:30

At 21 his dc should have enough love and respect for his df to acknowledge he is entitled to an adult relationship..
Putting dc first is all well and good - 21 isn't a child is it? I have adult dc who appreciate I have a marriage to nurture also.
Doesn't make me a rubbish dm.
Wall away op. Please..

BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 20:45

I hope you ended this OP.. sounds like a love triangle 🌺

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