Am I being high maintenance?

[nutella202]

I've been dating someone for about 5/6 weeks now. It's been pretty slow because were both busy and I'm not one to see someone new constantly.

Last time we saw each other we slept together and we were messaging a lot and he made a lot of interest in the week after. I didn't hear from him for a couple days then he messaged me last week to make arrangements for a date for a couple weeks for some specific activity and said do you want to meet this weekend, I was busy Saturday he Friday so we said let's do Sunday. Sunday comes and I hadn't heard off him so I said are we still meeting and he said can we postpone I'm feeling lazy. I replied with a thumbs up and he said in a jokey way wow don't be harsh and I said what would you prefer I respond and he said something like ok cool no worries so I responded sarcastically saying I'm sorry to hear you are feeling lazy and he said I know sorry it's a shit excuse I just feel tired can I message you if I feel less tired later and I basically no thanks let's just leave it, in a tone that said I wasn't taking shit but I wasn't really arsey either I made a joke, and now it appears he's seen him arse as he hasn't messaged me. One of my friends said he's probably pissed off as sometimes people are tired. Should I just bin off this man child or is it not a big deal? To me if you've only been dating a few weeks that sends a message you're not that interested right?

Exactly, what @MacbookHo said with bells and whistles on!

Vague plans, are not plans. And cancelling a date in the early days for being tired, BUT not offering to reschedule with a LOT of apologising is really lazy. He's supposed to be making his best impression now. If he isn't making effort now, in the beginning, he won't suddenly start.

Bin him off. Dating hasn't changed as a concept. You just have more access to lazy, uninterested men who will waste your time if you let them. So just be more brutal in writing off the ones not meeting your needs.

PS: you have excellenr boundaries and self esteem. Don't ever lose that!

@MacbookHo

Read “Why Men Love Bitches” to strengthen your trust in your own feisty instincts.

Please don't read any book with a title like this. I can pretty much guarantee that it's a heaping pile of shite.

'I'm feeling lazy' is so rude. What sort of gushing reply did he expect after keeping you hanging on until you found out by asking yourself that he couldn't be arsed meeting up with you? I can't think of anything positive that could be said in response to that.

And just because some posters seem to think 'oh well, it's less bad than being ghosted' doesn't mean you too should accept this sliding scale of shite from men. If you wanted a piece of toast and you had a loaf that was really mouldy and a loaf that was scattered with a bit less mould would you just eat that one and accept the diarrhoea or walk to the little Tesco's and get some tiger bread instead?

'I'm feeling lazy' is so rude

Exactly. At least come up with some sort of excuse. I don't think I've ever been so rude as to cancel on someone by saying "sorry, can't come, I'm feeling lazy".

No you are not HM op I don't think this relationship will last. Sounds like his enthusiasm is fizzling out already. I would move on.

I'd also be concerned with the 'and now he's not messaging me'. Sounds like a forerunner to 'everytime you disagree with me I'm going to go in a strop and sulk like a man child for days whilst giving you the silent treatment as punishment'.

Thanks everyone, this has just confirmed I should bin him off. I don't accept at least he didn't ghost as an excuse to justify him being too lazy to meet and bother to let me know

@nutella202
Has he been in touch since?

@Freshprincess12 no he hasn't, which I do think sends a message that he's either sulking because I said no when he said can I let you know if I'm less tired later or he's not that interested but liked the idea of me being on standby

Does he expect you to wait around for him?
Men who want to see you will make sure they get to see you.
He's not bothered.

I understand absolutely where he might be coming from.

I cancelled a massage today because I was so tired. I normally love my massages and the cancellation was because i was so tired not because I in any way am too 'lazy' to go the the physio.

Same with chatty phone calls. If somebody calls for a chat (and you can tell who is calling so you know the likely situation) and I just don't feel like chatting, then I don't pick up the phone. This doesn't mean I don't value the person who is calling. It means I just am not in the mood for chatting.

@dogmandu but the implication of laziness was not something I came up with, he literally said I'm feeling lazy. Sorry but i think that's a poor excuse and he couldn't even be bothered to tell me he waited for me to message him?

I don't pick up the phone if I don't feel like talking either but I also don't make plans with someone and don't let them know, and then actually tell them I'm feeling too lazy to meet up with them today

I mean I quite like when people are just honest about why but at 6 weeks it doesn't show great interest if he cba to see you.

I think your boundaries were correct but you were a bit passive aggressive.

I'm not specifically targeting you nutella which is why I said 'might be coming from'. Only you know the ins and outs and all the small nuances which you pick up on in conversations and actions from your OH. You know better than anybody here what your intuition is telling you and you will probably be right.

I was just generalising that sometimes being too tired is a genuine reason to cancel something.

@dogmandu

I understand absolutely where he might be coming from.

I cancelled a massage today because I was so tired. I normally love my massages and the cancellation was because i was so tired not because I in any way am too 'lazy' to go the the physio.

Same with chatty phone calls. If somebody calls for a chat (and you can tell who is calling so you know the likely situation) and I just don't feel like chatting, then I don't pick up the phone. This doesn't mean I don't value the person who is calling. It means I just am not in the mood for chatting.

This is NOT the same. He could have easily written a nicer text to organise a different time. Why do people justify shitty dating etiquette from men??

@Othering

Please don't read any book with a title like this. I can pretty much guarantee that it's a heaping pile of shite.

Please don’t tell other people not to read books you haven’t read yourself first. It’s a great book. In the book (when you read it 😆) you’ll see that B.I.T.C.H actually stands for Babe In Total Control of Herself, and is her description of a woman with high self esteem, discipline, standards and a backbone. It’s a very, very good book, and most women would benefit from reading it.

I think it’s telling (and depressing) that he backed out of the first date you arranged for after you’d slept together. We shouldn’t let that go unnoticed. He’s just a FuckBoy.

@MacbookHo that's a good point actually, I didn't think of it like that but its true, very telling. Still haven't heard off him so probably won't now anyway!

You're now supposed to be madly messaging him, begging him to deign to see you for round 2 of shagging

@TwentyViginti definitely not happening, there's plenty of other fuck boys out there

[quote MacbookHo]@Othering

Please don't read any book with a title like this. I can pretty much guarantee that it's a heaping pile of shite.

Please don’t tell other people not to read books you haven’t read yourself first. It’s a great book. In the book (when you read it 😆) you’ll see that B.I.T.C.H actually stands for Babe In Total Control of Herself, and is her description of a woman with high self esteem, discipline, standards and a backbone. It’s a very, very good book, and most women would benefit from reading it.[/quote]
I don't need to read it and I'm proven right by the fact that the B stands for Babe.

Pubs are shut (well were last weekend)
Match of the Day is repeated Sunday morning
Other Saturday night tv is not aimed at thirty somethings (Michael McIntyre is not aimed at them for example)

So why on earth is he tired on a Sunday morning? He's 31 ffs.

You'd be justified in ending the relationship.

I don't live in the U.K. but things are shut early here. It wasn't Sunday morning either it was the afternoon, I waited for him to get in touch but he didn't so I text him.

Just in case he acts straight out of the fuckboy handbook, what should I say if he messages asking to meet up again?

I think it's a good idea to get out of your head that you might be 'high maintenance' or any of the other things anyone might call you that might make you question your boundaries.

You are you. There are no rules on what level of maintenance or sensitivity you should be at. The right person will not say or make you feel that that you are 'too much' something or 'not enough' something. Your job, if you want to be in a relationship, is to find someone who doesn't push your boundaries in this way, and to say no to all others.

The only exception to this is if you do something, and you judge that you've been needier/more sensitive/higher maintenance than you want to be.

Pretty much all of your posts on this thread contain serious criticisms of his behaviour, and yet the title is about you questioning yourself. Why is that?